When is enough really enough?
At this point in my life, I really do have everything that I could possibly ever want. Perhaps I even have more than I could ever possibly need as well. This is not a bad thing, I just know that I no longer need to be on the look-out for the next best thing or trying to find stuff to make my life feel fuller, I already have all of the best things right now. My life is full, very full. I have a fantastic life, with many of the best things in abundance.
This information may not seem very important, but it is actually extremely important, especially to me. You see, for all of my life, I have been trying to run away. I know that that sounds crazy, by I have always had this overwhelming urge to just run. Run away, escape, pack a bag and catch the nearest bus to who knows where? This longing to run away has been with me for as long as I can recall, even when I was a really small child. I clearly remember packing a green garbage bag with a jacket and my toothbrush when I was only five years old, and telling my mother that I was leaving home. She laughed and asked where I was going to go and I said to the bus stop, which she didn't laugh at but demanded that I unpack the bag and stop being such an idiot. I have felt like I have wanted to run away from my life ever since.
I have never had a real destination that I was trying to run to, but I have always had the undeniable desire to flee. Why? I cannot really be sure why, maybe it is just in my personality, because in spite of everything great that I have in my life now, I still feel like fleeing on occasion. This need to flee has constantly gotten quieter and quieter as the years have gone on, but until now it has never ever been completely quieted.
Now, finally, it has been quieted within me. It has taken me almost 43 years to quiet the voice inside of me that so often tells me to run away, from everything and everyone. I honestly don't even want to run away anymore, because I have everything I could possibly ever need right here. I don't need to be anything else, or do anything else, or have anything else, I have what I need. I have actually had everything that I have needed for a really long time, but I just haven't been able to stop the feeling that I didn't.
Isn't that so weird? Isn't it so odd to be running the same script in your life for so long that you just don't know how to turn it off, even when it serves you no purpose anymore? That is what I have been doing, looping back around to that old feeling that I am disatisfied, but in truth, I am not at all disatisfied, I am very satisfied. I'm just so used to going through the same old motions that tell me to flee; even when I don't really want to flee at all.
As you can imagine, this need to flee has been a constant problem for me in relationships. Poor Craig has pondered so many times about what he could offer me to sate my demons, and has often demanded 'what more can I give you?' Like some offering would still the desire in me to flee, but it was never really about material things, and in truth, I think that Craig has always known this anyway. So what would stop it? In truth I had no idea myself, I didn't even know why it had all began.
When you get everything that you want, then what do you want?
That is what I have been asking my inner self a lot over the last few months, and I have come to understand that I don't actually 'want' anything anymore. I have an abundance of all things, I don't need more stuff to fill the void, because I don't actually have a void anymore, it is imagined. I am full, I am filled up to the brim, right to the top, my cup runneth over. I no longer hunger, I have found contentment. I don't want anything, and I don't want to run away.
Finally a bird has nested inside of me, and I have come home to myself. It is nice to finally feel like I have found a place inside of me to lay my hat, and that all I need to do now is enjoy what I have.
The search is finally over. I don't know why it is finally over now, but I definitely know that it is. Finally I am at peace.
Release Date: 2010
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 106 mins
This biographical film documents the events surrounding the 1970's all girl teen rock band The Runaways. Closely following the relationship between Cherie Curry and Joan Jett, we watch as the girls rise to fame and then succumb to the pitfalls of the Rock and Roll industry.
Kristen Stewart is at her absolute best, portraying a talented and tough Joan Jett perfectly. Dakota Fanning also gives a convincing and tragic portrayal of the confused teen Cherie Curry, and the two are pure gold together on screen.
This movie made me pull out my old Joan Jett CD and play it really loud! It's a great rock story with a hard rocking soundtrack and a lot of heart.
FINAL SAY: Crimson and Clover.
3 Chili Peppers