Every year around the end of Autumn and the beginning of Winter I suffer from a bit of mild depression. Not a throw myself from the nearest building kind of depression, more of a self doubting, self loathing and melancholic period that always seems to appear at the same time of the year. The darker, wetter and colder days seem to also bring with them an air of despair and uncertainty that leaves me feeling out of tune with everything and everyone. I can feel my resilience and tolerance faltering and my usually optimistic demeanor becomes somewhat surley and pessimistic. During these moments I have to fight the urge to run and hide under a blanket somewhere, far away from the world and all of it's noisy responsibilities and complications. 
It's a strange and unnamable feeling that makes me want to retreat, and stranger still is the fact that I am never really sure of what I am actually retreating from. Generally I am a bit over-emotional, super sensitive, easily angered and melodramatic at these times of the year, it's kind of like PMS on steroids and its not a lot of fun for me or the people around me. And what really gets to me about it all, is why? Why do I have these periods in my life and why are they so cyclic? 
Perhaps it is because of the crappy weather, maybe it's because of the stockpile of bills that come at this time of the year that need to be paid, maybe it's because I am just a little run down from being unwell and overwhelmed by the demands of my everyday routine, and then maybe it is actually just a combination of all of those things. Whatever the reason, I do know one thing for sure, it always and I mean always occurs around this time of the year.
Last year around this time I had a particularly difficult time with depression and I felt it more completely than I had in previous years. I had a total dark night of the soul and was actually really concerned about some of the thoughts that I was entertaining. I went to a really dark place and it lasted for way too long. I also had a massive and incredibly painful falling out with my siblings at this time last year, and they have all since become estranged to me, and maybe the hurt of that feels particularly raw at this time of the year and adds to my melancholy. However, I would be lying if I said that it was any one particular thing that made me feel the early winter blues so intensely. 
However, it is not all doom and gloom! By recognising this pattern of self doubt and inner turmoil, I have become a lot better at managing it. Through meditation and yoga practises I have learnt to curb my personal negativity and anxiety because I can now recognize what is happening a lot earlier on. I also know with great certainty that these melancholic moments are transient and fleeting and that I do not have to engage with them when they occur. I no longer need to feed and clothe my personal demons everytime that I get anxious or worried, I can just recognise them and then let them go quietly back into the night. I also recognise that everyone has times in their lives that are rife with anxiety and uncertainty and that I am not alone in my struggles and that it is all a normal part of any growth cycle to fall over every now and then. 
I can now bravely acknowledge that I do get blues from time to time, but it doesn't define who I am and that I don't have to let it take hold of me. Like a quiet passenger on the bus of life I can simply notice these feelings as I pass them by, waving farewell to them before they even get a chance to take hold of me. And that is big part of what surviving your own depression and dark thoughts is like really. You know that these times and thoughts are going to come around every now and again, but like negative people that are hard to have around, you just have to choose to not engage them.
Sometimes that requires a lot of strength, a lot more than you think that you can muster up, but essentially you can. You really can, in spite of whatever your head may be telling you, and just as winter arrives every year, so too does summer and the most powerful thing to remember to help you to get yourself out of a funk like this is that nothing ever lasts forever. It's all transient and it's all fleeting, and you don't have to stay in the moment any longer then you choose to, you can let go at any time, at any moment, just let it pass you by. 

When you work in a niche market, sell an exclusive product or deliver something that no-one else is really offering you become at risk of being too damn exclusive for your own good. In fact you can become a difficult, egotistical douchebag quite quickly if you are not being somewhat self aware and taking into account the needs and feelings of your clientele or target audience.
We have all seen it happen to professionals, especially entertainers. You find yourself enamoured by some new flavour of the month, you buy their album or go to see their latest film and you allow yourself to think that they are really cool because of their singing, acting or dancing. But then, you see them on television being interviewed or on some talk show like Graeme Norton and you think to yourself - what a fucking dickhead!
It totally taints the way that you saw them and you realise that all of that fame has totally gone to their heads and that they have succumbed to the "getting too exclusive" virus, and yep, now you actually really don't like them at all anymore. And it's not just because they're dickheads, it's also because they fooled you into thinking that they were someone else and you almost feel betrayed by that and you most definitely feel let down. 
Well, from my experience, you don't need to be rich or famous to be getting too exclusive for your own good. In fact I have found that if people or even organisations feel like they have the monopoly over something then they tend to take on air of exclusivity very bloody quickly indeed and it can leave people feeling alienated and on the outer rim. And I am speaking from some very recent personal experiences that I have encountered where I have felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall to get anywhere because I wasn't in the 'know' enough to be given the respect that I deserved. 
I'm not going to really get into it because these organisations are reputable and do have some terrific people working for them and I don't want to tar everyone with the same dirty brush here, but if you or your business, or your organisation starts to get so exclusive that you are alienating people and making them feel like shit, then you are getting way too exclusive for your own good.
There is a terrific quote by Malcolm S. Forbes that says: You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. 
Pretty good words to live by I reckon and certainly not a part of the mindset of the all too exclusive people of this world that's for sure!

