The Universal Stupa of Great Compassion in Bendigo hosted its annual Festival of Peace and Light this weekend and we were fortunate enough to join the celebrations. Well, word has clearly gotten out about how terrific last years festival was because this time the event had grown substantially, both in participation numbers and the lineup of performers.
Last time we were among a mere 100 odd visitors that had our own seats to view a few international acts and some fireworks and this year the Stupa was swamped with thousands of people. There were over 40 various performances in the afternoon, at least a dozen vegetarian food vans (tofu to die for people), merchandise vendors and of course, the precious Jade Buddha which has returned to the Stupa and created a most auspicious and important reason for Buddhists to make the pilgrimage to Bendigo this weekend. 
Because the event has ballooned to epic proportions it was a lot more difficult to see everything and this time there was more than one stage operating with different attractions happening at one time, kind of like a Buddhist Big Day Out, which did mean that you didn't get to see every performance like we did last time. Also forget seating, there was nowhere to sit unless you wanted to perch on a rock (which I happily did) and if you are a short arse like me you often couldn't see the action that was going on even if you wanted to, but it was still so much fun and definitely worth the trip to Bendigo. 
Chinese lions, drumming, various international dancers, hoop twirlers, a puppet theatre, live music and instrumental performers, singers, acrobats, didgeridoo performances, Tibetan chanting and let's not forget the spectacular sound and light extravaganza that always makes me feel like I am five years old again as I ooh and ahh in amazement as the fireworks go zipping across the sky overhead. 
The food vans this year were super impressive as well, with a massive array of extremely tasty and also healthy vegan delights. I had a particularly good shawarma with beetroot  and hummus, but the curries, felafel, rotis and other Indian fried delights also looked delicious and I don't think that anyone was struggling to find something delicious to eat. Again, it was the line up that seemed to be the biggest obstacle, but as long as you kept your cool and stayed the course, you got fed. Like all festival events, you have to expect crowds and queues and you have to make your peace with it, after all it was the Festival of Peace and Light; you can't go around abusing people and being a dick at an event like that. 
I think that the Festival of Peace and Light showcases Victoria's broad Buddhist diversity and the communities genuine interest in other cultures and religious practises. I know without a shadow of doubt that I will be returning next year, and I really look forward to watching the festival grow and expand each year. Next time I will be more prepared for a more grand experience than I was this time and I cannot wait to see what the organisers are going to bring to fold in 2019, so exciting!  

Every year around the end of Autumn and the beginning of Winter I suffer from a bit of mild depression. Not a throw myself from the nearest building kind of depression, more of a self doubting, self loathing and melancholic period that always seems to appear at the same time of the year. The darker, wetter and colder days seem to also bring with them an air of despair and uncertainty that leaves me feeling out of tune with everything and everyone. I can feel my resilience and tolerance faltering and my usually optimistic demeanor becomes somewhat surley and pessimistic. During these moments I have to fight the urge to run and hide under a blanket somewhere, far away from the world and all of it's noisy responsibilities and complications. 
It's a strange and unnamable feeling that makes me want to retreat, and stranger still is the fact that I am never really sure of what I am actually retreating from. Generally I am a bit over-emotional, super sensitive, easily angered and melodramatic at these times of the year, it's kind of like PMS on steroids and its not a lot of fun for me or the people around me. And what really gets to me about it all, is why? Why do I have these periods in my life and why are they so cyclic? 
Perhaps it is because of the crappy weather, maybe it's because of the stockpile of bills that come at this time of the year that need to be paid, maybe it's because I am just a little run down from being unwell and overwhelmed by the demands of my everyday routine, and then maybe it is actually just a combination of all of those things. Whatever the reason, I do know one thing for sure, it always and I mean always occurs around this time of the year.
Last year around this time I had a particularly difficult time with depression and I felt it more completely than I had in previous years. I had a total dark night of the soul and was actually really concerned about some of the thoughts that I was entertaining. I went to a really dark place and it lasted for way too long. I also had a massive and incredibly painful falling out with my siblings at this time last year, and they have all since become estranged to me, and maybe the hurt of that feels particularly raw at this time of the year and adds to my melancholy. However, I would be lying if I said that it was any one particular thing that made me feel the early winter blues so intensely. 
However, it is not all doom and gloom! By recognising this pattern of self doubt and inner turmoil, I have become a lot better at managing it. Through meditation and yoga practises I have learnt to curb my personal negativity and anxiety because I can now recognize what is happening a lot earlier on. I also know with great certainty that these melancholic moments are transient and fleeting and that I do not have to engage with them when they occur. I no longer need to feed and clothe my personal demons everytime that I get anxious or worried, I can just recognise them and then let them go quietly back into the night. I also recognise that everyone has times in their lives that are rife with anxiety and uncertainty and that I am not alone in my struggles and that it is all a normal part of any growth cycle to fall over every now and then. 
I can now bravely acknowledge that I do get blues from time to time, but it doesn't define who I am and that I don't have to let it take hold of me. Like a quiet passenger on the bus of life I can simply notice these feelings as I pass them by, waving farewell to them before they even get a chance to take hold of me. And that is big part of what surviving your own depression and dark thoughts is like really. You know that these times and thoughts are going to come around every now and again, but like negative people that are hard to have around, you just have to choose to not engage them.
Sometimes that requires a lot of strength, a lot more than you think that you can muster up, but essentially you can. You really can, in spite of whatever your head may be telling you, and just as winter arrives every year, so too does summer and the most powerful thing to remember to help you to get yourself out of a funk like this is that nothing ever lasts forever. It's all transient and it's all fleeting, and you don't have to stay in the moment any longer then you choose to, you can let go at any time, at any moment, just let it pass you by. 

I read a really startling article in The Guardian this week that was all about the research that is being done around the theory of children being 'born bad.' In the article, a psychiatrist named Dr Essi Viding, from the Social, Genetic and Developmental Psychiatry Centre at King's College in London said, that research has shown that some children actually inherit antisocial disorders from their parents and that their poor behaviour is not caused by bad parenting or a bad environment.
Being 'born bad' has now been scientifically proven to be a real thing and a lot of antisocial behaviours that children display are actually caused by a child's genetic makeup. Sure, if these vulnerable children are then exposed to poor parenting and a less than nurturing environment then their psychopathic tendencies are most certainly exacerbated, but even without those influences there are some poor kids out there that are definitely behind the genetic eight ball when it comes to having their shit together and mastering the ability to make good and appropriate social choices. 
The research was based on the psychiatrists analysis of 3,687 pairs of seven year old identical twins. Apparently identical twins are the best candidates for this type of comparison research due to the fact that they share exactly the same genes and therefore the same inherited influences. Anyway, long story short, from the data that they collated, they have identified that yes, some children are in fact 'born bad.' 
This information makes me feel really conflicted. On one hand I feel dreadfully sad that there are kids out there that are just 'born bad'  because I have always been a firm believer that  no child is ever truly 'born bad' but rather 'made bad' by influence and environment, which is still certainly possible, but it is clearly not always the case according to this study. 
And then on the other hand I feel really hopeful and quite excited about what this new research has uncovered because it means that specialists will be able to pinpoint potential problems very early on for these poor children, probably even before they are born. Which in turn will mean that we will be able to offer better forms of early intervention and support, and hopefully head off the big problems before they have a chance to really manifest. 
I suppose that this type of research can only be seen as a positive step forward, but there is something about an unborn child being labelled as 'bad' that makes me feel pretty damn uncomfortable. Maybe the word 'bad' needs to be changed up for something that has a lot less connotations attached to it, but 'disadvantaged' or 'potentially dangerous' doesn't really sound a lot better does it? Maybe we should just stamp a biohazard symbol onto their poor little heads when they pop out into the world so that we can easily identify them? 
Seriously though, as much as we all want early intervention and prevention, do we really want to be labeling 'bad' kids prenatal? All that I know for sure is that there will definitely need to be a lot of diplomacy and privacy around the handling of this information in the future, so that our so called 'bad' kids can have the same opportunities as our so called 'good' kids in this world. 

