Finally, a little later in the year than usual, the saffron milk cap mushrooms that grow wild and freely around our property were ripe and ready for the picking. Helen and I braved the drizzle and cold and managed to fill our baskets in a very short period of time, which means that the mushroom harvest is probably about halfway through. After cleaning and trimming our bounty, we made a delicious mushroom risotto for lunch and then used my dehydrator to make a few jars of dried mushroom to use when the collection season ends. 
Basically, I will be able to eat freshly picked mushrooms everyday for about another fortnight, and then they will gone again for another 12 months, so preserving and dehydrating is kind of a must while the going is so good because it is such a brief harvesting period.
The 'paddock to plate' experiences have been a bit thin on the ground out here this year. The exceptionally dry summer supplied a lot of tomatoes, but very little else; and the very dry autumn meant that blackberry season was pretty much non existent, probably the worst that I have known since we moved here almost a decade ago.
My veggie garden is in serious need of an overhaul, which the upcoming school holidays will certainly provide, but aside from a few spindly herbs and a bit of rhubarb, garlic and kale, there isn't a lot going on. The fruit trees have all been pruned for the cold season and the few apples that we enjoyed are long gone; now the best that I can hope for is the odd lemon here and there.
It always gets really grim around winter and I always forget just how much I take the abundance of spring for granted. It is times like this that you realise how difficult life would've been for our ancestors that were relying on the spoils of the land to survive, because as much as a long summer feels like a blessing, it really does diminish a lot of your choices and the abundance of food supplies. 
I must admit that I absolutely love having the opportunity to eat things that I have grown myself and I feel quite lucky to be able to indulge in so many delicious (and free) culinary experiences out here in Enfield. Understanding what to harvest at the right times of the year, what arrives on its own with each season and how to make the most of those moments has been one of the best things that I have learnt from living out of town and having a little land to work.
​Even during the darkest days of the winter season I can always still manage to rustle up a bunch of wildflowers, some herbs for my dishes and enjoy something that I have frozen, dehydrated or pickled from another season of plenty, which is actually pretty cool. I'm not even close to be being self sufficient, but I have learnt a lot about the seasons, harvesting and preserving over the last 10 years and I certainly have a lot more respect for the food that I eat, for the land and for the work that goes into every plate of food that is produced which definitely makes you a lot more conscious about what you are putting in your piehole on a daily basis that's for sure. 

The Universal Stupa of Great Compassion in Bendigo hosted its annual Festival of Peace and Light this weekend and we were fortunate enough to join the celebrations. Well, word has clearly gotten out about how terrific last years festival was because this time the event had grown substantially, both in participation numbers and the lineup of performers.
Last time we were among a mere 100 odd visitors that had our own seats to view a few international acts and some fireworks and this year the Stupa was swamped with thousands of people. There were over 40 various performances in the afternoon, at least a dozen vegetarian food vans (tofu to die for people), merchandise vendors and of course, the precious Jade Buddha which has returned to the Stupa and created a most auspicious and important reason for Buddhists to make the pilgrimage to Bendigo this weekend. 
Because the event has ballooned to epic proportions it was a lot more difficult to see everything and this time there was more than one stage operating with different attractions happening at one time, kind of like a Buddhist Big Day Out, which did mean that you didn't get to see every performance like we did last time. Also forget seating, there was nowhere to sit unless you wanted to perch on a rock (which I happily did) and if you are a short arse like me you often couldn't see the action that was going on even if you wanted to, but it was still so much fun and definitely worth the trip to Bendigo. 
Chinese lions, drumming, various international dancers, hoop twirlers, a puppet theatre, live music and instrumental performers, singers, acrobats, didgeridoo performances, Tibetan chanting and let's not forget the spectacular sound and light extravaganza that always makes me feel like I am five years old again as I ooh and ahh in amazement as the fireworks go zipping across the sky overhead. 
The food vans this year were super impressive as well, with a massive array of extremely tasty and also healthy vegan delights. I had a particularly good shawarma with beetroot  and hummus, but the curries, felafel, rotis and other Indian fried delights also looked delicious and I don't think that anyone was struggling to find something delicious to eat. Again, it was the line up that seemed to be the biggest obstacle, but as long as you kept your cool and stayed the course, you got fed. Like all festival events, you have to expect crowds and queues and you have to make your peace with it, after all it was the Festival of Peace and Light; you can't go around abusing people and being a dick at an event like that. 
I think that the Festival of Peace and Light showcases Victoria's broad Buddhist diversity and the communities genuine interest in other cultures and religious practises. I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be returning next year, and I really look forward to watching the festival grow and expand each year. Next time I will be more prepared for a more grand experience than I was this time and I cannot wait to see what the organisers are going to bring to fold in 2019, so exciting!  

Every year around the end of Autumn and the beginning of Winter I suffer from a bit of mild depression. Not a throw myself from the nearest building kind of depression, more of a self doubting, self loathing and melancholic period that always seems to appear at the same time of the year. The darker, wetter and colder days seem to also bring with them an air of despair and uncertainty that leaves me feeling out of tune with everything and everyone. I can feel my resilience and tolerance faltering and my usually optimistic demeanor becomes somewhat surley and pessimistic. During these moments I have to fight the urge to run and hide under a blanket somewhere, far away from the world and all of it's noisy responsibilities and complications. 
It's a strange and unnamable feeling that makes me want to retreat, and stranger still is the fact that I am never really sure of what I am actually retreating from. Generally I am a bit over-emotional, super sensitive, easily angered and melodramatic at these times of the year, it's kind of like PMS on steroids and its not a lot of fun for me or the people around me. And what really gets to me about it all, is why? Why do I have these periods in my life and why are they so cyclic? 
Perhaps it is because of the crappy weather, maybe it's because of the stockpile of bills that come at this time of the year that need to be paid, maybe it's because I am just a little run down from being unwell and overwhelmed by the demands of my everyday routine, and then maybe it is actually just a combination of all of those things. Whatever the reason, I do know one thing for sure, it always and I mean always occurs around this time of the year.
Last year around this time I had a particularly difficult time with depression and I felt it more completely than I had in previous years. I had a total dark night of the soul and was actually really concerned about some of the thoughts that I was entertaining. I went to a really dark place and it lasted for way too long. I also had a massive and incredibly painful falling out with my siblings at this time last year, and they have all since become estranged to me, and maybe the hurt of that feels particularly raw at this time of the year and adds to my melancholy. However, I would be lying if I said that it was any one particular thing that made me feel the early winter blues so intensely. 
However, it is not all doom and gloom! By recognising this pattern of self doubt and inner turmoil, I have become a lot better at managing it. Through meditation and yoga practises I have learnt to curb my personal negativity and anxiety because I can now recognize what is happening a lot earlier on. I also know with great certainty that these melancholic moments are transient and fleeting and that I do not have to engage with them when they occur. I no longer need to feed and clothe my personal demons everytime that I get anxious or worried, I can just recognise them and then let them go quietly back into the night. I also recognise that everyone has times in their lives that are rife with anxiety and uncertainty and that I am not alone in my struggles and that it is all a normal part of any growth cycle to fall over every now and then. 
I can now bravely acknowledge that I do get blues from time to time, but it doesn't define who I am and that I don't have to let it take hold of me. Like a quiet passenger on the bus of life I can simply notice these feelings as I pass them by, waving farewell to them before they even get a chance to take hold of me. And that is big part of what surviving your own depression and dark thoughts is like really. You know that these times and thoughts are going to come around every now and again, but like negative people that are hard to have around, you just have to choose to not engage them.
Sometimes that requires a lot of strength, a lot more than you think that you can muster up, but essentially you can. You really can, in spite of whatever your head may be telling you, and just as winter arrives every year, so too does summer and the most powerful thing to remember to help you to get yourself out of a funk like this is that nothing ever lasts forever. It's all transient and it's all fleeting, and you don't have to stay in the moment any longer then you choose to, you can let go at any time, at any moment, just let it pass you by. 