Toothache really is in a realm all by itself. This week I had a pretty tough week, so tough that I let my entire routine go out of the window because I had to. I was in excruciating pain for days and even though the worst of it is over, I am still basically like a cantankerous bear with a splinter in it's paw. I didn't eat, didn't sleep longer than a two hour stretch, didn't do yoga or meditation, didn't practise any of my usual lessons or even (God forbid) complete a blog. What I did do, between my work hours was moan, groan and lay about on the couch drugged out of my mind watching bullshit TV and hating my life.
How did I get this way? Well let me tell you a little story about heartache and the loss of God....just kidding...it wasn't actually that bad. Let me tell you about the time that a dentist butchered me though....
On Saturday of last week I went to the dentist for my routine six month clean and scale. I didn't have any concerns about my teeth and I was in really good health. I was however seeing a dentist that I wouldn't usually see, which would turn out to be one of my worst errors in judgement ever. My usual dentist has a life of luxury and only works 4 days a week from 9am to 3pm, which renders him pretty much useless to the working class society, so I thought I would do the right thing and not take time off for a routine clean and scale that I would just go to another dentist at the same practise, after all it was for a 20 min check-up not a root canal.
Anyway, this new dentist, let's call him Dr Slaughter, had me in the chair for an hour. He x-rayed, poked about and gave me a very thorough deep clean, which at the time I thought, okay great, obviously I needed all that. And even though I didn't enjoy it, I figured that I must have needed the extra invasive cleaning and told myself that I was getting value for money. 
The first day after the cleaning I was fine, and the second I was mildly uncomfortable, but I have had periodontal work so a little oral discomfort is not foreign to me. By Tuesday, shit was getting real and I had started to take Panadol and Nurofen on two hourly rotations. Let me point out that I NEVER take cope dope, not ever, it has to be serious for me to even go there.
Anyway Tuesday night, no dinner and a little sleep - too much pain. Wednesday I had to travel to Melbourne for a work PD, almost 3 hours each way, that was a long day with a lot of pain, drugged myself with over-the-counter remedies to an illegal level and soldiered on. Picked at a couple of things, didn't sleep again and woke up to thumping, pounding, shooting pains and nausea on Thursday. After being so tired and so empty and so exhausted for so many days I finally crumbled. Tears and tears, I gave in and made an appointment to see the dentist, my usual dentist. 
After some inspection and another lot of x-rays, he confirmed that my teeth were excellent, but some of my gums were so inflamed that they were higher that my teeth in my mouth. Well, that explained the pain alright. Toothache, or in this case, deep gum pain is a special hell all of its own. I have not felt so worn down, unwell, exhausted or overwhelmed by pain since I was in labour over thirteen years ago. It was BAD, so bad. I even had another good cry at the dentist's office and he felt so sorry for me that he called me at home (after hours) the next day to check on me. 
So my teeth were fine, it was a gum problem. I had to be referred to a periodontal expert to have a look as well, but even he was confused because the x-rays looked good. After examining my swollen and agonisingly tender mouth he concurred with what my dentist had said and also believed that some type of bacteria had entered my mouth during or just after the cleaning process when my gums were open, and that Dr Slaughter had caused trauma to my gum area by being too invasive. Basically I had a secondary infection of a fierce kind, one that required strong antibiotics and even stronger pain killers, which my dentist happily prescribed to me. 
Being keen to get some pain relief I went in hard on the drugs, which did give me a most welcomed nights sleep, but did also cause me to violently chunder into the garden on Friday morning after I took too many of them and then tried to drink a coffee. Live and learn. I am a bit of a prescription drug lightweight, and when you never have them, they work really well. So this weekend I have basically been lying about half out of my skull on pain relief and doing as little as possible. The antibiotics are working beautifully and everyday I get a significant reduction in pain and discomfort, so hallelujah to that! 
The lesson in all of this is? Don't ever go to a strange dentist, just organise the time off and see your usual one. Well, that's my take away from all of that anyway. Make an appointment at the slightest hint of 'after' pain before you start to contemplate self-surgery like I was and most importantly don't let one butcher put you off of going to the dentist forever, which is going to be my biggest hurdle now. Honestly, the thought of a dental check up right just sends shivers of dread straight down my spine! 
Thank God for Marvel, who was delivering another delightful instalment of super this weekend, honestly the distraction couldn't have arrived at a better time, and what a mighty fine distraction is was!

Whilst perusing Pinterest yesterday an advertisement popped up for Neuralink's new 'Smart Drug' which is basically a mind enhancement medication, which is now on the market and being promoted by Elon Musk who is offering free trials. These revolutionary tablets apparently improve a person's mental performance, problem solving abilities, concentration, efficiency and memory by (aka. up to) 97%, which sounds way too good to be true doesn't it? 
However, people that have trialled the drug are claiming that all of the above is true and more, in fact the people that took them said that they felt more focused and calm than they could have ever imagined that they would ever be, but to be honest I do wonder how much of a mess they were to begin with. Regular users are quoted as saying outrageously sensationalised statements like "it makes me into a Godlike sponge" whatever the fuck that means, or "I have never felt so engaged and capable before" which does sound positive, but again probably way too good to be true. 
There is absolutely no doubt that the idea of optimising yourself is appealing on many levels, but on a more realistic level, I also have a million questions to ask about these wonder tablets. Firstly, and foremostly, what the hell is in these tablets? Who or what have they tested them on? What are the long term effects of taking these kinds of enhancers? Are they addictive? And what happens if you just stop taking them?
I have watched way too many science fiction movies where people in the future quite innocently start to take human enhancing drugs only to wake up with something god awful growing out of them or one day just realising that they have totally lost their minds and the idea of eating their pet cat seems completely plausible. Yes, everyone wants to gets smarter, better, faster, stronger but no sane person wants to be a human guinea pig. 
However, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't curious and maybe even a little keen to try them for myself, but then on the other hand I do feel sad that we all feel so compelled to be continually pushing and stretching our personal limits as humans. I mean this is really just another prime example of us not being enough isn't it? Is this hunger to be more and perform better actually driving us further away from our own true natures as human beings? What will the world look like if we are all operating at a genius level anyway? And what happens to the people that choose not to get on board, or cannot afford to get onboard because the tablets will clearly come with a hefty price tag? Will being 'super smart' only be for the rich or elite? And how is that going to be fair?
Nope, there are too many unanswered questions for me at this point and there are way too many variables that I have serious concerns about before I am willing to get on board with this 'smart drug' of the future. I am all for enhancing the quality of life that I live and I am most definitely all about being alert and active, but I am not sure that being 97% more focused is really what I need in my life right now. If I was 97% more alert than I am already, then I think that my head would explode. If anything, I think that I need to get about 50% less focused!
However, regardless of how you feel about the progression that is being made in the field of human enhancements, they are occurring and it is absolutely inevitable that they are going to become a part of all of our futures, whether we choose to engage in it or not, and I do wonder a lot about what that future will look like for us all. 

