Did you ever think that you would be alive to see a pandemic? Of course you didn't,  because we all think that major tragedies like global pandemics and world wars are the sorts of things that only happened in the past and certainly not during our modern and civilized times. And yet, here we all are in various states of isolation, silently watching on from our windows as the world seems to fall apart around us. And even though history allowed us to see the patterns of time that showed us that another worldwide flu would arrive again (just like it has every other 100 years or so) to create widespread damage and havoc. We still, in spite of our better knowledge, just weren't prepared enough for this on a global scale. And for that reason we were too slow to respond, too inexperienced to know how to deal with it and in some parts of the world, absolutely shit at containing it. 
COVID-19 has now officially changed every person's life on the planet in some way, shape or form. No-one can really say that they have not felt the effects of COVID-19 and be telling the truth, because it is impossible to not be feeling the effects in some way. Even if it is only something as basic as the way that you shop, things are not the same, things are different and people are behaving differently as well. Never before have I looked at people going to events, out for dinner or engaging in simple gatherings in movies or on TV with such an intense longing. The simple act of being out for coffee at a cafe or walking through the gardens and seeing children playing happily or having a gathering of friends and family around for a meal or a drink; these things all seem incredibly desirable and appealing in ways that they have never been before. 
And what this has all made me realise is, that not only do we take all of this freedom and socialisation for granted most of the time, but also how desperately we need each other, in ways that we may not have appreciated before. People need people, they just do. We weren't meant to be alone, we aren't designed to be solitary creatures. Humans are meant to roam in packs and being in isolation has made that all the more prevalent for me, and that's a pretty big comment when its coming from an introvert like me because I usually crave isolation and alone time; but clearly too much of it is not ideal for anyone, not even the introverts of the world. 
Sure there may be some people who are still loving all this separation from society, and at first I think that the novelty of it all did seem slightly more magical and ideal than the reality of the situation actually is. I know that there were a lot of people who were high fiving themselves over the possibility of working from home, but now that the reality and the loneliness of that has really sunk in, truth is that it is not easier or more desirable to be at home 24/7. 
For this reason, I have chosen to be on site at work for two days a week, directly working with the children of essential workers. It is actually nice to get away from the confines, routine and monotony of working from home. You can only do so many Google Meets and Zoom conferences before you start to go a little bit bonkers from all of the screen time. And having a reason to go for a drive and get out of the house that isn't related to groceries or exercise is actually a pleasure. Yep, you heard it here, physically going in to work is actually quite pleasurable. I never thought that I would ever say that, but there you have it. Turns out that COVID-19 really has changed me and maybe I am not as much of an introvert as I thought that I was, or maybe this is just a consequence of too much time at home.
I cannot deny it, I sure am missing my regular trips to the movies and the dinners and drinks that usually accompanied those journeys. I guess it is true, you really don't know what you've got 'til it's gone....'cos man oh man I would really love a choc-top ice-cream, a double feature movie in a huge spacious theatre and some friendly face to face, after movie chatter right about now! Ahhh, to brighter days and wider spaces ahead my friends, but in the meantime - stay well and yeah you know, even though you don't want to anymore, stay at home! 

There is nothing like a slow burning apocalypse to really make you re-evaluate your priorities and challenge your optimistic fortitude. Amidst the deep fear and total uncertainty of the COVID-19 pandemic, some things are becoming more and more prevalent and clear to me as the days progress; some of them good and some of them not so good. Let's get the not so good out of the way first, because you know that I always like to end on a high note.
The first and most glaringly obvious negative for us all at the moment would have to be the complete and flagrant disregard for the welfare of others that certain members of the public have been displaying. How people can still justify congregating in public spaces and being out of their homes unnecessarily when there are already 663, 740 people infected worldwide due to their lack of social isolation, is a total mystery to me. But, we all know the old 'lead a horse to water' saying and this is a perfect example of just how stupid and selfish people can actually be in spite of all of the information that is out there to tell them not do these things. 
Some other negatives out in the world right now that are in direct relation to the pandemic, but have very little to do with actually contracting the contagion are things like people losing their jobs, the economy crashing and hospitals around the world not having enough beds or breathing apparatus for the poor infected people that need them. Not having a vaccine is another blazingly obvious crap pile right now, and so is Donald Trump, but to be fair he was a pretty huge negative before all of this happened anyway. 
The world is also exceptionally grim for all of the extroverts because they are having to self manage their inability to socialise. And the people in self denial are being forced to turn and face their own truths whilst in isolation which will no doubt lead to depression, and let's not forget all of the parents of poorly behaved children who are finally discovering just how appalling their children's antics really are during self isolation.
And if that's not all bad enough, the experts predict that domestic abuse, substance abuse and reckless behaviour, crime and looting could become major problems in the future if things keep getting worse, and let's be really honest, things are going to get worse. However, there are some silver linings to be found amidst this giant shit storm if you just know where to look. 
So force yourself to push aside some of the 'hell in a handbag' thoughts, because there are some hidden gems to be found here in this wreckage. Let us now consider the good things that will actually come out of all this chaos, becasue, believe it or not, there are quite a lot of good things to be gleaned during this difficult time (see I told you I was going to finish on a high note). 
Here are some of my 'always look on the bright side' thoughts to consider and keep in mind during these challenging times:

• You will gain an appreciation for all of the little things that you've always taken for granted like the smell of a good coffee, the feel of a warm shower and the beauty of nature. 
• You'll get a renewed respect for your usual levels of freedom and immense choice. You probably didn't really think that going out for dinner and seeing a movie was a very big deal before all of this did you? 
• You'll strengthen your connections with the people in your family and your friends that you care about the most. 
• You'll see people offering support, demonstrating kindness and banding together in ways that communities can only do through mutual struggle. Don't be surprised if you get your faith in humanity restored sometime down the track. 
• You'll learn new skills, take up new hobbies and finally catch up on reading all of those books you've stockpiled and all TV series that you wanted to see during self isolation. 
• You will build your own resilience as you tackle and manage your own difficult and challenging emotions. 
• You'll be less of a slave to the clock and the expectations of a western society, which if you can learn to embrace, will make you feel a lot more liberated and in control of your own life. 
• You'll be able to have more quality time with your family doing fun things like puzzles, crafts, cooking, exercising and just talking and sharing experiences and ideas. 
• You will come to realise that you are in control of how much COVID-19 exposure you want to have, so if you really can't cope with all the information because it's too stressful, guess what? You can choose to opt out and go offline. 
• You'll become more inventive and resourceful as you bravely navigate the challenges of each day, one day at a time. 
• You can wear tracksuits and beanies everyday! You even have the power to go bra-less! And remember that you don't need to wear makeup, perfume or shave under your armpits either - no-one will even know! 

NOTHING TO HIDE
Release Date: 2018
Rating: MA 15+ 
Running Time: 90 mins 
A French comedy/ drama directed by Fred Cavaye and adapted from the 2016 Italian film Perfect Strangers by Paolo Genovese. I myself have not seen the original, but apparently they are practically identical so if you have already seen Perfect Strangers you might want to give Nothing to Hide a miss.
Several friends at a dinner party decide to play a revealing game in the name of transparency. Everyone places their mobile phones on the table face up and agree to make all texts, messages and calls received completely public in an attempt to prove that they have nothing to hide from each other. 
As the secrets and motivations of the characters start to spill out, the story gets more convoluted and a lot more interesting as well, and although this is hardly riveting or very believable viewing, it is definitely engaging and the cast to do a tremendously good job of playing out their roles with conviction and sincerity. 
At only 90 minutes in length, Nothing to Hide offers is a short and sweet 'fly on the wall' romp into the lives of others that has an unusual and unforeseeable twist right at the end, that I am still not sure if I really liked to be honest. 
FINAL SAY: If I show you mine, you show me yours. 
3 Chilli Peppers ​

I went into self isolation this week; started it on Monday 23rd March at 4pm. I was not told that I had to do this, it was a choice that I made for myself and my family. The children at my work all finished school on Monday due to a mandated early school holiday break and suddenly the opportunity arose for me to remove myself from society and limit my exposure to COVID-19. So here I am, in a self chosen self isolation situation. 
I do realise that I could be in a mandated lock down situation in the future that could last a lot longer than 14 days, but after this initial 14 days at least I can be assured that I am clear of any possible infection, which will then put me in a position to better care for those around me. 
I currently have three elderly parents in my life. My mother who was widowed in November and is still adjusting to a single life reality and my two in-laws who both have seriously compromised immune systems due to illness and radiation therapy. What things will look like for them over the coming weeks is uncertain at best, and I would like to be able to provide support to them if things do escalate at the rate that they are predicted to over the coming weeks. I would also like to know without a shadow of a doubt that I not going to be contagious or compromise their well being when I do offer that support. 
If there is anything that we can learn from the models of other coronavirus ravaged countries at this stage, it's that self isolation saves lives. Social distancing and staying at home is the only way to ensure that we are not only protecting ourselves from the virus, but also not spreading it around to others as well. With 30% of the infected population showing little to no symptoms, we really cannot afford to be flippant with our own or anyone else's well being anymore. If there is any kind of opportunity for you to self isolate then I would seriously urge that you to do that and stay at home now if you can.
And I do understand that going into self isolation for some people would be a really confronting and difficult thing to face, especially if you are used to being a social butterfly and thrive on being out amongst the people, but the bottom line now is that 'getting amongst it' is just not a safe or reasonable option any more. In fact it's actually social neglect at best. I think that if you aren't taking some serious measures to be distancing yourself from others as much as possible at this point then you are probably being pretty ficken irresponsible and selfish. 
And during self isolation you do have to find ways to amuse yourself in your own little part of the world, which for some people is littler that others I know, but you just have to. Yesterday I saw kids riding around the neighbourhood on their bikes (at an acceptable social distance of course) and I even saw a couple of teens climbing a massive pine that has fallen in the vacant block across the road from us. I haven't seen kids doing things like that in  a very long time because they are usually all hanging out and going places with their mates, but now they are being forced to be inventive with what they get up to. People can't engage in their usual or preferred modes of hobbies and pastimes, so they have to find other things to do now, things that are not only enjoyable but that can also be done with social distancing in mind as well, and that's going to be a real head scratcher for a lot of people. 
Fortunately I have done a lot of pre-work around time filling on Spicywatch.com. Turns out that I am a bit of a time filling expert of sorts!  So please allow me to recommend a couple of my previous blog posts for you to refer back to for some self isolation time filling inspiration. Please use these resources, and above all else - stay in and stay well! 
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/im-never-bored
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/self-care
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/namaste-for-all
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/stuff-to-binge-on
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/art-therapy
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/play-it-again-sam
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/unmissable-tv
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/social-media-confessions
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/subtitles
​https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/objects-of-desire-aka-shiny-distractions
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/the-best-viewing-experiences-of-2019
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/not-just-another-movie
https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/pleasing-podcasts
​https://www.spicywatch.com/blog/the-best-viewing-experiences-of-2018