Sometimes in my life it can really feel like I travel two steps forward and then one step back again. I suppose that everyone feels like that from time to time. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming sense of that in every aspect of my life and I have to try really hard to not let these small setbacks make me feel deflated. Things will happen, stuff won't always work out and some of the best laid plans will turn into total horse shit.
The biggest problem with this reality is that I am the sort of person that likes to feel that I am constantly moving forward in life, and it just kills me if I think that I am not. And even though I have an excellent understanding of the fact that no-one, no matter how much they may appear to have their shit together, is ever really continually moving forwards, it is just accepting that fact that is the hardest thing for me.
Standing still or moving backwards are not really terms that ignite excitement in me, generally they have the opposite effect. However, I have discovered that when I find myself in these predicaments, as one does from time to time, that there are things that can be done to make the process a lot less agonising and in fact, even quite enjoyable!
Firstly and above all else, the best thing to do when things go wrong is to take stock of the situation and make an assessment. An assessment that is not based on how far you still have to go, but more on how far you have already come. This is where keeping a daily journal really comes into its own, because when you flick back over a six, or even better twelve month period of your life, and you see just how much you've accomplished and grown, you won't feel deflated or setback for very long. It is so very easy to focus on the negative side of things in life when you face a minor setback, much easier than seeing the good things, but when you can actually see it on the page in front of you, it is very hard to deny your own personal growth. 
And that is the other thing, just because you are being forced to stand still with your progression on something for a while, that doesn't mean that you have ceased to grow altogether. In fact a lull in giant leaps forward are actually an extremely valuable opportunity to really observe the bigger picture, to make sure that you are still on the right track and to make any necessary adjustments before continuing on. When you look at it like that, a step backwards can almost seem like a much needed hiatus and a golden opportunity to uncover a brand new learning or way of doing things. 
​And if I still feel like crap about a setback after all of that, then I like to console and remind myself that I am only human, that is totally okay to make mistakes and get things wrong and that doing dumb shit every now and again is probably good for my soul anyway. Trying too hard to get it all right all of the time is just plain exhausting and I don't want to walk around with the weight of an elephant on my shoulders. I would rather just learn to find the sage in my setbacks, the reason behind my mistakes and the calm in the chaos, because two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward when you really think about it, and I am am happy to take it all just one step at a time anyway. 

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once quoted that people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusions destroyed; meaning that humans prefer to be lied to. Having a personality that it somewhat 'tell it like it is' myself, I can assure you that this quote is absolutely 100% accurate and that people do not ever really want to hear the truth about themselves or about the things that are going on in their lives. They may tell you that they want the truth, but don't be fooled by that one, they most definitely DO NOT want to hear the truth. As Jack Nicholson famously shouted in A Few Good Men, they can't handle the truth and it will just about always freak them out and send them into a frenzy of hate, self doubt and/or depression.
People are far more comfortable with you going along with the flow, keeping your thoughts to yourself, accepting things as they come and generally not 'rocking the boat' as it is often termed. As humans we do have a strong tendency to adhere to the 'flock with birds of a feather' ideology. We conform, almost on autopilot, to groupthink situations, often succumbing to pressures that we don't really agree with just so that we can maintain the status quo and have a sense of belonging. 
There have been a few times in my life when speaking the truth has gotten me into a lot of trouble. I rarely mince my words, and I like to be honest about my thoughts and feelings; I don't really see the point in going along with things that I find upsetting, unfair or just plain ridiculous. However, as I said before, people do not want your honesty, so being skilled at 'telling it like is' is not really seen as a very good social skill to have; well not if you want to fly with the flock anyway.  
This 'skill' of mine has on a few occasions led to me inadvertently upsetting or offending people. Sometimes I have felt bad about that, sometimes I have not, depending on the situation of course. However, as I get older I realise that Nietzsche was not only right about people not wanting to hear the truth about themselves, but also that his advice should probably be followed if you don't want to continuously alienate the people in your life. 
And this is where the real conundrum lies, because I don't actually want people in my life that I can't be honest with. I value people being genuine and up front with me and I don't want people feeling like they have to follow any social norms or pretend to be anything or feel anything that they don't in order to be in my life. I respect people for being forthright and I would expect that the people that I have in my life would feel the same way. Of course, I understand that there is a fine line between speaking your truth and being a totally intolerant asshole all of the time as well. There are certain things that never need to be spoken about or commented on; and yes, a white lie here or there is absolutely necessary when it comes to us all getting along, but are we all generally over editing ourselves to appease the flock most of the time?
I do feel like many people probably do drastically over edit their thoughts and opinions in favour of 'flying with the flock.' Everyone is so scared of being seen as the 'opinionated' one, or the 'difficult' one that they just adopt an insincere tolerance to things that they do not agree with and an allowance of others to behave as they like and dictate how things should be, even though it may fly in the face of their own personal values or ethics. I can assure you from personal experience, that over-editing yourself and being ingenuous about how you feel will inevitably only lead to unrest, anger, resentment and hostility, which is hardly a terrific result or positive outcome. 
I suppose that the only really zen thing to do when it comes to speaking your truth is learning to become more adept at identifying when it is and when it is not appropriate to do so. Every situation and person is unique and therefore the levels of honesty that can be used varies constantly from situation to situation and person to person. Much easier said than done I know, because I have spent a good deal of my spare time overthinking things that I have said and removing my foot from my mouth on a regular basis.
It is important to find a happy medium in life where you do feel comfortable to stand strong in your own values and truths, but in doing so, to also make sure that you are not making everyone else feel uncomfortable when you do. If you succeed at doing this, please let me know how so that I too can become better at finding the 'happy medium' where I am sometimes flying with flock and sometimes flying solo as well without making any of the birds feel bad about themselves. 

CALL ME BY YOUR NAME
Release Date: 2017
Rating: MA 15+
​Running Time: 132 mins 
A coming-of-age romance drama directed by Luca Guadagnino and written by James Ivory. Based on the 2007 novel of the same name by Andre Aciman, Call Me By Your Name was released at the 2017 Sundance Film Festival and has since received numerous accolades for its melancholic and powerful portrayal of a first love romance. 
In the Summer of 1983 in Lombardy, Italy, 17 year old Elio meets Oliver, an older handsome American that is working for Elio's father. Against the sumptuous sunburnt landscapes of an Italian summer, Elio and Oliver become involved in a passionate love affair that will change both of their lives forever. 
This film feels like a foreign language/ art house movie, and perhaps that is what makes it so good. The script never feels like it is conforming to cinematic or societal expectations, it is completely genuine and honest in its portrayal of budding first love discoveries and gay relationships which makes it uniquely forward thinking and exceptionally refreshing. 
The 80's era is portrayed perfectly and the two lead actors, Timothee Chalamet and Armie Hammer, are absolutely flawless as the infatuated lovers. I was so impressed by Chalamet's notable onscreen presence, he will definitely be one to watch in the future and Hammer shows us some serious acting chops that I have not seen before as well. 
Call Me By Your Name is nothing short of a modern gay classic and is powerful viewing that shouldn't be missed. 
FINAL SAY: Is it better to speak or die?
4 Chilli Peppers ​

It's that time again, the time for me to unleash my viewing loves and loathes for the year of 2017. In total, I watched 279 movies and 62 TV series in 2017, so yeah, it is fair to say that I have a robust addiction to entertainment and that I have a fairly good idea of what is out there.
My biggest undertaking for the year was a rewatch of the entire Lost Series, 121 episodes in total, and although it took me the better part of the entire year to get through, it was worth the effort. Next to the Twin Peaks Reboot, Lost was the next biggest mind fuck of the year for me.
I must say that the bar raises every single year for me because movies and TV are constantly improving in quality and there is a never ending stream of excellent viewing to be had. That makes it a lot harder for me to discern the best,  but also a lot more enjoyable in the long run.
However, without further ado, here are my picks for the best and worst of 2017, my full reviews of these movies can be found on their corresponding genre lists. 
BEST MOVIES OF 2017:

