At this stage, I would say that I have experienced the highs and lows of any new journey. I have had good days and bad days. I have lost two kilos on the scales, which is not a lot but it is consistent progress that equates to half a kilo a week. I have not been strict or restrictive with myself because if I make the journey too hard I know that I will quit, slip or give up. If I get hungry I eat, I am not starving myself or being ridiculous. I am not trying to get thin, I am trying to get back to a healthy BMI because I want longevity and best health for life.
You may have noticed that after I posted about my re-commitment to wellness, I posted about the Stages of Healing, about the process of change and the stages that we have to go through to make real life changes. I wrote about that because I have been going though those stages since I re-committed. I have had a pretty deep dive into why I feel the need to be a certain size and weight and why I cannot accept myself as I am. I mean, it's not like a few extra kilos has made me sick or incapable, on the contrary, I am healthy as a horse, rarely ever getting ill and I have an abundance of energy and a great mindset. I have also been investigating what has led me to fail time and time again to keep the weight off that I have lost so many times before, am I on a cycle of self sabotage and if so, why?
And I have come to understand that it is not my fault that staying lean is hard for me, I honestly don't think that I meant to be lean. This is why I am not looking for lean, or skinny or thin, because I also know without a shadow of doubt that being lighter or thinner will not make me better, happier or more complete. In the end all that it will do is drop me into the healthy BMI range, which is literally only around a stone of weight difference, so why all the fuss? Do people like me less for being heavier? Does my husband love me less? Do I have less opportunities? No, no and no to all of these.
However, I did like feeling lighter and knowing that I was in my healthy weight range. I did like that my clothes felt better on me and things on my body looked tighter when I looked in the mirror. I did enjoy being able to wear more flattering outfits. However, in saying all of this, I know that it sounds and seems so stupid and shallow. I never care about other people's body shapes and genuinely believe that all bodies are good bodies. I know full well that no-one is just the size on their dress label or the number on their scales, so why does it bother me so much about myself? Why am I so obsessed with my own physical inadequacies at the moment?
You see what I mean? I am deep in the Stages of Healing with all of this. I know that for longevity, I must stay within a heathy BMI range, that is a fact. On the other hand, I also know that a healthy BMI range doesn't necessarily constitute a 'be all end all' when it comes to the 'wellness' scale. It is literally just a number on a scale and doesn't really tell a person anything more about their wellness than their weight; it doesn't consider mental wellness, relationship happiness or general lust for life does it? And I have those things in buckets, and yet here I am writing about eight kilos of weight like it is going to change me profoundly. Which I know it won't because I got down there less than 3 years ago and it didn't make me better than I am now.
However, I have worked my arse off on improving myself. I have put in countless hours to get my mental, emotional, relationship, spiritual and intellectual health in good order. I have done the Stages of Healing on myself over and over and over. I have shed my skin, bared my soul and completely re-invented my life from the steaming shit pile that it once was and I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. And I honestly feel like getting back into my healthy weight range will be the last rung on a ladder of self improvement that I have been climbing for almost a decade now. Every other time that I have lost the weight and then it put it back on again was because I lacked some other important aspect of the self, some vital piece of the puzzle that needed to be put into place first. Well not this time, this time I am ready.
As I said previously, this time I am not looking for quick fixes or diets or fad fixers. I am looking for a lifestyle change that will mean that I don't need to keep trying to get to my healthy BMI, I will get there and I will stay there this time. Slowly and surely and trusting the process along the way, I will get there. I have officially moved out of denial and shock and I now have recognition, I recognise what needs to be done and I know that I have the fortitude to do it. So yeah, that's where I am on the journey. I am in recognition mode, soon to be acceptance I believe. I'm on the road again, I'm working to improve myself again, I'm putting one foot in front of the other and I will get there.
I'm smoothing out my triangle of sadness....don't know what that means? Well, check out the movie and see for yourself.
Release Date: 2022
Running Time: 147 mins
A drama with a speckling of black humour that was written and directed by Ruben Östlund in his English-language feature film debut. Triangle of Sadness takes some seriously unexpected twists and turns and is broken into three very distinctly different parts.
A bickering model couple find themselves out at sea on a luxury cruise aboard a superyacht that is chock full of extremely wealthy and influential people. The captain spends most of his time drunk and hiding in his cabin, and when the yacht passes through a particularly severe storm things go from bad to worst rapidly.
This film is pretty unhinged, mostly whacky and at times desperately funny. It takes loads of swipes at the obscenely affluent and although none of the motely crew of characters are particularly likeable, this is still very entertaining. The ensemble cast is tremendously good throughout, elevating the storyline and delivering what may be the most original and grotesquely enjoyable film of 2022.
FINAL SAY: In Den Wolken!
4 Chilli Peppers