HERE ALONE
Release Date: 2016
Rating: M
Running Time: 98 mins 
Unfairly slammed by critics, Here Alone is one of those zombie apocalyptic movies that is far more concerned in the plight of the characters than the actual apocalyptic event and circumstances, which really seems to frustrate a lot of people. I on the other hand, don't need to see dozens of zombie hordes to get a real sense of impending doom, and I thought  that this movie quite poignantly conveys a deep sense of isolation with its touching portrayal of everyday people struggling to survive in a very fractured world. 
Ann (Lucy Walters) is all alone in the wildness and struggling to survive with limited resources. A deadly epidemic has claimed the lives of everyone around her and turned the living into bloodthirsty monsters. During a raid on a property for food, Ann stumbles upon a teenager and her injured father, she takes mercy on them both and allows them to enter her camp. 
For a zombie movie, this is a slow burner, and if you've come here looking for lots of rabid zombie, brain-eating action, then you have come to the wrong place. However, as far as horror drama goes, this is a terrific example of that, with Lucy Walters carrying this movie fully on her shoulders and doing it brilliantly. 
FINAL SAY: We saw them before anyone knew what was going on.
3 Chilli Peppers ​

Sometimes I can be a bit of a magpie; attracted to shiny pretty things and distracted with feathering my nest. And when you consider the current state of events, where the world feels like it has gone completely bonkers, selfish and generally illogical, then some kind of distraction is extremely welcome and probably quite necessary at this point.
I wholeheartedly believe that we are all looking for some form distraction (and maybe a bit of oblivion as well) in our lives right now. Whether we are in a forced lockdown situation or not, we all need to think about other things that have nothing to with COVID-19, because if we don't we'll slowly drown in our rising worries and anxiety, sink beneath our escalating concerns or become crushed under the weight of our overwhelming sense of grief.
​For some people, that distraction comes in the form of a shit tonne of streaming, for others it comes in the form of absorbing novels, for some it's long walks and meditation and then for others it's sex, drugs and rock and roll; and in all honesty maybe I'm actually indulging in a little bit of all of those things. However, there is nothing quite like indulging in some imaginary online shopping to really distract. Yep that's right I said imaginary, becasue I am not shopping for a pair of cute earrings, a new dress or a fancy mug, I'm looking at some big, expensive merch. And I love doing it, even if it's only online 'window' shopping. 
As I previously mentioned in my blog, I love to look at images and images of things that I desire are all the better as far as I am concerned. Nothing distracts me faster than shiny, beautiful and lovely things, and I have to admit it, I am a total whore for visual stimulus and looking at things that I want to purchase but may never be able to afford to have, pleases and distracts me in shamefully embarrassing ways.  
But, this is not the time to be embarrassed about the things that we like to be distracted by, it's a time to embrace them, to share them, to try and distract others with them as well. I would much rather hear about people's coping mechanisms, distractions and coping tools at the moment instead of hearing another 'search for loo roll' tale. And I never ever want to see another picture of some asshole hoarders house that's full of supplies that they not only don't need right now but have no right to have over anyone else either. However, I am diverting, let me draw my attention back to the lovely shiny things that I find so very stimulating and desirable.
Here's my top ten secret objects of desire that I am completely distracted by and that I love to drool over when I'm all alone....Oh yes....I'll get you my pretties...well, maybe one day anyway. For now you're all just a beautiful and welcome distraction. 

1. Super hot vintage cars
2. Insanely intricate and highly stylised side tables and bureaus
3. Expensive artworks
4. Handmade/ hand woven Persian and Indian rugs, baskets and blankets
5. Unique furniture pieces
6. Ridiculously extravagant light fittings and chandeliers 
7. Sprawling asian zen gardens 
8. Designer handmade chocolates 
9. Handcrafted dinnerware and cutlery  
10. Sexy images of Keanu Reeves 

JOHN WICK 
Release Date: 2014
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 101 mins 
A slick action-crime film directed by Chad Stahelski, in his directorial debut and written by Derek Kolstad. John Wick delivers a fast paced, action packed ride with intense fight scenes that rival Hong Kong action movies. I was pleasantly and unexpectedly entertained by this movie with it's neo-noir vibe and smooth talking hitman with a soft heart, it is undeniably enjoyable. 
When the puppy that his recently deceased wife left for him to assist with his grief is killed and his beloved Mustang is stolen, ex-hitman John Wick comes out of retirement to exact his revenge. 
​No big surprises with the storyline here, it all plays out in a pretty predictable and linear fashion, but the real strength of this movie is the impeccable cast and intense action sequences.  Ian McShane, Willem Dafoe, Michael Nyqvist, Alfie Allen and John Leguizamo all join the ranks, but they are completely eclipsed by Keanu Reeves, who hasn't delivered anything this sexy and cool since The Matrix. 
FINAL SAY: He was the one that you sent to kill the fucking Boogeyman. 
4 Chilli Peppers
Note: John Wick: Chapter 2 released in 2017 and  John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum released in 2019 continue to deliver even more high quality, fast paced action and are equally as good (dare I say even better?) as the first John Wick offering. As far as action trilogies go, the John Wick trilogy is the best that I have ever seen. ​

You can't really be alive on the planet at the moment and not feel somewhat affected by the threat of the Coronavirus aka COVID -19. Even if you haven't yet gone all gung ho and stock piled enough toilet paper to ensure that you have a clean and dry arse until 2030 or smuggled away enough beans, rice, pasta and dry stock provisions for at least a month of basic apocalyptic cuisine, you'll still be feeling the rising concern and now unignorable reality that we are indeed facing a pandemic that is going to pose a serious threat to people with compromised immune systems, chronic health disorders and of course the very young, old and at risk members of our communities. 
Scary stuff, and something that no-one on the planet today has ever actually experienced before, because not only is the Coronavirus different from any other pandemic that we have seen before, but also due to our level of worldwide connection and travel demands, we are spreading it around at an alarming and seemingly uncontrollable rate.  
The last and most deadly pandemic that we faced was The Spanish Flu of 1918, which infected one third of the world's population. It caused somewhere between 20-50 million deaths, and although we have seen many other smaller scale pandemics since then, we have never faced something that has infected every continent of the globe (except the Antarctic) at such a ferocious rate. And this is why governments are now scrambling to work out a way to contain the spread as fast as possible. Hence the threat of a potential home lockdown for many parts of the world. 
At the moment, there are 147,000 reported cases of COVID-19 across the world, with 5,539 deaths. Shops, businesses, schools and non-essential public areas are closing in the US and France. Flights and travel has been restricted across the globe. Areas of Spain, China, Italy, Denmark, Norway, UK and Ireland have already started lockdown procedures with their citizens to inhibit the spread of infection. In short, this shit is getting real and pretty hard to ignore, even for the most cynical, flippant or suspicious people.
So what to do? Run screaming into the night and declare that it is the end of the world as we know it? Well, you could do that if you were a nutter, but if you really want to be proactive about it, here is my advice based on what I have read thus far about COVID-19.

• Stay calm - experts predict that 80% of the population won't require any or minimal medical care, so odds are you're going to be just fine.
• Minimise the stress to yourself by only having daily updates - find a reputable COVID -19 news and information page that you can check on once a day to stay abreast of developments and recommendations. 
• If you feel sick, don't go to work. Self quarantine for 14 days and avoid public spaces. 
• Wash your hands thoroughly and regularly when you have been in public spaces, use hand sanitizer when you enter your home, practice good personal hygiene, and try not to touch your face. 
• Practise social distance - 6 feet from others. No handshaking and use your elbow or hip to turn on switches, open elevators, turn door handles etc. 
• Each time you shop, add a couple of basic non-perishable items to your trolley. Aim to have a couple of weeks of food basics on hand at home just in case you are asked to go into lockdown. Consider any personal sanitary items,  pet supplies and medications that you may also require if you were in a lockdown situation and pre purchase wisely. Please note that a two week supply of food would never constitute 100 rolls of toilet paper, 30 packets of rice and 50 cans of tuna, so please be sensible and considerate when you are increasing your supplies. There are people out there that are really going to need certain items and taking them all is not only ridiculous but also extremely dangerous to the health and wellbeing of others, so shop with care and consideration.
• Do not watch the movie Contagion or the TV show Pandemic if you are already feeling really anxious about COVID-19. Not only are these programs un-directly related to our current reality in so many ways, they will only serve to send already vulnerable minds into an unnecessary tailspin.
• Look after yourself, rest well, eat well and above all else - stay calm. 

I am absolutely terrified by the possibility of being eaten alive. Of all the really horrible and traumatic ways to die, being eaten alive seems to be the absolute worst way to go in mind. Living in Australia does mean that I will probably never be devoured by a lion or a tiger, or a grizzly bear for that matter, which by the way all hold the same level of absolute fear and terror for me. However, there is a slight risk of being gobbled up at the beach by an enormous sea creature or worst of all, a shark. I am knee trembling, nail biting, shit scared of sharks and the idea of one taking a chunk out of me makes me feel extremely nauseous. 
Now I know that the chances of being eaten alive by a vicious creature are slim, virtually nonexistent if you actually look at the statistics, but like all really tremendously crappy ways to die, we understand that the chances are slim but we just don't want that to be the way that we go out in the end. Everyone has dreamy visions of peacefully going to sleep in their old age and passing away mid dream cycle, but did you know that only 1 out of every 8 of us will actually go out that way? So what happens to the other 7 out of 8 of us then? Not bloody eaten alive I would hope! 
Well, I did a bit of digging, not just to alleviate my concerns around an animal consuming me alive, but to also discover what I really am most likely to die of and these are the top ten most likely ways to die in our modern times: 

1. Heart Disease
2. Cancer
3. Chronic Lower Respiratory Diseases
4. Accident (mostly falls, transport accidents or poisoning) 
5. Stroke
6. Alzheimer's Disease
7. Diabetes
8. Influenza or Pneumonia
9. Kidney Disease
10. Suicide

Now if you have a good look at that list, it is most certainly going to kick up your efforts around taking care of yourself because a vast majority of those reasons for death are health related, and many of them are preventable health related issues as well. Which, although disturbing, is also really hopeful because we can use that knowledge to our best advantage and make lifestyle choices that will prevent us from dying of chronic health diseases and disorders. In short, we do have the power to avoid becoming one of the 7 others that don't die in our sleep.  
However, on a really obscure note, there is also a list online of the most unusual ways to die, and I'm not sure that I would necessarily want to go out in any of these ways either, but the list does offer some very entertaining reading.
Here are some 'odd ways' to die that are so weird and amusing that they do deserve to be talked about: 

• An Athenian lawmaker was smothered to death by gifts of cloaks and hats that appreciative citizens threw over him.
• In 455 BC Valerius Maximus was killed by a tortoise that was dropped on him by an eagle. 
• Agathocles, a Greek tyrant was murdered with a poisonous toothpick.
• Louis III, King of West Francis died after hitting his head on the lintel of a low door frame. 
• Crown Prince Philippe of France died when his horse tripped over a black pig running out of a dung pile in the Parisian streets. 
• Hans Staininger died of a broken neck after he tripped over his own beard in Austria in 1567. 
• William Snyder died when a circus clown swung him around by his heels in 1854.
• Henry Taylor tripped when carrying a coffin and was crushed to death by it in 1872. 
• 21 people died in 1919 when a large molasses storage tanker burst and drowned them. 
• Sherwood Anderson, an American writer died after accidentally swallowing a toothpick that infected his gastrointestinal tract. 
• Basil Brown, a health food advocate consumed 70 million units of Vitamin A and around 10 gallons of carrot juice in 10 days and died with bright yellow skin. 
• Dick Wertheim, a tennis linesman died after being struck in the groin with a tennis ball and fell out of his chair onto the hard court face down. 
• A 75 year old woman was killed by a poodle that fell from a window on the 13th floor in 1988. 
• An entire soccer team of 11 were fatally killed by lightning whilst playing in the Democratic Republic of Congo - unbelievably the other team were unharmed. 
• Robert Williams, a worker at the Ford Motor plant was the first person to be killed by a robot when the arm of a factory robot fell on his head! Rise of the machines right there I tell you, it all starts with a simple knock to the head by a rogue arm and then next thing...well you know how it goes! 