• IT  - Horror  4.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Ghost Story - Art House 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Mother! - Challenging 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Blade Runner 2049 - Science Fiction 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Baby Driver - Action 4 Chilli Peppers
• Dunkirk - War 4 Chilli Peppers
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 - Fantasy 4 Chilli Peppers
• Logan - Super 4 Chilli Peppers
• Get Out - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Dark Song - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• T2 - Trainspotting - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• Logan Lucky - Action/Comedy 3.5 Chilli Peppers

BEST CATCH UP MOVIES OF 2017: (Movies released before 2017 that I finally saw in 2017)

• La Grande Bellezza (The Great Beauty) - Foreign 5 Chilli Peppers (Hall of Fame)
• Manchester by the Sea - Drama 5 Chilli Peppers (Hall of Fame)
• Moonlight - Drama 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Arrival - Science Fiction 4.5  Chilli Peppers
• Nocturnal Animals  -Drama 4.5  Chilli Peppers
• Hidden Figures - Drama 4  Chilli Peppers
• Moana - Kid Friendly 4  Chilli Peppers
• The Edge of Seventeen -Comedy 4 Chilli Peppers
• The Conjuring 2 - Horror 4 Chilli Peppers
• Captain Fantastic - Drama 4 Chilli Peppers
• Samson and Delilah - Gritty 4 Chilli Peppers
• The House of the Devil - Horror 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Mermaid - Foreign/ Fantasy 3.5 Chilli Peppers

WORST MOVIES OF 2017:

• Kong: Skull Island - Fantasy 2 Chilli Peppers
• The Great Wall - Action/ Fantasy 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Ghost in the Shell - Science Fiction 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• A Cure for Wellness - Horror 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Loving - Drama 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Valerian and the City of a 1,000 Planets - Science Fiction 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Baywatch - Comedy 1.5 Chilli Peppers
• Yoga Hosers  -Comedy 1 Chilli Pepper
• The Bye Bye Man  - Horror 0 Chilli Peppers
• The Greasy Strangler - Art House 0 Chilli Peppers

BEST TV SERIES 2017:

• Big Little Lies - Drama 5 Chilli Peppers
• The Handmaid's Tale - Drama/ Fantasy 5 Chilli Peppers
• American Gods - Horror/ Fantasy 5 Chilli Peppers
• Atlanta - Drama 4.5 Chilli Peppers 
• Godless - Western 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Game of Thrones S7  - Fantasy 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Stranger Things S2 - Science Fiction 4.5 Chilli Peppers
• Twin Peaks Reboot - Art House 4 Chilli Peppers 
• Mozart in the Jungle - Drama 4 Chili Peppers 
• Alias Grace - Historical Drama 4 Chilli Peppers 
• AHS - Cult - Horror 4 Chilli Peppers
• Peaky Blinders S4 - Historical Drama 4 Chilli Peppers
• Better Things - Comedy 4 Chilli Peppers
• A-Typical - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• Girls - Final Season - Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers
• The Sinner - Mystery/Drama 3.5 Chilli Peppers

As far as bad TV series go, well I was so busy watching really high quality TV that I managed to miss all of the shit this year, so I'm not even putting in a category for that. To be honest, I think that this year may have been one of the best of years for quality TV that I have ever known, which fills me with a lot of hope for 2018. 
Hopefully you will find something on my lists that you haven't seen yet and will now go and see on my recommendation. Also, you now know what to avoid like the plague if you should have the misfortune of coming across it.
I hope that the holiday period is being kind to you all, happy viewing!

IT
Release Date: 2017
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 135 mins 
A supernatural horror directed by Andy Muschietti and based on the highly successful 1986 novel of the same name by Stephen King. Clearly audiences are thirsting for excellent retro horror tales because IT swiftly became the highest grossing horror film of all time and the third highest grossing R rated movie of all time. 
It's 1988 in a small American town called Derry and something insidious is lurking in the sewers; an ancient evil that feeds on the fears of children and presents itself as a clown called Pennywise. Seemingly invisible to adults, Pennywise starts to abduct the children of Derry, and turns its sights on a tight group of friends called The Losers Club. 
With all of the terrific friendship dynamics  and comradery of The Goonies, Stranger Things and Stand By Me  and all of the creepiness of a James Wan horror, IT has a formula that works on so many levels. Not only is there a creepy as all shit clown torturing the children, but all of the adults in Derry seem to be rather unpleasant as well which adds another layer of turmoil to this already emotionally affecting tale. 
IT is most definitely the best horror movie to come out of 2017. The acting is on point, with Bill Skarsgard delivering one of the most memorably disturbing horror characters of all time in Pennywise. He is however exceptionally well supported by a young and fresh faced cast who are all bringing their A game here as well, with notable performances being delivered by Finn Wolfhard, Sophia Lillis, Nicholas Hamilton and Jeremy Ray Taylor.
The visuals are certainly dark, dreadful and nightmarish; but the coming of age story that is playing in the background is not at all drowned out by the grim effects, which was really pleasing to see. IT is a true horror gem and a must see movie for fans of quality horror.
FINAL SAY: We all float down here. 
4.5 Chilli Peppers ​

In a type of post Halloween celebration, I took Seth and met up with Helen and Carmel at Alfred Deakin Place on Saturday afternoon to celebrate the colourful Dia de Muertos (Day of the Dead) event that was held in Ballarat this weekend. Dia de Muertos is a Mexican national holiday where people honour the memory of their dearly departed friends and family members, and it is truly a colourful and lively spectacle of epic and magnificent proportions. 
It is commonplace for Mexican people to visit the graves of lost ones at this time of the year to decorate their graves with elaborate imagery and offerings. Altars called ofrendas are constructed in homes and adorned with photos, calaveras (skull representations), golden aztec marigolds, incense, food offerings and gifts. There was massive and highly ornate ofrendas constructed at yesterday's celebration in memory of the dead, it was so beautiful and had a massive cross at the foot of the altar that was surrounded by rice and salt to keep the evil spirits at bay. 
We perused the gorgeous authentic mexican crafts and cultural art pieces, checked out the massive dirt and bark skeleton installations, listened to the animated mariachi band, watched a performance of an authentic Mexican Day of the Dead dance and tried some 'Grandmother's' chocolate. Grandmother's chocolate, I was told by the very helpful young lady that was running the stall, is a traditional Mexican spiced hot chocolate that is only drank on Dia de Muertos and is usually drank with 'Dia de Muertos Bread' - a sugar and spice encrusted mini sweet bread that is baked and left out in an attempt to persuade the dearly departed to visit your home with its irresistible aromas. I purchased a loaf to leave out overnight in the hope that it would entice my nanna to visit, but unfortunately I can't say that I saw her. Perhaps Mexican sweet bread is not that alluring to her. 
We rounded out our Dia de Muertos celebrations with a delicious lunch of Chimichangas and Hendrix Muddles aka Hendrix Summer Mules, which is now my new fave cocktail and will be my summer go to drink for sure - so refreshing! Followed that deliciousness with a visit to the Ballarat Art Gallery to see the new Romancing the Skull exhibition, which was also terrific and I highly recommend a visit to. Then finished it all off with a quick pop over to the local Spanish restaurant for coffee and hot churros. Yummy!
Got home in the early evening with an over stuffed gut and still had time to spare for some utterly ridiculous D grade horror that was so very bad that I cannot even remember the name of it now! What a perfect day! Seth fell asleep around 10.30pm and I crashed into bed around 11.30pm and slept just like the dead myself. 

