Craig and I found ourselves experiencing what it will be like to be empty-nesters this weekend. Zoe collected Seth after school on Friday and whisked him off to Geelong for the weekend, leaving Craig and alone for the better part of three days. This was odd for us, as we cannot recall the last time that we had this much time to ourselves in an empty house. 
It is always a huge novelty for the first day or so, because you get to know what it's like to operate on your own time and terms again, which is really weird but also extremely exciting. Life without kids, when it is all that you have ever known, is really very odd. Suddenly a plethora of possibilities open up to you, you can come and go as you please, eat when and if you chose to, watch R rated movies in the middle of the day and have sex at the drop of a hat in any place in the house that takes your fancy. It is definitely a far more spontaneous way of being and a lot less regimented than life is with kids around. 
But I would be seriously lying if I didn't also acknowledge the fact that there was clearly a gaping hole in our existences. Don't get me wrong, I loved having the time to myself, but I don't think that I am ready to do that on a full time basis just yet. I know that when they arrive home this afternoon that I am going to be very excited to see my little darlings again, but for a short while, the opportunity to play the role of the childless couple for a weekend was extremely good fun. 
It wasn't just all sex, drugs and rock n' roll either, we did get some big jobs done around the place that needed our attention, which was about 200% easier without the whine of mum or dad in the background. It is not until you can do things unhindered that you really understand just how much of your time is consumed by your children. Oh well, kids are a labour of love, and the benefits outweigh the struggles that's for sure.
So, in the next few hours it will be back to reality for us when they arrive home for dinner, so I should probably take this time to squeeze in a quickie before they return! 

We have been working on a unit at school that is all about 'the brain.' This is a fascinating topic and has consequentially lead me to do a bit of checking into my own brain functions as well. I recently came upon a site called braintest.sommer-sommer.com which has a 30 second test that you can do online to determine which side of your brain is most dominant. Turns out that I am exactly 50/50. I'm not exactly sure if that is a good thing or not, but I suppose that it can't be all bad to have things pumping in equal measure on both sides, well that's what I am telling myself anyway.
Being a piscean, whose symbol is two fish swimming in different directions, having a 50/50 brain and also being an INFJ Myers Briggs Personality Type may explain why I am constantly having inner battles with myself - I am literally a walking contradiction. On the upside, I suppose that I do have the advantage of being able to see both sides of the coin in most cases which could mean that I am diplomatic, but it could also mean that I am indecisive depending on how you look at it.
People on the internet that have a 50/50 brain composition proudly claim that it means they are perfectly balanced. I just think that's a load of shit that some 50/50 people would say in order to cover up the fact that they are all probably a bunch of fence sitters, which I know that I have to work hard on not doing. Things are very rarely ever black and white for me, things are generally a billion shades of varying grey. Fair to say that 50/50 is anything but perfectly balanced, because seeing things from all angles isn't always the best way to be, especially when it comes to making choices, big decisions and getting to the bottom of problems. 
​Still, it can't hurt to be able to be creative and organised all at once. I like the fact that I enjoy logic and reasoning just as much as expression and intuition. Do I always see it as an advantage? Absolutely not, but I am who I am, and I decided years ago that I was going to embrace myself as I am no matter what, so if I truly am a 50/50, then so be it, there's nothing wrong with that. 

Lately I have been getting caught up in other people's dramas. Not because I want to be, trust me, I really don't want to be, but for one reason or another I have been getting tangled up in a lot of other people's shit, that really appears to have very little to do with me, and everything to do with them. 
By tangled I basically mean being accused of being or behaving in certain unsavory ways. And by unsavory I mean - being a total cow. The really odd thing about this is that I don't even recall behaving in any way that would offend or upset someone, but perhaps my body language and my general demeanor is speaking volumes for me - now that I can believe. Anyway, the whole thing has just left me over analysing my behaviours and pondering whether it's me or if everyone just needs to take a 'chill the fuck out' pill - hard to say for sure, but I can honestly say that I haven't been trying to piss anyone off on purpose, and yet it is undeniable that I, in some way unknownst to me, have. 
Things like this happen, they just do from time to time, because let's be honest, no matter who you are, you're going to ruffle feathers and some people are just not going to like you. I get that and it doesn't bother me in the least. I don't need to be holding hands and singing kumbaya with everyone all of the time, totally cool. But when people accuse me of doing, saying or behaving in certain ways that I really cannot recall, I tend to get a bit pissed off and then I really do get annoyed because I can't deal with the bullshit dramas of others. 
Call me intolerant, but at the end of the day I think that Sweet Brown said it best - Ain't Nobody Got Time for That! And I really don't. Not only am I completely not interested in being dragged into your petty bullshit fantasies about what you believe I am thinking and doing, I honestly don't care either. There are people out in the world with real problems, big ones - your problems are not that large - get some perspective!
​All that I can really say for sure is that some people need to hang their issues and insecurities on someone else's hat rack, because mine is full up!  