THE TERMINATOR 1 & 2 (JUDGMENT DAY)
Release Dates: 1984 and 1991
Rating: MA 15+
Running Times: 107 mins and 137 mins 
There's no point denying it, these two movies are great, they link together seamlessly, and tell a foreboding tale about a terrifying future where the machines rule the earth. Directed and written by James Cameron, and aside from his Aliens offering, this is really the best thing that he has ever done in my opinion; and it is also the best thing that Arnold Schwarzenegger has undertaken as well. 
The first instalment focuses on a humanoid cyborg known as a Terminator (Schwarzenegger) that has been sent back in time from 2029, to exterminate a waitress named Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton). Unbeknownst to Sarah, in the future she will give birth to John Connor, a man that will lead a revolution against the oppressive machines. 
The second instalment focuses again on a humanoid cyborg that has been re-programmed to now protect the teenage John Connor (Edward Furlong) from a newer and more sinister model of Terminator that is still seeking to kill him. 
What you are going to get here is an action-packed science fiction experience, with loads of guns, explosions and robotic effects. The first movie actually boasted some pretty cutting edge effects for its time, and the second even won an Academy Award for Best Visual Effects, so these films have been executed really well and obviously had hefty budgets. Schwarzenegger was a perfect choice for the role of the Terminator, he just has to look menacing and say very little - apart from highly quotable one liners, a role clearly designed for him to execute perfectly. For high-paced sci-fi, these have got it in buckets and with the added bonus of a tight and interesting story line, what's not to like?
FINAL SAY: I'll be back! 
3.5 Chilli Peppers
NOTE: None of the later instalments (and there have been far too many) are worthy of your time or effort, see these first two and then leave it at that. ​

Bananarama and Fun Boy Three had a not so great but deadly catchy song in the eighties called 'It Aint What You Do' and it was all about how it wasn't what you did that mattered, but how you did it that got results. And for some unknown reason, every time that I have to enter into a difficult conversation with someone I always think about that song, but in my mind it goes more like 'it ain't what you say, it's the way that you say it - and that's what gets results.'
Even though we were all raised to have good manners and abide by the 'if you can't say anything nice then you shouldn't say anything at all' rule, all of us also know that sometimes, whether we really want to or not, we have to enter into very difficult and sometimes extremely inconvenient conversations with people that may be seen as unwanted or unwelcome.
And that's where diplomacy kicks in, and you have to employ a gentle hand and not let your mouth shoot from the hip, hence 'it ain't what you say...it's the way that you say it.' And I find that you can say just about anything if you say it in the right way; and as long as you can remain sensitive to the other person's feelings whilst you're saying it, then you can usually get across an unwanted message without too many tears or tantrums. Mary Poppins was totally right, a spoonful of sugar really does help the medicine go down and sometimes that extra dip of honey can make any difficult topic a little more palatable. 
Nobody likes receiving a jagged little pill of truth, I know that I never enjoy the taste of my own poison, but god knows that sometimes I have needed people to be straight shooters with me and just tell me how it is. I have however, always appreciated it when negative or unpleasant news has been delivered to me with a sugar coating or at the very least an awareness attached to it that I can be a ridiculously sensitive creature and that things don't always roll off my back as easily as water off a ducks, and sometimes when people are short or curt with me, I can't stomach it.
I have always appreciated those that have offered me a gentle delivery, and over time it has helped me to employ a much gentler hand myself when dealing with difficult or unpleasant conversations or people. I'm not perfect at it yet, but I am gradually getting better at putting the emotions of others first whenever I have to enter into 'awkward truth' territory. I have found that by putting myself into another person's emotional reality, I can really harness my empathy and get 'on the level' during these tricky exchanges. 
It is not okay to allow the people that you care about to act poorly or to treat you or others badly, it's actually quite neglectful to allow people that you care about to behave like assholes and go unchecked, but it is also extremely important to understand that these things do happen for a reason. People that are mean or insensitive are often the ones that are hurting the most, and I know this to be true becasue I usually only lash out when my personal pain is at its highest, which of course is not okay and sometimes I need to be gently reminded that it's not okay to wipe my bloodied palms all over others just because I fell over. 
Even a tiger can be tamed with the right amount of attention and affection, and the same goes for everything and everyone else. You can have awkward conversations and engage with difficult people, but you do have to be willing to hear their pain and be open to offering compassion when you do. It's true, it's not what you do, it's the way that you do it....it's not what you say, it's the way that you say it...and that's what gets results. Who knew that such sage advice would ever spring from the lyrics of Bananarama and Fun Boy Three? Turns out that zen messages can come from places that you would never really expect them to!

God knows that I love to have the last word, probably to my own detriment most of the time. Every time that I hear Annie Lennox singing that song 'Why?' when she reaches that line 'I tell myself too many times why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut?' I shudder as it stings me with its complete accuracy. Yep, sometimes I know that I say far more than what is necessary. In fact I'm pretty sure that if I have any guiding spirits, that they would probably be face palming themselves behind my back regularly. It's true; I do have to own that in the heat of the moment I have been known to throw out some pretty unnecessary words and I'm not going to pretend that I am proud of that because I am not. Losing your shit and saying more than what is necessary is never a good thing and only an idiot would ever defend that kind of behaviour. 
It really is a massive problem having a big gob like I do and saying too much, and the worst part of all is that you can't take any of it back. Words can never be unsaid, rewound, unravelled or removed once they have been spoken, and sometimes the fallout of their impact can never be undone either. I have learnt over the years that it is far better to just say nothing at all than to say something mean, unkind or inappropriate. 
And it was in the spirit of last words that I started pondering about what I would say if I knew that it was the very last thing that I  would ever say in my lifetime. And before you start thinking that I have too much time on my hands (which I clearly do) it turns out that a lot of other people have thought about this as well because there is a huge list of famous people's last words on the internet (if you can believe that they are really true that is). Mind you some of them aren't actually the person's last words, they're just the last thing that they were ever heard saying, so their real last words were probably something more like 'Oh fuck I'm actually dying!' and we would never really know. Nevertheless here are a couple of rippers that I really enjoyed reading:

• Frank Sinatra - I'm losing it. 
• Margaret Sanger (Birth Control advocate) - A party, let's have a party!
• Nostradamus - Tomorrow, at sunrise, I shall no longer be here. 
• Leonardo da Vinci - I have offended god and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
• Richard Feynman - This dying is boring. 
• Sir Arthur Conan Doyle - (to his wife)  You are wonderful.
• Michael Landon - You're right, its time. I love you all.
• Eugene O'Neill - I knew it! I knew it! Born in a hotel room and goddamnit, dying in a hotel room.
• Jack Soo - It must've been the coffee. 
• Groucho Marx - This is no way to live. 
• Emily Dickinson - I must go in, for the fog is rising. 
• James Brown - I'm going away tonight.
• Steve Jobs - Oh wow. Oh wow. Oh wow. 

In all seriousness though, it is absolutely impossible to determine what your own last words might be, because who knows how you'll go in the end? I would imagine that what you would say on your deathbed surrounded by loved ones would be quite different to what you might say if you were mowed down in the street by a bus. However, I would hope that my last words were something more like 'oh it's even more wonderful than I could've imagined' and a lot less like  'oh so that's what Satan looks like.'
However, the chances of actually formulating something exceptional, memorable or poignant on your deathbed are honestly extremely unlikely, so my best advice is that if you've got something really important to say then I think that you owe it to world to say it well before the day that you actually leave. As long as it's nice!  Just saying!

The Golden Globes Awards happened on Monday at midday and I was lucky enough to watch them in real time from the comfort of my couch. However, it is extremely hard to really enjoy any type of celebration or merriment wholeheartedly at the moment without feeling extremely guilty. Especially when you are surrounded by a very ominous, dark, smokey haze that has drifted over from the devastating bushfires that are ravaging our country at the moment. To call the state of affairs in Australia grim at the moment would be a serious understatement, they are truly troubling and frightening real. 
Gone are the days of a laid back and relaxed Aussie Summer, the reality of our warmer season now is  an endurance of long dry days, hypervigilance and dire concern as year after year we watch in despair as our country turns to ash. And I am well aware that our climate makes us more susceptible to bushfire, but the frequency, ferocity and duration of this year's blazes has been unprecedented. Nowhere in Australia is safe from the threat of fire anymore and when you already live in a high fire risk area as I do, you can't help but be very, very concerned. 
Many of the actors that took to the stage on Monday extended their thoughts and solidarity towards Australia during our country's fire crisis, but goodwill and thoughts, although kind, aren't exactly going to extinguish the roaring blazes or save family homes. So, what can anyone really do to help? At this point in the crisis what we really need is more money, money to replace homes and support devastated communities to get back onto their feet and to help care for injured wildlife and fund koala hospitals. These donations can be made through The Red Cross, the CFA, Wildlife Victoria and also directly to The Victorian Bushfire Appeal, all of whom can easily be reached online if you feel compelled to offer financial support. 
In the long run however, it is up to us as a nation to not only be stronger in our fire awareness and prevention but to be far more mindful about where we place our votes for our country's leadership in the future. Without a leader in this country that is willing to make serious and realistic moves towards our climate change issues nothing is going to improve. Australia desperately needs a national climate and energy policy review, and most of all a leader that is willing to undertake that work. That is never going to happen if we don't make it happen, so please, I implore you to not waste your next vote but to thoughtfully consider what the future of our country will look like for our children and children's children and to have that at the forefront of your thinking when you vote next. Come on Australia - we can make big changes for the better by just casting our vote to where it is needed. 
​But enough about politics, let's lighten the mood and announce the Golden Globe recipients for 2020 - a most worthy and deserving bunch for sure:

