The Universal Stupa of Great Compassion in Bendigo hosted its annual Festival of Peace and Light this weekend and we were fortunate enough to join the celebrations. Well, word has clearly gotten out about how terrific last years festival was because this time the event had grown substantially, both in participation numbers and the lineup of performers.
Last time we were among a mere 100 odd visitors that had our own seats to view a few international acts and some fireworks and this year the Stupa was swamped with thousands of people. There were over 40 various performances in the afternoon, at least a dozen vegetarian food vans (tofu to die for people), merchandise vendors and of course, the precious Jade Buddha which has returned to the Stupa and created a most auspicious and important reason for Buddhists to make the pilgrimage to Bendigo this weekend. 
Because the event has ballooned to epic proportions it was a lot more difficult to see everything and this time there was more than one stage operating with different attractions happening at one time, kind of like a Buddhist Big Day Out, which did mean that you didn't get to see every performance like we did last time. Also forget seating, there was nowhere to sit unless you wanted to perch on a rock (which I happily did) and if you are a short arse like me you often couldn't see the action that was going on even if you wanted to, but it was still so much fun and definitely worth the trip to Bendigo. 
Chinese lions, drumming, various international dancers, hoop twirlers, a puppet theatre, live music and instrumental performers, singers, acrobats, didgeridoo performances, Tibetan chanting and let's not forget the spectacular sound and light extravaganza that always makes me feel like I am five years old again as I ooh and ahh in amazement as the fireworks go zipping across the sky overhead. 
The food vans this year were super impressive as well, with a massive array of extremely tasty and also healthy vegan delights. I had a particularly good shawarma with beetroot  and hummus, but the curries, felafel, rotis and other Indian fried delights also looked delicious and I don't think that anyone was struggling to find something delicious to eat. Again, it was the line up that seemed to be the biggest obstacle, but as long as you kept your cool and stayed the course, you got fed. Like all festival events, you have to expect crowds and queues and you have to make your peace with it, after all it was the Festival of Peace and Light; you can't go around abusing people and being a dick at an event like that. 
I think that the Festival of Peace and Light showcases Victoria's broad Buddhist diversity and the communities genuine interest in other cultures and religious practises. I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be returning next year, and I really look forward to watching the festival grow and expand each year. Next time I will be more prepared for a more grand experience than I was this time and I cannot wait to see what the organisers are going to bring to fold in 2019, so exciting!  

Everyone knows that old chestnut, the old "once in a lifetime" saying. People use it when an opportunity arises that seems like it is almost too good to be true or when something freakishly awesome or dreadful occurs or when people find their 'one true love' just like Shrek found Fiona; but to be honest, I don't actually believe that things do only happen once in a lifetime. I think that sometimes opportunities (and luck) can knock a couple of times or more in one lifetime, maybe even several times if you are lucky enough. And as much as I want to advocate for the reality of a 'one true love' everyone already knows that I think that that theory is a total load of malarkey and that the concept of a soul mate is a manmade load of bullshit that has no place in the mind of any reasonable thinker. 
​Life sometimes gives you lemons and then sometimes it gives you milk and honey as well. I have had my fair share of lemons, but I also know what it feels like when I get a little milk and honey and it feels awesome. And it has happened to me more than once. In fact a lot of things in life that I have really enjoyed have happened to me more than once already and I would like to believe that I am only around half way through this life of mine, so the whole once in a lifetime theory doesn't really hold much water for me. 
I have heard of families that have won the lottery more than once and people that have been hit by lightning more than once and there have been many, many people that have fallen truly, madly and deeply in love on more than one occasion as well. And they are all meant to be once in a lifetime occurrences aren't they? Well they clearly are not once in a lifetime occurrences at all, they are occurrences that are in fact happening every damn day, all around the world, to hundreds of people. We are just programmed to think that extraordinary things don't happen all of time, but in reality they do - a lot! Very regularly in fact, and just about everyone that you meet will have at least one extraordinary story about some "once in a lifetime" thing that has happened to them at some point in their lives.
You see, you do not have to settle for the idea that only truly great things can happen to you once in a lifetime, because that is not true. That kind of thinking is toxic to meeting your full potential or living the life that you want. That kind of mindset is why people settle for less than what they are worth and stop hoping for more, because they think that they have already had their "once in a lifetime" opportunity. The word once implies something that is so fleeting, so short lived and definitely something that is never to be repeated, which is certainly not very encouraging now is it?
​Well I say - fuck that! Be open to wonderful and extraordinary things happening to you every damn day. Open yourself up to the idea that every day of your life is full of unlocked potential and wonderment and unexpected good fortune that is just around the next corner. See where that kind of thinking takes you. I think that from now on I am going to say that there are at least a billion opportunities in a lifetime, not just one, and that I am going to remain open to them all happening to me, as many time as I can get! Why stop at "once in a lifetime" when you can have so much more than that?

Every year around the end of Autumn and the beginning of Winter I suffer from a bit of mild depression. Not a throw myself from the nearest building kind of depression, more of a self doubting, self loathing and melancholic period that always seems to appear at the same time of the year. The darker, wetter and colder days seem to also bring with them an air of despair and uncertainty that leaves me feeling out of tune with everything and everyone. I can feel my resilience and tolerance faltering and my usually optimistic demeanor becomes somewhat surley and pessimistic. During these moments I have to fight the urge to run and hide under a blanket somewhere, far away from the world and all of it's noisy responsibilities and complications. 
It's a strange and unnamable feeling that makes me want to retreat, and stranger still is the fact that I am never really sure of what I am actually retreating from. Generally I am a bit over-emotional, super sensitive, easily angered and melodramatic at these times of the year, it's kind of like PMS on steroids and its not a lot of fun for me or the people around me. And what really gets to me about it all, is why? Why do I have these periods in my life and why are they so cyclic? 
Perhaps it is because of the crappy weather, maybe it's because of the stockpile of bills that come at this time of the year that need to be paid, maybe it's because I am just a little run down from being unwell and overwhelmed by the demands of my everyday routine, and then maybe it is actually just a combination of all of those things. Whatever the reason, I do know one thing for sure, it always and I mean always occurs around this time of the year.
Last year around this time I had a particularly difficult time with depression and I felt it more completely than I had in previous years. I had a total dark night of the soul and was actually really concerned about some of the thoughts that I was entertaining. I went to a really dark place and it lasted for way too long. I also had a massive and incredibly painful falling out with my siblings at this time last year, and they have all since become estranged to me, and maybe the hurt of that feels particularly raw at this time of the year and adds to my melancholy. However, I would be lying if I said that it was any one particular thing that made me feel the early winter blues so intensely. 
However, it is not all doom and gloom! By recognising this pattern of self doubt and inner turmoil, I have become a lot better at managing it. Through meditation and yoga practises I have learnt to curb my personal negativity and anxiety because I can now recognize what is happening a lot earlier on. I also know with great certainty that these melancholic moments are transient and fleeting and that I do not have to engage with them when they occur. I no longer need to feed and clothe my personal demons everytime that I get anxious or worried, I can just recognise them and then let them go quietly back into the night. I also recognise that everyone has times in their lives that are rife with anxiety and uncertainty and that I am not alone in my struggles and that it is all a normal part of any growth cycle to fall over every now and then. 
I can now bravely acknowledge that I do get blues from time to time, but it doesn't define who I am and that I don't have to let it take hold of me. Like a quiet passenger on the bus of life I can simply notice these feelings as I pass them by, waving farewell to them before they even get a chance to take hold of me. And that is big part of what surviving your own depression and dark thoughts is like really. You know that these times and thoughts are going to come around every now and again, but like negative people that are hard to have around, you just have to choose to not engage them.
Sometimes that requires a lot of strength, a lot more than you think that you can muster up, but essentially you can. You really can, in spite of whatever your head may be telling you, and just as winter arrives every year, so too does summer and the most powerful thing to remember to help you to get yourself out of a funk like this is that nothing ever lasts forever. It's all transient and it's all fleeting, and you don't have to stay in the moment any longer then you choose to, you can let go at any time, at any moment, just let it pass you by. 