I went for my first job interview in almost a decade today. The build up to it was the worst part of all, especially since I haven't interviewed in an age and the last interview that I went to involved a panel of scrutinizing interviewers. This interview, thankfully, did not play out like that at all and although I walked in with sweaty palms and shaky hands, I was feeling a lot calmer on the way out, which generally means that it went pretty well. 
The anticipation with interviews is a such a killer, but also having to prove your worth is equally gut wrenching. I know that I have what it takes to do the job, but convincing someone else that you are the best candidate over everyone else is where the real work is. Fortunately, I didn't feel interrogated or made to feel like I needed to prove myself today, it was far more relaxed than that and I actually really enjoyed the process.
Will I get the job? Who knows? I gave it my best effort and at this stage that is all that I can safely say about it. I did spent hours researching material that I thought would be useful and over preparing to the extreme, but there is absolutely no point in counting your chickens before they have hatched. In the past, I have been knocked back for jobs that I was sure I had nailed and given offers for ones that I thought I had failed, so I am never really sure and try never to count anything as a given. 
Who knows how stiff my competition may turn out to be? Someone twice as qualified as me could sweep in and take the prize, things like that happen all of the time and it is just the way it is. There are no guarantees in life that's for sure. It is out of my hands now, but hopefully I will know something by early next week. 
I am not looking for work because I need another job, I still have one, a really good one. And I am most definitely not looking around because I don't like my work or my workplace either, but when you have been doing the same thing for almost a decade it can be time for a change. I think that it is good to push yourself outside of your comfort zone from time to time, regardless of how much that scares the bejesus out of you. There is nothing as rewarding as having the strength to try new things and take on new challenges. That's how we grow and learn and become better versions of ourselves, by challenging ourselves.
​I am certainly not too old to put myself out there that's for sure and even if the fear of pushing against my comfort zone doesn't amount to me getting a new job, well it certainly amounts to me being willing to give it a try, and that is always worth something in my books. 

THE WAGES OF FEAR
Release Date: 1953
Rating: M
Running Time: 131 mins
It's gripping suspense and nail biting drama all the way with this French language film from director Henri-Georges Clouzot. Set in a backwater town in Latin America, this film has plenty to say about about the desperate and dangerous conditions of the times, both politically and socially, and plays out with incredible suspense. Together with Diabolique,  The Wages of Fear earned Clouzot a reputation as a French- Hitchcock.
Four men, desperate to earn a wage, undertake a suicide mission to transport two truck loads of nitroglycerin across insanely treacherous terrain for The Southern Oil Company. 
It's one challenge after another as the men push themselves physically and mentally to deliver the pay load, all of them succumbing in one way or another to the pressure. This is certainly a high tension thriller that continues to turn the screws right to the end, it's truly riveting material.
FINAL SAY: When I was a kid, I used to see men go off on this kind of job...and not come back. 
​4 Chilli Peppers ​

Just because you can't see something or prove something, that doesn't make it untrue. Thousands of people have devoted their lives to a God that no-one can really prove is real, but can we safely say then that God is not real or true? And how many people have seen ghosts or had unexplainable occurrences happen in their lifetimes? Again thousands, but can we prove any of it to be true? No we cannot. However, if we cannot prove something to be true, then we also cannot prove something to be untrue, and therein lies the most wonderful thing of all, possibility!
​Possibility has intrigued and infuriated minds since man first had the brains to consider it. It has given room for people to ponder and believe in so many different things, things that some of us completely dismiss, and things that some of us wholeheartedly embrace. Gods, aliens, supernatural beings and abilities, angels and even things like Bigfoot; these are some people's truths, some people's belief systems and the things that keeps some people going. Who am I to deny anyone of the right to their own beliefs? Who am I to decide or to dictate what is real and what is fiction when I have no proof for or against any of these matters? 
Just because you cannot hold it in your hands or see it with your eyes or smell it or taste it, that does not mean that it is not real. If that were true, then what could be said of love? Or hate? Or any of the other complex emotions that we all know to be true and massive in variation from person to person? We all understand and accept these complexities of life as true because they affect us individually, but what if you had never actually experienced love for yourself? Would that then give you the right to deny another of the truth of what they feel when they claim to have felt love? Of course it doesn't. 
It matters not what others believe in or put their stock into, for them it is the truth and that is evidence enough for me. I do not have to become a believer in anything to be able to allow others to believe, do I? Aristotle once said "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."  And this is so very true, just because it is not your truth, that doesn't make it untrue for someone else, and it certainly doesn't make it yours to pull apart. Everyone has a right to feel what they feel and to believe in whatever they wish to believe in, and as long it's not harming anyone or anything, then I say all power to you. 
And is it really that important that everything in life be proven to be true anyway? Are we really that hung on the truth as humans? Generally I think that we are not, and taking away some else's truth or trying to prove a point or weaken someone's belief system is never going to make anyone a better person in the long run anyway. Live and let live, believe in what makes you happy and don't feel the need to prove your beliefs to others. Don't listen to anyone that tries to devalue your beliefs; and remember that only the weak and the insecure ever seek to disprove the beliefs of others. Take comfort in the knowledge that if cannot be proven, then it cannot be disproven either, and that is a very powerful awareness to have. 

Made six dozen cupcakes for a work colleague's birthday this week. Four dozen that were edible and two dozen that ended up in the bin. Don't mix up the olive oil with the vegetable oil when making cupcakes, blahh, totally disgusting, the smell of them was enough for me to bin them! Anyway, after redeeming myself with 48 successes, the house smelt of vanilla for a couple of days and apparently they tasted good because the feedback was positive, so it all turned out okay in the end. 
I am not really a very good baker. I have made some bloody horrid cakes in my time, some really filthy bad ones, the type of shitty cakes that even dogs won't eat. I made a chocolate cake once that so bad even little kids (that claimed to love chocolate when I was cutting it) wouldn't eat it! How woefully bad! Also, since I am gluten free, it is very much in my favour to avoid creating any type of tempting pastry or refined flour based products that may lay around the house for days on end, gently calling out my name in the wee hours, coaxing me with their doughy goodness. It's tough to resist, it is better if I just avoid baking on all fronts really.
I must admit that I have gotten better at baking as the years have gone by, and when the occasion calls for it, I can pump out a reasonably respectable cake, but I never really know what they taste like since I don't eat them myself and that just never really feels right. It kind of feels like being dishonest. What kind of a chef doesn't taste their own food? I'll tell you what kind, a shitty one. If you never actually eat any of the stuff that you bake, you probably aren't that a good a baker, well that's what I tell myself anyway. 
I'm not a bad cook though. I have a pretty good repertoire of recipes that I can make well and that I know taste delicious, because I have tried them myself. I also really like the whole 'eye work' dash of this, dash of that, type of a thing that cooking allows for; where nothing has to be exact. Baking on the other hand is a science and science is an exact thing, and I am not known for my exact-ness. More for my round-about, kinda, near enough, something like that-ness; so cooking suits me a lot more than baking. 
Perhaps I will have more patience for the science of baking as I get older, but for now I am just happy to watch the Great Aussie/ British Bake Off and admire the professionals doing their thing. I certainly don't feel the need to make another 72 cupcakes again in a hurry that's for sure! 