The term 'gaslighting' was popularised after the 1944 film "Gaslight" with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman. In the movie, the husband uses manipulative behaviours and manages to completely disrupt his wife's sense of reality. She begins to doubt her own sanity and he does all this to her so that he can steal her money....what an asshole!
Nowadays however, we use the term 'gaslighting' to describe people that use manipulative or specific patterns of behaviour to keep themselves on top or in control of other people. In short, a gaslighter doesn't want people doing anything without their say so or approval and they will use very sneaky and highly effective methods to keep themselves on top by making others doubt themselves or look incompetent. 
Gaslighters can turn up anywhere, you could even be married to one and not even realize it! They are usually in positions of power and they will most definitely want to keep things that way. Gaslighters can be men or women of any age, religion or nationality. They do often go undetected because their attempts at manipulation are slow, sly and exceptionally secretive. This can make them especially hard to identify in the workplace where they can happily push a lot of their own agenda or mask their cynicism by labelling it as necessary growth. 
Basically, gaslighters love the spotlight so they will happily claim other people's work or effort as their own, imply that other people's level of work is subpar or irrelevant and will openly push back any adverse behaviour that presents any kind of  jeopardy to their own perceived power status. Ever had a boss say something like "Oh,  I don't think that's true, maybe it's just how you choose to see it" when you try to present an issue to them? Well that soft manipulation technique is actually a form of gaslighting. So be aware, if your boss is always on the other side of all of your issues or giving you any reason to doubt yourself, your capabilities or your sense of reality, then odds are that you've been prey to a gaslighter. 
A gaslighter will micromanage others to the point of ridiculous in an attempt to stay in control. They will say things that make you doubt your own ability, they will make you feel like you aren't good enough and they will make it look like you are the one with the problem not them. Gaslighting is a form of narcissism, so you can bet that a gaslighter will vocally point out how successfully they once did the job that you are doing now - only better of course, and probably found it all a lot easier as well. They always lack the ability to put themselves into the shoes of another and therefore they lack empathy, which means that they will struggle to make deep connections with people, unless of course it will be of great benefit to them; then suddenly they will be hyper vigilant! 
Psychotherapist and owner of Mind Balance , Rose Lawrence has sighted the following traits to keep an eye out for when trying to spot a gaslighters: 

• Someone that uses their great humour and people skills to say things that sound innocent, but what they are really saying is underhanded and passive aggressive.
• Someone that listens long enough to collect information from you, but is not fully engaged in the listening process to show signs that they authentically care about what you are saying. 
• Lie and make you feel like it was your fault that they had to lie; gaslighters have zero accountability. 
• Take information and twist it around to their advantage or use it against others.
• Gossip to gain more ammunition.
• Appear confident but if you observe them closely they are actually deeply insecure.
• Leave you feeling like you are not enough. 

I hope that none of you ever have to deal with gaslighters in your life, but it is always good to be on the lookout for their ridiculous methods of manipulation, because as I said earlier, they are often very hard to detect.
If you do suspect that you are being gaslighted, make sure that you document any interactions as evidence. Setting up clear boundaries around what you will not tolerate will help you to document and identify when someone is gaslighting you. You will need very good evidence if you are going to try and out a gaslighter. Remember, gaslighters are sly, manipulative and methodical so you will need to be ahead of them at every step if you want to gain the upper hand or expose them. 
Also, don't forget to reaffirm your own self worth and what it is that you are good at. Doing this will help to combat any lingering doubts about your skills or sanity that a gaslighter might have tried to instill in you, and please seek support if you cannot manage this on your own. Remember, gaslighting is real and effective, that's why manipulative people use this method, so don't downplay the severity or the implications around it. Call it out, talk about it and stamp it out, gaslighting is nothing more than adult bullying and no-one should have to put up with it!

It is difficult to say whether or not the holiday that Craig and I had booked for our 25th wedding anniversary in Vanuatu had arrived at the most inopportune time ever or the most opportune time ever, but it did happen and we did get on a plane just days after my father's funeral and escape all of the worry and strife of the real world to go to one of the most pristine stretches of beach in the Eastern Pacific to sip cocktails and bask in the sun for five incredible days. 
This was our first trip to Vanuatu and the first time that Craig and I have booked a holiday that was just about the two of us in almost 12 years, so you could say that we were more than due to have some quality 'one on one' time. And perhaps it really was the best time to get away. I was still numb from all of my grief and in dire need of some TLC and headspace, and this holiday did feel genuinely like a complete exhale and a total spiritual reboot in so many ways. 
We stayed at the Eratap Beach Resort which is a boutique style, eco-friendly and completely authentic beach resort that is focused on low numbers, no children and complete five star beachside luxury. From the moment that we arrived and our accommodating host placed a cocktail into my hand as we entered I felt my shoulders drop and my stress begin to just melt away. We had just arrived in paradise, a real paradise with crystal clear waters, gentle ocean breezes and an award winning chef in the kitchen who provided us with nightly seafood feasts that were some of the best dishes that I have ever eaten in my life. 
The food? Completely gourmet and absolutely delicious. The drinks? Different cocktail specials every night and an extensive list that I indulged completely. The beach? White sands, azure and turquoise sparkling waters and the most incredible snorkeling you could ever imagine with clown fish, angel fish and even a giant red octopus; it was so damn good that I couldn't believe it was actually real. The resort? Pristine, perfect and completely seducing with it's swaying palms, tropical grounds and uber friendly staff. We felt like kings from the moment that we arrived and were treated like superstars for the duration. 
We kayaked, snorkelled, swam, hiked, ate, drank and lounged about for five days. We took two journeys outside of the resort which were both provided free of charge by the resort, one to visit the local village of Eratap to see their homes, school and church, and one into Port Vila for a spot of souvenir shopping. The rest of the time we did our own thing, ate whenever we wanted to because the restaurant was open until 11pm every day, and pretty much felt like we were there on our own because there are only 12 villas on the premises, so their were really only around 20 guests on the grounds at any given time. Heaven, totally and utterly divine in every way, we loved it and we were so sad to leave when our stay finally came to it's inevitable conclusion. 
Anyway...one quick 4.5 hour flight back to Melbourne from Port Vila and a fairly short drive from Tullamarine and we were back in Enfield. Unfortunately, it was not the happy return that we had been expecting and we were quickly slammed back into reality when we realised that both of the kids weren't well. Zoe could barely speak and was sporting a raging head cold and a very sore throat, and Seth who seemed okay on Friday night when we got home very late, arose on Saturday morning saying that he felt unwell and by 7pm on Saturday night we had him at the hospital Emergency Room after he had a febrile seizure and passed out in our lounge room. 
He had been vomiting on Saturday and his temperature had gotten dangerously high, then his blood pressure plummeted and teamed with his dehydration from vomiting, he went down for the count (thank God Craig caught him) and they had to put him on drip at the hospital, administer anti-nausea tablets and run some blood tests just to make sure that he didn't have anything more sinister going on. It was pretty stressful, and it was really not good to be back in the emergency ward of a hospital again so soon. However, all is well and Seth was released from hospital at 11pm on Saturday night with the all clear and slept like a baby at home until 9.30am this morning. 
Today I have been able to play nursemaid to both of the kids, and although I wish that we had returned home to happier circumstances, I am also tremendously relieved that we were home to take care of them and the entire situation ourselves. It is wonderful to get away and I am glad that Craig and I got to share such a wonderful experience of complete tranquility in Vanuatu; but for now.... it's back to reality and back to work tomorrow, because nothing - not even paradise - can last forever. 

I haven't been on my website for what feels like an age, and I have good reason for that. I lost my father last week in what I can only describe as a whirlwind event of shock and surprise that left us all reeling and wondering what the hell had happened. I must say, that it is just like my father to go out like a clap of thunder, but considering the fact that he seemed to bounce back from every ailment that was thrown at him, we were all floored when he eventually succumbed and passed away. 
My dad was a man that never complained about his physical illnesses and never really revealed to us just how truly ill he really was, which meant that in the end he had a multitude of ailments (some secret and some not) that even his bullet proof fortitude could no longer manage. And being completely true to form, he waited until everyone was out of the room to take his leave and depart the world. This made the entire event feel so sudden and unexpected, but when you really read all of the early signs (which you always do after an event of this magnitude) we probably should have seen this coming and expected no less from our father. 
I really wanted dad to have a nice farewell and even though he hated any fuss or fanfare, we did put together a short and meaningful goodbye for him and I wrote and delivered his eulogy myself. Writing his eulogy was so cathartic for me, not only did I get to say farewell in my own terms and with my own words, I also got to have some beautiful and meaningful conversations with the other people that loved him dearly as they shared their special stories and memories of my father with me. The entire experience was really meaningful and it felt like such a perfect way to honour and farewell someone who had so much influence over my own life. 
I have decided to post the eulogy that I wrote as a tribute to my father, so that his story is immortalised and shared with the world, because he genuinely deserves nothing short of that. 

If dad was here today, I know that he would be overwhelmed with the amount of people that have gathered here for him. I also know that he would probably say something like "why are you bothering with all this bullshit for?" because that was dad's way.
However, in spite of dad not wanting any fuss or fanfare, I would like to talk a bit about him; about Don Hall - the larrikin, the hard working bloke, the complicated, private and yet always surprising man that I called my dad. 

Born to a tough as nails Aussie family of five just before the start of WW2 in 1938, my father knew about hard times and would often talk about his childhood with a mixture of joy and the type of sadness that only those who have struggled could ever really understand.
His family survived the depression, war time and post war together in the Western suburbs of Melbourne where he grew up shooting rabbits with his uncle Les, chasing trains for coal, stealing scraps of food from the chook shed to stave off his hunger and generally being a complete scallywag with his older sister Linda.
Linda shared some funny tales about their early childhood adventures that included nicking their father’s treasured chocolates and smokes and the time that dad created a makeshift community swimming pool from a burst water pipe hole that resulted in my dad emerging caked from head to toe in thick brown mud.
One day the two of them had a marvelous time jumping on the bloated belly of what they thought was a deceased horse just to hear the farting noises come out. Turns out that poor horse wasn’t dead at all and when they decided to poke it in the bum with a stick it jumped up and ran off, much to their shock and horror. Linda informed me that that poor horse not only survived its run in with her and my father, but gave birth to a foal soon after…I wonder why?