It is always around Earth Day that our attention is drawn to our impact on the environment and our carbon footprint. No-one wants to be responsible for fucking the planet up for future generations, but on some level many of us actually are. After taking a quiz about my carbon footprint on the Earth Day website this morning I was horrified to learn that if everyone lived the same way the I do than we would need 4 Earths to deal with the impact that I am making! Woah, heavy! And I always thought that I was trying harder than the average bear when it comes to being ecological! Clearly, I am not doing nearly enough and the whole thing made me feel absolutely dreadful and completely guilt ridden, but I think that we all probably need a really good kick up the arse when it comes to our personal levels of environmental awareness, because being environmentally sound clearly takes a lot more effort and attention than most of us actually giving it. 
It is very easy to forget about our impact on the environment, and most of the time we don't even consider it at all. We allow ourselves to believe that someone who is far more passionate about environmental issues than we are is already out there fighting the good fight for us. This rather ridiculous belief allows us to become extremely flippant and lazy when it comes to being personally responsible for the environment, and for the most part dreadfully irresponsible. 
It is only in the last few years that I have really started to become more aware of my global footprint. I have made a concerted effort to try and be more eco-friendly and globally conscious. For example, we have installed solar panels on our home, we grow our own produce, we do errands and shop whilst we are in town to save on fuel consumption, we don't use plastic bags, we compost all of our green waste and we are avid recyclers. However, although we have made some positive changes, we are still not doing enough and with 4 Earths hanging over our heads, we need to do a hell of a lot more! 
In fact, Australia has one of the worst global footprints per capita than most of the world. We may have incredible beaches and an awesome lifestyle, but that all feels pretty shithouse when you realise that we are actually fucking up the globe by being dreadful unecological and environmentally unaware. The average global footprint per person in Australia is actually 4.8 Earths, which is something that we really need to do something about, and I do believe that awareness is key when it comes to change. 
The good news is that there are simple ways that each of us can reduce our global impact immediately, and they don't need to be huge changes, just small consistent ones. Here are some simple ways that you can reduce your carbon footprint and start to make a difference:

• Ride, walk, take public transport or carpool whenever you can.
• Don't speed when you drive! Speeding and unneccessary acceleration increase your mileage by up to 33% which wastes fuel and money. 
• Drive an eco-friendly car.
• If you must fly, always fly economy, it works like carpooling by sharing the emissions.
• Insulate your home and windows and only buy appliances with high ENERGY STAR ratings. 
• Turn off lights and appliances that are not being used, and only use LED or compact fluorescent globes. 
• Keep your heating temperature set to 21 degrees celsius or below and grab a blanket if you're still cold. 
• Install solar panels on your house.
• Eat locally sourced organic produce or better still grow your own!
• Eat less meat and if possible eat none. 
• Install water saving devices on showers, toilets and appliances like washing machines and dishwashers. 
• Never use plastic bags and become an avid recycler. 
• Start composting.
• Use grey water on gardens and only planet climate appropriate vegetation on your property.

Small changes are a great way to start, and doing things a little a lot of the time is the best way to make significant changes for the better. We really do need to be more personally responsible about doing more for our environment. Look around you, it's a wonderful place this world of ours. So precious and beautiful and obviously completely fragile, and each of us is having our own impact on that, an impact that we all need to be personally responsible for. Make one small change right now and help to reduce your global impact today because none of us can afford to pretend that what we do doesn't make a difference. 

I am not afraid of the dark. I know of some adults that still find the dark quite terrifying and being severely afraid of the dark is a very real phobia called Nyctophobia. Some researchers, beginning with Sigmund Freud, consider a fear of the dark to be a manifestation of separation anxiety, but to be honest, with most people that I know of, it appears to stem from watching a horror movie or seeing some other scary as all shit 'unknown' thing in the dark that seems to tweak people's fear of the night. 
Unfortunately, at night time it is quite hard to see, so it can allow people's imaginations to run amok. There really is no greater fear than that of the unknown, and when you can't see things properly the unknown can easily transform into a myriad of horrific possibilities. Suddenly a sheet on the clothesline is a ghost, an animal scurrying about is a robber, a tree rubbing against a house is a witch, or a ghoul or a serial killer. Quite often when people say that they are afraid of the dark they are really just afraid of what they cannot see - the unknown, and the possibilities of what it could be masking. 
Night time is exactly like the day time in my mind, in fact for me personally, I generally think that the night has a lot more to offer in many instances. In the evening the noise pollution lessens, the stars come out and generally everyone is a lot more chilled out than they are in the day time. When it gets dark all the naughty children are quiet and sleeping, everything looks prettier in candlelight and no-one judges you for watching a movie marathon. Another night time plus is the moon, which is constantly changing and far more interesting and observable than the sun, which looks pretty much the same every single day and is impossible to look at because it burns your eyes out of their sockets if you try; now what's to like about that?
​I think that when you live out of town, you kind of have to make your peace with the darkness. When we are facing the dark side of the moon out here in Enfield, it is black and I mean complete and total darkness. You can struggle to see your own hand in front of your face on nights like that, and I have spent many dark evenings on the porch listening to the sounds of the night. Even someone like me who isn't even afraid of the dark can appreciate how easily one's mind can run away with itself if you let it when it is really dark.
There a lot of nocturnal animals scooting around in the dark out here and I have spotted foxes, owls, bats, feral cats and even echidnas foraging about in the cool, calm, quiet of the night. It was only this evening that I had a bunch of kangaroos give me a start when I was taking the recycling out and didn't see them until I almost stood on one of them. But there is nothing scary about a few animals going about their business so none of those nocturnal activities has made me love the night any less. 
Nope, I am not scared of the dark. There are far more scary things in this world than the dark that's for sure, and a lot of those things are very comfortable in the daytime. If anything that I consider to be 'scary' was going to try and get me I would rather that it came for me at night time anyway because it so much easier to hide at night, and I actually feel safer with better hiding options.
There are way too many cool things about the night to not love it completely, but if you do suffer from Nyctophobia, then I deeply sympathise, and I also suggest a total avoidance of horror movies and a really good night light. 