It is always around Earth Day that our attention is drawn to our impact on the environment and our carbon footprint. No-one wants to be responsible for fucking the planet up for future generations, but on some level many of us actually are. After taking a quiz about my carbon footprint on the Earth Day website this morning I was horrified to learn that if everyone lived the same way the I do than we would need 4 Earths to deal with the impact that I am making! Woah, heavy! And I always thought that I was trying harder than the average bear when it comes to being ecological! Clearly, I am not doing nearly enough and the whole thing made me feel absolutely dreadful and completely guilt ridden, but I think that we all probably need a really good kick up the arse when it comes to our personal levels of environmental awareness, because being environmentally sound clearly takes a lot more effort and attention than most of us actually giving it. 
It is very easy to forget about our impact on the environment, and most of the time we don't even consider it at all. We allow ourselves to believe that someone who is far more passionate about environmental issues than we are is already out there fighting the good fight for us. This rather ridiculous belief allows us to become extremely flippant and lazy when it comes to being personally responsible for the environment, and for the most part dreadfully irresponsible. 
It is only in the last few years that I have really started to become more aware of my global footprint. I have made a concerted effort to try and be more eco-friendly and globally conscious. For example, we have installed solar panels on our home, we grow our own produce, we do errands and shop whilst we are in town to save on fuel consumption, we don't use plastic bags, we compost all of our green waste and we are avid recyclers. However, although we have made some positive changes, we are still not doing enough and with 4 Earths hanging over our heads, we need to do a hell of a lot more! 
In fact, Australia has one of the worst global footprints per capita than most of the world. We may have incredible beaches and an awesome lifestyle, but that all feels pretty shithouse when you realise that we are actually fucking up the globe by being dreadful unecological and environmentally unaware. The average global footprint per person in Australia is actually 4.8 Earths, which is something that we really need to do something about, and I do believe that awareness is key when it comes to change. 
The good news is that there are simple ways that each of us can reduce our global impact immediately, and they don't need to be huge changes, just small consistent ones. Here are some simple ways that you can reduce your carbon footprint and start to make a difference:

• Ride, walk, take public transport or carpool whenever you can.
• Don't speed when you drive! Speeding and unneccessary acceleration increase your mileage by up to 33% which wastes fuel and money. 
• Drive an eco-friendly car.
• If you must fly, always fly economy, it works like carpooling by sharing the emissions.
• Insulate your home and windows and only buy appliances with high ENERGY STAR ratings. 
• Turn off lights and appliances that are not being used, and only use LED or compact fluorescent globes. 
• Keep your heating temperature set to 21 degrees celsius or below and grab a blanket if you're still cold. 
• Install solar panels on your house.
• Eat locally sourced organic produce or better still grow your own!
• Eat less meat and if possible eat none. 
• Install water saving devices on showers, toilets and appliances like washing machines and dishwashers. 
• Never use plastic bags and become an avid recycler. 
• Start composting.
• Use grey water on gardens and only planet climate appropriate vegetation on your property.

Small changes are a great way to start, and doing things a little a lot of the time is the best way to make significant changes for the better. We really do need to be more personally responsible about doing more for our environment. Look around you, it's a wonderful place this world of ours. So precious and beautiful and obviously completely fragile, and each of us is having our own impact on that, an impact that we all need to be personally responsible for. Make one small change right now and help to reduce your global impact today because none of us can afford to pretend that what we do doesn't make a difference. 

Time and tide wait for no man is a phrase that originated way back in 1225 and even predates modern English, however it is no less meaningful today than it was back then. For never has a truer word been uttered that we can all relate to so completely than those few simple words that highlight our own mortality and the relentless passing of time.
No-one is powerful enough to stop the marching of time, and in spite of all of the things in our lives that we do have the power to control, time has never and will never be one of those things. One day you wake up, look in the mirror and barely recognise yourself anymore. A moment from a decade ago seems like it occurred only a year ago, your parents have entered the realms of the elderly and your children are no longer children at all; and you ask yourself, where the hell did all of those years go? 
The days just seem to go faster and faster every year. I start another school year and suddenly Easter has come and gone without me even coming up for air and all of the things that I had planned to have done by this point in the year are not even close to being completed. Has someone tipped the world into overdrive? It feels like it wasn't that long ago that I was planning my fortieth birthday holiday, or sending my son off to primary school or teaching my daughter to read for goodness sake! If the next forty years of my life go anywhere near as fast as the last forty did then I am going to need to not sleep at all in order to fit everything in that I would like to do.
I suppose that no matter how long you get in this life, you just never feel like you have enough time. Every time that you take a holiday or embark on a new task, you feel like you have forever to indulge it, and then before you know it, that time has somehow gone, just gone without you even realising where it all went to. It is the weirdest thing really, because we all want the time to go slower, and yet we fill our lives to the very brim with activity, essentially making everything speed up exponentially, making it impossible for time to slow down anyway. And perhaps that is what keeps us alive after all, the longing to live and be vital and busy in some way, and if we just stopped doing things then we would lose our lust for life and not want it to go on forever at all. 
I spent some time with my folks these school holidays, and I just marvel at how motivated and resourceful they are. My father is in his 80's and my mother is in her late 70's and they have been retired for years now, but they still keep themselves busy volunteering at local charities, tinkering with antiques clocks and knick knacks and working in the garden. Their garden always looks terrific and they spend entire days in the kitchen together cooking up thrifty old school recipes, pickling, making jams and preserves and making breads and cakes from scratch. They seem really content and happy doing these things and their days are generally full and busy, and they too feel like time is passing them by way too swiftly. I suppose that they would be feeling the passage of time in a way that I cannot possibly fathom just yet, because they also know that they don't have another 40 years to get the things done that they may have wanted to do and I wonder how genuinely difficult the twilight years of your life must be for that very reason. 
However, my parents do not appear to be bothered about aging and they never complain about being old either. Everyday, they say, is a gift to them now and they just live one day at a time, enjoying what they have cultivated together over the years. My in-laws say pretty much the same thing as well, and they too are in the same vintage as my parents, and they seem very content with their lives as well and do not appear to be at all worried about not having enough time. 
So I suppose that it is wise to listen to your elders and take a leaf from their book on getting older, and essentially it really shouldn't matter. Just take it one day at time, do what you can and love what you do and don't worry about running out of time. Let the time pass you by gracefully and slowly but surely cultivate the life that you want so that when you get into your own twilight years, you too can just sit back and enjoy what you have created for yourself.

Sometimes in my life it can really feel like I travel two steps forward and then one step back again. I suppose that everyone feels like that from time to time. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of that in every aspect of my life and I have to try really hard to not let these small setbacks make me feel deflated. Things will happen, stuff won't always work out and some of the best laid plans will turn into total horse shit.
The biggest problem with this reality is that I am the sort of person that likes to feel that I am constantly moving forward in life, and it just kills me if I think that I am not. And even though I have an excellent understanding of the fact that no-one, no matter how much they may appear to have their shit together, is ever really continually moving forwards, it is just accepting that fact that is the hardest thing for me.
Standing still or moving backwards are not really terms that ignite excitement in me, generally they have the opposite effect. However, I have discovered that when I find myself in these predicaments, as one does from time to time, that there are things that can be done to make the process a lot less agonising and in fact, even quite enjoyable!
Firstly and above all else, the best thing to do when things go wrong is to take stock of the situation and make an assessment. An assessment that is not based on how far you still have to go, but more on how far you have already come. This is where keeping a daily journal really comes into its own, because when you flick back over a six, or even better twelve month period of your life, and you see just how much you've accomplished and grown, you won't feel deflated or setback for very long. It is so very easy to focus on the negative side of things in life when you face a minor setback, much easier than seeing the good things, but when you can actually see it on the page in front of you, it is very hard to deny your own personal growth. 
And that is the other thing, just because you are being forced to stand still with your progression on something for a while, that doesn't mean that you have ceased to grow altogether. In fact a lull in giant leaps forward are actually an extremely valuable opportunity to really observe the bigger picture, to make sure that you are still on the right track and to make any necessary adjustments before continuing on. When you look at it like that, a step backwards can almost seem like a much needed hiatus and a golden opportunity to uncover a brand new learning or way of doing things. 
​And if I still feel like crap about a setback after all of that, then I like to console and remind myself that I am only human, that is totally okay to make mistakes and get things wrong and that doing dumb shit every now and again is probably good for my soul anyway. Trying too hard to get it all right all of the time is just plain exhausting and I don't want to walk around with the weight of an elephant on my shoulders. I would rather just learn to find the sage in my setbacks, the reason behind my mistakes and the calm in the chaos, because two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward when you really think about it, and I am am happy to take it all just one step at a time anyway. 