Life is a crazy and beautiful thing. It leads you down a lot of roads; some clean, smooth highways, some long, bumpy, forgotten paths, but it is always moving and it is always changing and we have no choice but to move and change with it. Time waits for no man as they say, and what you choose to do with your time is your choice and yours alone; but don't get too tangled up in the realities of time when it comes to your life. Because all that we really ever fully get to have is this moment - right now - yesterday's gone and tomorrow never comes, so just embrace the moment.
The unpredictability of life is what makes it so exciting, and yet terrifying at the same time. No-one really knows what lies around the next corner and life has a way of blindsiding you, no matter how well you think you can predict the road that stretches out up ahead, chances are that you will find yourself on a completely different pathway that you hadn't even noticed without even knowing how you got there.
And that is what life is like. Life is a tricky thing. It's weird and it's wonderful and we all get to play our parts and change our roles as we move further along the pathway of our lives and uncover new things about ourselves as we do that.
I love that life offers us so many chances to evolve ourselves. At any moment we can change our minds and our ways of thinking, we can embrace a new way of being whenever we want to. Everyday is another chance, another go around if you will, and with time marching forward, it is important to embrace all of the twists and bends in the road for what they really are; opportunities.
Sometimes opportunity can come in the guise of misfortune and that can make it really hard to see the lesson for what it is, but I really do believe that all of life, every day of it, is filled with endless opportunity. And by opportunity I don't just mean 'things' presenting themselves, I mean the opportunity to change the way we view things. An opportunity to see things with fresh eyes, perhaps with more clarity, more openness or more willingness. That is the opportunity that I am speaking of, the opportunity to live life to the full. To embrace life for all of its beauty and its ugliness, for its perfections and its failures and for everything that falls in between as well. 
When you can truly do that, then that is when you really begin living life to the fullest. That is when your life is complete; when you have not only made your peace with the winding road, but when you also love it for being as wild, unpredictable and filled with opportunity as it is,  and that I believe is the essence of life, and it is wonderful. 

For three days from sunset on June 20th the Mid-Winter Solstice occurs. It is sometimes also called Yule or Alban Arthuan, and it's origins pre-date all organised religions. When early humans first saw the sun at its lowest point and all of the earth's vegetation was dead or dying, they feared that the light of the sun and life would not return to them. A tradition of lighting great bonfires began; lit torches would decorate evergreen trees that had been dragged into caves and homes (that's how the humble Christmas tree got its beginnings) and loved ones would gather in closely to shelter from the cold and gaze upon the light from those torches to remind themselves that light would return again one day soon and the earth would be green again.
These days it is clearly nothing nearly as dramatic as that, because science has taught us that the Mid-winter Solstice simply symbolizes the least amount of daylight hours, or the darkest days of the year. The sun never really gets very high in the sky at this time of the year, so the dawn occurs much later and the sunsets much earlier, making things seem very dreary indeed. On the upside, once we are past the darkest days we have much to look forward to. Days will now begin to get longer, the earth will start to awaken from it's Autumn and Winter slumbering and slowly, day by day we will move towards the warmer and brighter moments of Spring.
Every year Helen and I get together to celebrate this turning of the season, it has become somewhat of a tradition for us. This year we made a variety of homemade soups and a butterscotch pudding to enjoy by the light of many candles with a few generous libations of good wine. There is nothing like the comfort of home, a good friend, a loving family, some homemade comfort food, tasty wine and a cosy environment to push back the darkness and to keep you heading forward towards brighter days. For that I am truly blessed, because without these comforts in my life right now, this Mid-Winter Solstice would have swallowed me whole. 

SPIRITED AWAY 
Release Date: 2001
Rating: PG
Running Time: 125 mins
Hayao Miyazaki brings to life all of magic and intrigue of another world in this visually pleasing animation movie. If you are looking for PIXAR then don't look here, this is a delicate body of work with a whimsical soundtrack that enhances the refined animation style.
The film follows the adventures of 10 year old Chihiro as she delves into a fantasy world full of spirits, she's on a quest to save her parents who have been turned into pigs by the evil witch Yubaba. She encounters many weird and wonderful characters through her employment at the spirit bath house and must call on her inner courage and bravery, to overcome the many challenges that stand between her reunification with her parents. 
It is an intelligent piece of children's cinema and perplexing even to some adults,  a worthy watch. 
FINAL SAY: You'll be spirited away.
4.5 Chilli Peppers ​

Got together with Zoe and my mum and dad to celebrate this year's Mother's Day.  Had a lovely lunch and then went to see Wicked at Her Majesty's Theatre, which I absolutely loved! My favourite Ballarat production to date, it was just terrific. The costumes and sets were dynamite and the voices of the two lead roles were absolutely electric, I actually got shivers! I really enjoyed it and so did everyone else. 
I was really spoilt this Mother's Day. Zoe bought me a gorgeous turquoise ring, Craig and Seth gave me a delicate white orchid, I got breakfast in bed, had lunch out and went to the theatre, what a wonderful way to spend the day. Mother's Day is most definitely a 'spoil day' for me every year and it always makes me feel very loved and appreciated by my darlings. I get enough fuzzy feelings to see me through the darker days every Mother's Day and I do appreciate all of the extra good stuff that comes my way on that day. 
In general, I do think that mothers (although celebrated on Mother's Day) usually receive the crappiest end of the shit stick. I know that I often feel pretty under-appreciated in the humdrum cycles and monotonous routines that being a mother seems to generate. Mums are expected to bear the brunt of their offspring far more than fathers are ever expected to. For example, when things go 'wrong' with a child, everyone always looks at the mother first, like it is inherently her fault that the child has gone bad.
​The pressure to be a good mother begins before children are even born these days, and once the child is out - boom! The pressure is really on! Not only do mothers need to behave, look and dress a certain way, they also need to be able to breastfeed really well and keep a home immaculate, cook better than Gordon Ramsay and get that hideous postpartum physique back into shape ASAP! And it just goes on and on forever like that, different pressures at different times, but generally it is a relentless gauntlet of expectations. 
Also, after a baby had exited your vagina, you are only really allowed to be one of two things. Traditionally mumsy or Kim Kardashian MILFY, everything else is just not cutting it, it's mediocre and not really respected by society or the mums that already fit into one of those two acceptable mother modes. But mostly what it is, is bullshit! Mothers have so much ridiculous pressure forced upon them by the media and society these days to conform to one of those two tightly wound pigeon holes of existence, that is no wonder that so many women suffer from postnatal depression and anxieties related to being a mother. 
Women are already terrifically good at beating themselves up and feeling like they are not enough, the last thing that they need is even more pressure when it comes to being a good mother. I have said it once before and I am going to say it again, there is no such thing as a perfect mother. We all fuck up and make mistakes, we all second guess ourselves and none of us immune to the wrath of the media on how we should parent.
The real truth is that most mothers, like 85% of them, are just doing the best that they can to try and raise normal healthy members of society and to be there for their kids as best that they can, and when you are doing that 24/7 it is actually more than enough; seriously - it's enough. 
So yeah, let's celebrate mums on Mother's Day - all of them, the weird and wild ones, the sweet and humble ones, the sexy and sassy ones and the cute and cuddly ones - today we salute you all! Go forth life bringers and never be afraid to be a mother that breaks down stereotypes and kicks down the walls of societal expectation, because you deserve to be whoever you want to be - after all, you're already a mother, so there's nothing that you cannot do!