One thing that I have learnt, albeit rather painfully, to accept over the years is that money comes and money goes, and that there is absolutely no point in getting stressed out when everything expensive seems to happen all at once. Sure watching all of you hard earned savings slip through your fingers isn't the most enjoyable thing to endure, but it happens and that is what savings are for - for a rainy day. 
These things have happened before and they will most definitely happen again as well, and no amount of worry has ever made any money problems magically subside. Worrying about money is about as fruitful as trying to dig a hole in the ground with the power of your mind, in other words it is a mentally exhausting and utterly useless kind of worry.
However, regardless of how zen you may feel about money issues or how easily you relinquish the control of your cash flow,  every now and then we all still get caught up in a little financial hardship that makes us feel shitty, a tad destitute and just flatout broke. 
This week has been one of those weeks for me. I have experienced a serious drain on my financial resources, and it has made it really difficult for me to feel happy and excited about being on holidays because I am flat broke. I actually think that I was just blindsided by the events of today and now I have to make my peace with it.
It all started when I took my car in to have a simple and routine wheel balance and alignment done, and then it turned out that I needed four new tyres as well. Right, well there goes another $600 dollars, not to mention the termite inspector that came out yesterday and cost me $220, and I also had to find the money to lock in our New Zealand holiday this week which meant juggling and draining accounts to no end. Oh and my rego was in the letter box when I got home as well, and I got a text from the dentist to book in for a routine clean and scale and another one from my GP to go and have my lady bits inspected, and there's a passport renewal sitting on my desk and....and.....and. You know how it goes, when it rains it pours and there is nothing that you can do about it. 
However, on the bright and exceptionally zen side of it all, I now have a safe and smooth car to drive around in, I have an incredibly fun holiday to New Zealand planned with my family to look forward to, I don't have termites, my teeth are going to get a good clean and having my lady bits checked will offer some peace of mind. So, yeah I am broke, but for good reason and purpose. I am not wasting money or resources, and now because I am so broke then I have no choice but to stay at home for the rest of the break and watch movies and read books all day long...oh dear...poor me!
This sudden lack of funds could actually turn out to be a big blessing in disguise, and an excuse for me to batter down the hatches and not leave Enfield for days on end, hmmm....I can really make this work for me, I sense some B grade horror movie marathons coming my way!

Getting a little bit worn out now, just like everyone else, but still trucking on. I cannot afford to get too tired but I haven't exactly been leaving a lot of space in my life for rest at the moment. I haven't even been at home very much lately and I think that Craig is starting to feel like a widower; but there is not much that can be done about it. There really doesn't look like much respite on the horizon or anytime soon to be honest, so I'm just making my peace with busy and getting on with it all. Busy is just a side of effect of the season and when the dust all settles there will plenty of time for feet up and cocktails on the deck, so just keep calm and carry on I say. 
​I have pulled out all of my old Christmas movies and I am making my way through some of my favourites as the days to Christmas begin to countdown. I love an excuse to hit the couch for a couple of hours at this time of year, and a seasonal favourite can be just what the doctor ordered. 
I wish that I had a top ten of Christmas movie favourites to recommend, but I don't think that 10 really excellent Christmas movies actually exist, I could only think of nine that warranted three or more chili peppers:

1. The Nightmare Before Christmas (Kid Friendly)
2. A Christmas Carol (Kid Friendly)
3. It's a Wonderful Life (Fantasy)
4. Love Actually (Romance)
5. Gremlins (Fantasy)
6. The Grinch (Kid Friendly)
7. Go (Comedy)
8. The Night Before (Comedy)
9. Tangerine (Gritty)

To be fair Gremlins, Tangerine and Go are set during Christmas but aren't exactly Christmas tales, but they are totally great and worthy of a seasonal viewing; all nine of the above can be found on my genre lists if you need to see the full reviews and I have listed their genres next to them. Elf almost made the list and is a solid 2.5 Chili Peppers for me, and the rest of the Christmas movies that I have seen are, well.....meh. Generally Christmas movies are toxic, contrived crap-fests with poor and un-original storylines which is terribly annoying because people still want quality viewing at Christmas, or it that just me?
Anyway, there are lots of great vacation movies that are equally good to watch over the silly season, and one that always gets me laughing is Mr Bean's Holiday. I say ditch a shitty Christmas movies in favour of this one, what a ripper Summer holiday tale that is!

Now we are starting to hot up! The calendar is rapidly filling up and there is barely a free afternoon, let alone a free day between now and Christmas. This is the time of year when you truly get see what people are really made of. Some people take this busyness in their stride, grab hold of it with both hands and make it their bitch, and on the flip side of that coin you have the people that just straight up turn into whiny arse bitches that make everything a lot harder than it needs to be. 
Every year it happens and every year I say it, IT IS CHRISTMAS people, not the fucking apocalypse. Get a smile on your dial and get on board because this level of awesome only happens once every year, and it can be so much fun if you just let it! It is (as the song clearly states) the most wonderful time of the year and it is also an opportunity to think about others that are less fortunate than yourself, a time to count your blessings and a time to be mindful of others. It is a time of giving, sharing and demonstrating love. It is most certainly not the time to carry on like a twat and start trouble where there is none. Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men? Ring any bells?
I for one am loving the season and I am determined to not let anyone's crapola spoil this terrific time for me. Sure I am looking super busy over the weeks leading up to Christmas, but most of it is delightfully good busy. Lots of dinner dates and get togethers and celebrations, and there is nothing wrong with being busy like that at all. And as far as work goes, well I am loving that too. I am spending my final days at school with my beautiful co-workers and the Grade 5/6 kids, many of whom will be permanently leaving the school like me, in a couple of short weeks time.
I am most definitely not going to spend what little time I have left with these people being sour and surly because as I said, it is NOT the end of the world, it is the exact opposite of that. Right now it is in fact time to deploy your most awesome and generous self, it is time to get your Christmas happy switched on to full alert and it is time to embrace the moment, and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I like to purchase products that will last. I really hate it when things run out, breakdown or stop performing when I haven't had them for very long. I can't say that I like it much better when I have had them for a long time and they breakdown either, if I am being really honest. Why am I mentioning this? Well because today I got home from work, went to grab a cold glass of water and realised that my fridge was warm. No-one ever wants to come home to a warm fridge, especially not on a 35 degree day; but shit like this happens, and my refrigerator is about 15 years old...so.... crap on a stick, my fridge is broken!
Needless to say, I was not happy and it made me very snappy and impatient with everyone in the house because it was an unforeseen annoyance, and everybody knows that they are the worst kinds of annoyances. On top of that, this was a rather inconvenient unforeseen annoyance as well, and I did not get to enjoy a cool glass of water to calm me down, I instead got a tepid glass of water and an hour on the phone trying desperately to get someone to come to Enfield to investigate my inconvenient annoyance. Well by 4.30pm in the afternoon the best I could muster up was a visit from a guy that said he 'might know what to do' (that doesn't really fill one with a lot of hope now does it?) and he could probs squeeze me in some time tomorrow, but he was not exactly sure when. Hmmmm......
​Well, tomorrow is the worst day ever to be vague about times because I am working out at my new job and I cannot afford to not be there for that, so I have had to call in favours and juggle things around; and I tell ya, I am literally having a 'make it work' moment over here people! Anyway, I think that I have strategized the shit out of the situation and now I just have to hope that the service/repair man comes good and does indeed squeeze me in and can indeed fix my refrigerator blues. 
These things sure are sent to test us, that's for sure! They always happen just before a big event (like Christmas) when you're funds are all tied up and they always require many maneuvers to remedy. Nevermind, be zen about it, find the calm and keep moving forward. This type of thing will happen and it won't be the last time that something like this does happen, so losing one's cool over it is not really worth it.
So now I am off to throw out a heap of gross, festering and smelly food that is puddling at the base of my fridge that I haven't been willing to face yet. Lucky, lucky me, what a lovely thing to do on a stinking hot afternoon....reckon the Coke in the fridge could still be salvaged, may need to pour myself a stiff one for this job, a lukewarm stiff one, but a stiff one nonetheless!