In society today, both men and women face different pressures and expectations in regards to how they perform and conduct themselves. Sometimes we can rise to these societal expectations and sometimes we cannot, and although there is no written text outlining these expectations, they very much exist in our communities, our society and even in many of our homes. We all silently and obediently comply to these unspoken 'norms' everyday, but I wonder, should we?
Don't get me wrong here, I am not questioning our social expectations in the hope of creating a societal misconstruct or a revolution, because I do understand full well that we do need certain boundaries and expectations to operate as a well functioning and safe society. What I am saying however, is that some of the expectations, in particular those around gender roles, that are continually thrust upon us, are really not that reasonable or forward thinking, and yet we still willingly adhere and conform to them anyway.  
For women, I think that one of the biggest and most incorrect presumptions that society has is the belief that they are all nurturing and have the potential to be great mothers. Anyone with half a brain in their head knows that this is absolute malarkey; however, even though we know that this is not true, the pressures that society places upon women to conform to this unspoken norm are ridiculously high.
When society views what they believe to be a mother that isn't maternal, motherly or nurturing, they instantly shun her. She is usually viewed as weak, unfeminine and generally a pretty lousy person. No point denying it, it's true, I've heard vicious women picking their teeth with the bones of 'not very good' mothers in school car parks, after school sporting activities and mothers groups; and I would feel more comfortable with the vultures on the savannah to be honest. 
We can forgive women for many things, but as a society we are very unforgiving when it comes to motherhood, and in spite of all of our forward thinking, society still judges women that do not take to motherhood naturally very harshly. They are often branded with labels like 'bad' mother or called pathetic, dramatic and selfish. Women are probably the number one perpetrators of hate against un-maternal and un-nurturing women, and there is a frightening amount of pressure to conform when you become a mother. So much so, that a lot of women just crack under the pressure , and understandably so, it's bloody hard work! Not just being a decent enough mother to not get labelled 'bad' but also actually wrangling children, which at times is a dreadfully un-enjoyable business (just don't tell the other mothers that I said that). 
However, it is not just women that have unrealistic expectations thrust upon them, men get more than their fair share as well. For men, I think that society fails most when it comes to the expectation that men are to be strong, brave and ambitious. Again, what a load of horse shit! Many men that I know are none of those things, and they are really lovely terrific guys, but they do feel pressured by society to conform to expectations all of the time. 
From the time that boys are born, they are told to 'suck it up' and harden up. They are bombarded with media images of strong, smart, successful, brave and adventurous male icons that they are supposed to live up to and if they show too much emotion they are seen as weak and pathetic and sometimes called a sissy or god forbid, a girl. Young men feel like they need to constantly jostle for rank in order to be respected and fear being emasculated by their peers from as young as pre-school, and then we wonder why they become shut down men that are not in touch of their emotions later in life. Again, society says that it is forward thinking, but in some cases we are positively archaic in when it comes to gender stereotyping and expectation. 
Sure we are making progress, but we really aren't there yet, and it is going to require the support of everyone in our communities to change these harmful and unreasonable expectations that we place upon ourselves and those around us, because these old ways are not serving us any longer. The next time that you almost call some woman a 'bad' mother or some guy a 'pussy' think again about whether you are helping or hindering a solution to the problems that we are all facing when it comes to gender expectations and social support. Choose to not label, choose to investigate the whys. Be a pro-active member of your community and start questioning the expectations that you place upon others, and whether you need to do that anymore. 

I recently read an article called 100 Life Changing Habits on Strangecharmed.com which was all about eradicating bad lifestyle habits and creating new healthier ones. Basically it was an extensive to do list that was broken down into these 10 categories: 
Health, relationships, personal development, spirituality, productivity, career, hobbies, organization, community and charity and money and finance.  There were lots of useful tips and generally good advice about getting the most out of your life and finding ways to live an abundant, happy and mindful lifestyle.  I was pretty chuffed when I read through the list to be honest, because I actually had quite a lot of the suggestions well and truly under control. So yeah, I got to feel good about the fact that after almost 44 years on the planet that I have actually got some of my shit pretty much together; not perfectly together, but pretty much together. 
There were a number of things that I most definitely do not have under control though, two in particular that caught my eye were these little chestnuts that were listed directly next to each other under the heading - personal development:
Say YES to experiences that scare you.
Say NO to experiences that do not serve you.
Hmmm....easier said than done there sensai! I do constantly say yes to horror movies, does that count for things that scare me? Probably not because most of it doesn't really scare me at all! Seriously though, I do know exactly what they really mean when they say 'things that scare you,' they mean getting out of your comfort zone and doing things that make you feel uncomfortable and I absolutely DO NOT have that down, but I have improved, a little. Especially this year because I have been well and truly outside of my comfort zone for the better part of the year and quite a bit of last year as well. However, I would be bullshitting if I said 'I got this' - 'cos I really don't got this! 
Also, I am only just learning to say no to things that do not serve me, because I definitely still allow my sense of obligation to dictate some of the things that I do. I am getting better at setting boundaries for myself, but again...I do not have this yet. Saying no is actually really difficult to do, well it is for me anyway. I often put my own needs and wellbeing on the backburner to accommodate for others, and it is a really stupid thing to do. Sometimes, I will just go and go until I literally run myself ragged or explode like some insane person over the littlest thing. I would really like to learn to say no to people without feeling guilty about it and without worrying about offending them. I hate that we are all so programmed to please that we are often afraid to set very reasonable and sensible boundaries for ourselves and others in our lives.  It is definitely something that I am going to try and make more of an effort to master, the freedom to put myself first and to sometimes say no. 
I really do doubt that anyone would be able to read all 100 points on the 100 Life Changing Habits list and go, yep I got all that down, but if there is someone out there that can, well....all power to you! It takes a lot of guts and determination to be that in control of your life and wellbeing, and it is definitely something that I truly aspire to achieve for myself someday.
For now however I am just satisfied with having the guts to identify my strengths and weaknesses and the balls to own them as well, not as massive as the achievements of others, but not a complete trainwreck either which I am all good with. You gotta love the life you're living!