We all long to belong.
It's in our nature as humans to live in cohabitation, we just aren't designed to walk our paths alone. Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted for being who they are, and we all have the desire to feel welcomed and part of something bigger than ourselves. Basically, we all want to belong to a tribe, some circle of community that embraces us in a most complete and satisfying way. 
For many people, their tribe is their family, their closest relatives that know them better than anyone else and accept them warts and all. Not all of us have this privilege, some of us have definitely never felt like we belonged with our own kin and kind, and this leads to a feeling of being set adrift - a lone wanderer without a tribe, and for anyone out there who has experienced this feeling before, you will understand just how difficult it can be at times.
My sister recently returned safely from Afghanistan (thank goodness) and we got into a lengthy discussion about the struggles that we both had trying to find a new tribe when we felt so disconnected from our own kin. We both agreed that we would not have grown nearly as much if we had not found other tribes to run with, but we also agreed that finding a tribe that genuinely fits is tremendously difficult.
Finding a tribe that will accept you warts and all is even harder again, so the odds were really stacked against us. My sister found her tribe in the army, they embraced her and helped her to grow and against all adversity she has become a well rounded person, she found her tribe and she then found herself. 
I think that I gave up on ever finding a tribe for a long time, sure I dipped my foot into the friendship pool many times, but many of those people came and went over the years, they were band-aids, they were never my tribe.
​I think that I made my own tribe in the end. I met my mate, we made some people to love and care for and they became our tribe and along the way we picked up various good people and like minded family members to join our circle, coming and going from the tribe as they wish, but always in our thoughts. 
Having a tribe is work, you have to keep your tribe tight and close in order for it to flourish. You have to reach out to those in your tribe and tell them how much they mean to you, you have to be there for them and you have to be willing to go on a limb for them - anytime and often on a whim. The effort is always outweighed by that overwhelmingly grand feeling of belonging, of having a tribe that you really belong to. I tell you, having come from a tribe-less place, I wouldn't be without mine now for all of the tea in China. You have never really lived until you have royally fucked up and had your tribe tell you that they not only forgive you, but love you just the same. There is really no better feeling in the world. 

I have never gotten a Valentine's Day card in my life. Not that I feel particularly ripped off by that, I have never given one either, so I guess it stands to reason that I haven't had one. I've never had a real attraction to the concept behind Valentine's Day in general, and it's certainly not because I'm against romance, quite the opposite in truth, I just don't feel compelled to do anything special on that day. I suppose that being married does change things, Valentine's Day has always struck me as a single person concept, a day to proclaim your secret love or something of the sort, so it hasn't ever generated much interest for me. 
In primary school I do recall a boy named Jason who thought that he was head over heels in love with me in Grade Four, well, as head over heels as you can be at that age. He stole his mother's engagement ring and rode his bike across town to our house on Valentine's Day to ask my mum and dad if he could marry me, holding out the ring and pledging his undying love. I remember thinking that it was the best thing that had ever happened to me, mostly because I really had very little knowledge about Jason's undying love before this moment and because I had always thought that he resembled Mickey Mouse and therefore at ten years of age, he was adorable.
Anyway, mum quickly sent him home to return his mother's ring, and I went to school the next day expecting him to proclaim his love again to me in the school yard where I would of course, agree to marry him, and that would be that. Unfortunately, Jason didn't ever come near me again, making me extremely suspicious about what my mother had actually said to him, or if he had in fact just ridden around town all night with that ring trying to get any girl in town to marry him. I will never know, but I still remember the event with fondness because at the time it seemed hopelessly romantic to me and inconceivable that some boy would adore me so much that he would steal his mothers ring in an attempt to get me.
I still wonder what became of Jason, I wonder if he ever found his one true love, his perfect Valentine? He was, after all, the closest that I ever came to having real Valentine's Day experience, and for that reason I know that I will never forget him....I wonder if he still looks like Mickey Mouse?

