Things are very slow around here, and I haven't even been drinking or puffing on Mary Jane. I think that it is just the calm before storm because everything kicks off next week. I go back to work, Zoe moves out the next day, Seth goes back to school the day after that, and then I lose my mind the day after that....so yeah...calm before the storm. 
Just kidding, I think that I have reached not only good place with it all, but a calm place with it all. I don't feel nearly as anxious as I did a few weeks ago, especially since I have spent a lot of time one on one with Zoe talking out our feels. This is not going to effect our closeness in any way, perhaps just make us appreciate each other even more if anything. So yes, I am easy like Sunday morning and feeling much brighter.
Craig on the other hand, has just commenced his seven degrees of separation and the reality of it all has crept up and smacked him in the back of the head with a baseball bat. But that is generally the way that Craig deals with everything -  it's so not happening...it's not even happening....it's not happening yet....oh fuck...oh God....it's happening? Is this really going to happen? What are these weird feelings that I am having? Please make it stop! 
Lucky for him that I am so well organised that I had all of my panic attacks way ahead of schedule, so I am as cool as a cucumber and can provide excellent moral support for his daddy breakdown sessions. Go team! 
But me, I'm not really worried any more, I have arrived at my place of acceptance. I am enjoying a slow weekend, a still day, a lull in my concerns, and for now, even if it's only for a short while, I am just going with the current as I float downstream, knowing that a waterfall of emotions will eventually rise up to meet me and possibly pull me over again, but not dwelling on it. I'm lifting my oars out of the water and just cruising along without too much thought of tomorrow, slow and easy....one day at a time. 

SLOW WEST
Release Date: 2015
Rating: M
Running Time: 84 mins 
A beautifully realised western-drama from first time writer and director John M. Maclean. With it's emotionally engaging plot line and non-conventional approach to the Old West, this film is destined to delight fans of Western movies and enthrall viewers that are thirsting for quality drama. Just as it's title implies, this film is a slow burner, nothing is hurried, not event the intense action scenes, allowing viewers plenty of time for contemplation along the way.
A young love-struck Scotsman named Jay travels to the American West to search for his beloved 'Rose'. He attracts the attentions of a bounty hunter named Silas who agrees to help him find his lost love, however along the way Silas discovers that Rose is wanted, and that her bounty is worth a handsome fee which greatly alters his purpose for finding her.
Michael Fassbender, Kodi Smit-McPhee and Ben Mendlesohn give some real grit and punch to the narrative with their superb deliveries, the open landscapes and cinematography have been exceptionally constructed and the speckling of off-the-wall humour added an appreciated twist to the tale, making this an overall enjoyable watch. 
FINAL SAY: There's more to life than just surviving. 
3.5 Chili Peppers ​

Charles Bukowski, the brilliant and dirty wordsmith once wrote - The days run away like wild horses over the hills, and how true that is. The days are drifting away and the reality of work and routine looms ahead with only one week of bliss left. 
The weather has taken an exciting turn for the worst, yes exciting turn for the worst, by which I mean - rain. It has been so dry out here and the recent offering of moisture from the Gods has meant water in our tank and a decent watering of our vegetation which is crippling rapidly in the formidable sunshine. I do love Summer, I actually love all of the seasons, but too many 38 degree days is not my idea of fun, it is just too hot to be enjoyable and even too hot to venture outside in all honesty. 
Zoe, Seth and I hid from the elements yesterday, we turned on the stereo and spent all day bopping around, swapping between art therapy activities and making ravioli from scratch for dinner. Best day ever, so quiet and relaxing, I swear that a day of creativity can be like a week at a health spa for me - completely rejuvenating. Having time to do three parts of fuck all is really the best thing about the holidays, you need those days where you have to do absolutely nothing unless you choose to, it's the only way to truly recharge your batteries. 
I have been watching an obscene amount of movies and TV series, since I now have Presto and Stan, there now seems to be an unlimited amount of fodder to keep me viewing until the wee hours of the morning. I have watched 24 movies already this year, which is more than one a day and that's not even counting the TV series that I have started to mow through as well. A bit O.T.T. I know, but I am just milking the chance to stay up late at the moment. I cannot lie, not all of the stuff that I have been watching is what I would call 'quality' viewing, but some of it has been fantastic, in particular all of the classic movies that have been on my 'must see' list for ages, this one being my favourite of those so far. 