Self talk is a buzz term for the subconscious voice or inner dialogue that quietly runs in the background of our thinking minds all of the time. This inner voice keeps itself busy by making comment on how we see ourselves or suggesting how we should be doing things for ourselves. We all have a 'self-talk' voice, whether we want to acknowledge that we have one or not is totally irrelevant, trust me when I say that we all do have one. We just aren't really thinking about it, or what that voice is saying to us most of the time.
We are generally quite content to just let our inner dialogue run on auto-pilot, which can be fine if your self talk is usually positive, however, for many of us, that autopilot 'self talk' voice is not very kind or forgiving at all. Letting a negative self talk voice run on autopilot is probably not a very wise thing to do at all because it can have a huge effect on how you feel about yourself and what you choose to do with your life.
The way that we speak to ourselves matters, a lot actually. I have been investigating self talk lately and there has been a lot of studies done on the subject in recent years. As you probably already know, a negative self talking voice can drag people down so much that they can become seriously anxious and depressed, but did you know that persistently unchecked negative self talk has been linked to personality, esteem and body image disorders and can even lead to self harming and suicide? Yep, your subconscious self talk could be seriously sabotaging your chances of being happy and fulfilled. 
​Since considering all of this, I have been seriously paying attention to the quality of self talk that has been playing on autopilot in my subconscious, and I can confidently say that I have been quite unkind to myself for a very long time. There are some things playing on autopilot up there that are actually deeply damaging, even downright nasty! I would never put up with the crappy things that my inner voice says to me from anyone else, and yet I totally tolerate it from my own self, what the hell is that about?  And how long have I been being so unkind to myself? Where did these thoughts come from and why have I allowed this to go on for so long?
My self talk says horrible things about my physical, mental and emotional self that are so harsh, cruel and unloving that I cannot even write them down because they are just so horrid. As a consequence of that, I have learnt to not like certain things about myself, I have actually learned to hate some things about myself, and I have been doing it for almost 44 years!
So, clearly that all needs to change because I have no reason not to like myself, warts and all. I refuse to have some worn out, negative, self talking bullshit running on autopilot in the background of my subconscious any longer! It is time to feel more confident and to move on from old mindset habits and thoughts, they are no longer serving me and these negative thoughts that I have cultivated are only hindering my progress. 
Now whenever I catch myself having a negative self talking session, I ask myself these simple questions in an effort to combat my inner demons:

• Is there any evidence to support my thinking?
• What would I say to a friend if I heard them saying something like that about themselves?
• Is there a positive way to look at this?
• Am I keeping things in perspective? Is this rational?
• Is there anything that I can do to change what I am feeling bad about?

That usually seems to do the job, but I would be lying if I didn't say that is hard to break old habits and negative self thoughts, it takes constant and conscious effort to quell those asshole inner voices that try to convince us that we are not enough. I am not nearly out of the woods in regards to conquering my self talk yet, but I've made a start and I think that that is a mighty fine step in the right direction. I am not expecting to ever fully fall in love with who I am, but if I can stop saying terrible things to myself, that  sure would be a terrific place to begin. 

Okay, turns out that I am working with a bunch of super duper nice people that have made me feel very welcome in my new workplace, so I really had nothing to worry about on that front. And even though I am craving a space to hide myself away in because I am still a major social spazz, I have actually really enjoyed my first few days of early introductions and workplace orientation. I cannot believe how genuinely lovely everyone has been to me, I still feel a bit like I have stepped into The Twilight Zone to be honest because everyone is so extraordinarily kind and pleasant. 
There are just so many shiny, happy people milling around the place and it is positively infectious to be around. On top of that, they also appear to really love the work that they are doing as well. All of them seem to undertake tasks with a sense of real vigor, enthusiasm and gusto; which is a bit of a stark contrast to my old workplace where a lot of people did not appear to be enjoying themselves very much at all most of the time.
Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining, quite the opposite in fact,  these people are totally inspiring to work with. I am really loving the positive change, but I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge how different it is to be around contented co-workers. When you are not used to it, it is quite weird and also deeply fascinating.
My suspicious mind cannot help but wonder -Can everyone really be that happy? Well, from what I have seen, yes; apparently they can! Staff in a school can totally be content, organised, committed, happy and accountable! Who knew? I don't really know what I was expecting to be honest, but it feels so great to be going to a place where people genuinely seem to care about everyone else in the school as much as they care about themselves. No wonder the children are all so chilled out, it's a pretty blissful place to be. 
Of course, it is still a workplace and not a day spa, and in spite of the 'namaste' feelings that I am vibing on, I know that there will most certainly be challenging days ahead, especially now that the children have arrived back. However, in spite of the awareness that there will be days ahead when things feel anything but blissful; I'll take what I can get for now. I cannot help but feel good about the positive change that a new workplace has brought to my life, and if my new co-workers are anything to go by, I feel like the challenges will indeed come, but just as easily go as well. It's certainly a terrific start to the work year that's for sure. 

ON YOGA: THE ARCHITECTURE OF PEACE
Release Date: 2017
Rating: M
Running Time: 97 mins
A documentary from director Heitor Dhalia that follows the experiences of American photographer Michael O'Neill as he photographs and interviews the great Yoga Masters of India, Tibet and New York. 
This is one of the most beautifully realised and spiritually inspiring movies that I have ever seen. If you aren't already doing yoga, this movie will make you want to go and join the nearest ashram immediately! The magical soundtrack, the sage advise, the inspiring yogi masters turning themselves into pretzels, what's not to like?
To be fair, I am a fan of both yoga and photography so I am probably deeply biased in my love for this movie, but I don't care, I was into it completely. This movie was somewhat of an experience for me, and although it's not going to spin everyone's tyres, I really think that the terrific interviews with the older yoga practitioners are definitely worthy of everyone's attention.
FINAL SAY: Namaste.
4 Chilli Peppers 

It's that time again, the time for me to unleash my viewing loves and loathes for the year of 2017. In total, I watched 279 movies and 62 TV series in 2017, so yeah, it is fair to say that I have a robust addiction to entertainment and that I have a fairly good idea of what is out there.
My biggest undertaking for the year was a rewatch of the entire Lost Series, 121 episodes in total, and although it took me the better part of the entire year to get through, it was worth the effort. Next to the Twin Peaks Reboot, Lost was the next biggest mind fuck of the year for me.
I must say that the bar raises every single year for me because movies and TV are constantly improving in quality and there is a never ending stream of excellent viewing to be had. That makes it a lot harder for me to discern the best,  but also a lot more enjoyable in the long run.
However, without further ado, here are my picks for the best and worst of 2017, my full reviews of these movies can be found on their corresponding genre lists. 
BEST MOVIES OF 2017:

• IT  - Horror  4.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Ghost Story - Art House 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Mother! - Challenging 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Blade Runner 2049 - Science Fiction 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Baby Driver - Action 4 Chilli Peppers
• Dunkirk - War 4 Chilli Peppers
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 - Fantasy 4 Chilli Peppers
• Logan - Super 4 Chilli Peppers
• Get Out - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Dark Song - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• T2 - Trainspotting - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• Logan Lucky - Action/Comedy 3.5 Chilli Peppers

BEST CATCH UP MOVIES OF 2017: (Movies released before 2017 that I finally saw in 2017)

• La Grande Bellezza (The Great Beauty) - Foreign 5 Chilli Peppers (Hall of Fame)
• Manchester by the Sea - Drama 5 Chilli Peppers (Hall of Fame)
• Moonlight - Drama 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Arrival - Science Fiction 4.5  Chilli Peppers
• Nocturnal Animals  -Drama 4.5  Chilli Peppers
• Hidden Figures - Drama 4  Chilli Peppers
• Moana - Kid Friendly 4  Chilli Peppers
• The Edge of Seventeen -Comedy 4 Chilli Peppers
• The Conjuring 2 - Horror 4 Chilli Peppers
• Captain Fantastic - Drama 4 Chilli Peppers
• Samson and Delilah - Gritty 4 Chilli Peppers
• The House of the Devil - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Mermaid - Foreign/ Fantasy 3.5 Chilli Peppers

WORST MOVIES OF 2017:

• Kong: Skull Island - Fantasy 2 Chilli Peppers
• The Great Wall - Action/ Fantasy 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Ghost in the Shell - Science Fiction 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Cure for Wellness - Horror 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Loving - Drama 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Valerian and the City of a 1,000 Planets - Science Fiction 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Baywatch - Comedy 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Yoga Hosers  -Comedy 1 Chilli Pepper
• The Bye Bye Man  - Horror 0 Chilli Peppers
• The Greasy Strangler - Art House 0 Chilli Peppers

BEST TV SERIES 2017:

• Big Little Lies - Drama 5 Chilli Peppers
• The Handmaid's Tale - Drama/ Fantasy 5 Chilli Peppers
• American Gods - Horror/ Fantasy 5 Chilli Peppers
• Atlanta - Drama 4.5 Chilli Peppers 
• Godless - Western 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Game of Thrones S7  - Fantasy 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Stranger Things S2 - Science Fiction 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Twin Peaks Reboot - Art House 4 Chilli Peppers 
• Mozart in the Jungle - Drama 4 Chili Peppers 
• Alias Grace - Historical Drama 4 Chilli Peppers 
• AHS - Cult - Horror 4 Chilli Peppers
• Peaky Blinders S4 - Historical Drama 4 Chilli Peppers
• Better Things - Comedy 4 Chilli Peppers
• A-Typical - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• Girls - Final Season - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Sinner - Mystery/Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers

As far as bad TV series go, well I was so busy watching really high quality TV that I managed to miss all of the shit this year, so I'm not even putting in a category for that. To be honest, I think that this year may have been one of the best of years for quality TV that I have ever known, which fills me with a lot of hope for 2018. 
Hopefully you will find something on my lists that you haven't seen yet and will now go and see on my recommendation. Also, you now know what to avoid like the plague if you should have the misfortune of coming across it.
I hope that the holiday period is being kind to you all, happy viewing!