When you work in a niche market, sell an exclusive product or deliver something that no-one else is really offering you become at risk of being too damn exclusive for your own good. In fact you can become a difficult, egotistical douchebag quite quickly if you are not being somewhat self aware and taking into account the needs and feelings of your clientele or target audience.
We have all seen it happen to professionals, especially entertainers. You find yourself enamoured by some new flavour of the month, you buy their album or go to see their latest film and you allow yourself to think that they are really cool because of their singing, acting or dancing. But then, you see them on television being interviewed or on some talk show like Graeme Norton and you think to yourself - what a fucking dickhead!
It totally taints the way that you saw them and you realise that all of that fame has totally gone to their heads and that they have succumbed to the "getting too exclusive" virus, and yep, now you actually really don't like them at all anymore. And it's not just because they're dickheads, it's also because they fooled you into thinking that they were someone else and you almost feel betrayed by that and you most definitely feel let down. 
Well, from my experience, you don't need to be rich or famous to be getting too exclusive for your own good. In fact I have found that if people or even organisations feel like they have the monopoly over something then they tend to take on air of exclusivity very bloody quickly indeed and it can leave people feeling alienated and on the outer rim. And I am speaking from some very recent personal experiences that I have encountered where I have felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall to get anywhere because I wasn't in the 'know' enough to be given the respect that I deserved. 
I'm not going to really get into it because these organisations are reputable and do have some terrific people working for them and I don't want to tar everyone with the same dirty brush here, but if you or your business, or your organisation starts to get so exclusive that you are alienating people and making them feel like shit, then you are getting way too exclusive for your own good.
There is a terrific quote by Malcolm S. Forbes that says: You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. 
Pretty good words to live by I reckon and certainly not a part of the mindset of the all too exclusive people of this world that's for sure!

Some people are so very beautiful on the outside and then they turn out to be just plain ugly on the inside. I always feel really let down by these people because very good looking people always have such a natural advantage over us regular folk and it seems like such a shameful waste to squander a decent leg up in the world like that, but alas it does happen. Outer beauty can be dreadfully deceptive and there have been many times in my life when I have been dazzled by a seemingly beautiful individual only to realise that their glossy exterior was actually rotten to the core after having only one good bite. 
Some people that are perceived by social standards to be somewhat unattractive on the outside can often turn out to be completely and irresistibly beautiful on the inside. These people have a different kind of beauty and it shines like a light from inside of them; they are usually a complete pleasure to be around and never seem to take things in life too seriously. These people know how to laugh at themselves and they get better and better looking everytime that you see them because their inner light is so infectious and glowingly irresistible. They are the sort of person that people just adore and say the nicest things about because they make others feel so at ease with their kind nature and generous deeds. 
There are some truly blessed people in the world that are both beautiful on the inside and the outside as well and they are not as rare as you might imagine, they really do exist and I have met quite a few of them in my lifetime. These people appear to have it all and because of that they can inadvertently make us mere mortals feel utterly inadequate, but it is just impossible to be envious or mad at these gorgeous people for very long because they are just so damn lovely! Everyone can sense the magic that these people have and we are all naturally drawn to them like moths to the flame. On the down side, these poor beautiful creatures are the most at risk of getting stalkers or having people hate them for no good reason because they are just plain jealous of them; so as much as having it all may seem amazing, it can actually be dreadfully treacherous for the real beauties of this world. 
And then there are the rarest and also the most unfortunate of all the people that you can ever meet in your lifetime, because they are the ones that are not really very good looking on the outside and completely revoltingly ugly on the inside. And yes, unfortunately they do exist and I have also had the displeasure of meeting some of them in my lifetime as well. These people often appear to be pretty regular looking on the outside and not necessarily hideous, but if you spend a couple of hours around them....then....errrr..... gross! They just get uglier by the second. They are so unpleasant that they actually get less and less attractive the longer that you are around them! These people are twisted and exceptionally mean; really, really mean. They are conniving and vindictive and will do anything to get ahead in life, regardless of who they damage along the way. They are foul and should be avoided at all costs, even if it means extracting them from your life altogether. 
​Yes, it cannot be denied, looks can be incredibly deceiving, and the outside appearance does not always dictate the true interior. But honestly, who hasn't been suckered into the lure of a pretty face before? We all have, however, as you get older and wiser you realise that what may appear to be gold can sometimes just be a bit of spray painted rock. And what looks just like an old rock can actually be a crystal delight on the inside. You know the old saying 'you can't polish a turd' well that is very true, but you can roll it in glitter! And that is the reason that I have never really liked things that look too glitzy on the outside and always judge people on what they say and do and not ever by the way that they look. 

Okay, okay, I have to eat my words about the Academy Awards never giving the Best Picture  Award to a fantasy movie, because The Shape of Water reigned supreme winning both Best Picture and Best Director for Guillermo del Toro at the 90th Academy Awards, which was just tremendous and completely unexpected from my perspective.
Frances McDormand took Best Actress in a Lead Role and Sam Rockwell Best Supporting Actor for Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri. Gary Oldman nabbed Best Lead Actor for Darkest Hour and Allison Janney won Best Supporting Actress for I, Tonya. Coco deservingly won Best Animated Feature Film as did Call Me By Your Name for Best Writing Adapted Screenplay, and it was great to see a horror represented in there as well this year with Get Out winning Best Original Screenplay for Jordan Peele.
Of course I stayed up until  11.30pm last Tuesday evening to watch the entire event on television, I wouldn't miss it! I wasn't in a glamorous gown, eating canopies with a glass of champagne in my hand as a work colleague suggested I might be. I was actually cosied up on the couch in my PJ's with a coffee  and a biscuit in my hand, but I didn't miss any of the action! I also watched The Golden Globes and the BAFTAs as well in similar fashion this year. For me, it is so good to see the movies and actors that I have enjoyed on the big screen getting some well deserved notoriety, it kind of galvanises my opinions about quality cinema and I just love the glitz and glamour of a Hollywood awards ceremony. 
It was also my birthday last week. I have now had my fourth round of eleventh birthdays, and was very spoilt by those nearest and dearest to me. It all kicked off on Friday when my new work colleagues gave me an unexpected and very thoughtful gift, then in the evening I was invited out to a friend's house for a delicious home cooked dinner with a group of friends. We enjoyed many laughs and libations alongside of a amazing roasted lamb and the most delicious roasted chicken that I have ever had, topped off with a scrumptious lemon tart for dessert. 
My actual birthday, which was Saturday, started off with an incredible brunch at Enfield thanks to Helen, who happily provided the most amazing spread of French pastries, breads and juices for an epic morning feast. Zoe joined us in the afternoon and we all went out for dinner to a swanky new Thai restaurant in Ballarat, and then on to see a live performance of Jesus Christ Superstar. Wow! There are some incredibly talented people in Ballarat; what an incredible show! And the music! Now I understand the appeal of a live rock opera, what an amazing effort and what a terrific night out for my birthday.
Came home afterwards and stayed up until 3am listening to music, singing loudly and drinking way too many celebratory drinks. A pretty great end to an exceptionally lovely day I think. I was absolutely showered with amazingly thoughtful gifts from friends and family, received heaps of kind text messages and just felt really loved and appreciated by those that I care about, and who could ask for anything more or better than that on their birthday? What a perfect week of celebrations I have enjoyed and how lucky I am!