Kids can be such relentlessly vicious little fuckers. I have just about had my fill of nasty dickhead kids being assholes to other kids. It is just brutal. The shit that some kids say to each other and think that it is okay, it's just horrific! What the hell goes on in the households of these children? Seriously, I do wonder, where does all of this hostility and meanness come from?
Children lack any sort of finesse or bedside manner when it comes to delivering their emotions and needs, and it is fairly reasonable for that to happen when children are quite young, it's all a natural and unfortunate part of the growing up process, I totally get that. However, when you get to Year 6 and higher and you are still saying shit like "no-one likes you dickhead, everyone hates you, go away" you need a high five - to the face - with a chair as far as I am concerned. What kind of an asshole goes around saying things like that and thinks that it is okay? And that is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the mean things that I know that kids say to each other, because I am hearing some pretty whack shit lately, and I am over it! 
Parents have a bloody responsibility to teach their children about important life virtues like kindness, honesty, patience and respect. The old 'do unto others' certainly doesn't come into play much these days, I can tell you. It's all dog eat dog from what I can garner, both in person and online. Seriously, you practically need to be a bulletproof pre-teen to survive  the onslaught of ugly behaviours these days.
We all know that mean kids can also grow up to be pretty mean adults in the future, which is also a really disturbing thought. Some of these kids scare me now! They have the manipulative skills of a well trained psychologist and the ruthlessness of assassins, I worry about how that is going to look for me when I am old and need to be cared for, but mostly I worry about my son and how all of this will impact the kind of man that he will one day become. 
Both of my children and myself were bullied at one point or another during our school years, and sometimes I wonder if it is the 'unusual' in us that has been the source of all these problems. My children are both pretty unique and headstrong individuals, because I raised them to be that way, and I often think that maybe if I had raised more 'go with flow' mainstream kids then their struggles would be lessened. Nah, I could never sleep at night if I didn't encourage my kids to be themselves and be willing to step up, even if it risks being singled out. However, being different or unique doesn't win you brownie points at school and it certainly seems to put a target on your back when it comes to bullies.   
Bullies aren't new though, they've been around forever, and maybe it is just because I am an adult now that I am more aware of the presence of these insidious little dirtbags. I just don't remember kids being so relentless and deeply damaged when I was younger, even supposedly 'nice' kids are not really that nice at all. I am often shocked by the behaviours and utterances that I hear about, and I really feel quite sad that kids have to endure such hatred and prejudice in their formative years. 
I guess that it is a right of passage to come against some wanker that is going to try and make you feel like shit about yourself in order to make themselves feel larger on the road to adulthood, but no-one likes the thought of their child going through it. It is one of the least enjoyable aspects of parenting that's for sure. It is difficult to not get emotionally entangled yourself when you hear about some of things that go on around the school yard when no adults are around; but we all know that it happens, it was happening back in our day too. 
Yep, it's enough to make a mum want to go to war! Luckily for those horrid bully kids I'm a pacifist, so there will be no bloodshed here. However, some days when I catch wind of something unpleasant or malicious brewing, I secretly do wish to see all of the vicious little fuckers get their comeuppances in a rather swift and unpleasant form....but only some days. 

Well into the second week of first Term and I have pretty much worked out what my main challenges are going to be from here on in. My biggest and most major hurdle is definitely going to be stifling the control freak within me and not overthinking every fricken thing. Sounds simple enough, but it is so hard for a freak like me. 
After five weeks of pretty much total withdrawal from society, zening around doing yoga and feeling like bloody guru swarmee, I am finding that my ability to re-adjust and compensate for so many other people's needs has dropped; substantially I might add. Boo to me, it's so difficult to be zen around so many children, but I am trying really hard. The introvert in me is going bonkers!
I am also sure that I am driving the teachers that I work with absolutely nuts as well because I am asking so many questions and seeking so much clarity. Go with the flow I am not, and it has made me a bit shitty with myself for not just stepping back and being a bit more chilled out. Even though my efforts to be organized do come from the right place, I am even starting to annoy myself with all the bullshit.
​It's just so weird to go from virtually no activity to pretty much zero down time and an overabundance of input, the contrast always screws with me for the first few weeks until I can level out again. I feel like I want to hightail it and run back to my zen cave of withdrawal, but I have already made the choice to stop running away from things, so running away is not an option, and besides, I need my job! I'm gonna have to find a way to suck it up, keep calm and carry on - and leave my own anxieties and pedantic bullshit at the door on the way in. 
Think I may need some help from Mr Jamiesons this weekend, a little Irish courage should serve me well. 

It never really feels like a proper Summer unless you have had a trip to the beach, and in Victoria we are pretty spoilt for choice. With The Surf Coast and The Great Ocean Road just over an hour away from us, it seems stupid to not take at least one trip to the coast for a generous whiff of salty air and a dip in the cool sea waters.
Swimming in the ocean is one of my absolute favourite things to do in the Summer-time. I love to put my back to the pounding waves and to feel the perfect weightlessness as the salt water sweeps you off your feet. I like to just float around on the ocean water, letting it buffet me about in the sunshine. Absolute heaven! The ocean is most definitely one of my favourite forces of nature, and swimming in it on a hot day is second to none. 
The salt water is excellent for your skin, and the hot sand is the best free exfoliator for the feet; there are just so many health benefits to hitting the ocean waves for a few hours, both physically and mentally. Every time that I go to the seaside I wonder why I have not been for so long and curse myself for not going more regularly throughout the year. It is most definitely a place of healing and relaxation. 
Zoe and Lachlainn also joined us on the sand dunes in an attempt to escape yeaterdays 40 degree heat, but it really never seems that hot at the beach, not with the cool coastal breezes blowing in. In fact the heat is often very deceptive at the coast, making it very easy to get tricked and burnt to a crisp is you're not being sunsmart. 
I think that I will have to indulge in at least one more day at the beach before the Summer break ends, it was just so lovely to be re-united with the ocean and that sweet salty air once again. 

I have been watching so many TV series lately, apparently I have become a TV addict.
There is actually a thing called TV addiction, it isn't a fantasy, apparently it is very real and after reading the symptoms, well it is safe to say that I definitely have it. Do I care? Fuck no I don't! I've given up just about everything else this year, I'll be fucked if I'm going to give up TV and movies as well. 
If you have any of the following symptoms, you too may have an addiction to TV:

• Appearance of withdrawal symptoms when watching is cut-off or suspended
• Lack of self control when it comes to limiting time in front of the TV
• Giving up "real world" activities in favour of "TV time"

Well, it's a big old tick for me on all counts there. Yes, I get antsy if my show is suddenly cut off or interrupted, who wouldn't? Yes, I lack self control with the amount that I watch, it's nothing for me to binge on a whole series in a day or two if it really lights my fire. And giving up "real world" activities to tune out with a movie or TV program keeps me sane, if I couldn't tune out the real world regularly with some quality fiction viewing, I would definitely be getting all stabby, and no-one wants that. 
​Why does everything that we enjoy doing have to come under the microscope? Why are so called experts continual making me feel guilty about every fricken thing I do? I am so tired of having to justify every little addiction that I have. There are certain things that no amount of badgering or health warning will ever take away from me, and one of those things is definitely TV and movies.
On top of movies and TV series, I am still addicted to loads of others things that aren't good for me when I think about it. Like sugar, salt, whiskey, butter, dark chocolate, cheese, B-Grade horror movies and staying up way too late. And sometimes I even (God forbid!) mix my addictions together! AHHH..... the scandal! 
However, I do try to balance it all out with good addictions like yoga, journaling, getting up early, flossing everyday, drinking herbal tea, eating a balanced gluten-free diet, drinking lots of water, taking multivitamins, pottering around in the garden, creating art and laughing my arse off everyday, and most importantly loving others and letting others love me back. 
So seriously, everyone can just calm the fuck down with their guilt ridden addiction talk. I don't need to be addiction free, I don't think anyone does. It's okay to have some flaws, it's totally normal and okay to succumb to your desires every now and then. We should all do what feels good for us every now and then without feeling guilty. As long as you are balancing it out, then I don't see what all the fuss is about. It's all about balance, guilt free pleasure is what makes life so bearable and joyful.  
So I'll say it out loud and proud - I am addicted to many, many things....especially TV and movies....and I don't feel even a little bit bad about saying that. 