IT
Release Date: 2017
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 135 mins 
A supernatural horror directed by Andy Muschietti and based on the highly successful 1986 novel of the same name by Stephen King. Clearly audiences are thirsting for excellent retro horror tales because IT swiftly became the highest grossing horror film of all time and the third highest grossing R rated movie of all time. 
It's 1988 in a small American town called Derry and something insidious is lurking in the sewers; an ancient evil that feeds on the fears of children and presents itself as a clown called Pennywise. Seemingly invisible to adults, Pennywise starts to abduct the children of Derry, and turns its sights on a tight group of friends called The Losers Club. 
With all of the terrific friendship dynamics  and comradery of The Goonies, Stranger Things and Stand By Me  and all of the creepiness of a James Wan horror, IT has a formula that works on so many levels. Not only is there a creepy as all shit clown torturing the children, but all of the adults in Derry seem to be rather unpleasant as well which adds another layer of turmoil to this already emotionally affecting tale. 
IT is most definitely the best horror movie to come out of 2017. The acting is on point, with Bill Skarsgard delivering one of the most memorably disturbing horror characters of all time in Pennywise. He is however exceptionally well supported by a young and fresh faced cast who are all bringing their A game here as well, with notable performances being delivered by Finn Wolfhard, Sophia Lillis, Nicholas Hamilton and Jeremy Ray Taylor.
The visuals are certainly dark, dreadful and nightmarish; but the coming of age story that is playing in the background is not at all drowned out by the grim effects, which was really pleasing to see. IT is a true horror gem and a must see movie for fans of quality horror.
FINAL SAY: We all float down here. 
4.5 Chilli Peppers ​

I have been meditating daily on this awesome app called Headspace. It's free, user friendly and above all else, it is intensely enjoyable. Yes, that's right, it is enjoyable and I'm not kidding! Sitting crossed legged and zoning out for a few minutes every day has actually been really lovely; and unlike positive visualisation (which you all know I love, but is essentially meditation with a purpose) the variety of meditation on Headspace encourages you to 'zone out' rather than 'check in.' It's kind of like a daily mind rinse that clears out all of the bugs and glitches in your head; and it only takes five minutes a day if that is all that you can spare. 
​Seth and I are officially addicted to it. Headspace has become a part of our daily ritual and we have found the act of meditation very calming and exceptionally useful. I personally have been using the zen practises of Headspace a lot this week, as I have now moved onto the second (and most terrifying) stage of my job interview process. Turns out that last week's engagement was merely stage one, which thankfully I passed, next Wednesday is stage two. We are officially down to me and one other candidate for the position. This information is both terrific and also intensely nerve wracking, as I am now a mixture of joyful hope and paralysing and crippling anticipation all at once.
As it gets closer to the pointy end it is both exciting and utterly nauseating, and clearly what my potential employer is looking for at this stage is to be dazzled. No pressure, just be dazzling on the day, easy right? Without a doubt, I am going to require some zen like meditation and preparation so that I don't rock up on the day resembling a plate of jelly. 
Well meaning friends have offered support by saying things like, just be yourself and they'll love you. Ahh, yeah, well, there is a big difference between me in my comfort zone and me in a space that is well outside of my comfort zone; and that can be the difference between lovable and should we call you an ambulance? So, uhhh.....yeah, let's just keep on trucking with the Headspace app and the positive visualisations and let's just see how we go shall we? 
For it is the fear of the unknown and unknowable that makes these moments so poignant, so challenging and so very gripping. All that you can do is attempt to put your best foot forward on the day and hope that it will be enough, and the rest is in the hands of the gods, and I will need to make my peace with that, however it plays out. 

Over the last few months I have managed to spend quite a bit of quality time with my mother. I haven't really had the opportunity to spend that much quality time with my mum, or should I say that I never really pursued spending a lot of quality time with her very often before. In the past, I had a lot of poorly judged preconceived ideas about my mother. As a consequence of that, I never really had the opportunity to get to know my mother as a woman, and because I had made a lot of rash judgements about who she was in the past; I had sacrificed the opportunity to have a meaningful relationship with her. 
Without any input or opinion blocking my judgement, I have finally been able to see her as a woman, as a person in her own right, and not just as my mother. And I feel like I am gaining a deeper understanding of who she is now, and I have really been enjoying the time that we have been sharing together.
It has been so interesting and liberating to hear her side of so many stories that I have heard through the voices of others over the years; and it has made me feel bad for some of the harsh judgements that I have made about her in the past. It has actually been so nice to be able to just be myself around her and for the first time in my adult life I feel very close to my mother and I feel like I have turned a corner in our relationship. This is a wonderful thing to experience with her in her twilight years and I am glad that I have had this chance to really know her properly. 
There has been much to be gleaned from the quality time that I am sharing with both of my parents actually. They have a lot of knowledge and wisdom to share and they have reached a point in their lives where they no longer have the energy for anything complicated or problematic, they just want to spend quality time with me as well and I believe that this has brought a great deal of peace to our relationship.
I can honestly say that I am not looking for them to be anything more than what and who they really are, I don't want them to feel like they need to edit themselves or behave in any particular way, I just want them to be able to relax and be themselves around me. I accept them completely, warts and all, and I feel like they have reached that point with me as well. It feels quite wonderful to give and receive love with them both without any expectations or preconceptions of how things should be. It is really quite zen and it is so genuinely lovely for us all. 