It's that time again, the time for me to unleash my viewing loves and loathes for the year of 2017. In total, I watched 279 movies and 62 TV series in 2017, so yeah, it is fair to say that I have a robust addiction to entertainment and that I have a fairly good idea of what is out there.
My biggest undertaking for the year was a rewatch of the entire Lost Series, 121 episodes in total, and although it took me the better part of the entire year to get through, it was worth the effort. Next to the Twin Peaks Reboot, Lost was the next biggest mind fuck of the year for me.
I must say that the bar raises every single year for me because movies and TV are constantly improving in quality and there is a never ending stream of excellent viewing to be had. That makes it a lot harder for me to discern the best,  but also a lot more enjoyable in the long run.
However, without further ado, here are my picks for the best and worst of 2017, my full reviews of these movies can be found on their corresponding genre lists. 
BEST MOVIES OF 2017:

• IT  - Horror  4.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Ghost Story - Art House 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Mother! - Challenging 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Blade Runner 2049 - Science Fiction 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Baby Driver - Action 4 Chilli Peppers
• Dunkirk - War 4 Chilli Peppers
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 - Fantasy 4 Chilli Peppers
• Logan - Super 4 Chilli Peppers
• Get Out - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Dark Song - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• T2 - Trainspotting - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• Logan Lucky - Action/Comedy 3.5 Chilli Peppers

BEST CATCH UP MOVIES OF 2017: (Movies released before 2017 that I finally saw in 2017)

• La Grande Bellezza (The Great Beauty) - Foreign 5 Chilli Peppers (Hall of Fame)
• Manchester by the Sea - Drama 5 Chilli Peppers (Hall of Fame)
• Moonlight - Drama 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Arrival - Science Fiction 4.5  Chilli Peppers
• Nocturnal Animals  -Drama 4.5  Chilli Peppers
• Hidden Figures - Drama 4  Chilli Peppers
• Moana - Kid Friendly 4  Chilli Peppers
• The Edge of Seventeen -Comedy 4 Chilli Peppers
• The Conjuring 2 - Horror 4 Chilli Peppers
• Captain Fantastic - Drama 4 Chilli Peppers
• Samson and Delilah - Gritty 4 Chilli Peppers
• The House of the Devil - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Mermaid - Foreign/ Fantasy 3.5 Chilli Peppers

WORST MOVIES OF 2017:

• Kong: Skull Island - Fantasy 2 Chilli Peppers
• The Great Wall - Action/ Fantasy 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Ghost in the Shell - Science Fiction 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Cure for Wellness - Horror 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Loving - Drama 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Valerian and the City of a 1,000 Planets - Science Fiction 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Baywatch - Comedy 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Yoga Hosers  -Comedy 1 Chilli Pepper
• The Bye Bye Man  - Horror 0 Chilli Peppers
• The Greasy Strangler - Art House 0 Chilli Peppers

BEST TV SERIES 2017:

• Big Little Lies - Drama 5 Chilli Peppers
• The Handmaid's Tale - Drama/ Fantasy 5 Chilli Peppers
• American Gods - Horror/ Fantasy 5 Chilli Peppers
• Atlanta - Drama 4.5 Chilli Peppers 
• Godless - Western 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Game of Thrones S7  - Fantasy 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Stranger Things S2 - Science Fiction 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Twin Peaks Reboot - Art House 4 Chilli Peppers 
• Mozart in the Jungle - Drama 4 Chili Peppers 
• Alias Grace - Historical Drama 4 Chilli Peppers 
• AHS - Cult - Horror 4 Chilli Peppers
• Peaky Blinders S4 - Historical Drama 4 Chilli Peppers
• Better Things - Comedy 4 Chilli Peppers
• A-Typical - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• Girls - Final Season - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Sinner - Mystery/Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers

As far as bad TV series go, well I was so busy watching really high quality TV that I managed to miss all of the shit this year, so I'm not even putting in a category for that. To be honest, I think that this year may have been one of the best of years for quality TV that I have ever known, which fills me with a lot of hope for 2018. 
Hopefully you will find something on my lists that you haven't seen yet and will now go and see on my recommendation. Also, you now know what to avoid like the plague if you should have the misfortune of coming across it.
I hope that the holiday period is being kind to you all, happy viewing!

IT
Release Date: 2017
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 135 mins 
A supernatural horror directed by Andy Muschietti and based on the highly successful 1986 novel of the same name by Stephen King. Clearly audiences are thirsting for excellent retro horror tales because IT swiftly became the highest grossing horror film of all time and the third highest grossing R rated movie of all time. 
It's 1988 in a small American town called Derry and something insidious is lurking in the sewers; an ancient evil that feeds on the fears of children and presents itself as a clown called Pennywise. Seemingly invisible to adults, Pennywise starts to abduct the children of Derry, and turns its sights on a tight group of friends called The Losers Club. 
With all of the terrific friendship dynamics  and comradery of The Goonies, Stranger Things and Stand By Me  and all of the creepiness of a James Wan horror, IT has a formula that works on so many levels. Not only is there a creepy as all shit clown torturing the children, but all of the adults in Derry seem to be rather unpleasant as well which adds another layer of turmoil to this already emotionally affecting tale. 
IT is most definitely the best horror movie to come out of 2017. The acting is on point, with Bill Skarsgard delivering one of the most memorably disturbing horror characters of all time in Pennywise. He is however exceptionally well supported by a young and fresh faced cast who are all bringing their A game here as well, with notable performances being delivered by Finn Wolfhard, Sophia Lillis, Nicholas Hamilton and Jeremy Ray Taylor.
The visuals are certainly dark, dreadful and nightmarish; but the coming of age story that is playing in the background is not at all drowned out by the grim effects, which was really pleasing to see. IT is a true horror gem and a must see movie for fans of quality horror.
FINAL SAY: We all float down here. 
4.5 Chilli Peppers ​

Do you ever think about your purpose here on the planet? I know that I do, probably more than I should if the truth be told. And I have started to wonder if perhaps we really don't have an actual 'purpose' in this life, maybe life is just all about the fact that we even 'are' more than what we are doing with our time. I mean apart from a handful of famous people, the vast majority of us can only ever hope to leave a lasting impression or a change to our immediate environment and the people that we have in our lives; and maybe that is more than enough. Perhaps just leaving behind good memories for others to recall about us is actually the whole point to all of this, and maybe life is not any more complicated than that, perhaps we just make it so with our constant need to strive for more. 
When I eventually leave the planet I know that I will leave behind my passion for cinema through spicywatch.com, my numerous journals outlining my life experiences, my poetry and artwork, but most importantly I also hope that I will leave behind good memories of me for people to think back on. I would like to leave with grace and have no regrets when I go, and I would like to think that my children and my grandchildren felt as though they had a chance to get to know me properly and that I had managed to pass along some life wisdom to them that they would in turn pass along to other generations. 
I have no desire to leave behind wealth, I would rather leave a legacy of love behind than any sort of material legacy. However, the thought of leaving behind a debt for my loved ones is not something that I would want to burden anyone with either. Hopefully, in some ways I will leave a clean slate, but also some good seeds which will grow at some other time in the future.
I am not intending to be morbid in this thinking, and I apologise if I have come off that way.  I genuinely have no desire to die anytime soon, so please don't misunderstand me. I think that it is important to take stock of what your legacy will be after you depart, because even if you live to be 100, time is fleeting.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that what you do with your time is not nearly as important as why you do it and who you spend it with. No one will remember you for the car you drove, or the house you lived in, or how far you travelled around the world; they will only remember you for the way that you made them feel. So, I suppose that all that anyone could ever really want to leave behind when they go is a good feeling in the people's hearts that are left behind. And maybe that is the whole purpose of life, the whole kitnkaboodle in one simple sentence - you want to leave behind a good feeling, and I think that that is something pretty damn grand to aim for. 