Dad would often reminisce and regale us with tales about his youth; which were generally tales of mischief, childhood bravery or just straight up acts of delinquency! I recall his stories about shooting snakes with his father’s shotgun that had slithered into the family home, getting picked up by the local cops for various law breaking deeds and his free spirited days upon his beloved Aerial Square 4 motorbike that his older brother swapped for a Ute; which I think that dad never forgave him for.
One of dad’s lifelong friends Carso shared with me what a tremendously good friend my dad had been over the years. He once even offered his beloved Aerial bike to use when I was dating a woman in another town, he said, he was the sort of friend that would give you his arse and shit out of his ribs. Sorry to the sensitive ears for that one….but I do think that accurately sums how generous my dad could be.
 
My dad was a handsome, suave man and with his quiet cool attitude and rugged demeanor the women always seemed to notice him. My sister Donna recently told me that her friends at school used to comment on how handsome he was when he would pick her up ‘he looks just like Elvis’ they would swoon, and with that perfect jet black, side combed slicked back hair he caught the eye of my mother and from that moment on they fell in love and started a lifelong love story that lasted for more than 60 years.
He married my mother in 1960, much to the distaste of both of their families. My mother’s family was not too sure about my mum marrying an ‘Aussie kangaroo’ as they called him, and my father’s parents weren’t too keen on him marrying a new Australian either, but against all of the odds and prejudices they did marry and they made it work together.
They were young parents, mum only a teenager herself when they welcomed Donna into the world and dad being super handy with his hands built a bungalow on my grandparent’s property so that they could start a life and save for their first home. More children soon arrived, Morry, William, Kath and myself and before he knew it dad had a brood of children to care for and he took his fatherly duties very seriously, especially when it came to his three beautiful daughters.
Fiercely protective and possessive as a father, any boy that knocked on our door for a date was ran through the Donnie Hall series of difficult questions and demands. ‘What exactly are your intentions with my daughter?’ He would ask whilst running his eye over some sweaty, clueless teenager that looked like they were going to explode under the weight of dads inquiring and judging eye.

And dad was incredibly old fashioned like that, he was a boys will be boys and girls will be ladies kind of a dad who had high expectations that we all felt obligated to meet.
And there was something about dad that made us all seek his approval and affections because underneath that hard exterior beat the heart of a truly soft and genuinely sensitive man.  Dad was firm but fair and we all knew that he only had our best interests at heart.
Those of us that knew him well understood that dad was actually just a big marshmallow who had mellowed greatly over the years and who loved nothing more than a joke (preferably a dirty one) and a good laugh.

He had many interests like cars, western and action movies and tinkering with mechanical things, especially fiddly things like clocks. He always had a curious mind and liked to learn new things, a fitter and turner by trade, my dad liked knowing how things worked and could spend hours investigating gadgets, taking things apart and putting them back together again.
One thing that we all knew about dad was his incredible work ethic, need to be kept busy and demand for perfection. He built and renovated several homes in his lifetime, one in Deer Park, Daylesford, Ballarat and eventually here in Ararat. House proud up until the end, he was laying new flooring in his house only weeks before he left us. Everyone said that dad would go with a hammer in his hand and that wasn’t far from the truth.
If something needed fixing, dad would do it. If something got broken, dad would work it out, and he took pride in being able to repair and mend almost anything that he put his mind to.

At his essence I believe that my father was a complicated man. He was often guarded, secretive and somewhat mysterious to us all in so many ways. He was difficult to get to know well and at times struggled to even understand the complexities of himself. I shared many conversations with him where he spoke candidly of his deep love and adoration for all of his children, grandchildren and our mother.
His last year with us was fraught with health complications, both physical and mental and it eventually took its toll on dad. But I also know that dad would want us to all remember the good times that we shared with him when we think about him, the laughs, the stories and the wonderful memories that we have of our time together.
I know that I will never watch a John Wayne, Charles Bronson or Clint Eastwood movie or hear a Roy Orbison song without thinking of my dad, I’ll never eat a roast lamb without wishing he could share it with me and I’ll never forget the man that I called dad.
Goodbye dad, we will all miss you very much. 

I like to think of myself as capable, I also like to believe that I am open to new learning and willing to expand my skill set and horizons regularly through new experiences and upskilling opportunities. However, everyone has their limitations and this week, much to my own agony and dismay, I had to admit to myself and also to my employer that my bucket was full to the point of overflow and that I needed to set a boundary around certain expectations of me in the workplace. 
It is one thing to encourage others to put boundaries into place for themselves, but when you have to put in a boundary for yourself, especially when you pride yourself with being the 'can do' kid, it is a really difficult and honestly, very emotional thing to do. And for someone like me that sets themselves continuously high personal standards, it was one of the most uncomfortable things that I have ever had to do. I have never had to ask anyone to step up for me and put a stopper in something because the expectations were getting too high for me to meet, and it has been a bit soul destroying to have to do that. 
Even though I know that setting a boundary for myself is nothing to feel guilty about, I still oddly do feel a pang of guilt and also a measurable degree of disappointment in myself for not being able to meet certain expectations. As I said earlier, when you are used to coping under pressure and then suddenly find that you can't sustain that any longer, you feel like shit about yourself, and even though it takes strength to say 'this is too big and unrealistic' you just don't want to ever have to say that. 
However I did, I did say it and probably delivered a few other home truths about my role that has needed to be clarified for some time as well. And in all honesty, these things probably should have been clarified a long time ago, well before I got to the point where I was using the 'frog in the boiling pot' analogy to describe what it feels like to be in my position. The saying better late than never is certainly true in this instant however, for my own sanity I do wish that I had clarified these feelings earlier, but as I said, in order to clarify these issues I also had to be willing to admit that I wasn't coping and that was not an option for me until I had reached my maximum overload point. 
So what did I learn from all of this? That I have limits, that I can't do everything all at once and that sometimes I need to be willing to own my shortcomings without seeing it as a defeat. I have also learnt that I need to open a more clear dialogue around problems with senior staff earlier and that setting boundaries for myself in the workplace is a skill that I need to hone before I will be comfortable with it. 
I haven't quite made my peace with owning my limitations just yet, but I know that I will and hopefully things will change for the better now that I have raised a few flags for my employers to consider. And who  knows? Maybe some good will come from my conversation and perhaps it will open some people's eyes to some of the realities around positions like mine where you are a highly effective worker bee reliably contributing as best you can to a much larger business, but no less valuable or significant than some of the queens bees in the hive, especially when you look at it from our perspective.
I just wish that it didn't feel like I had to die a little inside to make these things understood, but I also understand that those feelings are all coming from me and no-one else but me, and those feelings are my personal jagged little pill to swallow...all on my own. 

I went to see the much discussed and heatedly debated Joker movie on its opening day this week, not because I was caught up in all of the pre-movie controversy but rather because I genuinely had a desire to see it. I have seen every other DC comic movie offering and let's be honest, the preview of Joker looked amazing. For those of you that have somehow missed all of the pre-movie persecution of Joker, let me fill you in. 
This stand alone origin movie was shrouded in great concern because authorities felt that the film had the potential to unleash copycat violence and anarchy, particularly with fans of the previous anti-social media depictions of the Joker. And sure, after seeing it I can understand how it could make people that feel marginalised identify with the villain's plight, but I am not sure that will be enough to insight anarchy in the streets. The Joker has always been a character that embraces nihilism as a means of escaping his perceived cruel and unjust world, but if Jack Nicholson, Heath Ledger and Jared Leto didn't get the downtrodden lashing out, why should Joaquin Phoenix's portrayal be any different? 
Well, I cannot deny that when I went to see Joker and a man stood up at the front of the theatre at the beginning of the movie and shouted out to the audience- "We all live in this society" that my heart didn't leap into my throat recalling the mass shooting  that occured in America at an airing of Batman - The Dark Knight Rises in 2012, killing 12 people and injuring 70 others. Yep, all that pre-talk controversy did get to me and for a moment I did perceive potential danger and frightening social disorder. 
And I cannot argue that Joker is undeniably relentless with its portrayal of the beaten down underdog. There is literally no relief for poor Arthur Fleck (aka Joker) in this movie, he is the most insanely tragic character to grace our screens in a long while, and being a DC comic character, this film is going to reach a wide and greatly varied audience. And contrary to his title, he isn't very funny at all, he's actually extremely sad, socially inept and painfully awkward. He clearly has a range of anxieties, suffers from severe depression and evidently already has a mental disorder that is not being treated correctly. How can we not feel sorry for this invisible and pained character? This film is gut-wrenchingly upsetting and we eventually just accept his complete breakdown as an inevitable consequence of his conditions. There is nothing funny about that at all is there? 
However, this whole 'pushed to the end of my limits' character arc is not new or original, it has been done before. Martin Scorsese did it with Travis Bickle in Taxi Driver and Joel Schumacher did it with D-Fens in Falling Down and no-one took the streets and shot up the world to hell in support of those characters either. And maybe that's because all of these characters had lost their minds, they were not sane and they were not in control of themselves, and to assume that awake and intelligent audiences are going to become gun toting loons after seeing Joker is of course ridiculous, but we also cannot ignore that to some already abused and unstable viewers that the fantasy of becoming a hero to the powerless and abused, even if it means being feared, could be perceived as appealing. 
However, if we are going to start inciting DC comics as a call to action for unstable sympathisers than we would also need to address all of the other forms of nihilism that exist in the media and the music industry today in order to really explore the influence of villains in our current society. Let's be real, Joker isn't funny, but the ugly side of life isn't and it never will be. Will it make people rage against the machine? I honestly doubt it, but stranger things have happened, who knows? Maybe a Disney movie will trigger someone one day.
Mostly, I think that what people are afraid of in regards to this movie is the fact that they will indeed identify with the dreadful oppression of the downtrodden and mentally unwell; and the lack of resources that are made available to them, which is really highlighted by this film. Rather than making people grab their weapons, I would hope that this empathy would instead make them feel called to address what is going on in our society today for us to identify with this high level of neglect and what can be done for the marginalised and neglected in the form of prevention. Like I said, woke audiences will see this movie and its message in a very different way, and perhaps a more proactive way overall than anyone could have ever expected. 

