Woohoo the school holidays have started! 
In my line of business that translates to happy happy days! I love my work, I feel a great deal of care for it and satisfaction from it; but do I need the holiday break every quarter? There are just no words to explain just how much really, and I am only an LSO - I can only imagine how teachers feel. 
I always find people that hate on school staff getting holidays so amusing. This is because they are often the same people that dread their own children's holidays, proudly exclaiming their relief when their children return to school after a two week respite. So, they are sick of their own kids after two weeks, but we should be able to put up with 300 odd kids social and emotional needs on a daily basis for weeks and weeks on end without needing a break from it? People please! There is only so much a person can give before they start to become exhausted assholes themselves, these breaks are essential to the well being of everyone involved - trust me! 

Anyway, with things winding down and late nights no longer a real issue, I have been watching a lot more movies. Some of it great, and some of it has been that shit that I'm surprised I haven't gouged my own eyes out of my head to make it end. Luckily, my tolerance for the abysmal is fairly high, but I feel that is only fair to forewarn you all about the following Hall of Shame viewings:

SLITHER
Release Date: 2006
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 95 mins 
Okay this was just awful, almost to the point of amusing - ALMOST! A small town is taken over by an alien plague of mutant slugs, I am not even joking - that really is the story line. Even Nathan Fillion's delivery of great one liners wasn't enough to keep this from sinking fast. It earns a pepper for not taking itself seriously - thank god.
FINAL SAY: Watch it pissed or not all
1 Chili Pepper 

THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Release Date: 2013
Rating: M
Running Time: 130 mins (way too fucking long) 
AGONY! Avoid at all costs, I fell asleep twice and it was still going! A girl the size of an acorn (Lily Collins) learns that she has descended from a long line of demon slayers and joins forces with all manner of young hotness to slay them. CGI heavy is an understatement, this had more effects than a ride at Movieworld - BLAHHHHHHHH - nausea!
FINAL SAY: Kill me now!
0 Chili Peppers 

SCARY MOVIE 5
Release Date: 2013
Rating: M
Running Time: 86 mins (I made it to 7 mins) 
WOW, there are people starving in the world and this type of shit is still being made? Who is watching this tripe? I can't tell you much since I barely saw any of it, but a few minutes was all it took for me to realise that this movie was the equivalent of a tapeworm to the entire movie industry.
FINAL SAY: Vile 
0 Chili Peppers 

Let me redeem myself here, by pointing out that I have watched some really good movies lately too. A couple were reviewed straight into their categories, but the best of the week has to have been Jindabyne.

JINDABYNE
Release Date: 2006
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 123 mins
An emotionally charged crime/drama to get you thinking and shedding a tear. Based on the short story "So Much Water So Close to Home" by Raymond Carver and filmed in the small Australian town of Jindabyne, this is a haunting and deeply disturbing tale. 
Stewart (Gabriel Byrne) and his friends head out for a weekend of fishing and drinking in an isolated part of the country. Their lives are changed forever when they find the body of a young murdered girl in the river. 
Laura Linney is stellar as Claire, the wife of Stewart; and the relationships in this movie are incredibly real. Conversations are so convincing, emotions are so raw and feelings are fully explored, so much so that you will also become involved, be warned - this is really touching stuff, I did have a cry. 
The local indigenous culture is portrayed with respect and dignity, and the Aussie landscape is hauntingly baron and beautiful all at once. 
FINAL SAY: This river runs deep
4 Chili Peppers 

Whilst watching the unfortunate and extremely bad program Tattoo Nightmares, Zoe and I got to talking about all of the dumb things that people do to themselves. Tattoos and piercings seem to be a common misdemeanour, often fuelled by too much alcohol or generally poor influences. Yes, I too have done my share of the dumb things, including an unfortunate tattoo that I still have from my rambunctious teens. 
But in the bigger scheme of things, tattoos and piercings are a mere blip on the radar when it comes to the dumb shit people do when they lack better judgement. I am thankful everyday that I never really fucked up my life, because I did some downright dangerous things.
A lot of adults that I grew up around seemed to be totally devoid of good decision making abilities, and the ones that did have their headlights on, did not have their eyes on me. This unfortunately meant that I probably went through a series of less than eloquent moments in my life. I was a naughty child, a rebellious teen and I am still a pretty unruly adult, but I'm a damn lucky one when I consider all of the situations that I almost got myself into, or narrowly got myself out of. 
Yeah, I've done all the dumb things, and I own them all, every last one of them. For good or bad they have made me who I am. Somewhat wiser, slightly brighter and capable of taking care of myself. Fair to say that all that dumb shit has made me a better person, led me to here and now.