Essentially a scarab beetle is just a dung beetle that the Egyptian people worshiped, and like all dung beetles they spend a great deal of time rolling balls of shit around and trying to get it to fit into places that it shouldn't be. This kind of dung rolling takes a lot of effort, it requires scarabs to use their whole self to get things going, and it is not unusual for a dung ball to roll right over the top of a scarab during the rolling process.
In my line of work, I often feel just like that scarab beetle, pushing shit uphill only to be mowed over by it moments later. I suppose that everyone feels a bit like a scarab beetle at work from time to time, I just seem to feel that way an awful lot lately, and it sucks.
​Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be the most powerful person a room for a change instead of the least powerful one all of the time. I wonder if the powerful players of the world ever feel like scarab beetles in their line of work, but I seriously doubt that they would. I bet that they have crushed a lot of scarab beetles like me on their way to the top though. 
It is days like these that make me feel very small and insignificant in the world, and for that reason - I hate days like these. These are the days that leave you second guessing yourself, questioning all of your choices and wondering if there is more to life than what you are experiencing; all the while knowing with a painful completeness that there really is so much more, and that you have fallen way short of your own potential and that you only have the rest of your life to contemplate that agonizing reality. Yep, one of those days....
And in true scarab beetle fashion, tomorrow I will resume work on my dung pile, I will smile while I do it and I will convince myself that I am making a difference, because if I didn't do that I would just self destruct under the weight of my own insignificance.
When you are very small in the big wide world, you absolutely must find joy in the small things, or else you are just doomed. Generally, I am very good at doing that, but today not so much. 
​Now I know why I binge drink. 

One of the unfortunate side effects of not having anyone you can really trust or confide in as a kid, is that you have to work everything out for yourself. My siblings were always pretty forthright about not liking me very much as a kid, and whenever I did put my trust in them growing up, I was always rewarded with broken confidences and a lot of hot water as a consequence.
In turn, that meant that I made a shit load more mistakes along the road to becoming an adult than the average person has made, or needed to make, in order to become a reasonably functioning member of society. I did find myself in a lot more trouble, and I did continue to do things that others saw as 'stupid shit' and I did hate myself for being such a chronic fuck up, especially throughout my early teenage years, when the tests and the mistakes seemed to come at their thickest and fastest. 
If no-one is watching out for your best interests or helping you with the decision making, you will screw up colossally and regularly. I was a total fuck up in my early teens, I swung between self involved and stupid, and I did some tremendously dangerous and dumb things along the way. But what I did have going for me, was the fact that I learnt from my mistakes. I never made the same mistake twice, but I did have a lot of first time fuck ups. Fortunately I dodged a few bullets as well, and I found my feet eventually, so I was one of the lucky ones. 
It's the kids that never learnt from their mistakes that scared me the most growing up, they were the real rebels in my mind. They were the ones who would step over the line and then jump over it three more times,  even after they had been caught. These were the kids that did not seem to have any conscience or any thought about the consequences or ripple effects that they were creating. They were the kids that weren't just being stupid, they were being outright bad arses without a thought for tomorrow or any other moment to come.
​I have known a few kids like that in my lifetime, and they grew up to be really scary adults. I also know for a fact that they were never supervised or instructed by anyone responsible when they were growing up, and that they have perpetuated that cycle in an almost textbook like fashion. 
You see, you can find out about the world by yourself, but it isn't fun or pretty. However, if you lack the skills to learn from your own mistakes as you go, well then you're just doomed really. Nothing that I know of can ever really fix that level of broken in a person, I think that it can't ever really be repaired. And I suppose that the skill to learn from my mistakes was the only thing that pull me back from a doomed future. I have to say that I am grateful that my parents managed to generate a sense of self ownership for my actions and a nagging conscience in me, because when all's said and done, it really did save me on so many occasions from a terrible fate. 

The staff retreat turned out to be a lovely and cathartic experience, loads of time to reflect and meditate, I actually found the entire thing quite zen and appreciated the opportunity to escape the daily grind. I have been noticing that I am on a bit of spiritual retreat in general at the moment. I find that I become quite easily overwhelmed in social situations lately, and have been suffering from a type of syndrome that I like to call "fish out of water." 
This does happen to me from time to time, I feel the need to be alone and find being around people virtually intolerable. This can come off badly, so it is always best for me to just retreat and seek some alone time. When I am in these types of modes, I find myself extremely intolerant to the plight of others, their complaints appear whiny and mostly self indulgent to me, so I can be curt and extremely insensitive without meaning to be. I also find that small talk has the effect of nails on a chalkboard when I get like this and I generally find myself tuning out and seeking the nearest exit. In short, I am not good to be around, and I am old enough to recognize the need for retreat in my own self now, so I know that there is no point in making myself do anything social until the moment passes. 
Perhaps it is the plight of all introverts to feel like this, but to be honest I find these feelings of anti-socialism perplexing and uncomfortable myself, is it normal to not to want to be around anyone for long periods? A week with no phone, no visitors and no human interaction with anyone apart from my immediate family sounds like heaven to me right now, is it wrong to feel this way? I do feel guilty when I get in one of these moods, but there is honestly nothing that I can do to stop it from happening, it just comes out of nowhere and if I don't heed the call to retreat I continue to get worse and worse and I just become a complete and utter bitch. Perhaps it has nothing to do with being an introvert and everything to do with being slightly unhinged, but it is what it is, and I can do nothing about it but surrender, own it and retreat to a quiet corner until I come good again... which I know I will do....eventually. 

I have to go away tomorrow for a staff event and training session, this event - or 'retreat' as work likes to call it,  only happens once every two years but requires the logistical co-ordination of a well planned army attack from my end in order for me to go. It is times like this that I realise that my life has so much predictability and routine that I can literally give Craig a blow by blow detailed list of what he needs to do in my absence to ensure that everything continues to run like clock work in my absence. 
Considering that he only needs to organise one child, a rather senile old cat and an overweight guinea pig in my absence, which I know that he is more than capable of doing, I still feel obliged to leave him a list as long as my arm.
In the mornings, Craig generally only has to concern himself with himself, and no-one else, which is really fair enough when you consider that he is generally already gone when I rise at 6am. He doesn't need to think about things like school drop offs, uniforms and lunch boxes, he doesn't need to ask "have you brushed your teeth yet?" fourteen times in half an hour or wonder whether the cat has any water in her bowl, I do all of that stuff because my starting time is much later than his. 
Now I don't want to say that he is clueless, because he is certainly not, but the devil is in the details and he is not great at remembering all of the little things that need to occur to ensure that it is smooth sailing. Sending Seth to school with unbrushed teeth is hardly the end of the world, but no lunch and a pissed off incontinent cat can be mighty inconvenient. 
I know that I should just relinquish all control and let him do whatever, but the thought of coming home to a shit-storm after retreat doesn't exactly spin my tyres, so nah, he's getting a list whether he wants one or not! 
God I look forward to not being such a routine driven slag in my old age, what adventures I will have when I am no longer a slave to obligation and the clock, makes me think of a movie that I saw recently. 

We all long to belong.
It's in our nature as humans to live in cohabitation, we just aren't designed to walk our paths alone. Everyone wants to feel loved and accepted for being who they are, and we all have the desire to feel welcomed and part of something bigger than ourselves. Basically, we all want to belong to a tribe, some circle of community that embraces us in a most complete and satisfying way. 
For many people, their tribe is their family, their closest relatives that know them better than anyone else and accept them warts and all. Not all of us have this privilege, some of us have definitely never felt like we belonged with our own kin and kind, and this leads to a feeling of being set adrift - a lone wanderer without a tribe, and for anyone out there who has experienced this feeling before, you will understand just how difficult it can be at times.
My sister recently returned safely from Afghanistan (thank goodness) and we got into a lengthy discussion about the struggles that we both had trying to find a new tribe when we felt so disconnected from our own kin. We both agreed that we would not have grown nearly as much if we had not found other tribes to run with, but we also agreed that finding a tribe that genuinely fits is tremendously difficult.
Finding a tribe that will accept you warts and all is even harder again, so the odds were really stacked against us. My sister found her tribe in the army, they embraced her and helped her to grow and against all adversity she has become a well rounded person, she found her tribe and she then found herself. 
I think that I gave up on ever finding a tribe for a long time, sure I dipped my foot into the friendship pool many times, but many of those people came and went over the years, they were band-aids, they were never my tribe.
​I think that I made my own tribe in the end. I met my mate, we made some people to love and care for and they became our tribe and along the way we picked up various good people and like minded family members to join our circle, coming and going from the tribe as they wish, but always in our thoughts. 
Having a tribe is work, you have to keep your tribe tight and close in order for it to flourish. You have to reach out to those in your tribe and tell them how much they mean to you, you have to be there for them and you have to be willing to go on a limb for them - anytime and often on a whim. The effort is always outweighed by that overwhelmingly grand feeling of belonging, of having a tribe that you really belong to. I tell you, having come from a tribe-less place, I wouldn't be without mine now for all of the tea in China. You have never really lived until you have royally fucked up and had your tribe tell you that they not only forgive you, but love you just the same. There is really no better feeling in the world. 