I have been meditating daily on this awesome app called Headspace. It's free, user friendly and above all else, it is intensely enjoyable. Yes, that's right, it is enjoyable and I'm not kidding! Sitting crossed legged and zoning out for a few minutes every day has actually been really lovely; and unlike positive visualisation (which you all know I love, but is essentially meditation with a purpose) the variety of meditation on Headspace encourages you to 'zone out' rather than 'check in.' It's kind of like a daily mind rinse that clears out all of the bugs and glitches in your head; and it only takes five minutes a day if that is all that you can spare. 
​Seth and I are officially addicted to it. Headspace has become a part of our daily ritual and we have found the act of meditation very calming and exceptionally useful. I personally have been using the zen practises of Headspace a lot this week, as I have now moved onto the second (and most terrifying) stage of my job interview process. Turns out that last week's engagement was merely stage one, which thankfully I passed, next Wednesday is stage two. We are officially down to me and one other candidate for the position. This information is both terrific and also intensely nerve wracking, as I am now a mixture of joyful hope and paralysing and crippling anticipation all at once.
As it gets closer to the pointy end it is both exciting and utterly nauseating, and clearly what my potential employer is looking for at this stage is to be dazzled. No pressure, just be dazzling on the day, easy right? Without a doubt, I am going to require some zen like meditation and preparation so that I don't rock up on the day resembling a plate of jelly. 
Well meaning friends have offered support by saying things like, just be yourself and they'll love you. Ahh, yeah, well, there is a big difference between me in my comfort zone and me in a space that is well outside of my comfort zone; and that can be the difference between lovable and should we call you an ambulance? So, uhhh.....yeah, let's just keep on trucking with the Headspace app and the positive visualisations and let's just see how we go shall we? 
For it is the fear of the unknown and unknowable that makes these moments so poignant, so challenging and so very gripping. All that you can do is attempt to put your best foot forward on the day and hope that it will be enough, and the rest is in the hands of the gods, and I will need to make my peace with that, however it plays out. 

Another rainy spring day saw us all housebound which provided the perfect setting for a day of art exploration. Paints, brushes, pencils and sketchbooks resurfaced as we all indulged in some much needed art therapy time. As the rain gently fell for the better part of the afternoon, we focused our energies on being creative. We all like to dabble in art activities around here and I will never knock back the opportunity to add some colour to my journal. I must admit, I do love the feel of a paintbrush and I always get a rush from the act of painting. 
I would have loved to have been a professional artist, but I was never talented enough to make a living out of it and I certainly never had the guts that it takes to be an artist. I have always admired people that have pursued careers as artists because in general it is a very underrated profession.
Australia in particular has pretty limited support for budding artists and artistic pursuits; especially when you compare us to the European countries who hold their artists in such high regard and provide lots of opportunities for artists to be recognised and financially supported. I think that a lot of Australians actually believe that artists are rather lazy eccentrics, which is of course, completely inaccurate. Most artists in Australia are completely unrecognised and have to support themselves with one or two part time jobs to support their artistic ventures.
It is a tough life for an artist; they are really not at all like the moody, insanely passionate and over-indulged characters that they are portrayed to be by the media. Most of the artists that I have met are actually quite unassuming, hard working, private people that are just trying to get ahead doing what they love. They don't drive flashy cars or walk around sipping champagne at galleries talking about themselves every night of the week; they are just regular people like the rest of us, they're just more creative. 
You do not have to be eccentric or weird to be creative either, that is another crapola stereotype of an artist. Being creative does not automatically place you into another subculture, it just makes you creative, that is it, more creative, not more of anything else....nothing to see here people...move along. Poor artists, they really do get portrayed in the most stereotypical of ways. We try to pigeonhole them, but essentially we know that artists cannot be pigeonholed any more than any other profession can be. I honestly think that it is high time that we actually showed artists a lot more respect and support, after all, imagine how crappy the world would be without them, what a horror show!
Thank God for you all,  I say to artists everywhere, thank god there are still some of you out there brave enough to be creative and take on an underappreciated and underpaid profession, go you good things, keep on creating and living your dreams. I wish I had your balls!

Rejoice! The spring school holidays have commenced, and not a moment too soon. There were many staff and students limping across the finish line on those final days of term that's for sure. After a term of inclement weather and widespread illness, the break really could not have arrived a moment sooner. At this point, I believe that everyone appears to need a cleansing rest period to reset their thinking and also their physical wellbeing and to really shake off the Winter blues. 
Unlike other holiday breaks where I have barely left myself with a minute to think, I have purposely given myself a really lazy and mostly free two week window to rest at home and totally recharge my batteries. It certainly appears that we are in for another massive and jam packed final term, so a recharge is imperative. However, I am remaining completely optimistic, because aside of the possible future challenges, term four also comes with loads of other terrific benefits that you don't get in the first three terms of the year; like Summer, graduation and all of the celebration and anticipation that arrives with the countdown to the silly season. 
So, this spring break I am planning to use my free time for self restoration, which will no doubt involve some extra long lunches, TV binges and sleep ins, as it should. Time to paint something, make something, draw something, read something and grow something - and that is my aim for the next two weeks.
And it is not selfish or overindulgent to take time out for yourself, it is wise and self preserving, and a lot of the time absolutely necessary for wellbeing. So I feel no guilt whatsoever when I say that  I am going to what I want to do, when I want to do it and I am not going to feel obliged to do anything over the next two weeks that doesn't interest me or that feels anything like work. My obligation switch has been flipped to the off position and I have no intentions of flipping it back on for the next forteen days. 

If you haven't already read the book Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy, you really should. It is a terrific book that discusses the conflict between the woman's movement and the sexual revolution, which has generally made women extremely confused and often diminutive towards men as a consequence. 
By definition a 'female chauvinist' is any woman who patronises, disparages or otherwise denigrates males in the belief that they are inferior to females, and thus deserving of less than equal treatment or benefit. And there are a lot of women out there that are actually female chauvinists and they have no idea that they are; they actually think that they are just feminists, but that could not be further from the truth. 
It is important to remember that to be 'pro-women' does not mean that you also need to be 'anti-men', and I think that that is a huge and often common mis-conception about feminism. Feminists DO NOT hate men, they hate male chauvinists, and not all men are chauvinists. Feminists want equal rights and equal pay, they do not want to destroy all men, that has never actually been a part of their true agenda, and anyone that says that they are a feminist and that they also hate all men is pretty suspect if you ask me. 
A female chauvinist pig has no qualms about pointing out supposed weaknesses in men. They make bold and sweeping statements about male 'inadequacies' which really piss me off to be honest, and it is not just because I married a man or that I have also brought one into the world, it is because I really like men and I value them just as much as I value women. I do not see men or women as superior, I think that both sexes are of equal merit and value and I would prefer to see neither a patriarchal or matriarchal society in our future, but rather a fraternity where every sex is equal and the oppression of any gender is seriously frowned upon. 
We have sadly not even gotten close to that perfect ideal, because instead we currently have a culture of very confused women and men that really don't know how to treat each other at all. Women are encouraged by females in the media to be sexual and alluring to men, and then they get slut shamed by other women and treated like whores by men when they follow that message. And men are encouraged to harden up and grow a pair of balls and then they get slammed or being emotionally insensitive and unsympathetic by their own wives and mothers and can end up on the wrong side of the law when their balls get too big for their own good. 
We are really getting it wrong somewhere along the line here aren't we? And in my mind, the bottom line should really be this, that no chauvinist, be it male or female should ever be tolerated in our society for any reason. We should not excuse the intolerant comments or denigration of any sex at any moment, and we should all be fighting for the rights of each other at all times, regardless of our sex.  And then hopefully, in the future, there will be no need to fight for anyone's rights or equalities any more, because it will be just be the state of things....and what a wonderful world that would be. 