I am a total yoga fiend at the moment, banging it out 7 days a week and getting up at 5.40am to hit the mat with hubby every week day. I have vastly improved my overall health and well-being by doing yoga regularly over the last twelve months, and even though I don't appear to be getting any thinner, my overall levels of energy and vitality have most certainly improved greatly. I know that the scales say that I am heavier, but I honestly seem to have gained more muscle than flab, so being a little heavier isn't really that bad.
All of my clothes still fit me too, so I am actually okay with gaining a few kilos, I've made my peace with the war that I was having against my weight. Being thin isn't the be all end all, being happy and healthy is a far better thing to aim for. I don't need to be thin, thin is not necessarily the secret to a long and healthy life, but feeling great all of the time is something that I am most definitely interested in and surely that would add up to a longer and happier life? 
We all tend to view health in pretty limited ways, which is really quite shameful of us. When we think of health we generally think of other words too, like thin, toned, trim and tight. Visions of speed and endurance come to mind, people clinging to the side of a mountain or biking across the plains, a long distance runner or people at the gym pumping iron. And yeah, sure these are examples of healthy living for some people, but it is most certainly not healthy for all of us. However, we are all conditioned to see fitness in that way and by those very limited terms, because that is what the media tells us that being healthy is. And we buy into it. I buy into it, 100% I do, but not anymore, I have had a big change of heart over the last 12 months, and I know for sure that health and longevity come in many many forms. 
​Being healthy should not just be limited to the way that a person looks. For true vitality you also need a healthy and balanced diet; and I know heaps of people are going to hate me for saying this, but that diet should not be made up of protein powders and shakes - gross, that is not food, that is not natural and that is not nutritionally sound. Your food should mostly be in it's most natural state and in a perfect world, it should be paddock to plate whenever possible. It should have variety, colour and above all flavour, and what you put into your body should be a delight to eat. You should feel good eating it, and also feel great after you have eaten it too, and you should only eat until you feel full, not stuffed. 
Having a healthy lifestyle should also incorporate other things that we rarely ever think about when we hear the word healthy. Things like fresh air and 'low impact' outdoor activity (by low impact I mean stuff that won't jar your joints), drinking water, taking care of your body through good hygiene and grooming habits, having meaningful relationships and quality time with others and by yourself. You should also regularly engage in activities that stimulate your brain and offer you a chance to grow as a person, both intellectually and emotionally. You should try to get a good night's sleep every day and also learn to turn off your phone and devices. All of those things will contribute to your overall well-being and they have zero to do with how much you weigh on set of scales. 
You should walk, stretch, laugh, smile, hug, breathe deeply, be thankful and love yourself  for just being you and be kind - every, single, day, without fail. So forget about what you think healthy looks like, because healthy really looks like a million different people's body shapes and comes in many different forms. So don't let the media restrict your perceptions; you don't have to look 'perfect' to have a good, healthy, vital and long life. You just have to embrace who you are and take good care of what you have and there is nothing skinny about that kind of thinking!

It is during these difficult times of unrest in the world, that people start seeking out someone to blame for the atrocities, they do it without really thinking and they do it  in an attempt to alleviate their concerns. With the string of recent terrorist attacks in the western world, we have all suddenly been forced to pay attention to a problem that we had yet again, allowed to be pushed to the back of our minds.
Even though extremist and terrorist movements are ongoingly killing hundreds of civilians across the globe, we don't hear about it on a daily basis. The media isn't publicizing the ongoing horrors of the middle east, and that has given us the luxury to not consider all of deaths in places like Syria or Afghanistan from the ongoing battles. However, it is ongoing, whether we think about it or not.
​To put it into perspective, so far this year there have been 544 terrorist attacks across the globe, resulting in 3704 fatalities. Because we don't really hear about these daily bombings and deaths, we don't really think about them either; it's out of sight and out of mind for us and we are generally pretty comfortable with that scenario because, let's be honest,  it is easier to just not know. That is until the threat starts to move a little closer to home, that's when we pay attention. When people from our own country are dying, then suddenly our heads are turned and our concerns of a possible threat becomes very real and very personal and our thoughts start to ponder our own safety, and for many the question is raised - who should be held responsible for these acts of terror?
​It has become increasing difficult to ignore the threat of insurgencies like Al Qaeda and Isis and their extremist terrorism tactics, but we cannot allow their behaviours to dictate our common sense and our decency. We must not only remain vigilant to stamping out these oppressive regimes, but we must also remain sensitive to the pressures that these types of tactics place on muslim communities in general; and the difficulties that arise for muslims on a day to day basis as a direct result of these extremist attacks. 
Just the other day I was being taken by taxi to collect a rental car, my driver was a muslim gentleman from Pakistan. He had opted to wear a beanie instead of his turban on that morning because it was the day following the Ariana Grande concert attack in Manchester. He said that he, his friends and his family were all concerned about the backlash that they may be facing in light of recent events. He said that the pressure and prejudices are always very intense for them after these types of things happen, and now that the public are aware that most of these western attacks are being undertaken by western muslim extremists, then that pressure on them is even higher again. 
It is most certainly a time to present a united front against these terrorist groups, but our fight must not be misguided or misdirected, we cannot let our fear become our undoing, we cannot let hate in, and on that front I do worry. I worry because fear makes people irrational and desperate for someone to blame, but we must remember that this recent rise in westernised terrorist attacks is not  just a western problem, it is a global problem, it always has been, and we must find a way through it on a global level.
Now more than ever, it is the time to open our doors to the oppressed and the beaten down people of this world and to say that we will together fight this tyranny. It is the time to share in compassion and empathy, to build bridges not walls, to share our resources and to not let the hate of these terrorist minorities spread any further than it already has. It is time to hold true to our humanity, stay strong in our dignities and determinedly reinforce our common ground. That is the only way that we can truly defeat the extremists that we are all facing in the world today - without the fear that they so desperately want to strike upon us, but by standing tall- side by side -together - as one. 

The thermostat plummeted today and the landscape was a frosty white in the early hours. There was a crispness to the air that told me that somewhere it was snowing and at 8.20 am my car was reading the outside temperature at only 1 degree celsius. Yes, it is undeniably true, winter is coming and it has started off with a bang.
In compensation, I have dusted off my winter woollies, put my beanies within easy reach and cleaned all of the cobwebs out my gumboots because from this point on the days are going to get very dark, very short and extraordinarily cold. 
The dreaded lurgy is yet again doing the rounds at work and the children and staff alike are all succumbing to it's horrific wrath. It's difficult to not get coughed and spluttered upon by at least a dozen children daily, which really does test one's fortitude and I fear that it will only be a matter of time before I too fall victim to it's evil attack. I am trying to combat the dreaded lurgy by eating nutritious foods, taking a daily multi-vitamin, gorging on citrus fruits and keeping up with my yoga regimen. So far so good, but I know how harsh Ballarat winters are and in reality it is only a matter of time before something catches me. 
Hardly the right time of the year to be doing this given the depleting amount of sunlight hours, but Craig and I have had solar panels installed onto our house this week. We have done this in an attempt to be more environmentally sound and we will hopefully also save some money on our insanely high electricity bills as well. We are 'all systems electrical' out here, and in the winter it gets really hexy with heating requirements, so any savings would be welcomed. The panels themselves aren't the most aesthetically pleasing addition to the front of our house if I am being completely honest, but as I said, this is really more about being sustainable and less about looking pretty so I need to make my peace with it. Gotta think globally these days or you're just a bit of an asshole really. 

The Great Stupa of Universal Compassion called me back once again to Bendigo this weekend in celebration of Vesak (Vesakha) or Buddha Day. Zoe, Seth and Helen joined me in celebration of what is informally known as 'Buddha's Birthday' - a day to commemorate the birth, enlightenment and death of Buddha. The Great Stupa held it's annual special gathering and night show for the event, and we all got be a part of it this year. 
Vesak is a time of great joy and happiness and Buddhists take it's celebrating very seriously, as I found out on Saturday evening when I was amazed, dazzled and entertained by a variety of spectacular performances and a fireworks display that had to be seen to be believed, absolutely brilliant! 
After spending a leisurely day perusing Daylesford and wandering The Great Stupa grounds by day, we joined a large gathering of people to assemble on chairs facing the brightly lit Stupa in the early evening. A variety of talents and acts had been enlisted to perform on stage in celebration of Vesak, all of which were fantastic and showcased many different cultures and unique abilities. Let's just say that I haven't seen such a diverse amount of acts gathered together in one place before and I thought that it was really entertaining. Among my favourites were the Bendigo Lion Dance Team, Jason Kerr's Didgeridoo performance, Vern the Fire Dancer and the hilarious shadow puppet show "The Birth of Gatotkaca" by Aaron Hall that had us all in hysterics.
The evening culminated in a light and sound fireworks show that left me speechless, I have never been so close to fireworks in my life and I have never seen fireworks done so well before. I felt like I was 10 years old all over again, I was just sat there, gob open, completely mesmerized! On the way back to the car Seth exclaimed "10 out of 10, let do the Stupa the again!"To which we all agreed that we would definitely return for this event again next year, and quite possibly every year after that. I definitely must tip my hat to the organisers of this event, it was exceptionally well orchestrated and incredibly good value for money, I was really impressed by the levels of professionalism and organisation. 
I think that I may have found a hidden gem in Vesak; a chance to get together just before the darkest days of winter are upon us and celebrate diversity in the most spectacular fashion imaginable with the Buddhist community. I do believe that Vesak is going to become an annual event for me from now on. 