The time had arrived again to gather and make a multitude of gyoza with a bunch of family and friends to celebrate the Chinese New Year. This time our festivities extended to 12 people, so we are getting a bigger gathering every year, which is fantastic, and everyone always pitches in a hand with the menu and the labour, so it really does feel like a communal effort. 
We had chicken, vegetarian, pork, lamb and beef gyoza varieties, which we boiled, steamed, fried and even smoked (accidentally when my bamboo steamer caught on fire) which offered a good variation in texture and taste. Bottom line - delicious! And extremely filling, by the time we mowed through three varieties of Chinese desserts (coconut jelly with mango, coconut sago pudding and pineapple, coconut sorbet), everyone was mellow and full and ready to crack out the fortune cookies. Another successful evening of chopsticks, red lanterns, many laughs and good company. 
We had two 'monkeys' in our midst for the evening, Helen and Seth are both moving into 'their year' of the Chinese Zodiac this year. Interestingly, every female that was present had just started in a new role within their workplace, which is probably just a coincidence, but still, could be seen as somewhat auspicious. My fortune, like it is every year, was highly esoteric, alluding to the fact that I am supposed to act with mindfulness in everything I do. Not really an easy task to do, but probably quite poignant since I am trying to be more mindful and 'in the moment' this year, but seriously, mindfulness all the time? That is impossible! I think that 'more' mindfulness will be something that I will aim for, not constant mindfulness, that would just make me crazy.
As we move into the Year of the 'Red Fire' Monkey, it is a time to be smart, wily and vigilant, and it's also a good year to get your financial house in order - according to Chinese Astrology. I myself am a Wooden Tiger, and if I go by my 2016 predictions, this is not really going a favorable money year for me at all - to which I say - what else is new? Judging by the lousy amount of bills that I have piling up, my ship has already set sail for broke-town. But anyway who cares? Money comes and goes, it's health and love that I really care about, and I have that in buckets, so hoo-rah for me! 

So the saga with my dad didn't actually end at my last blog entry as I had hoped, and just as I had predicted, he shouldn't have left the hospital as soon as he did. Less than 12 hours after taking him home, he was being rushed back to hospital again to be strapped up to every device imaginable and poked around for a second time. 
Thankfully, in the end it was not a major problem, it was just a problem with his heart medications which were causing him to become out of breath and excessively fatigued, so after another two days of tests and monitoring, I returned him home yesterday for the second time. Hopefully now, this time around,  peace will truly come to the valley for I am now tired beyond all good reasoning. I am also well and truly over playing 'voice of reason' for my mother and sister who decided to get particularly vicious towards each other by the end of it all, so my theory of this all bringing us closer together was pretty pie in the sky. 
I did have New Year's Eve to myself, with dad back in hospital and mum allowing some reprieve by going home for a couple of days, I spent the evening on the deck with Craig and the kids, going hard at oblivion and succeeding beautifully.
​With a nice little hangover trailing behind me, I spent the first morning of the year alone by my father's hospital bed. This was the first time that I have been alone with my dad in many, many years and the conversation that we shared was extremely cathartic to the both of us. That morning may have been the only good thing to be gleaned from this awful and terrifying experience, and it may be one of the last times that I ever get to spend time alone with him. It is strange what a near death experience can do to a person, and for a while there, he wasn't even a shadow of the grumpy, easily tempered father of my youth, he was just an old man sharing his time with me. Those moments of quiet chatter were good for my soul. When someone you love almost dies, you learn to appreciate the small moments, they are suddenly so much more meaningful than they would've been before.
As the new year now stretches out like a lazy cat before me, I contemplate what I want to get done this year, and for the first time in many years I don't feel like I need to set myself an ultimate goal this time. I just want to keep living in the moment and finding more zen in the everyday things - just let it all happen as it happens. I am not making plans, not setting myself up for struggle or failure, but just taking it all one day at a time, one moment at a time. I know that I will continue to accomplish and learn because it is my nature to do so, I will never be satisfied to stay the same and not grow, but this year, I am going to let experiences come to me, and I will embrace them openly and willingly. This year I am going to allow myself to wander off road without a map.....no plans, no destinations.....let's just see where that takes me. 

IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE 
Release Date: 2000
Rating: PG
Running Time: 98 mins 
This is a love story for adults, a film about being completely aware of your feelings but being adult enough to not have to act on every impulse. This is one of the most hypnotic and beautifully detailed movies that I have seen in along time, from the gorgeous costuming to the dramatic city streetscapes, I just adored the flow and lush tone of this film. 
Set in 1962, two lonely neighbours form a strong bond when they realise that both of their spouses are being unfaithful. They vow to keep their relationship platonic, because they do not wish to perpetuate the disrespect that their spouses have shown them. 
A Chinese language film, made in Hong Kong and directed by Wong Kar-wai, In The Mood For Love in it's original Chinese title means "the age of blossoms" or "the flowery years" which is a Chinese metaphor for the fleeting time of youth, beauty and love, which should give you some idea about the romantic nature of this film. The movie premiered at the 2000 Cannes Film Festival and was nominated for the Palme d'Or, it has since gone to be regarded as one of the best romance movies to have ever been made. 
FINAL SAY: He remembers those vanished years.
4 Chili Peppers 

Seriously looks like I am blogging from the future, since Weebly is having a brain fart and none of the dates on my blog match real time, no matter what I do. I have let my website providers know about this, to which they replied, 'we are aware and we are trying to fix it'. Try harder I say, it makes me look like an incompetent dick when it appears that I can't even set the date of my blog to the right year, let alone the right month and day. 
But in truth, I am actually reaching out to you all from the future...and I have an important message for you all....twelve months from now you will be more disappointed about the things that you didn't do, than you will be excited about the things that you did do. Too grim? Okay, hows about....twelve months from now you will be overwhelmed by an urge to give Barb all of your money and worldly possessions. Too selfish? Something in the middle. 
Twelve months from now you will have seen this movie because it was recommended on a super cool blog from the future and you will concur, yes Barb, you were right, that movie was bloody awesome. 
Too egotistical? Too bad, just watch this movie, it is excellent - future blogger says so! 

CALVARY
Release Date: 2014
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 102 mins
An Irish drama, written and directed by John Michael McDonagh, Calvary plays out a bit like a murder-mystery, in a very high brow way. Full of intense beauty, dark humour and extreme ugliness, I found myself captivated and repulsed by the intensely unlikable characters and the magical Irish landscapes. 
Father James (Brendan Gleeson) is a good and grounded catholic priest in a small coastal Irish town. One of the members of the parish anonymously comes to confession to warn Father James that due to the abuse that he suffered as a child at the hands of the church, he plans to seek his revenge by killing the priest in just over a weeks time. Father James has his suspicions about who is planning to kill him, but the struggles of the rest of his community and his family continue to draw all of his attentions away from the real problem at hand. 
Brendan Gleeson is tremendously good as Father James, portraying a priest with an insurmountable amount of challenges with good humour and genuine sensitivity. This is really profound and powerful viewing, and a fabulous ensemble cast brings it all home perfectly making Calvary a fabulous slice of drama and intrigue.  
FINAL SAY: It's just that you have no integrity. And that's the worst thing that I could say about anybody. 
4 Chili Peppers