THE BEGUILED
Release Date: 2017
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 94 mins 
Sofia Coppola delivers the ultimate American Southern gothic with her adaptation of the novel of the same name by Thomas P. Cullinan. Originally made in 1971 by director Don Siegel, Coppola offers a more restrained and beautifully realised interpretation that will either hypnotise or frustrate viewers with it's incredibly slow burning tensions.
During the American Civil War, a young girl happens across John McBurney, a wounded corporal in the Union Army. The girl brings the soldier back to the Farnsworth homestead that is currently inhabited only by women and girls. The corporal quickly becomes an object of great interest and affection amongst the women, which in turn leads to great turmoil within the family home.
The acting here is just terrific with perfectly delivered performances from Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst, Colin Farrell and Elle Fanning. Like all of Sofia Coppola's films, there is a lushness and beauty to this film that makes it seem completely ethereal and otherworldly, even though the things that are happening are quite everyday and the characters are at times mundane. Overall, I thought it was a fascinating character study and an enjoyable slice of melodramatic cinema. 
FINAL SAY: We can show 'em some really Southern hospitality. 
3 Chilli Peppers ​

We have all been asked the question 'if you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?' And this questions always gets people chattering, because there is a lot of difference between choosing the animal that you would like to be, and choosing the animal that you are really most like.  
Who doesn't want to be a majestic eagle, or a graceful dolphin or a fiercely proud lion? We all do, and if I was going to choose a animal that I would most like to be, it would without a doubt be a cat. Some lovely looking, domestic, pampered puss that gets to sleep on a bed all day, eats exceptionally well and gets patted all the time. Much like my own cat, only not as old because she is ancient now. However, if I was keeping it real, I would most certainly not be a cat. Cats are lithe, fast, graceful and clever; so no, I could never pull off a convincing cat, Garfield perhaps, but not really any other sort of cat.  
If I was keeping it real, I would have to say that I could probably manage a kookaburra, due to the loudness of my laugh and the fact that they are usually just seen hanging around not doing a great deal except cracking up and eating the odd meaty morsel, and they are early risers like me as well. Not really sure about being an air animal though, I am not a huge fan of heights and I am definitely a land lubber, so perhaps not a kookaburra after all. 
So, in the hope of finding some clarity, I went online and took some tests on the topic, and here is what I found out​.
Spiritanimal.info said I was a lion, a relentless fighter with courage and strength, often wild and difficult to control.
Brainfall.com said I was a whale (thanks brainfall.com!) because I have a strong inner voice and I am in touch with reality.
Playbuzz.com said I was a buffalo because I am strong, reliable and tenacious.
Whatismyspiritanimal.com said that I am a bee because I can co-exist in peace and create abundance. 
Spirithood.com said that I am a wolf because I am social, loyal and highly intelligent. 
So....after all that I really don't have any idea what my spirit animal actually is and I am not any closer to finding out because there was no overlapping animal there at all.
However, as I predicted, not a bird in sight so I am probably not a kookaburra! Perhaps I am just a combination of all of those things at different times, maybe as humans we cannot identify as one animal anyway because our lifestyles allow us to be so changeable. I know that on some days I certainly feel more like a whale than a lion that's for sure! 

Just because you can't see something or prove something, that doesn't make it untrue. Thousands of people have devoted their lives to a God that no-one can really prove is real, but can we safely say then that God is not real or true? And how many people have seen ghosts or had unexplainable occurrences happen in their lifetimes? Again thousands, but can we prove any of it to be true? No we cannot. However, if we cannot prove something to be true, then we also cannot prove something to be untrue, and therein lies the most wonderful thing of all, possibility!
​Possibility has intrigued and infuriated minds since man first had the brains to consider it. It has given room for people to ponder and believe in so many different things, things that some of us completely dismiss, and things that some of us wholeheartedly embrace. Gods, aliens, supernatural beings and abilities, angels and even things like Bigfoot; these are some people's truths, some people's belief systems and the things that keeps some people going. Who am I to deny anyone of the right to their own beliefs? Who am I to decide or to dictate what is real and what is fiction when I have no proof for or against any of these matters? 
Just because you cannot hold it in your hands or see it with your eyes or smell it or taste it, that does not mean that it is not real. If that were true, then what could be said of love? Or hate? Or any of the other complex emotions that we all know to be true and massive in variation from person to person? We all understand and accept these complexities of life as true because they affect us individually, but what if you had never actually experienced love for yourself? Would that then give you the right to deny another of the truth of what they feel when they claim to have felt love? Of course it doesn't. 
It matters not what others believe in or put their stock into, for them it is the truth and that is evidence enough for me. I do not have to become a believer in anything to be able to allow others to believe, do I? Aristotle once said "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."  And this is so very true, just because it is not your truth, that doesn't make it untrue for someone else, and it certainly doesn't make it yours to pull apart. Everyone has a right to feel what they feel and to believe in whatever they wish to believe in, and as long it's not harming anyone or anything, then I say all power to you. 
And is it really that important that everything in life be proven to be true anyway? Are we really that hung on the truth as humans? Generally I think that we are not, and taking away some else's truth or trying to prove a point or weaken someone's belief system is never going to make anyone a better person in the long run anyway. Live and let live, believe in what makes you happy and don't feel the need to prove your beliefs to others. Don't listen to anyone that tries to devalue your beliefs; and remember that only the weak and the insecure ever seek to disprove the beliefs of others. Take comfort in the knowledge that if cannot be proven, then it cannot be disproven either, and that is a very powerful awareness to have. 

Made six dozen cupcakes for a work colleague's birthday this week. Four dozen that were edible and two dozen that ended up in the bin. Don't mix up the olive oil with the vegetable oil when making cupcakes, blahh, totally disgusting, the smell of them was enough for me to bin them! Anyway, after redeeming myself with 48 successes, the house smelt of vanilla for a couple of days and apparently they tasted good because the feedback was positive, so it all turned out okay in the end. 
I am not really a very good baker. I have made some bloody horrid cakes in my time, some really filthy bad ones, the type of shitty cakes that even dogs won't eat. I made a chocolate cake once that so bad even little kids (that claimed to love chocolate when I was cutting it) wouldn't eat it! How woefully bad! Also, since I am gluten free, it is very much in my favour to avoid creating any type of tempting pastry or refined flour based products that may lay around the house for days on end, gently calling out my name in the wee hours, coaxing me with their doughy goodness. It's tough to resist, it is better if I just avoid baking on all fronts really.
I must admit that I have gotten better at baking as the years have gone by, and when the occasion calls for it, I can pump out a reasonably respectable cake, but I never really know what they taste like since I don't eat them myself and that just never really feels right. It kind of feels like being dishonest. What kind of a chef doesn't taste their own food? I'll tell you what kind, a shitty one. If you never actually eat any of the stuff that you bake, you probably aren't that a good a baker, well that's what I tell myself anyway. 
I'm not a bad cook though. I have a pretty good repertoire of recipes that I can make well and that I know taste delicious, because I have tried them myself. I also really like the whole 'eye work' dash of this, dash of that, type of a thing that cooking allows for; where nothing has to be exact. Baking on the other hand is a science and science is an exact thing, and I am not known for my exact-ness. More for my round-about, kinda, near enough, something like that-ness; so cooking suits me a lot more than baking. 
Perhaps I will have more patience for the science of baking as I get older, but for now I am just happy to watch the Great Aussie/ British Bake Off and admire the professionals doing their thing. I certainly don't feel the need to make another 72 cupcakes again in a hurry that's for sure! 