Yes, that's correct, there are only 10 days left until the big event - Christmas Day! School has ended for the students at my school and everyone seems to have shaken their sillies out, especiallly me who was clearly getting bogged down with other people's crap, playing precious and not focusing on the important stuff. It's totally okay to do that from time to time, especiallly at this time of the year when we are all quite tired and fragile.
​We all get our hang ups and feel tested from time to time, you just can't linger there on the edge of crazy town for too long, or else you'll start to assimilate and turn into a full time nutter. No thanks I say, being stressed and anxious is bloody hard work, I haven't felt that drained in an age! 
This hectic week has not allowed me any spare time to ponder anything anyway, which has probably been the best case scenario in truth because some distraction from my own negative inner diatribes has been just what I've needed.  That distraction came in the form of two graduation ceremonies, one for Seth and one for the Year 6 children at my school.
There is nothing like a joyful coming of age ceremony to really put things into perspective. Watching all of those bright young hopefuls (especially my own!) take to the stage and share their goals and aspirations is a really wonderful thing. Seth's class did an amazing dance mash-up that was just terrific, it left me with my first real smile in days.
Just seeing the pride on their faces as they accepted their graduation certificates really did lift me out of my funk, that's for sure. There is a real magic that surrounds the young, their energy and life force is truly tangible and it is virtually impossible to feel unhappy when you are around them at their best. 
I was also insanely spoilt by my students this week as they said farewell to me for another year. They showered me with an abundance of generous gifts; and the kindest words were written inside of lovely Christmas cards that were genuinely touching to receive. How could I still be in a funk after that I ask you? 
On top of all that good mojo, there are only three working days to go until I am free for the Summer and the silly season alike, and lets be honest, if that doesn't leave me in a feel good mood, then nothing can! I am really looking forward to Christmas and can't wait to spend some quality time with my children over the holidays, I need to feel release, and it is so close that I can almost taste it. 

November has really delivered a whole load of crap sandwiches to my door, and I have reached my personal pinnacle. In the last six weeks I have completely drained my once healthy looking holiday savings account to pay bills, most of them doctors bills. And then today, just to really put some extra crap into the final day of the month, my car broke down in the middle of an intersection, just spluttered to a stop. Poor Penelope is now at my mechanic's awaiting repairs that appear to be linked to my battery that exploded a few months back, turns out all of that rogue battery acid was none too good for my engine. Not only do I have to await Penelope's return, but I also have to await another dreaded bill of unknown proportions. All of my hard saved non-smoking money has all just gone....poof! And I have nothing joyful to show for it whatsoever. 
​God only knows what I am going to pay this latest hiccup it with. Lucky for us, our mechanic is fabulous at repairs and lousy at getting his paper work in order, so hopefully that will buy me a few weeks to work out how to wrangle the cash for this debacle.
You would think that a month that re-introduced alcohol into your life would be joyful wouldn't you? But, it has been quite the opposite really, utterly joyless would be a better description. And to top it all off, all of this insane busyness and money stress of late has had Craig and I at each others throats like a pack of wild hunting dogs, honestly it's nothing short of diabolical around here. I feel like I'm on the set of National fucking Geographic, it's all egg shells and threatening sneers and I'm over it!
I'm literally checking out mentally at the moment, and if I keep shutting down at this rate, I will be in a coma within a week. Even whiskey can't fix this funk! Come on December, bring me something good. 

Went to start my car after school today and the key in the ignition just went click...click...click...and that was that; I wasn't going anywhere in a hurry. Obviously it had to be a battery problem, right? So naturally I called Craig who was already having a day from hell judging from the way that he received my crisis call for help, so he had to dash off and get Seth from school before coming to my aid. 
Anyway, yes, it was a battery issue, a rather big one really. The battery had kind of half exploded and there was all this corrosive acid shit all over the shop, but I didn't realise that until we had somehow (still dunno how we did this) managed to jump start it and get it home to Enfield, where it promptly died in the driveway and refused to be roused again.  So, it was another trip back into town for Craig to purchase a new battery and viola! Two hours and two hundred bucks later and the crisis was averted. 
The really weird thing about it though, is that Zoe's car broke down on the way home to Geelong on Sunday and it too was her battery, which had to be replaced. So Penelope and Serenity both had their batteries fluff out this week, how hilarious that even our cars are in sync! 
I think that our vehicles may be manifesting our emotions for us, because I am fast approaching my 'fluff out' limit too. As the term reaches it's twilight weeks and the looming bi-annual concert grows ever closer, I too think that my battery is beginning to wane. If the state of the staff morale at work is anything to go by, it's a wonder my battery has already given up the ghost.
But never fear, holidays and the prospect of two work free weeks also loom, and that is something to get super happy and enthusiastic about. Bring it on I say, I am going to go full on recharge mode this break, and get my battery back up to 100% charged again; only seven working days to go, I got this shit! 

Had a lovely Chinese lunch with the folks and then took Seth to the Grampians because he really wanted to climb The Pinnacle. I have done the climb a few times already, but it had been years since I'd attempted the climb all the way to the summit, so I knew that I was in for a challenge before we even arrived. Did we complete the climb? Of course we bloody well did. Did I find it difficult? Of course I bloody well did! I can't remember the last time that I voluntarily hiked for 4 straight hours, most of which was on an incline and on dodgy rocky surfaces, so yeah, it is fair to say that it was a challenge, but we did it! We even took a selfie of ourselves to prove to the world that we did do it, mostly because I figured that no-one would believe that I had actually done it if I didn't have photographic evidence to prove that it really had happened. 
​Anyway, when I woke up the next morning, my body was telling me no - 'no, don't do that again in a hurry' it screamed from every crevice of my flabby body. How the hell did my back, chest and shoulders get so sore anyway? It's not like I slithered up on my gut like snake or anything, but for some reason the strangest parts of me ached. Totally weird to be honest, but I was obviously using my upper body more than I realised I was, and I am 100% sure that when I did the climb about a decade ago that I wasn't sore in any of those places the next day, proving again that my body is rapidly turning to shit around me.  
However, there was no time to sook it up, because I was out and hitting the road again, this time I was off to Bendigo to spend the weekend with Helen. We went to see the new Marilyn Monroe exhibition that is currently on at The Bendigo Art Gallery, and I have to say that although I was never a huge Marilyn fan, I was thoroughly impressed by the exhibition. A huge array of personal items, clothing, images and information is on display, which really helped me to understand who Marilyn Monroe was, not just as an icon, but also as a person. I swear that she was utterly incapable of taking a bad photograph, and considering she was around in the days before Photoshop, she looks bloody incredible in every single shot. She truly was gobsmackingly gorgeous, and I can certainly see why men tripped over their own tongues and went gaga in her presence, because there is no denying it, she was insanely hot and her look is the epitome of timeless beauty. The exhibit is worth going to just to see her incredible wardrobe alone, what style! 
There was a photo that was on display that was apparently Marilyn's favourite photograph of herself, and after having a good look at it, it actually made me feel really sad. There is clearly a deep sadness in her eyes and some unspoken sorrow in her expression that cannot be missed; how telling that she favoured that photo of herself the most. Like so many other icons that went before and after her time, she too was drowning right in front of the entire world. Seen on every billboard and plastered in the public's eye, and yet so very lost and secretly damaged. Marilyn's short life and legacy is a tragic tale for sure, and one that we keep on seeing time and time again. Unfortunately, we keep witnessing these incredibly talented and influential people succumb to the pressures that the limelight thrusts upon them, and it is truly an awfully sad thing to witness. 