But if you do ever feel like watching a movie full of bad life choices I recommend: 

YOUNG ADULT
Release Date: 2011
Rated: MA 15+
Running Time: 94 mins 
This movie really borders on dark comedy more than drama, but Charlize Theron brings such flair and dramatic influence to her role of Mavis that I couldn't place it anywhere else. 
It is rare for a movie so heavily driven by character development to leave us disliking a character more at the end of a movie than we did at the start, but that is exactly how things pan out in Young Adult. Everyone dislikes Mavis and she is the perfect victim. 
This film is brutal in its portrayal of a drunkard and narcissistic middle aged woman trying to steal back the affections of her now married,  high school lover. This is sad sad stuff, with a clearly damaged woman at the helm, desperate to be adored and recognised. 
Mavis's friend Matt (Patton  Oswalt) is wonderful as the high school reject and voice of reason, and the scenes with the two of them together are pure gold. This is a really well put together movie about fucked up people making lots of fucked up mistakes, it is riveting. 
FINAL SAY: Arrested Development. 
4 Chili Peppers 

Spent the longest night of the year in a state of great merriment around the campfire with Helen (my best friend) and the family. All afternoon Helen, Zoe and I prepared a three course medieval feast, with all of the sides and trimmings, all of the special sauces, ciders and mulled wines from scratch! 
And what a feast it was, eaten with wooden forks and knives at table dressed with Autumnal linen , gourds and candle light no less. Oh, check me out all fancy! 
We started with a mulled wine (called Hippocras) and an ember day tart. Next came apple and pear ciders with roasted pork and crackling with seasonal root veg and poached leeks in a mustard vinaigrette. For dessert, a quince spiced cake with cream. And the afters (like we weren't already nearly exploding) involved a traditional nut honey toffee called nucato, creamy wine and much hilarity by the fire. 
Try playing 'would you rather' with a nine year old along for the ride and it gets really funny, very quickly. The best one that Seth came up with was - would you rather jump off a building to your death or French kiss a cat and Mr. Bean? This should give you some idea of the way that things were heading as the night wore on.
And so that was how it went for us on the longest night of the year. Lots of tasty food and drinks and buckets of laughs. 
Spent today washing the smoke stench outta of everyone's coats, scarves and beanies, oh and watching a fantastic fox. 

FANTASTIC MR FOX
Release Date: 2009
Rating: PG 
Running Time: 87 mins
Wes Anderson never ceases to delight me. He is the master of absurdity and quirkiness, so naturally his interpretation of the Roald Dahl's classic Fantastic Mr Fox was going to be wonderful. 
This adorable stop-motion movie is a feast for your eyes from start to end. The details are imaginatively realised with the use of simple and everyday items and there is so much heart in every frame of this work that you will find yourself utterly captivated. 
When Mr Fox, voiced perfectly by George Clooney, decides to take on a group of farmers (Boggis, Bunce and Beans) for stocks and supplies, he ends up in all kinds of bother. Eventually, Mr Fox must call on the support of his own community in this showdown of wit and cunning. 
This is smart and fresh filmmaking, and it is worthy of an adult audience just as much as a child's. 
FINAL SAY: Cussing good.
5 Chili Peppers

Yes, it is safe to say that I have a first class Ballarat head cold. Completely unavoidable as everyone at work and home succumbs to its powers. Feeling like a slice of shit pie all day, I managed to dose up big on the cope dope and crawl through the hours. 
By the time I got to a work colleague's farewell dinner in the evening I was my own serve of fresh hell, but I was raised to be good to my word so I  just refused to not go, after all I said I would be there. And if I say I will be there, come hell or high water (head cold included) I WILL BE THERE! 
So excited to see that my favourite Spanish restaurant was back on fire, the food was again at the fabulous standard I expect from them. I can forgive them a bad night, just a shame it was the night that Craig and I went there, but that is the bitter irony of talking shit up too much. 
So home again by 9.30pm, hitting the meds and the couch in a big way. 
Need me some quality drama.....