Don't you hate it when people borrow things and then never give them back? 
I can't even begin to tell you how many books, movies, CDs and items of clothing I have lent to people over the years and how many of those items were never, ever, seen again. Don't get me wrong, I love to share in the joy of my findings and have no problems with lending things out, but when I never see a lent item ever again, well I'd be lying if I said that I didn't get a little annoyed. 
I also really hate asking people for a borrowed item to be returned, it's so bloody awkward. That shit is way out of my comfort zone and it is not something that I like to ever have to do, but on a number of occasions I have had to ask for an item back because I have legitimately needed it for some reason and god, actually asking for it back - it is so horrid, I really hate doing it. I always feel like such a total asshole asking for a borrowed item back, even though it is technically mine, it just feels bad to ask for it, like I am taking it before they are done with it, which totally defeats the point of lending it out it in the first place. 
I have been known to lose the odd book that has been lent to me, I'd be a liar if I said that I didn't, but I am usually very reliable with my borrowing because I know how much it sucks to have things that you love just disappear from your life. In truth I know that hoarding items and having attachments to things (especially inanimate things) is not healthy, but I must be honest and say that when I purchase an item and I love it, be it a book, movie or crappy cotton scarf, then I don't want to lose it forever; besides in many cases it also means that I need to replace it because I loved it so much; that too has happened to me many times before.
The most heartbreaking thing that I borrowed and lost forever was a pair of earrings that I loved, I still don't know what I was thinking lending them in the first place to be honest. They weren't expensive earrings, but they were not replaceable because they were vintage, so alas I lost them forever. I also lent a jacket out once that I really loved wearing and never saw it again either, that one hurt too; but if you borrow then you run the risk of losing things forever. So I suppose the ultimate message that I am trying to send out here is pretty simple really, never lend out anything that you can't stand to lose. Now if I could just follow my own advice I would probably save myself alot future heartaches. 

Lately I have just been 'getting on' with things.
When I say 'getting on' I mean just getting things done without any fuss or carry on as much as I possibly can. I am not focusing on problems or inadequacies, and I am overlooking as much as I can in the name of 'getting on'. Now I know that may not sound like such a big deal, I mean I am hardly going to find myself being martyred for just 'getting on' with things am I? But I have recently become keenly aware of what I am saying and doing and I am resisting any urge to be petty, whiny or pathetic. This has all come about after I recently read an article about how pettiness has become a modern epidemic and a huge problem worldwide.
Pettiness! An epidemic! Yes, apparently it is true; and psychiatrists and psychologists all over the world are overrun with people that are either suffering from pettiness or that have fallen victim to the pettiness of others.
Apparently, people are blowing shit out of proportion more than they ever have before in history, and it has made people unable to self manage their emotions or deal with their problems without projecting them onto others. Basically, making mountains out of molehills and taking the mundane to epic proportions all in the name of one's own agenda has become so commonplace that people are turning on each other and are showing lowered levels of loyalty and tolerance to each other than ever before. How very, very sad indeed. 
And the worst part is that some people are actually seeing this petty behaviour as hilarious or amusing, people actually believe that it is funny to be rude, cold and even calculating about the way in which they express themselves or their discontent. And when confronted about the way that they have made their victims feel, these people show little to no remorse  for their behaviour either, they actually feel justified in their pettiness. These issues are being raised in therapy sessions more and more around the world and the cruelties of people and their petty, selfish, behaviours are apparently on the increase. 
It is (in some really troubled people's minds) seen as funny to give short, rude and curt responses to others and to even start arguments where there weren't any before. Pointing out people's shortcomings or problems is now the main of the day, and people are willing to stop at nothing to destroy other people, no matter how immature or petty it may be. What-the-fuck? What is wrong with the world? When did revenge become the 'go to' plan? What are we doing to each other? 
Anyway, I am most certainly not willing to join the ranks of the petty haters, and I am making a concerted effort to 'get on' with my own business, not meddle with the affairs of others and not look for problems where there are none. There are real problems out there in the world, finding more of them is really not helping us at all is it?
Do yourself a favour, drop the pettiness, be bigger, be better, be happy and be kind; it's actually harder to do than people think; but it feels so good to just let shit go. 

A lot of the kids at work have been a bit off this week. Is there a full moon that I don't know about? I am a firm believer in full moon madness, I do think that our bodies are greatly affected, just as the tides are, by the cycles of moon. I mean it makes perfect sense, our bodies are made up of 60% water, so it wouldn't really be a stretch to think that our bodies are affected by lunar activity would it? 
I know that all scientific evidence states that the moon actually has zero influence on human moods and behaviours, but sometimes I like to say 'fuck you science' and go with my gut, and when it comes to the beautiful and mysterious moon, I most certainly do not subscribe to science.
Ancient civilisations actually believed that the cycles of the moon were linked to a woman's menstrual cycle, after all it gets full every 28 days. That is why pagans worshipped the moon as the mother goddess symbol, and it is considered among pagan folk to be a sign of great fortune and fertility to have your cycles running in sync with the moon cycles. 
Police have long complained that the full moon is always a far more active time for criminals, however, in all fairness that could be because it is just a lot easier to see at night during a full moon. However, when you consider that a lot of the crimes recorded around the full moon are of a violent nature, visibility does seem to be an unlikely reason for the rise in crime. It's like the moon just makes some people go a bit bonkers; hence the word lunatic, meaning maddened by the lunar cycles. 
And aside from the old full moon werewolf tales, it is actually quite true that more people come to hospital suffering from animal bites around the full moon than at any other time. In fact dog bits are twice as frequent at that time of the month. Explain that science! I bet you can't!
All that I know for sure is that my own personal tide is also mighty high at the moment as well. I have a managed to catch a really annoying head cold, it is actually that time of the month and I don't seem to be able to get a lot of downtime this week because a shit tonne of things seem to be going on. Basically, it is just one of those weeks, one of those full on weeks when you could really use a second you to get everything done easily.
Luckily, I got to the movies on Sunday afternoon to see something of quality that has seen me bopping out in my car to it's soundtrack and losing my woes and myself in music for at least a few minutes every day. 