After the recent viewing of Okja on Netflix, Zoe has decided to become a  vegetarian. Kudos to her I say, going without meat is tough going, I should know, I was a vegetarian for four years and almost died of anemia in the process! That was way back when I was teenager and I really didn't undertake my vegetarianism very wisely or with any proper education about how to care for my own health; hence I got sick all of the time, weighed a mere 48 kilos and had dangerously low levels of iron in my system. Fair to say that I sucked at being a vegetarian, but I understand that it can be done safely and correctly, so I have no problem with supporting her decision, if anything I totally understand it.
"If I can cry over some computer generated hybrid being slaughtered for meat then I cannot eat animals and not feel guilty about it any longer" she said to me. For anyone that hasn't seen Okja yet, it really does drive home the brutality of the meat industry albeit in a 'Studio Ghibli' fashion. Seth walked out of the room exclaiming that the film was too fucked up for him to endure as well.  Parents beware, the M rating on this film may be a little light handed given the impact that this film had my kids, so keep the wee ones away from it. Did I enjoy the film? Honestly, not really, it's not a terrific movie, there are a lot of problems with it, but it is certainly having an impact on people and making them rethink their meat intake, so for that reason it is very effective. 
It is probably high time that people did take more consideration into what they are eating, how it sourced and what kind of an impact it is having on the environment in general. The human race does eat way too much meat, and a lot of that meat isn't slaughtered ethically or humanely and it is something that we all completely disregard when we are selecting our meat products at the supermarket or butchers. 
Bottom line is that an animal has had to die for you to eat that roast chicken, steak, burger, sausage, pork crackling....whatever meat that you enjoy, and that should be taken into consideration. If you had to kill the animal for yourself, would you eat as much meat as you do now?  I know for a fact that I wouldn't. I also think that if you are willing to chow down on the delicious bits of the animal, then you should be willing to also eat the offal and the trotters and the tongue and all of the other bits that people shout out 'gross' and push back. All parts of an animal should be used, well as much as is safe to consume and use anyway.
Think about our ancestors, they would've eaten every part of their butchered animals, used the skins for clothing, the bones and teeth for jewellery and the guts for broth. Nothing would have been wasted. If we were still responsible for our own meat butchering, we would still continue to do that, because we would have hand-raised the meat and cared for it and understood just how precious it was. Today we waste a lot of the animal, we only want the best cuts of meat and refuse the rest. It gets tossed out or put into dog food as the industry happily slays another animal for us to pick only the prime cuts from. We have lost touch with our food, we have no idea about the animals we eat. What are their lives like from birth? What are they fed on? How are they slaughtered? What happens to the leftover bits that no-one wants? 
All worthy questions, and questions that we should be asking ourselves. Probably the most important question of all is, are you a mindful eater? Not just in regards to the meat that you consume, but all of the food that you eat. You don't have to be a vegetarian to be mindful about your food intake and to consider whether you are being sustainable in the way in which you eat and source your produce. It is something that we all need to do. The more questions that we ask now, the better that the world will be tomorrow. If we all start to question things just a little bit more, it would make a huge difference and will bring us back in touch with the food that we eat. Next time that you pick up your fork, spare a thought for how that food actually got your plate and learn to respect what you eat. Eat mindfully for a better world.

Sometimes we all need to take a good hard look at ourselves. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually; and we need to be really honest about what we see when we do that. Questions that none of us really like to address about ourselves arise when we do this, and they are usually the best guides to initiating positive change and movement when we find ourselves in those tricky 'stuck' moments of our lives. 
I have been feeling 'stuck' a lot this year. More 'stuck' than I have been in other years. And by stuck I mean treading over the same old ground and allowing myself to fall into a negative mindset about myself. Suddenly incidental and fleeting things seem like big things, my life feels meaningless, I overthink everything and I start to sap all of the joy out of my own life. That's right, I sap all of the joy out, no-one else does it, it's me that does all of the over-thinking, no-one else. Which is super stupid and mostly annoying because I cannot blame anyone else for it either. This is a self made condition, a state of mind that is mine and mine alone. 
The thing that bothers me the most about this, is that I cannot pinpoint exactly what it was that made me feel this way. In truth I don't think that it was just one thing that got the ball rolling for me, but more a series of little things over a period of time that built up like twigs on a pile and before I knew it, I had a dam across my river and I wasn't  going with the flow anymore.
In short, I am stuck, stagnated and full of self doubt. I have done this many times before, but never for as long and I have never felt quite so stuck as I do now. I know that when I do get like this for too long it is anything but positive, and the only way to get out of it is to have a complete reboot of the system; a cleansing of the river, if you will. 
So that is where I am now, realising that I am stuck and thinking about the best way to remove my dam and re-establish my flow, for want of a better word. Probably need to set myself some new goals, reassess my life choices and prioritise what is important and what is not. It has been a really big year for me, because a lot of things have changed around me, and I haven't been going with the flow of change, I have been fighting against the current like a salmon desperately swimming upstream. This is always the worst thing to do when change arrives, but it is my nature to resist change, so naturally like the salmon, I go to my default menu and select the 'go the other way' button. Clearly unwise, but what can I say, I am a creature of habit and I do stupid things sometimes. 
Recognising that I am stuck is always the first step to becoming unstuck, but it's not like a light switch that I can just flick off and boom, all is good and right in the world again. And for some reason, every time that I get stuck, I get stuck for longer and much deeper as well; it's like all of the other times don't really go away, they just lie there dormant until the next time I get stuck and then rise up again to add some more fuel to the fire. 
Wow, that really sounds crazy doesn't it? But I know that it is not crazy, because everyone gets stuck from time to time in their lives, and it is okay to admit that you are from time to time also. Nobody wants to admit that they have got their crazy thinking engaged, locked and loaded, but it is totally okay to admit it. One thing that I have learnt from being stuck as many times as I have been is that it is not crazy, and it is okay to feel out of balance, out of the rhythm of life and stuck. Pretending that you are not stuck is so damn hard and generally it is also really abusive to the self as well because if people don't realise that you are feeling like that (and most people have no idea unless you actually have a full blown nervous breakdown) then they just keep adding sticks to your dam without meaning to and then suddenly you are more stuck than ever.  
I am just really stuck at the moment, but I am aware, as I always am, that it too will pass, just like all of my other moments of self doubt and insecurity, they are transient. It's just time to reboot, restock and re-align myself, which is exactly what I am going to do. 