MUD
Release Date: 2012
Rating: M
Running Time: 130 mins 
This movie haled the beginning of the McConaissance, which is basically the re-invention of Matthew McConaughey from ridiculous rom-com love interest roles into a string of highly reputable and successful films in the last two years. 
Mud is a film about love, but there is nothing cheesy about this movie; it is a charming and rich tale exploring the many facets of love through the eyes of men. 
The story takes place on the Mississippi River and revolves around two small town teens that meet a mysterious drifter, on the run from the law, named Mud. The boys try to help Mud reunite with his lost love, whilst going through their own rites of passage. 
Tye Sheridan and Jacob Lofland are amazing as the troubled teens, Reece Witherspoon is at her best and Michael Shannon has a small yet meaningful role. But Matthew McConaughey is the heartbeat of this movie, encapsulating every element of Mud with a perfection that we have since come to expect from him.
FINAL SAY: Mississippi Mud sure is delicious. 
5 Chili Peppers

Being married is tough at the best of times. Anyone that is married would agree with that. It's not like you can just break-up even if you wanted to do, its really complicated when you have a piece of paper attesting to the fact that you once said forever. 
I am going to be married for 20 years in November, which is really weird to me. It feels like it has been a heartbeat and a lifetime all at once. There are days that I look at Craig and see all of the things that I love about him in one big rush of affection and there are other days when I just want to punch him in the face. And that pretty much sums up what it is like to be with a person for 20 years. 
They know everything about you, they have witnessed you shine and fall from grace. They know all of your secrets, hang ups and insecurities, which is very powerful and private information that no-one else knows. They also make you laugh and get all of your mental   in-house jokes that you know that everyone else just pretends to get. They know what you like and hate and they try to not get them mixed up and at the end of the day they just want to spoon you in bed and dream beside you.  
Forever does sound like a long time, but in reality it isn't when you find the right person. And the right person doesn't always meet your every whim or do things perfectly, the right person can be really annoying and test your patience.  
It's like a Tale of Two Cities being married because it is the best of times and it is the worst of times. It is the best roller coaster ride I have ever been on and I don't want to get off.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
Release Date: 2004
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 108 mins 
This is my favourite romance movie of all time. Crossing into the sci-fi genre and running with two story lines simultaneously, this movie directed by Michel Gondry is guaranteed to tug at your heart strings.
The script was penned by Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich and Adaptation) making the dialogue fresh and intelligent and the story line original in every way. 
Joel and Clementine are struggling in their relationship and decide to have a procedure that will erase each other from their memories. However, in trying to lose each other, they discover the true nature of what they had in the first place. 
This was a break out role for Jim Carrey proving to the world that he is not merely a slapstick comedy actor, and Kate Winslet is captivating as ever along side of him. A star-studded ensemble fill all of the supporting roles including Kirsten Dunst, Mark Ruffalo and Elijah Wood. 
FINAL SAY: Don't erase this gem
5 Chili Peppers

So, Friday the thirteenth completely lived up to its reputation and managed to be one of my least favourite days of the year so far, bravo you asshole of a day! Combined with the relentless rain and full moon this weekend, it has sent everyone a little blah-blah, including me because I was being an A grade hater of epic proportions yesterday. HIDEOUS! 
But we all have our days don't we? And if you don't then it is fair to say that we would probably make terrible friends since I never trust people that don't suffer derailments at some point. I find it a bit inhuman and probably a little removed to be like that, it's too hard for me to find common ground with people like that since I am a huge feeler and a regular derailer. 
It is in these melancholy moments that I choose to slap my first world bullshit whiny ass problems upside the head, and focus on the mostly awesome state of my life. Seriously, I have a life that allows me to set myself ridiculous goals every year, and meet them! How do I meet them? Because I have the luxury of spare time and enough money to make choices - what a lucky bitch I am. 
In fact, in the last five years I have amped up my need to achieve - now this could be the behaviour of a terrifically mental person, I can own that. But at the end of the day, I have realised that I cannot be still for long, I need things to do! I need to grow and I can't stop. I never want to stop. I hope I am still doing all this mental shit when I am 100! I wish I had three lives to fill, I just have that much I want to do. 
Goals I have set and met in the last 5 years:

• Built the house of my dreams in the country with a porch and a view!
• Made art to hang in my home that doesn't look like it was created by a 3 year old.
• Learnt to cook 21 (one every fortnight) new dishes from scratch - and they were hard, not beans on toast! 
• Learnt to play the guitar and played in front of people without them raging or tossing fruit at me.
• Kept a journal for a full year, and wrote in it every day - still doing that, very cathartic. 
• Planned and booked a holiday to Thailand for a group and rode an elephant on my 40th birthday in the jungle. 
• Learnt to juggle (cannot however do this when I am drunk, found that out in front of my work colleagues; not the best place to find that out). 
• Started and kept a veggie patch going, and harvested lots of eats!
• Learnt to use a sewing machine and made a handbag and an apron that don't look like they were made by a lunatic. 
• Learnt to knit and completed a Dr Who number 4 replica scarf, and it is wearable. 