Seth has just applied for a Grade 6 leadership role in IT this week. This meant that he had to write a speech about why he should be chosen to lead, and then deliver it to all the kids in the Grade 4/5/6 unit, the principal and vice principal and the teachers. When you are not used to public speaking, the very idea of delivering a speech can be pretty overwhelming, and it has been something that has been playing on his mind for days now. 
Today he delivered his speech, which he said he felt good about afterwards. He did mention his  pre-delivery jitters that he suffered from though, which mainly consisted of shaking, sweaty hands, a slight nausea and a very mild case of panic as he approached the podium. But in his words - I was nervous at first, but once I got going, I loved it, it just all flowed out of me. This is generally the case with public speaking I think, once you get over your initial fear of getting up there, it is usually fine from that point on. Anyway I was very proud of him for putting himself out there, it's not an easy thing to do, but he did it, he is really growing up. 
I tried to help him out with some pointers before the big day. I was actually a pretty fine public speaker in my time, never won a sports trophy in my life, but I did win a public speaking one when I was in year eleven. How fricken dorky is that? Everyone else was busy trying to get loaded or laid and I was hanging around a bunch of oldies learning to public speak!
I did a Rotary Club public speaking course, which was free and ran from our school in the evenings, the whole thing culminated in an all out challenge against the other participants, and I won! I remember that being a huge booster to my self esteem at that time in my life and was the main reason that I went for the role of School Captain in Year 12 - which I also got - ooooh....so important! I do recall thinking that I was the shit for a while there, which rapidly wore off when I realised how much extra work the role required of me. Probably would've gotten a better ATAR score if I wasn't so busy doing all that other leadership crapola, but I have to say, that public speaking course has served me well on a number of occasions. 
Speaking confidently in front of people is truly a skill. Any idiot can hold a microphone and warble on for hours, but it takes true talent to engage an audience and make them want to hear what you have to say. Some of the best examples of excellent public speaking skills are demonstrated on TED talks, I am always impressed by those people's ability to both entertain and inform, and even if you're not interested in the topic they're talking about, those talks are fabulous for gaining tips about effective public speaking techniques - body language people - it matters. 
So next time you have to take to the podium for a speech, just remember Barb's top five tips for success:
1. Talk slowly and clearly and avoid deep-throating the microphone - keep that shit away from your face!
2. Wear something that isn't going to distract your audience, in other words cover your tits, pits and private bits. 
3. Breathe and pause - a lot. Let people take in what you're saying. 
4. Work the room with your eyes, look at as many different people as you can, make a connection.
5. Most importantly - rehearse that shit! Don't ever wing an important speech or talk - preparation is key - know your shit and they'll be eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.

The time had arrived again to gather and make a multitude of gyoza with a bunch of family and friends to celebrate the Chinese New Year. This time our festivities extended to 12 people, so we are getting a bigger gathering every year, which is fantastic, and everyone always pitches in a hand with the menu and the labour, so it really does feel like a communal effort. 
We had chicken, vegetarian, pork, lamb and beef gyoza varieties, which we boiled, steamed, fried and even smoked (accidentally when my bamboo steamer caught on fire) which offered a good variation in texture and taste. Bottom line - delicious! And extremely filling, by the time we mowed through three varieties of Chinese desserts (coconut jelly with mango, coconut sago pudding and pineapple, coconut sorbet), everyone was mellow and full and ready to crack out the fortune cookies. Another successful evening of chopsticks, red lanterns, many laughs and good company. 
We had two 'monkeys' in our midst for the evening, Helen and Seth are both moving into 'their year' of the Chinese Zodiac this year. Interestingly, every female that was present had just started in a new role within their workplace, which is probably just a coincidence, but still, could be seen as somewhat auspicious. My fortune, like it is every year, was highly esoteric, alluding to the fact that I am supposed to act with mindfulness in everything I do. Not really an easy task to do, but probably quite poignant since I am trying to be more mindful and 'in the moment' this year, but seriously, mindfulness all the time? That is impossible! I think that 'more' mindfulness will be something that I will aim for, not constant mindfulness, that would just make me crazy.
As we move into the Year of the 'Red Fire' Monkey, it is a time to be smart, wily and vigilant, and it's also a good year to get your financial house in order - according to Chinese Astrology. I myself am a Wooden Tiger, and if I go by my 2016 predictions, this is not really going a favorable money year for me at all - to which I say - what else is new? Judging by the lousy amount of bills that I have piling up, my ship has already set sail for broke-town. But anyway who cares? Money comes and goes, it's health and love that I really care about, and I have that in buckets, so hoo-rah for me! 