JOKER
Release Date: 2019
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 121 mins 
A psychological thriller and a DC comics Joker origin story, this movie really divided audiences and critics alike with it's violent and often disturbing portrayal of mental illness. However, love it or hate it, this is one of the best performances of Joaquin Phoenix's already impressive repertoire and probably the best DC comic movie so far. Directed by Todd Phillips who co-wrote the screenplay with Scott Silver, Joker premiered at the 76th Venice International Film Festival where it won the Golden Lion award. 
Arthur Fleck, a clown for hire with a mental condition, lives with his aging mother in Gotham City. As the city collapses under crime, unemployment, and financial ruin, the Fleck family like so many others, fall onto hard and impoverish times. After a series of unfortunate and disempowering events occur, Arthur suffers a complete breakdown and begins a mental and physical transition, eventually transforming into the violent and deranged Joker of Gotham City. 
This is a chilling and plausible origin story that offers real depth and insight into the Joker character, as well as providing some new information about the Wayne family enterprise that Batman belongs to.
Phoenix delivers an Oscar worthy and completely engrossing performance as the Joker, which not only compliments the great work that Heath Ledger layed down years earlier in The Dark Knight, but adds yet another layer to this intriguing and genuinely disturbing character's tale. 
FINAL SAY: My mother always tells me to smile and put on a happy face. She told me I had a purpose: to bring laughter and joy to the world.
4 Chilli Peppers ​

It is important to understand not only your own triggers, but to able to identify the triggers in others around you as well. The fact is, that no-one in the world doesn't have a tipping point, everyone does, even the Pope and the Dalai Lama have trigger points, they are just a lot better at managing their triggers, so people think that they don't actually have them. But of course, they are human and every intelligent individual on the planet understands that to be human is to be imperfect and fallible, and sometimes that means getting angry or annoyed about things, feelings or situations. 
The ability to be able to identify triggers in yourself and others offers a person a huge life advantage. If you can identify your own triggers then you can both manage them better and avoid situations that are going to cause you undue stress. Being able to identify someone else's tipping point could be seen as an unfair advantage and if you were a villain you could certainly exploit that knowledge, but I believe that understanding why others trigger is actually an opportunity for compassion and stronger personal relations.
The better that we can understand ourselves and others, then the higher are our chances to come together in peaceful  and equitable ways. Understanding that people do not behave the way that they behave for nothing allows space for unpacking and understanding and eventually compassion as well. However, in order to get to the root of a trigger, you must firstly be willing to take a very honest look at the emotion and feeling that it is attached to that trigger. 
Generally, people get annoyed and angry because they have perceived something to be unfair, but that definition of unfair could fall into a number of different emotions, and to able to identify any trigger properly, you have to be able to name the feeling that is associated with it first. When you find yourself triggered, or are in the presence of someone that is being triggered, try to identify which of these feelings is being conveyed:
I feel unheard.
I feel judged.
I don't feel good enough.
I don't feel worthy.
I feel left out.
I feel blamed.
I feel uncared for.
I feel unloved.
I feel controlled.
I feel betrayed.
I feel unimportant.
I feel disrespected. 
As I said, all of these emotions will make a person feel like something unfair or that some sort of injustice has occurred, but the emotions attached to them are varied and rooted in very different origins and will therefore require different levels of mediation or conversation for resolution. However, once you can identify the emotional link of your trigger, then you can start to identify its origin and why you are attached to that feeling, and this is the first step to healing and eventual release. 
Managing and identifying your triggers (and the triggers of others) is a process, one that requires patience and commitment, but it is such a powerful process and one that will develop a genuine understanding the self. Anything that allows you to let go of something that no longer serves you is never wasted and anything that can open a dialogue with the people around you that are feeling triggered is only going to further nurture your relationships  with them which is always going to be worthy work to undertake. 
So try a new method, try not to engage with your triggers, but rather try to practise identifying them. Name them, attach a genuine feeling to them and start to work out what it is that has created these feelings within you. As I said earlier, everyone has triggers, but some people are just a lot better at managing theirs, and you have the power to also be that person. 

It's almost been ten days since our Zoe arrived back home after breaking up with her fiance and partner of 8 years Lachlainn. The news came as a bit of a shock to us all, but maybe I just didn't want to see the problems because I wanted to believe that Zoe was happy, but in truth, she wasn't. Looking back on these things with hindsight you can always see the cracks and chips in clarity but at the time you are just blinded by what you want to see. It is always like this with breakups of any kind I think, and even though the clarity is there, it really doesn't make breaking up any easier to do. 
Zoe has been strong and organised with this break up to within an inch of her life, which is what we have all come to expect from our Zoe. She's tough and she strong, and it does take great strength to admit that things aren't working and then to also walk away from them. Zoe leaves behind eight years of memories and most of her formative years experiences with Lachlainn since they practically grew up together. Zoe was only 14 years old when she and Lachlainn got together, so it is both fair and probably to be expected that they have just grown apart as time has progressed, and we really should have seen this coming to be honest, but as I said hindsight is 20/20. 
I think back to some of the douche bags that I was hooking up with when I was only 14 years old and...jeez! There is no way that I could probably even stand to be in the same room with some of those weirdos let alone in a relationship with them. Not that I am saying that Lachlainn is a douchebag or anything, but the likelihood of wanting someone that you hooked up with when you were a kid as an adult are probably slim to none.
Craig and I got together when I was just short of 18 and we have had more dramatic episodes than Days of Our Lives on the way to eventually finding happiness and contentment together. We broke up numerous times, fought like we were on the set of Rocky, got regularly and spectacularly wasted together like we were Sid and Nancy at an Irish stag do and eventually popped out the other end (somehow) still together.
And I'm not going to lie to you, it was really hard to stay together when we were young, it felt downright impossible at times. We were both the youngest of five children so we were both used to having our own ways and we had no idea how to make a relationship work, we were both headstrong, opinionated brats. However, unlike Zoe and Lachlainn we were already married and had a home mortgage and a child before we were even 25 so we felt like we had to stick it out through thick and thin, it was complicated. Fortunately for Zoe and Lachlainn they didn't have any of these responsibilities to make them feel tethered together, so breaking up became amicable and quite simple really, well as simple as breakups can be if that's any consolation. 
Breaking up, no matter how clean, is not easy. You are never  just leaving another person, but also leaving a part of yourself and a way of being that you may have grown accustomed to. You leave behind who you once were when you were with that person and you are technically re-inventing yourself into another version of yourself. A single version of yourself, which will be hard for Zoe because she hasn't really experienced being single yet, it's totally foreign territory. However, as we all know, foreign territory although a little scary at times, can also be exciting, exhilarating and empowering. And if anyone is going to be able to stand on their own two feet, I have absolutely no doubt that Zoe will. She has more strong independent woman in her than Sinead O'Connor and I really believe that although it is sad that she has broken up with Lachlainn that this will be her time to shine and really come into her own. 
Sometimes we need a clean break to kick start a new life, and sometimes that opportunity can only be seized by letting go of an old and outmoded version of ourselves. Sometimes letting go of people in our lives that are holding us back from meeting our true potential is only sad for a short time before we can fluff up our own wings again and take flight on our own. And I cannot deny that the very selfish and motherly parts of me are genuinely  excited to have my darling daughter back in the nest for me to fuss over once again. Here together we can support her, help her to heal the broken parts of herself and then help her to move on to the next big adventure that life has in store for her. Zoe deserves all of that and more and now it is her chance to fly solo, put herself first and do whatever she wants to do. 

If he lived, the news would soon be here. Nay, evil news fly faster still than good. That line came from a play called The Spanish Tragedy which was written sometime between 1582 and 1592. It was the first time that the phrase Bad news travels fast was written in print form and proves that even hundreds of years ago it was human nature to be more interested in failure and woe than success and good tidings. 
And believe it or not, it's not our fault that we do pay more attention to the negative things, because we are actually hard-wired to do that. From an evolutionary standpoint the primary goal is to survive, and in general it's the bad experiences not the good ones that have the biggest impact on that ability to survive. Our evolutionary ancestors would've had a far greater chance of survival if they remembered how to out-maneuver a predator or which berries were safe to eat instead of where they found nice tree to nap under. It was the difference between surviving and dying, so storing negative information and passing it along was a means of survival that we still carry with us today. 
Rick Hanson wrote a fascinating book on the subject called Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom and in it he cites how studies have shown that the brain detects negative information faster than positive, stores it for longer and creates very lasting and difficult to undo pathways that we will reactivate when we find ourselves in similar circumstances. Did you know that in personal relationships it can take up to 5 positive interactions to undo just one negative interaction? It actually takes numerous go overs to unlearn a negative experience which is why it is so difficult to forgive someone when they hurt or betray you, it isn't easy because your brain actually physically resists you creating a new pathway. 
Your brain is unconsciously always deciding whether to avoid or approach everything that it encounters in the world, and regardless of how extroverted you may be, your brain in its most primal form is actually naturally wired to avoidance first and fighting against that is what causes feelings of anxiety. However, not all hope is lost, you don't need to avoid everything and you don't have to suffer relentless anxiety, there are ways to retrain your brain.
Hanson goes on to explain that your brain can override these instincts and be retrained to develop compassion through practising mindfulness, gratitude and self affirmation. You can actually create overriding positives for yourself that will crush your negative experiences, create new and better brain pathways and lead you to a more emotionally balanced and calm lifestyle. 
In short, you don't need to feel like a slave to negative words and thoughts, you can chose positive ones through repetition and focus. You can start today by passing on some good news, sharing your thoughts of gratitude or complimenting others instead of being the bearer of bad news. You don't actually have to help bad news travel at all if you don't want to, you have the power to give yourself peace of mind because you have evolved far beyond the need to ignite your monkey brain functions, you're a higher and more evolved being than that now. 
So it's time to spark your good news, pass along some positives and give yourself a compliment every single day because when you do that you are actually annihilating negative pathways that you have previously carved into your brain and giving yourself the opportunity to be free from anxiety. You deserve to have peace of mind and now you know that it is as easy as being more mindful of your thoughts about others and yourself and honing your ability to focus on the positives around you, it's really is that simple! Change your focus, be positive and be complementary and I promise that you will feel a whole lot calmer and more in control of your emotions, trust me it really works!  