So what's next? Well, I think my goal is to get this website completed so that I can just add on new movies as I see them. Lord knows I have hundreds to review that I have already seen and put on the list. That should keep me quiet for a while. 
You see when you focus on the best stuff that happens then the shittiest hard-yard days and the full moon making people toxic and even the relentless rain, just doesn't even factor into it anymore. 
AHH...need some comedy relief, that post was heavy! 

THE WEDDING SINGER
Release Date: 1998
Rating: PG
Running Time: 95 mins
Don't allow the fact that Adam Sandler is in this movie to put you off, because surprisingly he can hold a tune and makes a fairly decent wedding singer. This film could easily slide into the romance genre, but I just found it so funny. Steve Buscemi as the drunken best man and Alexis Arquette as George are completely hysterical in their small but significant roles. Combine that with the bad 80's hair, clothes and make-up and you have an incredibly amusing watch. 
This is not a movie that will leave you thinking or changing your ideas, it's the absolute opposite of that. Trust me, there will be no thinking, but you will get a laugh. 
Robbie the wedding singer and Julia the waitress are getting married. Not to each other, to a couple of materialistic creeps. Julia enlists Robbie's help to plan her big day and the two soon realise they have feelings for each other. It's an tried and true storyline, but it is delivered with a kick ass 80's soundtrack and a infectious silliness that works. 
Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler have a good onscreen chemistry and sweetly portray the dizzy love struck characters well. It's just plain good fun and a feel good formula that delivers. 
FINAL SAY: I know this much is true.
3 Chili Peppers 

Nothing says mid-week Winter's night like a homemade spaghetti bolognaise. The weather has turned and everyone has a sniffle (or worse) of some variety and I feel that it's time to bust out the comfort food and draw the shades, 'cos it's getting funky around here! 
Hubby came home looking like death and in an instant I remembered vividly why I despise Ballarat Winters. We are literally only toes deep into the darkest season and we have all been sick already. Nothing like a good shared germ in a household to really strengthen those family bonds and share around the misery! 
Even my new Dr Who scarf - that I finally finished knitting on the weekend, couldn't keep the chill away today. Seriously, if I didn't have a coat on I would've poked out a someone's eyeball today and not with my finger! 
Time for carbs and protein with a sprinkling of parmesan; and a good measure of Science Fiction to get me through the hump day glums.

THE FIFTH ELEMENT  
Release Date: 1997
Rating: PG
Running Time: 126 mins
Everyone knew about the four main elements in the world - fire, water, earth and air, but how much did they know about the fifth element? Nothing really, and then Luc Besson directed this absolute peach of a movie and everyone was enchanted from then on. 
The Fifth Element  could easily fall into the comedy category, mostly due to Chris Tucker's hilarious character Ruby Rod, but it is set in a most colourful future where aliens and humans live in cohabitation,  cars hover and everyone wears Jean-Paul Gaultier making it a visually delightful science fiction tale. 
Add in a stellar cast like Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman and Milla Jovovich - playing the mesmerizing Leeloo and you have a slice of pure gold entertainment. 
FINAL SAY: Multi-pass
4 Chili Peppers

Finally got around to watching the recorded Game of Thrones episode that was waiting for me, and after 40 minutes of tepid viewing I was just about to call it a night when I saw a man's head get exploded with another man's bear hands (my apologies if that was a spoiler for anyone). Now that shit will totally mess you up at 11.30pm at night after a couple of drinks. You can't just unsee that, you can't just pretend that didn't happen. 
Great, now I'm awake! And perusing the channels for something mundane to watch that doesn't involve head explosions, I had salmon for dinner for Christ sake! So I need something funny and probably a bit silly that won't keep me up. And then I found it, already on my list and awaiting review. 