Seth had his eleventh birthday yesterday. To celebrate he had a party with his friends at GUF where I got to watch a bunch of pre-teen boys get very rowdy on the fizzy stuff and play video games that mostly appeared to involve shooting each other or beating the shit out of each other; which they only paused momentarily from to gormandize several pizzas and stuff down cake. It was a huge success in Seth's eyes, which is a little concerning but also undeniably comforting to know just how simple the needs of eleven year old boys truly are: video games (preferably violent), soda, pizza and cake - almost too easy really. 
To extend the birthday celebrations a bit more, we went to see the Goosebumps movie as a family the following day, since Seth was dying to see it. Lets just say that this is one movie that has pre-teen stamped all over it. Every child between nine and thirteen is going to love it, anyone under nine will have nightmares and any adult dragged along will endure. But again, it hit the mark with Seth and he thought that it was fabulous, so we won all around this year. 
Onto the less enjoyable part of my week - Zoe has found a unit in Geelong and is moving out on January 28th - in less than two weeks. Fair to say that I have been in a state of shock since I got the news, but haven't resorted to any insane rants or attached myself to her leg and begged her stay just yet. No, I have made my peace with the inevitable and have taken the high road, all smiles and supportive conversations to mask the sadness that I am truly feeling, all sculling whiskey, crying in the shower and biting my nails down to the stubs in private - just as it should be! 
I can't lie, it's going to be tough and it is going take some getting used to, but I will...eventually. Anyway, it's not like I won't still have Craig and Seth to torture and torment for years to come, so there is that silver lining. Yep, just me and the boys....alone....together....for god knows how many years....oh Zoe.....are you sure you need to leave? 

With only two short weeks to go, I have finally kicked into proper holiday mode. I have started to sleep later, maybe because I am really burning the midnight oil and rarely hitting the sack much before 2am at the moment, I just have too many movies and TV series to watch! I have also started to chill out and relax, I have cast off the stress, I just don't have room or time for trouble, worry and strife. I have been indulging in all of my self healing activities like drawing and painting, reading, taking regular walks in nature and just being a lot more gentle with myself, that usually does the trick for me.
I took Seth and his friend out to my old teenage haunting ground at Jubilee Lake in Daylesford yesterday. What a blast from the past, I even managed to find the treacherous path that I used to walk everyday between the lake and my house, still there after all these years, albeit a lot more covered in blackberries now. I can still see the attraction of the place, perhaps even more as an adult, it is deeply peaceful and tranquil out there. The ancient trees and lush undergrowth seems to whisper they are so alive and the gentle rippling water is hypnotic and enticing. 
Whilst the boys paddle-boated around in the glorious sunshine, I sat under an old willow tree by the bank of the lake and read my book in the cool shade. We enjoyed some fresh salad rolls for lunch and then walked around the lake and visited the carbonated spring water pump, that has clearly had a major overhaul since my teens. The taste of that eggy, fizzy, sulphated water took me back alright, I never used to carry a water bottle back in the day, so I would often head out to the spring to quench my thirst. I recall it having a more offensive taste as a kid, I actually thought that it tasted pretty good yesterday and it was chilled, just goes to show you how your tastes do change and mature as you get older. 
Filled with nostalgia, and adequate time to smell the flowers, run my hands through the lake waters and observe the butterflies and bees busy at work, I feel quite rejuvenated. If nothing else, I have really learned to identity my personal triggers and my releases this year, which is actually a very zen way to start the year, perhaps it's a sign of better times ahead, but in the very least it is a sign that I am getting to know myself a lot better which is quite possibly the very best outcome of all.

Must say a fond farewell to David Bowie, who left the planet this week. You made me want to be taken by the goblins as a teenager, you made me rock out loud and proud flying my freak flag on many occasions and you were every bit a rock legend 'with your silicone hump and your ten inch stump'. Your music will live on forever. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on David, safe journeys....

As Zoe races around checking out potential rentals and making her new life plans come to fruition, I sit back with feelings of extreme anxiety and behave neurotically because the bottom line is....I just don't want her to go. I am not ready to let one of my chicks out of the nest just yet, but I have no choice in the matter - she's going to fly the nest, it's happening and I have to come to terms with it.
I understand that this is a natural life progression thing, you raise your kids, you arm them with self empowerment and then you send them go off to forge their own way in the world, but when the actual time rolls around that you have to say goodbye, you just feel like falling to pieces. How do you say goodbye to almost 19 years of hard work and effort? Who the hell is going to be there when things go wrong? Who is going to tell her what to do? How could she possibly manage without me?  
This is one of the most gut wrenchingly difficult things that I have ever done. I knew it was going to be horrid, but this is just ridiculous, I feel so damn anxious, and she's not even a stupid girl! I know that she is more than capable of getting on with life without us, perhaps I am just not sure that I can handle life without her. Christ - what am I saying? Slap yourself Barb!
​Great, I'm becoming one of those agonizing mothers that just can't cut the umbilical cord and let their kids go, I am becoming one of those "weirdo clingy mums." I never thought the day would come when I would move into the realms of the over-protective and insanely-anxious mother-zones, and I am not happy about that prospect. I also know that carrying on like a loony mother is not going to be of any help to Zoe whatsoever, so I have to pull my shit together and put on a brave face, because this isn't even about me, this is Zoe's time to shine and I do know that in the end it will all be alright.
This is just completely new and unfamiliar territory that I am walking into- I just need to sniff it out a bit more and piss on a few more fences before I get truly comfortable with it. 
Have to stay true to my mantra, going off road, going with the flow....Just be zen you crazy bitch, just be zen!