FINDING NEMO 
Release Date: 2003
Rating: G
Running Time: 100 mins
Pixar Animation Studios really raised the bar with their computer animated, comedy-drama Finding Nemo. This movie tells a meaningful and heartfelt tale of a father-son relationship set under the sea in Australia.
When young clown fish Nemo gets taken from the Great Barrier Reef by a diver, his father Marlin sets out on an epic adventure across the ocean to find his son. Meanwhile Nemo, who has arrived in Sydney, finds himself in a dentist's fish tank filled with a bevvy of other tropical fish that are keen to make an escape. 
There are loads of laughs to be had here, mostly coming from Ellen DeGeneres' character Dory; but more than that, this movie is a visual delight with it's brightly coloured depictions of life aquatic. 
FINAL SAY: Just keep swimming!
4 Chilli Peppers
NOTE: Finding Dory (2016) was an excellent sequel to Finding Nemo, every bit as beautiful and enjoyable as it's predecessor. Boasting a consistent voice cast, this next adventure of sea life mishap is based around a city aquarium.   ​

So many people are getting sick at the moment, and it's easy to understand why when the weather is constantly freezing and the wind chill factor makes your fingers, toes and face ache. Even Craig, who rarely if ever gets sick, has a runny nose, sore throat and even gravelier than usual rattle to his speech. The kids at my school appear to have various things leaking out of a variety of orifices and a number of the staff are looking a little worse for wear in spite of just returning from a winter holiday break. But that is July in Ballarat for you - cold, freezing, freezing cold or Tundra, and if you don't like cold weather then moving here would be the stupidest idea in the world. 
A common misconception about Australia is that we have nothing but hot weather. I think that a lot of foreigner visitors expect that since we have so much desert that we are going to be sweltering hot all year round, but that is just not the case. I cannot deny that summers are actually pretty hot all over the country, with the exception of Tasmania which never seems to get over 35 degrees celsius. And I know that 35 degrees celcius may sound hot to some people, but when it comes to Australian summers, 35 is considered the ideal.
In summer it genuinely does get hot, really, really hot. I have seen roads literally melting into sticky tar puddles and desperate snakes searching for water in very open and risky areas in the summertime and it is nothing to get a string of 45+ degree days that make you intensely worried about bushfires when you live in the outlying bush areas.
However, contrary to popular opinions about Australia, it doesn't stay like that all year round and some areas are frickin freezing and even snowy in the winter time. Ballarat is one of those areas and if you're from another more temperate area of the country, the weather here can seem brutally cold and the winters intolerably long. It seems brutally cold and intolerably long to me, and I have lived in the area for over 30 years, but to be truthful I do this every year. I whinge about the cold in the dark of winter and I complain about melting at the peak of summer, but at the end of the day I have very good heating and cooling, and absolutely nothing to whine about at all. I even had my hot water system die this winter and guess what?I lived! Okay, I stank a lot too, but I did survive until I could pin down a plumber to sort out my problem. 
​I think that if you have your health you can face just about anything really, and that's why I really don't want to catch another dreaded lurgy right now, I've already had one of those this year and I hated it! I can totally deal with the wind, the ice and even the snow but please, please don't let me get another lurgy!
Sidenote: I'm already regretting putting that much energy into the sickness topic now, it's a bloody recipe for disaster! I'm just asking for trouble! 

This holiday period has not come without it's own unique set of challenges. I am never really sure if it is a good thing for the wheels to drop off during a down period so that I have the time to properly deal with things, or if it only serves to rob me of some much needed down time. However, regardless of how I choose to perceive these inconveniences makes them no less real or prevalent in my life, so I choose to just face them head on and continue to search for the hidden silver linings in these hiccups of the human condition. 
What it has meant is that I have had less free time and also less money to splurge on the frivolous and fun things, but c'est la vie....like all things in life these moments of challenge are impermanent and constantly moving and won't last forever. You have to stay firmly rooted in the 'milk and honey' aspects of your life when you find yourself wrangling with darker days like these. Luckily,  I still have a lot of milk and honey in my life, so it is easy for me to be distracted by love, good company and humour. And it is in these moments of realisation about my blessings and good fortunes that I ponder how people that do not have these things still manage to find their milk and honey during the difficult times. 
It is easy not to drown when you have a life vest, a flotation buoy and a rescue boat coming to get you, but what do you do if you don't have those things in your life? Not everyone is as fortunate in life as I am, so where do they go when the world grows dims and the days feel darker? Clearly for people without good support units around them, things can get rather grim when life seems insurmountably difficult; but all hope is never totally lost because there is always help available if you know where to look for it. 
Aside from trying to expand your support networks, which can be ridiculous difficult for some people and sharpening your own coping skills, which again is easier said than done, there is always a voice of reason that can be reached out to when things get too big and the world gets too loud.
You don't need to have a life full of milk and honey to find a shoulder to lean on, a friendly voice or a helping hand that will pull you up when you feel like you can't lift yourself up, and the great news is that Australia has one of the best help lines in the world for this kind of thing. Lifeline (PH: 131114) is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week with experienced counsellors and it's free and completely confidential.  And no, lifeline is not just for people that want to commit suicide, it's for anyone in crisis that feels like they need someone to talk to or confide  in. 
Many people without adequate support don't reach out for help because they think that their problems may not be significant enough, but anyone in need without adequate support is significant enough. The counsellors at lifeline, regardless of a callers age, gender, ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation are there to listen, provide immediate support, offer strategies and options and provide  referrals that can assist with moving forward.
We all need someone to lean on from time to time, there is no shame in crawling sometimes or admitting that you are finding things hard. Bottom line is that life sometimes is hard, really bloody hard and if you don't have a support network around you, just remember that you are not alone and you do not have to do anything on your own. There is always help out there and your problems are more than important enough to tap into them, so please don't struggle on alone; reach out, open up, share the load and please, please.... get some help. 

PIN CUSHION
Release Date: 2017
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 82 mins 
When odd Iona and her hunchback mother Lyn relocate to a new town, they are both optimistic for a  fresh start and hoping to integrate into their new community and make new friends. Unfortunately, their naivety about just how vicious, exclusive and unpleasant bored suburban housewives and attention seeking teenagers can be, causes them to crumble. 
Written and directed by Deborah Haywood, Pin Cushion completely assaults your senses with it's onslaught of awkward coming of age interludes, cruel and manipulative behaviours and it's agonisingly emotional struggle for acceptance. Joanna Scanlan is amazing as the well meaning social pariah Lyn, and Lily Newmark is perfectly awkward as the 'desperate to be liked' teenager Iona. 
This is truly heartbreaking stuff and at times it is quite hard to watch. Pin Cushion openly explores the many facets of a mother-daughter relationship within a single parent dynamic and explores issues of loneliness, isolation, bullying and co-dependence in ways that cannot be ignored. 
FINAL SAY: It's not just children that can bully in relentlessly cruel ways. 
3.5 Chilli Peppers ​

The winter holidays kicked off in style, as they always do at the commencement of the June/ July break because Zoe's birthday always occurs right at the beginning of this break every year. Today we celebrated her special day with a leisurely and much needed break together at Peppers Mineral Spa in Hepburn Springs. A full day of mineral spas, detoxing saunas,  a relaxation massage and a two course lunch injected just the right amount of respite and recuperation into all of weary and exhausted our lives, leaving us feeling fresh and pampered in every way. 
Seth spent a day at Ballarat's Winterfest as a volunteer for the Winteractive Arcade at The Mining Exchange where he worked the interactive tattoo booth and taught newbs how to use virtual reality, which he loved doing. So the winter break has really kicked off well for us, and the next few days will be for catching up on some rest, spending some time with my parents and getting together with a few friends. 
​As much I would love for this entire break to be all couch bashing and movie binging, unfortunately it just can't be because I really do need to get some jobs done around here, especially in the garden which is starting to look like the set of The Jungle Book. And this is the biggest dilemma that I face every holiday period, finding that perfect balance between self time, job time and time that I give to others.
In the past I would've had my entire two week hiatus booked out well in advance, but I try not to torture myself like that anymore. Then I went through a faze where I would just hide from everyone and not even return text messages so that I could slip unencumbered onto the couch everyday to binge watch entire seasons of TV, but I just ended up feeling like a big lazy lump at the end of the two weeks because I hadn't got anything important done.
These days I like to find a healthy and also not completely unproductive medium where I catch up with people that I  want to see (not people that I feel obligated to see), get a few things ticked off the household 'to do' list and also settle back onto the couch to binge watch TV and movies for a couple of uninterrupted hours a day. 
There is absolutely nothing selfish about making sure that you actually get some needed rest during your holidays, and sometimes that means that you have to politely say no to requests or put a 'to do' list job on the 'do later' list.
Besides I can admit that I practically limped over the finish line last week. I was exhausted, tired and still not 100% well after the dreaded lurgy smashed me apart two weeks ago. Choosing to take some time to completely repair seems like a necessity to me at this point and I really don't think that I have the energy to soldier on much more anyway if I am really being honest.  The time to go outlaw and reclaim some self time has truly arrived, and I am claiming my self time for myself...y'all hear me? I am claiming it! So step back and give me some room to reclaim my me time! Phewww... really got lost in the moment and went all Outlaw Josey Wales for a minute there didn't I? And that's how I know for sure that I need to claim back some me time and get some rest, I am literally going crazy! 

You can take every precaution in the world, but no matter how well planned or prepared you may think you are, a head cold or some new strain of the flu will eventually track you down and smack you to the ground like a bad playground bully. Turns out that my health scare was just the flu, I say 'just the flu' very flippantly, but the alternative to that was far worse, so I am sticking to 'just the flu.' 
Of course, 'just the flu' has come with a plethora of discomfort and side effects that have today forced me to hide away from the world, not just for my benefit but also for everyone else's as well. Body aches, headaches, chest pains, severe joint pain, nausea, dizziness, a persistent dry hacking cough and the all so lovely night sweats have all made an appearance over the past five days and I have been left feeling drained, impatient, over-tired and frayed around the edges in ways that I have not felt for a very long time, and do not wish to feel again in a very long time. 
It is always the last couple of weeks of the Winter school term that really brings the 'shove over' for me every year. In fact, according to my journal entries, every year for the last 8 years in  a row I have had some kind of head cold or flu in the month of June. Thankfully, none of them have required anything more than a couple of days of rest, but still it would appear that 'tis the season for me to feel gross, wear out and generally feel like a slice of shit toast every year. 
In light of that, perhaps in the future June would be a fortuitous time for me to take a trip each year to Bahamas in order to escape the dark recesses of Winter and the dreaded lurgy that hunts me down and pounces on me at the same time every year. However, I doubt that my employer would share my enthusiasm for an annual winter retreat, so that idea will probably need to wait until I am retired. 
I swear that bears have the right idea when it comes to seasonal self adjustment though. Gorge yourself stupid on all of the deliciousness of an Autumnal harvest, find a comfy place to hide and sleep out the dead of Winter and then pop back into the world when the Spring blooms are just peaking their heads out of the soil. Sounds terrific to me!
I have always found the human need to maintain the status quo during the winter months both ridiculous and counter productive, because let's be honest we all need more rest in the winter time. It's darker, colder and completely uninviting outdoors most of the time. You just want to eat way too much comfort food for your trousers to manage! And getting out of bed in the mornings is often an impossible and monumentally unpleasant task. The writing is on the wall isn't it really? Let's make the months of June, July and August four day working weeks. Everyone gets an extra day off a week to be like a bear and roll about in bed, binge on Netflix and eat stoggy goodies! Hooray, Winter woes solved! Everyone gets more rest time, less cold exposure and a day to play every week. I think that I would actually look forward to Winter a lot more if that was going to happen every year.
And I honestly believe that my brilliant idea would mean that less people would get really sick as well. I mean you would have less exposure to other people and therefore less exposure to other people's germs, you would also be more rested and better fed therefore making you generally more resilient as well and you would be feeling a lot more job satisfaction because the work to life ratio would be more agreeable. We really do need to take a leaf out of the books of the hibernating and migrating creatures of the world because the animals clearly have their shit sorted out a lot better than we do. I'm pretty sure bears don't have to ring in sick or contend with hacking coughs all night during the winter do they? 