When you are as cinema obsessed as I am, you tend to not only be interested in your own viewing pleasures, but also in the pleasures of other people's viewings. I find myself regularly engaging in conversations with people about what they have seen lately and what they have enjoyed. I am always on the lookout for something good to watch, so I genuinely like it when people offer me their recommendations.
Do I always concur with their choices? No! Of course not! And I know for a fact that they don't always agree with mine either. To be fair, I have already seen around 150 films this year and only 40 of them rated 3 Chili Peppers or higher and landed on my blog, so it could be said that a lot of what I see, I don't actually like that much. 
Is that because I am a tough critic? I don't really think that I am, I just think that there are a lot of really lousy movies and TV programs out there to wade through to get to the really good stuff. Aren't ya lucky that you've got me to do all the dirty work for you? 
Obviously, you can click on any genre list on Spicywatch.com to get a look at my latest movie recommendations, but TV is a different story. I don't have a TV tab, so I do feel that it is my duty to keep you all updated on the good stuff that I have been watching on the small screen from time to time. 
My top picks for 2017 small screen (so far) are:
Atlanta (SBS)
Big Little Lies (Foxtel) 
Twin Peaks (Stan) 
Feud: Bette and Joan (Foxtel) 
The Strange Calls (Stan)
Pramface (Stan) 
Getting On (Netflix) 
The Night Manager (SBS) 
Uncle (Stan)
​Vikings (SBS) 
Angie Tribeca (Stan) 
Workaholics (Foxtel and Stan) 
Sherlock (Stan) 
​Better Call Saul (Stan) 
No activity (Stan) 
Girls - Final Season (Foxtel) 
Orange is the New Black (Netflix and Foxtel)
Santa Clarita Diet (Netflix)
Please note: many of these programs are not in their first season, but many can be viewed from their first season on most platforms if you do need a catch up.
Hard to believe that I can fit so many TV shows in when I watch as many movies as I do, but hey, where there's a will, there's a way!  And mostly that will is a lot of late nights.

Spicywatch.com had it's 3rd birthday celebration last night. With almost 650 movie reviews and over 300 blog entries, my guilty couchsurfing pleasures are slowly turning into an almanac of 'what to watch before you die.' To commemorate the evening, a terrific group of individuals gathered together, in spite of the bitterly cold evening, to share their favourite movie montages. There is really nothing better than a good movie montage, and we had some rippers in the mix to enjoy. 
Comedy classics like Zoolander, Easy A, School of Rock and of course the brilliantly hilarious "gonna need a montage" montage from Team America made the cut. As did Donnie Darko, The Watchmen, American Beauty, Marie Antoinette, Dirty Dancing, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Moonrise Kingdom, Rocky and the extremely sad montage from Pixar's Up, which was actually chosen by four people as their favourite movie montage. I even managed to toss in a little horror with the boredom montage from Dawn of the Dead. Overall it was a great celebration of all great montages and spectacular cinema, which was a very fitting way to salute spicywatch's third year of existence. 
​Again, I cannot thank my readers enough for their continued readership and willingness to repeatedly click on and happily read the rantings of a mad woman from time to time. I hope that over the last three years I have managed to assist you with finding enjoyable new movies to experience though my own cinematic endeavours and I do hope that you will continue to visit spicywatch.com for your viewing needs for many days to come. 
A million thanks to my wonderful friends and family for supporting me with my blog through their continued reading efforts, their regular comments on my  blog posts and for helping me to celebrate my small and yet deeply meaningful spicywatch events with good humour and loads of light hearted fun. May the years ahead be paved in many more shared cinematic experiences and many more laughs as I forge ahead with my web page in an aim to get to 1001 reviews (and possibly beyond?)  in the (hopefully) not too distant future.
And finally to all spicywatch supporters, whoever you are and wherever you may be, I thank you and I adore you. Like me, you obviously love movies and that puts us on the same page from the get go. Anyone that is watching great cinema and wants to talk about it, is a friend of mine! Please keep on watching; and from the bottom of my heart, thank you all for validating spicywatch.com and supporting me as well as you do, it really means the world to me xxxxx.

Well into the second week of first Term and I have pretty much worked out what my main challenges are going to be from here on in. My biggest and most major hurdle is definitely going to be stifling the control freak within me and not overthinking every fricken thing. Sounds simple enough, but it is so hard for a freak like me. 
After five weeks of pretty much total withdrawal from society, zening around doing yoga and feeling like bloody guru swarmee, I am finding that my ability to re-adjust and compensate for so many other people's needs has dropped; substantially I might add. Boo to me, it's so difficult to be zen around so many children, but I am trying really hard. The introvert in me is going bonkers!
I am also sure that I am driving the teachers that I work with absolutely nuts as well because I am asking so many questions and seeking so much clarity. Go with the flow I am not, and it has made me a bit shitty with myself for not just stepping back and being a bit more chilled out. Even though my efforts to be organized do come from the right place, I am even starting to annoy myself with all the bullshit.
​It's just so weird to go from virtually no activity to pretty much zero down time and an overabundance of input, the contrast always screws with me for the first few weeks until I can level out again. I feel like I want to hightail it and run back to my zen cave of withdrawal, but I have already made the choice to stop running away from things, so running away is not an option, and besides, I need my job! I'm gonna have to find a way to suck it up, keep calm and carry on - and leave my own anxieties and pedantic bullshit at the door on the way in. 
Think I may need some help from Mr Jamiesons this weekend, a little Irish courage should serve me well. 

I have just finished watching all of the original episodes of Twin Peaks, which was quite an undertaking at 30 episodes in total. It is easily the best art-house TV series that I have ever watched, and I must admit that I was basically obsessed with it by the time I got to the end. I initially felt compelled to watch the series when I learned about the reboot that is going to happen in May this year. Twin Peaks- 25 years on, the anticipation is killing me! I can hardly wait to see where David Lynch will go with it. It certainly ended on a cliff hanger 25 years ago, so I am deeply relieved that I don't have to wait that long to get another serve. 
I spent a couple of days in Bendigo with Helen this week, and we had a rather odd and yet weirdly delightful 'Lynch-like' experience together when we ventured out to view The Great Stupa of Universal Compassion. Built in the same design as the Great Stupa of Gyantse in Tibet which is 50 metres high and 50 metres square at its base, when it is completed The Great Stupa of Universal Compassion will be the largest stupa outside of Asia. It is fair to say that the stupa is completely awe inspiring and grand in every way, and that something of this nature is going to be a beacon to many colourful and interesting people, both now and for years to come. 
Whilst Helen and I were roaming the massive gardens that surround the stupa, we were approached by a rather odd, shuffling, weather-beaten old man in a sunhat that appeared to be absolutely wasted. He informed us that it was in our best interests to follow a path that wound through the bush to visit the nearby monastery, which was apparently a delight to behold. Okay, weird guy, thanks for that. 
Anyway, being the Nosey Nellys that we are, we did follow the rather dodgy gravel path, and it lead to....wait for it.....The Yellow Brick Road! I shit you not, it was yellow and bricked and also labelled 'The Yellow Brick Road' aka The Pathway to Enlightenment. Well, how can one resist? This was clearly becoming an epic adventure. 
Okay, so this is where things got really fricken weird. Probably should've seen that coming when we agreed to follow 'weird guy's' advise, but anyway.... Along the path were numerous...well I can only call them offerings, left by God only knows who and they were labelled with the craziest gobbledegook that I have ever read in my life, and that's saying something! There were various collections of offerings, some that had stuffed animals (some even hanging in the trees - my favourite being the gorilla with the rotting banana shoved under his arm) plastic dinosaurs and snakes, crappy wooden tiki sculptures, culturally insensitive concrete natives, gnomes and mushrooms, animal bones and skulls and various other things that just shouldn't have been there.
Helen and I were waiting to be offered a nice long glass of Kool Aid, because this lovely meander throught the bush had suddenly turned into wrong turn at Jones Town for us.  It was truly freaky shit, which we both found absolutely hysterical and almost died of laughter from. And then suddenly, there it was, the monastery. And yes, it was amazing, marble sculptures of the various Buddhas, it was bloody incredible actually. You just had to get throught the weird, acid trip, 'yellow brick road' to get there.
​The rest of the time that we were there, we were quite suspicious about what actually goes on at the stupa after hours, given the weirdness of some of it, but it did give us a shitload to laugh about for the rest of the day.
We had a picnic lunch around the lake, and I think that the passersby thought that we were absolutely mental, because we were literally rolling around on our picnic rug with rawkus laughter recalling the things that we had seen on The Yellow Brick Road. I'm pretty certain that our rather unusual visit to The Great Stupa of Universal Compassion was an experience that even David Lynch himself could've gleaned some inspiration from, it had art-house stamped all over it! 