THE FRIGHTENERS
Release Date: 1996
Rating: M
Running Time: 110 mins
This early contribution from Peter Jackson is a winner; it is witty and clever. Horror/comedy is easily one of my favourite genre combinations and this is a great example of how it can be done well. 
Michael J Fox is Frank, a man that finds himself with the ability to communicate with the dead after a tragic accident. He uses his unique talents to con money out of the living that are desperate to make contact with their dearly departed or keen to remove an annoying poltergeist. But the arrival of a grim reaper like entity into Franks life sets things into a spin and the movie soon becomes a mystery/thriller with lots of plot twists and intrigue. 
The three ghosts that help Frank with his pursuits add color and comic relief continually throughout the movie and the creepy under-cover FBI agent Milton Dammers played by Jeffrey Combs is quite unsettling with his mutilations and women issues.  
FINAL SAY: Hilariously frightening!
3.5  Chili Peppers

Cannot believe that I was actually in the door by 4.15pm last night. I do finish work at 3.20pm but it is rare for me to get home much before 5.30pm. Why? Because I am a mum and a wife, because I don't work a full 8 hour day so I pick up the slack around here, and trust me it is a lot of slack. I am part time Learning Support Officer (paid for that one) and part time errand boy and personal assistant to my families every whim (unpaid and generally under-appreciated). 
Don't get me wrong, I am a major control freak and I need to have my finger on the pulse of everything so in a way this is a sad ritual of perpetually paying it forward that I have in most ways created for myself by gradually increasing my household productivity to the point of lunacy. 
You see just because I rock in the door at 4.15pm, that does not EVER mean that I hit the coffee or the lounge, the late night movie hound in me is late night for a reason. No my evenings are a ritualistic nightmare that consists of dinner preparation, lunch preparation for the following day, general psychologist, cleaner, laundry lady, homework analyzer and then after dinner maid and nag in that order. 
Yay, sounds sexy right? 
So, what does a woman do with her 1.5 hours of free time in the evening...little one is asleep, teen texting on couch, hubby gone to mates house...I watch a movie of course, a little light-hearted romp tonight. 

FILTH
Release Date: 2014
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 97 mins 
Having read the book of the same title by Irvin Welsh I was expecting a fairly horrific ride from this film. What I got was a watered down version of the book, which may have been a blessing when I really think about it. For those of you that know the book, the tapeworm is virtually nowhere to be seen in this film so you will not want to spew at any time. 
It's basically about a corrupt cop named Bruce that has a bevvy of personal problems and is trying to secure a promotion at work, thinking that it will help him to get his life back on track. In his pursuit of said promotion, he tries every underhanded trick in the book to eliminate his competition whilst staying off his prescribed meds and replacing them with copious amounts of whisky and drugs. The results are unpleasant. 
James McAvoy works his arse off and really does a winning job of portraying all of the wretchedness of Bruce but in the end this movie fell short for me.
FINAL SAY: Not enough kick in the whiskey                                                               
2 Chili Peppers

Spent hours on my website yesterday, felt a bit guilty so I took my son and his friend out to a cartooning camp and then took hubby out for dinner to a local Spanish cafe that I have fallen in love with. Isn't it always the way that when you want to really blow someone away or you've fluffed something up that it falls short when it comes to the crunch.  
Such was the Spanish dinner expedition. 
My husband (Craig) is really not fond of social outings, and eating out virtually makes him get hives - that's okay, not everyone likes to eat out. He just likes quiet spaces and no frills, so it has to be simple and easy.  So I considered his disposition and then I coerced him into coming to the Spanish Cafe with the promise of great food and atmosphere. 
Lets just say that it was a huge failure. 
Firstly, the place was pretty crowded, which is never a good start, and the drink that we had in the Irish Pub before hand wasn't awesome either- that place was already 3/4 full of loud half pissed people which hubby also hates. 
So the Spanish place is busy and the only table offering is olives - which he hates (YAY) and then comes the menu - YIKES!! The prices had been jacked up since my last visit 5 weeks ago and a lot of the tapas that I go for are missing, worst still only Spanish beer on the menu. Breathe....be cool....fudge your way through.
Maybe a nice sangria to start, they're always nice - IF YOU DON'T HATE MULLED WINE! What the fuck was I thinking? Needless to say I drank a whole jug of sangria myself and went a head and tried to order what I thought he might like. He found the calamari OK, the garlic prawns a bit off putting and then my final hope - the pulled pork. BABOW - It was much fattier than I recalled and no crunchy pig skin joy anywhere. 
It's cool - churros will save the day. No, not this day! $80 and 20 minutes later we're heading home and hubby says he feels sick. Perfect - boy I know how to show a guy a good time. 
In the door and not exactly on great terms, I hit the Jamiesons and the couch, watching TOSH.O I promise myself to not initiate a dinner date for another 12 months at least. 
Oh, Spanish why did you have to fuck up tonight?