It always takes something serious to happen to your health to jump start you into action. Nothing like a surprise health scare to really force an unwelcome re-evaluation of your current physical status. Only days ago I was wandering about in blissful oblivion of my own physical shortcomings, and now I am suddenly reflecting with a terrifying and hyper critical eye about how I have really 'let myself go' and how I have probably rained all of this down on myself anyway.
I find that whenever something goes wrong with me physically I immediately thrust myself into this ridiculously harsh and deeply damning zone that forces me to take hard, cold stock of my physical make-up and my body flaws. It is not a friendly or self loving place to be, trust me, it's horrible.
Suddenly, I start to see every minor physical imperfection as a glaringly horrible obstacle that stands before my ability to thrive.  I begin to rapidly hate the failings of my body as I scrutinize every inch of my aging physique and every major health choice that I have made in the past, desperately searching for a logical reason for my body to fail me. I eat well, I take care of myself, I have a fulfilling lifestyle, I get adequate rest, I exercise...why is this happening to me? 
But the truth is, that sometimes bodies just fail. Even really healthy, sexy, slim and young ones fail, and it has nothing to do with years of abuse or sabotage, sometimes it is just the genetic hand that we are dealt that determines how things will play out and there is little or nothing that we can do about it. 
As you get older, you do start to notice that things on your body don't...how can I put this? Operate as well as they used to. Things start to head south rapidly and you find that you have new aches and pains that you never used to have. Weird ones, ones that just appear like unwanted hair in the wrong places or liver spots on the backs of your hands, but more annoying and sometimes more alarming than that. I personally find these annoying new arrivals extremely hard to analyse, because it is so damn difficult to decide if I should worry about them and consider any of them serious, or if I should just ignore them as normal signs of aging. No-one tells you, so you don't know for sure. And at my age, you still feel way too young to have any serious health complications so you generally dismiss all of the unwelcomed weird stuff as nothing, but this may not always be the wisest thing to do. 
Ignoring any health complications, no matter how small they may seem, is definitely not a smart thing to do. And having those honest and scrutinizing assessments with yourself, although uncomfortable, are also at times completely necessary. I wish that I was bulletproof, but I am not, I am human, which sometimes makes me fallible and fragile and susceptible to illness and disease. And as much as I really don't like going to see the GP, I think that a professionals opinion may be important for me right now.
There really is nothing like a health scare to boot your thinking back to those things that you hold in the highest esteem in your life, and how much you would hate to jeopardise your chances of making the most of your time. It is unfortunate that we as humans aren't made a little more resilient than we are, but perhaps it is our fragility that make us all the more precious and special, and also so utterly worth fighting to preserve.  

When you have a couple of crappy things happen to you in row, it can be really easy to get totally gung-ho with the 'poor me' routine and lose sight of what is really going on. Over the last week it has been one of those weeks in our household, one of those opposite to a Midas touch kind of weeks, where everything that you do, even if you set out to do it with really grand and noble intentions, it turns out to be shit show.
We all know what it feels like, we have all been there and people even say that these things come in threes to try and limit the amount of crap that can arrive in their lives at one time. However, things do not come in threes, they come any damn way that they want to, because the universe is totally random and unpredictable, which means that sometimes they come in tens and or even twenties. However, sometimes these things that we perceive to be obstacles or setbacks or problems are actually just signposts of change or opportunities to grow, but it's so bloody hard to see it that way when you're in the thick of it all.  
The first thing that you need to do in these situations is to define what really constitutes as a disaster. To some people a flat tyre is a disaster, to others it is merely an inconvenience and then to  others is it a chance to take a walk and smell the flowers. For me a flat tyre is somewhere in the middle, hardly a disaster, but not exactly a delight either. Unfortunately, most people fall into the disaster zone pretty quickly, and it is something that I am attempting to try and engage in less and less often. 
For example, my car needs repairs and I need to go to hospital to have something corrected that is making me uncomfortable.  Neither of these is a disaster, firstly I can pay for the repairs and medical bills and secondly I have a car and can get the medical treatment that I require immediately. That's a lot more than millions of other people in the world have, so first world squabbling about something manageable is pointless and stupid. Is it inconvenient? Sure, but so what? There's no point whining about it, let's just get it done and move on. 
And pretty much all of my stuff has been inconvenient, but that's all, just inconvenient. Some of it has been my own fault actually, like the speeding ticket that I got last Friday night. I got that ticket because I was speeding, no-one told me to speed or made me speed and I didn't even need to rush to where I was going to, so that was clearly a signpost for me to slow the fuck down! I know that I am lead foot at times, and there is nothing more humbling than a hefty bill to make you ease off the accelerator. And I was going way too fast, I could have caused an accident or pranged my car, and then I would've had a disaster to contend with!
So I think that when these things do happen you need to step back and have a really good look at what is actually occuring. Ask yourself, how much of this has been created by your own choices? How much is just necessary maintenance on an abundant lifestyle? And will you even care about this in 6 weeks time? Once you've answered those questions then you can analyse your real depth of disaster or lack thereof, because most of the time everything is really pretty amazing and we do need to be grateful for those moments and not let the small inconveniences distract us from that fact. 

Can you believe that I have been feeling so zenned out lately that I had totally forgotten what it felt like to get really angry? Sure I have gotten annoyed and antsy from time to time, but not full blown 'Mad Max Fury Road' for a while now. I'm talking really angry and uber frustrated because this week I did encounter those feelings for the first time in a really long time and it was so completely lousy in every way. I'd forgotten how genuinely shithouse those feelings are, and as a result of that I just didn't know how to process them. How the hell do people that are angry all of the time function? It's so exhausting being cross, I just wanted to go and have a lay down!
I was at work when it happened, which is the exact place that you do not want to be when you find yourself feeling ultra frustrated and pissed off, so I couldn't just go on an hour long hike into the bush or meditate the feelings out of me, I had to deal with them. If I was a big time shouter, trust me when I say that I would've been yelling, but I didn't yell....I just broke down. Snapped like a twig and wept, which isn't exactly the best way to process frustration but I suppose that it beats throwing a stapler at someones head or smashing their face into the side of the photocopier, so in the big scheme of things it wasn't a complete disaster.
I was however shocked at the uncontrollable outpouring  of emotion that I felt. I don't cry that often so I was quite horrified when my body just let go like it did, horrified but not disgusted or ashamed of myself for it, just shocked. I used to think that crying was a display of weakness because I was raised to believe that that was true, and in the past I would have been questioning whether I was going through perimenopause or something like it, but in the last couple of years of my life I have come to understand that crying is most certainly not a sign of weakness at all.
We live in a world that demands that we keep a lid on our feelings most of the time, but the truth is that it isn't really healthy to keep a lid on your feelings all of the time, that kind of thinking creates barriers and gives people cancer. There are going to be moments in your life when emotions are going to rise up from the shadows where you've worked hard to keep them contained and you will become, even if it is only for a few moments, unable to stuff them back down, and you know what? That's totally okay. 
Showing that you are affected deeply by something is not weak, pathetic or dishonorable, it's human. And as long as you aren't having regular breakdowns on a daily basis then it's totally acceptable to release a bit of tension and anxiety and let the tears flow on occasion. I remember hearing once that people only cry when the emotions inside of them get so big that their bodies cannot contain it any longer and so it has to find an exit, and that exit is through the windows of the soul. It's kind of beautiful when you think about it like that, it's cathartic and cleansing and purifying to the soul to cry once and awhile. 
And so I have had a big cry and let it all out and you know what, I actually do feel better for it. When you don't cry that often then people do tend to take notice when you do and I think that I probably couldn't have communicated my level of frustration and annoyance in a better way than I did now that I look back on it. However, one thing that all of this has taught me is that no matter how zenned out you may think you are, it is a very thin line between keeping your composure and being ridiculously annoyed and frustrated, and that no-one has it all together all of the time. 

I often get asked by people that never watch horror movies about my levels of tolerance to scary and supernatural material.  'How do you watch all that horror and not get totally freaked out?' they ask me, claiming that the Freddy Kruegers and Babadooks of the cinematic world would keep them awake for nights on end if they were watching it.  
My reply to these enquiries are always the same, and it has nothing to do with having a high tolerance to violent or disturbing material, quite the opposite really. My reason for not being deeply affected by horror is that it is, for the most part, absolutely implausible bullshit. I am not going to be kept awake at night worrying about fictional characters, spooks or demonic behaviours when I know that they are nothing more than the creations of someones overactive imagination.
I totally respect horror for it's genuinely entertaining and inventive storytelling and I enjoy the thrill of watching horror, but it doesn't keep me awake at night or affect me that deeply because my brain can tune it out based on the fact that is all untrue. What does keep me awake at night are movies that are based on true crime stories, actual events and tragedies and tales of home invasion. I have spent a lot more time lying in bed at night trying to clear the cache of some of the stuff on my gritty/ documentary and crime lists than I have ever spent pondering a rogue werewolf or a poltergeist. 
​When a film has an element of realism or fact attached to it then my mind interprets it on a whole other level. I can recall my father telling me when I was small that being scared of ghosts was just plain stupid and that the real dangers in the world and the things to worry about and look out for were the bad people who are very much alive and kicking. 'The dead can't hurt you' he said 'it's the live ones that you need to watch out for.' And I think that I have always hung my hat on that advice and it has allowed me to keep my focus on the rational things to be afraid of and not the fables and fantasies.  
There are some genuinely depraved and sick individuals out there in the world that make your average vampire and werewolf look like kittens. After all, a werewolf is really just a wild animal driven by the need to feed and even a vampire can be taken down with a bit of sunlight and decent sharpened stake, but the real life sickos of the world are far more insidious than that. They are often intelligent, manipulative and far more deranged than any Hollywood monster or horror character has ever been. 
It's the grizzly Ted Bundy, Andrei Chikatilo, Jeffrey Dahmer and John Gacy types of the world that keep me awake at night. Serial stalkers that prey on the weak and the innocent, have no remorse for their actions, cannot control their impulses and are prone to the cruelest and the most violently inhumane acts ever know to man, they are the terrors of the world that mess with my mind at night. They are the reason that I can't listen to True Crime podcasts and avoid watching too many crime investigation dramas. Give me a rampaging ghost or demonic possession over a true crime story any day thanks, at least I know that I will get some sleep and not feel unsafe all of the time. 
Truth is not only stranger than fiction, it is much much darker as well, and it is important to remember that most movie monsters and horror characters are all actually derived from the evils of man in the first place anyway. The real evils of the world are not only more disturbing, they are also constantly humming in the background, unseen and mostly unconsidered as well. And unlike a supernatural villain, they cannot be dismissed as folly or fiction either. There are no Hollywood sets, costumes or blood spatter effects going on in true crime stories, they are about real life monsters and their real life victims and the dreadful terrors that they endured, which easily makes them the most evil, horrific and unforgettable stories to wrap you head around.
​True crime is the stuff of nightmares, not horror movies, and that is why watching horror movies does not  keep me awake at night.