Had a pretty nerve-racking week after Seth was diagnosed with a Staph infection in his leg. His stitches had developed a secondary infection, and boy was it manky! The doctor placed him onto amoxicillin forte tablets, strong enough to eradicate all infection in a small Bosnian village, which thankfully appears to have done the job. If the tablets had not worked, we were in for a trip to the hospital for some very invasive treatment. It felt like we really dodged a nasty bullet there, so I was exhaling a massive sigh of relief when he got the all clear on Friday, just have to get it checked again in a week and that should be the end of it. 
So with all crisis averted, I was free to celebrate a sunny Spring weekend with Zoe, Seth and Helen. We had gathered together for an early Halloween celebration that included a trip into town to see The Archibald Prize, which again did not fail to dazzle and impress me. The winner was an almost three dimensional looking painting of Barry Humphries by Louise Hearman, that was really astounding, but as usual I always prefer something other than the winner selection and favoured the painting called Rhys Smart Mouth by Melissa Ritchie. In truth however, they are all tremendous pieces and we are so lucky that Ballarat got to host this exceptional exhibition for a second year running. 
Following The Archibald Prize, we went to a local wine bar for nibbles and my first alcoholic beverage in 31 days. I ended my sobriety on Saturday over a glass of sparkling wine, which I didn't even have to pay for! The wine bar accidentally gave me a gluten product , which I had specifically asked not to have, and they felt so bad about it that they refused to let me pay the bill when we left. This was really generous of them, especially since I explained to them that I am not anaphylactic and that I wasn't going to die, but they were so determined to make up for their blunder that they enforced that we were not to pay the bill. Turned out that I was perfectly fine, and that there actually is such as a thing as a free lunch, you just have to be willing to risk your health to get it! 
Rounded out our night with some delicious Thai curries, a few quality whiskeys and a bit of gross out Halloween viewing; starting with Ash vs Evil Dead S2 and ending with something that really defies all explanation. 

Essentially a scarab beetle is just a dung beetle that the Egyptian people worshiped, and like all dung beetles they spend a great deal of time rolling balls of shit around and trying to get it to fit into places that it shouldn't be. This kind of dung rolling takes a lot of effort, it requires scarabs to use their whole self to get things going, and it is not unusual for a dung ball to roll right over the top of a scarab during the rolling process.
In my line of work, I often feel just like that scarab beetle, pushing shit uphill only to be mowed over by it moments later. I suppose that everyone feels a bit like a scarab beetle at work from time to time, I just seem to feel that way an awful lot lately, and it sucks.
​Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be the most powerful person a room for a change instead of the least powerful one all of the time. I wonder if the powerful players of the world ever feel like scarab beetles in their line of work, but I seriously doubt that they would. I bet that they have crushed a lot of scarab beetles like me on their way to the top though. 
It is days like these that make me feel very small and insignificant in the world, and for that reason - I hate days like these. These are the days that leave you second guessing yourself, questioning all of your choices and wondering if there is more to life than what you are experiencing; all the while knowing with a painful completeness that there really is so much more, and that you have fallen way short of your own potential and that you only have the rest of your life to contemplate that agonizing reality. Yep, one of those days....
And in true scarab beetle fashion, tomorrow I will resume work on my dung pile, I will smile while I do it and I will convince myself that I am making a difference, because if I didn't do that I would just self destruct under the weight of my own insignificance.
When you are very small in the big wide world, you absolutely must find joy in the small things, or else you are just doomed. Generally, I am very good at doing that, but today not so much. 
​Now I know why I binge drink. 

One of the unfortunate side effects of not having anyone you can really trust or confide in as a kid, is that you have to work everything out for yourself. My siblings were always pretty forthright about not liking me very much as a kid, and whenever I did put my trust in them growing up, I was always rewarded with broken confidences and a lot of hot water as a consequence.
In turn, that meant that I made a shit load more mistakes along the road to becoming an adult than the average person has made, or needed to make, in order to become a reasonably functioning member of society. I did find myself in a lot more trouble, and I did continue to do things that others saw as 'stupid shit' and I did hate myself for being such a chronic fuck up, especially throughout my early teenage years, when the tests and the mistakes seemed to come at their thickest and fastest. 
If no-one is watching out for your best interests or helping you with the decision making, you will screw up colossally and regularly. I was a total fuck up in my early teens, I swung between self involved and stupid, and I did some tremendously dangerous and dumb things along the way. But what I did have going for me, was the fact that I learnt from my mistakes. I never made the same mistake twice, but I did have a lot of first time fuck ups. Fortunately I dodged a few bullets as well, and I found my feet eventually, so I was one of the lucky ones. 
It's the kids that never learnt from their mistakes that scared me the most growing up, they were the real rebels in my mind. They were the ones who would step over the line and then jump over it three more times,  even after they had been caught. These were the kids that did not seem to have any conscience or any thought about the consequences or ripple effects that they were creating. They were the kids that weren't just being stupid, they were being outright bad arses without a thought for tomorrow or any other moment to come.
​I have known a few kids like that in my lifetime, and they grew up to be really scary adults. I also know for a fact that they were never supervised or instructed by anyone responsible when they were growing up, and that they have perpetuated that cycle in an almost textbook like fashion. 
You see, you can find out about the world by yourself, but it isn't fun or pretty. However, if you lack the skills to learn from your own mistakes as you go, well then you're just doomed really. Nothing that I know of can ever really fix that level of broken in a person, I think that it can't ever really be repaired. And I suppose that the skill to learn from my mistakes was the only thing that pull me back from a doomed future. I have to say that I am grateful that my parents managed to generate a sense of self ownership for my actions and a nagging conscience in me, because when all's said and done, it really did save me on so many occasions from a terrible fate. 

This weekend I gave myself permission to do as little as possible. I had a few odds and ends to do for work, since it is only a week until the Spring holidays begin, but aside of that, I have tried to avoid all manner of extra chores and labour intensive activities.
I did tidy up a little bit, mainly because I can't relax when the house looks like I'm in the middle of a game of Jumanji, but that's about all that I did do. The rest of the time I have just fluffed about doing whatever took my fancy, which was mostly watching movies, drinking whiskey and lying around on the couch. Nice! 
I don't give myself permission to do nothing very often, I usually feel really guilty if I am not doing anything. I hate feeling like I have wasted the weekend by not doing anything that has purpose, but nope, this weekend I did things that had absolutely no real purpose at all.
Craig helped me to get my Cosplay action on. I needed a Ghostbusters costume for the school performance next week (don't ask), so Craig went all out and made me the best proton pack ever! Seriously, it looks amazing and lights up and everything, the geek in me wants more opportunity to rock that shit out than a two minute dance in the school concert! The whole get up looks pretty kick arse if I do say so myself, turns out that having hours to fart around this weekend turned out to be somewhat beneficial to my concert costume requirements because we kind of went all out.  
Anyway, time for me to retire back to the couch, I'm also giving myself permission to not write too much on my blog this weekend, which means less for you to read too. So go and make yourself a coffee and put your feet up, you deserve a break too, give yourself permission to unplug.