Have you ever felt like you were born in the wrong era; the wrong time, the wrong place? I have often thought that I should have been born in the 1950's, a time of cool cars, fantastic fashion and a love of curvy women. A time when everyone smoked, sipped strong liquor from gorgeous glasses and things seemed to be whole lot simpler on the surface. Unfortunately, it truly is just the surface that I like about that time, because we all know that the 1950's was also rife with gender inequality, chauvinism, unwanted pregnancies, prejudices, political unrest and ridiculous ideas about parenting. 
You see no matter which period of time you fall in love with or feel some affinity to, there is always going to be some seriously shitty things that go with that era that will whip the gloss off it quicker than a bottle of turpentine.
If you are someone that romanticizes about living in last century then you have a whole other load of unsavory possibilities to contend with, aside of the magnificent dresses and ballroom events, there was a serious possibility of incurable disease, overwhelming poverty, corporal punishment or even Jack the Ripper! Head even further back in time and it gets even messier, you could be burned at the stake, disemboweled, beheaded, tortured or worse, and these were everyday occurrences. 
Putting it bluntly, there never was and there will never be a perfect or completely safe time period in which to be born, however by comparison we have come a mighty long way and conditions, as pitiful as they appear to be at times, are as good as they have ever been. 
Still though, who hasn't had dreams about wandering the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in their full glory, seeing the Acropolis when Athena still stood tall within it's walls, finding out what really went down at Stonehenge, walking down Hollywood Boulevard when Marilyn Monroe and James Dean were still alive, rocking out at Woodstock or slapping a peanut butter sandwich out of Elvis' hand?
The grass always appears to be greener on the other side, but I'd bet that anyone from those times would've killed to live in a more modern time like ours. A time when people in a first world country can enjoy a life expectancy of over 80 years, can freely express their sexual persuasions, can find the answers to most things at the touch of a button and can even go shopping without anything but a plastic card. But that's just the peachy side, I bet none of them ever had to consider Global Warming, declining forestry, epidemic obesity, slow wi-fi, reality TV, Facebook rants or terrorism either, so that just proves my point, there is no perfect time period in which to be born- there never has been, and there never ever will be. Still though....nice to imagine what a sneak peak would be like now and then, I just know that I would look great in some of those sweet 50's dresses!

Went across to Geelong to see Zoe and Lachlainn today, they have got themselves a really sweet little two bedroom unit in Belmont which they have set up and made really cosy for themselves. We are still adjusting to life without Zoe around here, it hasn't even been a week yet, but she appears to be very happy and well organised in her new arrangement, so now it is just up to us to learn to live without her, which isn't going to be easy since we all adore her so much.
There was much emotion surrounding Zoe's departure, with all three of us at home feeling a bit shell shocked by the event, even though we knew that it was going to happen, nothing really prepares for you the day that your kids leave home. I can't even leave her bedroom door open yet, her room is being treated like ground zero around here. She has still left a lot of her furniture, but it isn't the same space anymore and it feels really weird being in there. It is an intensely odd and melancholic feeling to be in her space, knowing that it is not really her space anymore, it's pretty hard to describe but it's definitely not great. 
Zoe and Lachlainn do have a set up spare bedroom and that does mean that I can stay over with them and also have an excuse to go to the beach and do some shopping around Geelong, so there is a slight up side to all of this. I will definitely be seeing a lot of them still, it is only an hour trip door to door so we aren't that far apart, but still...it's far enough, it's not home with me that's for sure! 
It has actually been a really hectic week for us all, with me returning to work on Wednesday, Craig and Seth shifting Zoe to Geelong on Thursday and Seth heading off to start his final year of primary school on Friday, there has been very little down time to be had in the melee of events, but it has all gone smoothly and we can't ask for anymore than that. Perhaps if I wasn't still staying up until the wee morning hours watching movies then I wouldn't feel so tired, but the movie fiend in me just cannot be sated. Last night did an intense 3 hours and 20 minute sitting to finally see something that I have been meaning to see for years now, and even though I have blood shot eyes today, it was definitely worth it. 

APOCALYPSE NOW - REDUX
Release Date: 1979
Rating: R 18+ 
Running Time: 210 mins 
Shrouded in controversy during it's filming, this ground-breaking masterpiece offering from Francis Ford Coppola provides some extremely provocative viewing. This "Redux" version literally means "returned" from exile- but what it really means is that it has been expanded and remastered from the original version, adding considerable length but also spectacular detail to the overall effect. 
Nominated for eight Academy Awards, and confusingly only winning two, but winning the Palme D'Or at the Cannes Film Festival, Apocalypse Now is rife with surreal imagery and symbolism that details the horror, violence, confusion and madness of the Vietnam War. 
US Army assassin Benjamin Willard (Martin Sheen) has been assigned the job of terminating a dangerous and deranged renegade named Colonel Kurtz (Marlon Brando) who has gone rogue and become a Warlord deep within the jungles of Cambodia. 
Apocalypse Now is a work of great vision, and is arguably considered to be one of the best Vietnam War movies to have ever been made. The acting here is undoubtedly superb and the budget must have been massive, because no stone has been left unturned when it comes to authenticity and atmosphere. This is one film that will continue to haunt and shock viewers for generations, and it is most certainly deserving of the incredible time that it takes to watch it and then properly absorb it. 
FINAL SAY: Terminate with extreme prejudice. 
4.5 Chili Peppers