When things get crazy and hectic, as they so often do in life, it's so important to search a little harder and dig a little deeper; and for want of a better way to describe it - find the shine in your life.
Sometimes the shine can be extremely hard to find, on certain days, it can be downright elusive; on some days it can feel like there is no real shine left in the world to find at all. On those less than average days when everything and everyone appears to present another obstacle or opposition, you can end up feeling completely depleted and deflated by the world and it's constant pressures. Those are the days that require double what it takes and they are most definitely the days when we especially need to nurture ourselves and find a little gold or a tiny pearl amidst the muck and the mire. 
Don't lose hope, there are some pretty easy ways to restore your faith in humanity and re-find the shine, so relax dear readers, I got you covered! Studies have shown that just thinking about the happy times in our lives can boost the serotonin levels in our brain. Serotonin is the essential component in the prefrontal cortex of the brain and it regulates your  emotions and your self-reflection abilities. Basically, the more serotonin that you can get into your brain, the better that you will feel, and since serotonin also has the power to override old panic patterns it's great for generating a calm mind and disposition.
So, thinking happy thoughts is actually really beneficial to your health, and it will most certainly help to lift you out of your funk on a less than terrific day. As Maria sang in The Sound of Music - "when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things, and then I don't feel so bad."  And it turns out that she was quite right about that because just thinking about things that make you happy will lift your spirits and make you see that the world really isn't so bad. 
Here are some other quick fix remedies that I like to use for particularly funky days or whenever the need arises (I hope that they may serve to also help you find your gold or tiny pearl next time you need one). 

• Have a laugh - watch a comedy, share a funny story over the dinner table or phone a friend that has a good sense of humour.
• Pamper yourself -  have a home foot spa, paint your nails, force someone to give you a back rub, dye your hair, have a face mask....you get the picture. 
• Surround yourself with beauty - get to the local gardens, bush areas or to an art gallery, or if hotties are more your style then hit the town.
• Get out of your own way - plan an excursion or an overnight stay to break the cycle, just get out of the house and stop mulling things over!
• Get active - walk it off, run it off or dance it off (Shake it off!)
• Perform a random act of kindness - doing nice things for other people has been scientifically proven to again, boost the serotonin levels in your noggin' - so go and be kind and spread some love around.
• Re-read or re-watch  something you love - must be an oldie but a goodie.
• Soak it out - full on deep bath, tonnes of bubbles, wine in hand and stereo blasting something awesome in the background!
• Watch some harrowing movie or documentary about people that have truly shithouse lives and then smack yourself upside the head for not realising how great your life actually is - works for me!

I've been looking back over the last twenty-something years of my life. Winter is a time that leaves a lot of room for extra contemplation and reflection, and even a little revelation in this case. Keeping a daily journal really helps you to identify some of the paths that you tread back over as time goes by and it also helps you to identify the patterns of behaviour in others that you may have been missing as well.
I have kept some form of a diary or journal for pretty much all of my life. I record things daily, almost anything really; goings on, conversations, trips, thoughts, ideas, trials and tribulations; my journals are very personal and also very extensive. On average, I would spend around 15-20 minutes every day writing in my journal, so as you would imagine, the content builds up quickly. I have volumes of the stuff, some of it from way, way back; and just the other day I had a flick back through some of the archives.
I was quite surprised, and perhaps even a little amused, to see that many of the feelings that I am having now, are almost identical to the ones that I was having around 20 odd years ago. And equally as interesting, is the insanely predictable patterns of behaviours that some people in my life have demonstrated over the years, I swear that you could you just about set your calendar to it, it's that consistent. 
I came to realise after reading those old scribblings of mine, that I have come full circle with a couple of the long term relationships that I had really invested in. It's like I left the platform for a new destination some twenty odd years ago with these people and then I re-arrived back at exactly the same place that I had began the journey from, all those years ago. Truth was, that I was never actually getting anywhere in those relationships, no matter what I did or how much I tried. Even though I thought I was progressing, I was never actually progressing at all, I was just looping back around, and I am honestly really pissed at myself for allowing myself to be hoodwinked all over again. 
How I missed all of the obvious signs that I was getting nowhere is so stupid, because hindsight is 20/20 and looking back at my journal notes, well, the signposts were most certainly there. I suppose that I just didn't want to see the painful truth, after all, no-one wants to believe that what they mistook for love was actually completely fake and disingenuous because that truth is just way too painful to stomach. So, I didn't see it, I was a fool, and I allowed myself to depart on a train that took me back to the start. Right back to the beginning where I was filled with a lack of faith and trust, but was willing to try again. How stupid and naive I was!
Over the years, some things in your life will change, some things will shift a little and then some things will stay exactly the same way that they have always been, and all you have to do is accept it. So I willingly accept it this time, these relationships are never going to change. No amount of time or investment will ever make them right, they are doomed to loop around to the start every single time. I was wasting my time, it was all a pointless exercise, and I can't believe that I ever let myself trust them again in the first place. 
So now I am finally free of it, free of the train of lies, judgements, false feelings and fake love. Free to board a new train, a better one with better people that won't make me feel like I don't matter, won't tell me I'm a bad person, won't betray my trust and won't waste my time for another twenty years looping around in circles desperately hoping to be accepted. They say that you should never chase anyone for love, affection or attention, because if it isn't given freely than it isn't worth having; and I have well and truly tired of the chase, I have learnt a lot from this experience and I will never ever chase again. 