Still reeling from my dad's heart attack. It would appear that I am having some type of aftershock from the whole experience, because I am not yet feeling settled in my skin. I haven't managed to re-establish a sleep pattern, so I am surviving on around four to five hours of broken sleep a night because my mind just won't rest, which is hardly conducive to healthy thoughts and feelings. Team that with my PMT, my re-attempt to quit smoking and the looming reality of Zoe leaving and I am about 90% on my way to a good dose of 'calm the fuck down tablets' and a long hard cuddle from a very tight jacket. 
This is all fleeting of course, because I always get very frayed around the edges when I have been dealing with high pressure family situations, and it always comes to pass eventually. However, in the meantime, the poor people that I love the most in the world get the full brunt of my excellent 'go-to' coping strategies which mainly consists of anger, denial and blame, usually in that order. Later followed up by tears, guilt and apology, all of which come into play just a little too late. Yes, it is fair to say that I have been a bit of a bitch in the last few days, which I really do not cope with at all. I always feel so very weak when I take my frustrations out on other people, it is just so pathetic, and I have never in my life, not even once, felt good after I have done it.
At least I can recognise the patterns in my own shitty behaviour I suppose, which is always the start to the road to recovery.  Now I seek to heal my weary mind, recover my calm by surrounding myself with good people, resting  as much as I can and ultimately try to be gentle with myself for being such an epic fuck up that is way too easily rattled for my own good.

So the saga with my dad didn't actually end at my last blog entry as I had hoped, and just as I had predicted, he shouldn't have left the hospital as soon as he did. Less than 12 hours after taking him home, he was being rushed back to hospital again to be strapped up to every device imaginable and poked around for a second time. 
Thankfully, in the end it was not a major problem, it was just a problem with his heart medications which were causing him to become out of breath and excessively fatigued, so after another two days of tests and monitoring, I returned him home yesterday for the second time. Hopefully now, this time around,  peace will truly come to the valley for I am now tired beyond all good reasoning. I am also well and truly over playing 'voice of reason' for my mother and sister who decided to get particularly vicious towards each other by the end of it all, so my theory of this all bringing us closer together was pretty pie in the sky. 
I did have New Year's Eve to myself, with dad back in hospital and mum allowing some reprieve by going home for a couple of days, I spent the evening on the deck with Craig and the kids, going hard at oblivion and succeeding beautifully.
​With a nice little hangover trailing behind me, I spent the first morning of the year alone by my father's hospital bed. This was the first time that I have been alone with my dad in many, many years and the conversation that we shared was extremely cathartic to the both of us. That morning may have been the only good thing to be gleaned from this awful and terrifying experience, and it may be one of the last times that I ever get to spend time alone with him. It is strange what a near death experience can do to a person, and for a while there, he wasn't even a shadow of the grumpy, easily tempered father of my youth, he was just an old man sharing his time with me. Those moments of quiet chatter were good for my soul. When someone you love almost dies, you learn to appreciate the small moments, they are suddenly so much more meaningful than they would've been before.
As the new year now stretches out like a lazy cat before me, I contemplate what I want to get done this year, and for the first time in many years I don't feel like I need to set myself an ultimate goal this time. I just want to keep living in the moment and finding more zen in the everyday things - just let it all happen as it happens. I am not making plans, not setting myself up for struggle or failure, but just taking it all one day at a time, one moment at a time. I know that I will continue to accomplish and learn because it is my nature to do so, I will never be satisfied to stay the same and not grow, but this year, I am going to let experiences come to me, and I will embrace them openly and willingly. This year I am going to allow myself to wander off road without a map.....no plans, no destinations.....let's just see where that takes me. 

IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE 
Release Date: 2000
Rating: PG
Running Time: 98 mins 
This is a love story for adults, a film about being completely aware of your feelings but being adult enough to not have to act on every impulse. This is one of the most hypnotic and beautifully detailed movies that I have seen in along time, from the gorgeous costuming to the dramatic city streetscapes, I just adored the flow and lush tone of this film. 
Set in 1962, two lonely neighbours form a strong bond when they realise that both of their spouses are being unfaithful. They vow to keep their relationship platonic, because they do not wish to perpetuate the disrespect that their spouses have shown them. 
A Chinese language film, made in Hong Kong and directed by Wong Kar-wai, In The Mood For Love in it's original Chinese title means "the age of blossoms" or "the flowery years" which is a Chinese metaphor for the fleeting time of youth, beauty and love, which should give you some idea about the romantic nature of this film. The movie premiered at the 2000 Cannes Film Festival and was nominated for the Palme d'Or, it has since gone to be regarded as one of the best romance movies to have ever been made. 
FINAL SAY: He remembers those vanished years.
4 Chili Peppers