Went out for dinner with a group of friends last night, to a restaurant that just happened to be next door the local sex/adult shop. Upon entering I noticed a large poster advertisement in the window for a devise that was basically claiming to have revolutionized women's pleasure. The image was pretty non-descriptive (of course- since it was in the front window) and it really raised my interest levels, not because I necessarily wanted to rush out and purchase one but because I was genuinely interested to know what the fuss was all about. God forbid that there be a fabulous devise available that I have not been told about, clearly I needed to know! 
So, by raising the issue of what I had seen over dinner (several times actually) I did manage to coerce the others into coming in and having a peruse after dinner. The man behind the counter was more than happy to accommodate our inquiry with a hands on demonstration of the devise. Basically it just vibrates and has a little attachment that sucks and blows - clearly designed for clitoral stimulation. Not nearly as revolutionary as I had envisioned but probably a handy devise for those that have the need. 
There was the usual array of vibrators and gag sex items for hens night carry on and the like, as well as the bondage and butt stretching devices that always make me wonder how many people actually buy those types of things, probably more than one would think if the truth be told. I can't imagine having a butt plug or ball gag in my own bedroom; different strokes for different folks though, you never know what's going to spin someone else's tyres. You can certainly find something for every taste at the adult shop that's for sure, and if you're looking for a bit of boudoir enhancement I'd say that is probably you're one stop shop. Honestly, it isn't somewhere that I frequent but I am curious, and I do like to investigate what is on offer. There were some very non-offensive looking vibrators that I hadn't seen before. They look far more appealing, modern and discreet than the old veiny rubber gel varieties that look like the belong on the set of some seedy porn movie and could never be left in a bedside drawer with children in the house. These new models are very sleek looking and could easily be mistaken for a remote control or computer mouse by an unsuspecting child or nosy parent, which does has it's advantages I suppose. But anyway, I'm not really in the market for a vibrator or dildo at the moment, but it never hurts to know your options. 

Good Lord, it is all going on...the Christmas crazies have began. The tree is up -  decorated to within an inch of it's life, the advent calendar has been opened and the reality of Christmas has become glaringly and utterly unavoidable. Now I shall begin to seriously contemplate my Christmas shopping list, deciding who I need to buy for, who I feel obligated to buy for and who I should permanently cull from my list because they don't deserve anything for being such a tool all year. 
In all seriousness though, I actually love to give gifts at Christmas. I find the giving exceedingly enjoyable and spoiling people at Christmas does seem like a rather simple and yet highly enjoyable thing to do. I am generally not the most demonstrative person in the world, I find social hugs and kisses a tad awkward and I am the last person to rush to comfort a person when they are upset. That doesn't mean that I don't care, I just kind of freeze up like a deer in headlights and tend to look at my feet awkwardly, shuffling around and hoping that someone with far better heart mending skills than me will arrive soon to restore order. But giving someone a gift, well I am all over that - it's a pretty packaged way of saying 'I think you're great' without having to gush or get touchy feely. Perfect! 
So with the tinsel glittering, the lights flashing and the baubles shimmering, it is time to bust out my Christmas cards and make my list, problem is, that I don't really have anyone that I can cull, because everyone has been so kind to me this year. Which means that this could be a rather hexy Christmas if I continue to let my purse be demonstrative for me! Goddammit, being an emotional cripple does have it's down side. 

Went out for dinner on Friday night with all of the lovely ESO's for an early end of year dinner. December always gets pretty hectic and it can be increasingly difficult to set aside an appropriate time to pat everyone on the back and have a quiet drink and chat, so doing it early seemed to make the most sense. 
Over dinner, I got chatting to a friend of mine about the nature of addiction. This topic came up since I have put myself on nicotine patches (day five and counting), generally I don't like to tell people that I am trying to quit because it makes failing substantially more tragic and humiliating, so I tend to just play it cool and see how things pan out. But in not telling people, you do allow yourself the space to slip back without anyone ever knowing that you have even tried, and that's almost like a safety net in itself really. Anyway, I have told people this time, and I will just take it a day at a time like I always do. 
I have quit smoking more times than I would like to admit, and I have done it really well I might add. I could be a poster child for a quit campaign, I am like a professional quitter. I have quit a least ten times, and for really long stretches, up to two and a half years at a time actually, and then boom! Something happens that I can hang my hat on and I go and buy a packet of cigarettes and I am right back there again, puffing away my life savings and voluntarily giving myself a shorter life span. I have habitually quit smoking every couple of years, stayed off for long enough to not feel the need for nicotine and then gone back again, like a dog to the vomit! Why do I do this? Why am I continually on a cycle of addiction and recovery from cigarettes? 
This is where our conversation began, and I was surprised when I heard the words of justification for going back coming out of my mouth; how insane they sounded! Why would I quit for so long and then go back? And lets be honest, it really isn't easy to be smoker in today's day and age, you are like a leper at a nudist colony most of the time. It's hardly like an episode of Madmen, everyone knows that smoking will give you cancer, it's 2015 for fuck sake - we know it's killing us, and so you can't really appear cool anymore when you smoke; reckless perhaps, but certainly not cool. So what is the attraction? It's expensive, unhealthy, uncool and smelly, but for some reason that little stick of death has a hold on me that I haven't been able to fully stifle.
Obviously, the reason for this inability to fully release from my addiction, is that my link to cigarettes is more than just physical, it's clearly psychological. I have a relationship with cigarettes - sick, but true. Cigarettes have seen me through the tough times, calmed me through the anger, they've stayed up late with me contemplating things, given me a reason to withdraw from everyone (just going out for a quick smoke) and have never been difficult to access. Why wouldn't I have a strong relationship with them? 
Yes, it can feel a lot like losing a very quiet and yet utterly reliable friend, giving up the fags. But, you have to try. I suppose that every day that I have been successful in my long battle against nicotine has been of benefit to my health, every day that I have said no was an achievement, even though it can be hard to see it that way when you've spent the day wanting to rip the head off everyone. We all have our addictions, some of us to rather innocuous things and some to something far more insidious, but we all have them. Unfortunately, mine is quite a slippery contender, and has, since I took my first drags way back in Primary School had a seductive and alluring quality that I am yet to fully resist. But for now, I resist, and I will continue to keep trying to resist, because for all of the things that I love about cigarettes, there are a million others things that I hate about them too. 

Crikey I have been watching a lot of movies lately, some good, some bad, some awful and some amazing. Talk about burning the midnight oil, it is nothing for me to stay up until the wee hours getting my fill of cinema in. However, I am a bit of a tight arse when it comes to paying for movies, I really do love the cinema but generally, I try to get my flicks for free when I can. No, I'm not a downloading demon, in fact there are tonnes of ways to get movies legally for free, if you just know how.
One of my favourites is to use of Apple TV and an ipad, there a quite a few television apps out there that are not only free but have a good array of movies and TV series that can be thrown up onto Apple TV from your mobile device for big screen viewing. Some free apps that I regularly use are:
SBS on Demand
ABC iview
9jumpin
PLUS7
Tenplay
Crackle
And if you already have a subscription - Foxtel Go and Netflix, but these aren't technically free. 
Another fantastic way to get tonnes of free movies is through your local library. If you have a library card (the library is free to join of course) you can go online and order whatever movies you like. The local library has pretty much everything, and if they don't have it, they will order it in from another library. They even send an email to let you know when your order is ready to collect. I have saved hundreds (possibly thousands by now) of dollars hiring for free from the library, and you get to check them out for two weeks at a time, bonus! 
I have a list as long as my arm (probably longer if the truth be told) of movies that I want to see. Some have been recommended to me, some I have seen a preview of and I want to see and others are just movies that I never got around to seeing but really need to; and I am managing to whittle through that list for next to nothing. So you don't need to break the law or spend a fortune to see really good movies, you just have to to be willing to seek them out. 
I would say that 85% of the movies that appear on my genre lists would be available to see for free, so....what are you waiting for? You have the genre lists, go and watch something awesome for free!  
Watched this corker for free last night, can't get it out of my mind.