This long weekend couldn't have come at a more opportune moment because this term has just about squeezed out all of my 'nice and kind' resources right out of me. I have breached that point when I am feeling exceptionally frayed around the edges and moved into the realms of mayhem and madness. And it's not just me either, it's everyone. Everyone that I speak to is feeling fed up at the moment; and it appears that even the most hearty and reliable individuals and relationships are being put to the test this year.
Everyone that I speak to at work is completely over the daily grind, and a few things have been said to me in passing over the last few weeks that have left me feeling a bit battle sore. Even the kids are beyond ridiculous at the moment, some of them douching it up to epic proportions and to top it all off, the weather is getting colder by the day as we make our descend to the darkest night of the year, the mid-winter solstice. 
To say that I have been having a bit of a 'dark night of the soul' episode lately would be an understatement. I have most definitely not been on my A game, on any front in my life that I can think of, and it has left me feeling as flat as a busted tyre. At every turn I feel like I am facing adversity and despair, so yeah, I was really glad to relish in three days of self indulgence for the Queen's Birthday long weekend.
God Bless the Queen I say, because if this long break hadn't happened when it did I may have gone and booked myself into the nearest mental asylum for a good hard cuddle in a very tight jacket. Yeah, I was really getting that desperate for some quality respite and blurry eyed oblivion. It is amazing how quickly the little things can really build up to create a type of all consuming monster. I read a quote the other day that summed it up perfectly for me - 
Time is a funny thing, nothing seemed to change, but suddenly, everything was different.
I have no idea who said it, but that's how things quite often feel for me. It's like suddenly I have entered a new phase of myself, but I have no idea how I got there, or what I did that got me there, but boom - I'm there!  That probably makes no sense whatsoever, but I am out of my mind, so there is that.
​Anyway, clearly this long weekend is a god send right now and hopefully I will be able to recharge my stupidly broken and flat battery enough to see me through until the end of this semester. 

It is during these difficult times of unrest in the world, that people start seeking out someone to blame for the atrocities, they do it without really thinking and they do it  in an attempt to alleviate their concerns. With the string of recent terrorist attacks in the western world, we have all suddenly been forced to pay attention to a problem that we had yet again, allowed to be pushed to the back of our minds.
Even though extremist and terrorist movements are ongoingly killing hundreds of civilians across the globe, we don't hear about it on a daily basis. The media isn't publicizing the ongoing horrors of the middle east, and that has given us the luxury to not consider all of deaths in places like Syria or Afghanistan from the ongoing battles. However, it is ongoing, whether we think about it or not.
​To put it into perspective, so far this year there have been 544 terrorist attacks across the globe, resulting in 3704 fatalities. Because we don't really hear about these daily bombings and deaths, we don't really think about them either; it's out of sight and out of mind for us and we are generally pretty comfortable with that scenario because, let's be honest,  it is easier to just not know. That is until the threat starts to move a little closer to home, that's when we pay attention. When people from our own country are dying, then suddenly our heads are turned and our concerns of a possible threat becomes very real and very personal and our thoughts start to ponder our own safety, and for many the question is raised - who should be held responsible for these acts of terror?
​It has become increasing difficult to ignore the threat of insurgencies like Al Qaeda and Isis and their extremist terrorism tactics, but we cannot allow their behaviours to dictate our common sense and our decency. We must not only remain vigilant to stamping out these oppressive regimes, but we must also remain sensitive to the pressures that these types of tactics place on muslim communities in general; and the difficulties that arise for muslims on a day to day basis as a direct result of these extremist attacks. 
Just the other day I was being taken by taxi to collect a rental car, my driver was a muslim gentleman from Pakistan. He had opted to wear a beanie instead of his turban on that morning because it was the day following the Ariana Grande concert attack in Manchester. He said that he, his friends and his family were all concerned about the backlash that they may be facing in light of recent events. He said that the pressure and prejudices are always very intense for them after these types of things happen, and now that the public are aware that most of these western attacks are being undertaken by western muslim extremists, then that pressure on them is even higher again. 
It is most certainly a time to present a united front against these terrorist groups, but our fight must not be misguided or misdirected, we cannot let our fear become our undoing, we cannot let hate in, and on that front I do worry. I worry because fear makes people irrational and desperate for someone to blame, but we must remember that this recent rise in westernised terrorist attacks is not  just a western problem, it is a global problem, it always has been, and we must find a way through it on a global level.
Now more than ever, it is the time to open our doors to the oppressed and the beaten down people of this world and to say that we will together fight this tyranny. It is the time to share in compassion and empathy, to build bridges not walls, to share our resources and to not let the hate of these terrorist minorities spread any further than it already has. It is time to hold true to our humanity, stay strong in our dignities and determinedly reinforce our common ground. That is the only way that we can truly defeat the extremists that we are all facing in the world today - without the fear that they so desperately want to strike upon us, but by standing tall- side by side -together - as one. 

So many thrillers are being marketed as horror movies these days and it is actually starting to give me the shits. Just because a film has a few thrills and chills, it doesn't mean that it is a horror movie. Horror films need supernatural goings on for goodness sake! They need monsters, creatures, ghosts, ghouls, zombies, werewolves, vampires or at least an unnatural abomination of some description that has not come from outer space - that's 'sci-fi thriller' people! They are often quite bloody, although they certainly don't have to be, in fact some of the scariest horrors that I have ever seen really didn't have a lot of blood in them at all. 
Back in the day, when you saw that something had the tag 'horror' attached to it, you knew that you were in for some pretty fucking weird shit. Classic and provocative movies like The Evil Dead,  The Exorcist, The Shining, Rosemary's Baby and An American Werewolf in London are terrific examples of excellent horror movies because they are movies that will keep you up at night, and that really is the purpose of horror isn't it? They're movies that you don't forget about in a hurry because you can't. They earned their horror tag through and through.
I am not sure why thrillers are being marketed as horror so often now, in general horror movies draw far smaller crowds, and slapping a horror label on any film always means that I am going to go to the cinema alone to see it because everyone else thinks that the film is going to frighten the pants off them. ​Boo, stop scaring people away with inaccurate genre categories! Half the time I leave the cinema feeling really underwhelmed by things that have been marketed as horror, I go for a genuine scare and to experience something really left of centre and I get...well...meh!
Many films that are marketed as horror movies belong in the same category as films like Don't Breathe, Get Out and Creep, which are really 'psychological thrillers with a twist.' Unfortunately there is no specific genre for that, so they often get incorrectly classified and marketed as horror, and it really annoys me. 
When I think 'horror' I think of Cronenberg, DePalma, Romero, Argento and Wan. I think of all of the times that my stomach turned, my pulse quickened, my pupils dilated and my senses were shocked. I recall the times that I lurched out my seat in fright and was grossed out by some unnatural visualisation; now that's horror people! And if you are going to label your movie a horror, you had better bring me some of that shit or else just call it what it is, a thriller! 

GET OUT
Release Date: 2017
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 104 mins 
Here is another perfect example of a thriller being marketed as a horror movie. Get Out is most certainly a terrifically gripping and highly entertaining thriller, but in my books it is not really a horror movie. There is definitely something eerie and unnatural going on in Get Out  which does set it apart from other thrillers, but labelling it a 'horror' is a stretch.  So, don't be misled by the horror genre stamped all over this film, it is actually just a really intriguing thriller that will keep you guessing and wondering right up to the last moments. 
Chris goes to his girlfriend Rose's house to meet her parents for the very first time. Chris is unsure about how they will react to their daughter being in an interracial relationship, but Rose assures him that he has nothing to be worried about. Over the course of the weekend, Chris becomes increasingly concerned about the motives of Rose's family after a string of odd and unnerving occurrences.
Jordan Peele (better known for his work on the comedy TV series Key and Peele) wrote and directed the script, and it is a tremendously fresh and intelligent body of work. The cast here is solid, especially Daniel Kaluuya who portrays Chris with loads of sincerity. He is very well supported by Allison Williams (fresh out of Girls), Catherine Keener, Jim Hudson and Rod Williams. 
There is an alternate ending to Get Out that can be viewed on Youtube, and although it is worth checking out, I preferred the cinematic ending.
FINAL SAY: Now you're in the sunken place.
3.5 Chili Peppers ​

It is easy for real events to be misconstrued and misread. We all get our wires crossed from time to time and we have all been guilty of jumping to conclusions before we get all of the facts in place. My family are shockingly notorious for jumping to incorrect conclusions and thinking the absolute worst of people and situations. As you would imagine, it was not easy growing in a household where 'the worst case scenario' was the go to method and main of the day; it was a lot like walking around on eggshells most of the time and there appeared to be an unending number of people in the world that my family didn't like or trust.  
This method of worst case thinking and intensely suspicious behaviour has made us all quite suspicious in general and at times emotionally dismissive. It  has also lead to us being dreadfully wrong about people and situations on many occasions and created a lot of unnecessary stress within our already fragile family dynamic over the years. 
What I do know for sure is that finding peace-time in our family is not getting any easier as the years go by, and regardless of how hard we try to make meaningful relationships with each other, we are just kidding ourselves if we think that it is ever going to be sane or normal. 
Don't get me wrong, I do love my family, and I do believe that we have all done the best with what we have; we just never really had the minerals to begin with. But I'm not mad about that or bitter about it. I just want to enjoy my family, without the dramatics and suspicions. I'd like to have fond memories of all of them to look back on in my twilight years, surely that is not too much to ask for? 

You know how some days you feel really confident and you look in the mirror and think, yeah I look pretty good. Well today was not one of those days! Today was more like, why does everything I put on make me look like the magic pudding? It was one of those days!
I stupidly stepped onto the scales the other day only to be horrified yet again by my findings. Surprise, sur-fucking -prise! When am I going to learn to steer clear of that fucking thing? It majorly wrecks my mojo every damn time! I think that I am going to have a ceremonial smashing of the scales at my place because I don't think that I have been pleased with the numbers that I seen on them for around twenty odd years, so why the fuck am I still doing this shit to myself? They need to be destroyed, a scale sacrifice is in order!
If I am willing to be totally honest with myself, I would have to admit that it really has nothing to do with the scales and everything to do with the way that I feel in my own skin right now. I don't feel terrific. I know that I have put on a few kilos and I feel like shit about it. For some reason I always feel like I am failing at something tremendously important when I put on weight, which is totally ridiculous I know, but I do.
Losing weight is such a bloody bore, I really hate dieting and not eating what I like. And even though I am totally committed to my daily  yoga routine, it's not doing me any favours in the weight loss stakes. In fact, I think that I have gotten bigger since I have been regularly practising; how is that possible? I would like to try and convince you all that it is just extra muscle weight that I have gained, but nah...I don't even have enough bullshit to lay that one down and make it stick. I'm pretty sure that the extra roll that has appeared on my tummy is not muscle, but just plain fat. Fat that is made up of butter, whiskey, dark chocolate and cheese. Why? Oh why does all the delicious stuff have to be so bad for you? And shouldn't a person be rewarded for doing more exercise and giving up smoking? Getting an extra layer of fat hardly seems fair to me, and unless I am moving to the North Pole soon, it is also useless to me! 
I know that I am too smart to allow a stupid fucking number on a scale to define me, or my worth, but god it sucks when I don't see what I am hoping for when I look down at that digital pad. Curses on scales I say, and curses on the stupid stereotypes that we allow ourselves to be defined by in this mixed up, muddle up world of ours. I'm tired of feeling depressed and putting pressure on myself to be something else, it is seriously no way to live. Who really cares about a few extra kilos anyway? 
Unfortunately I do, I really do. And as much as I would love to throw those bloody scales in the bin, I am also terrified that if I just completely let go that I will turn into the Michelin Man within 12 months. AHHHHH! It's bloody salad time again, but I'm not happy about it. Not happy about my weight or my lack of self confidence to just be who I am. Boo to me, this routine is getting so fricken old! Someone just shoot me in the head and save me from my own bullshit please, that would shave off a few unwanted pounds of ugly for sure!

Some people have zero percent personality going on. They are about as interesting and enjoyable as a slice of cheap white bread with nothing on it; they're bland and for me, mostly indigestible.
Now I'm not talking about the quiet unassuming people of the world, everyone knows that it's the quiet ones you have watch out for! Seriously though, I really like people that have their 'quiet cool' worked out, it's actually very alluring to a loudmouth like me. No, I'm talking about the people that seem to lack any 'ticker' as Craig puts it. Basically, they have no heart and no moxy and they seem a bit soulless and opaque. It's like there is a void in their makeup that makes them extremely difficult to deal with and pretty much impossible to enjoy on any level. 
Everyone knows someone that is like this, which is unfortunate. Some horrid person that doesn't get excited about anything and never gives over any of themselves for anything. They aren't holding back because they can't help out or they are too busy or anything like that, they are just not interested or invested....in anyone or anything. They are happy to not be involved in life, and from what I have seen, I think that they find living to be of general inconvenience.
Thankfully there aren't a lot of people around like that because the world would be so shithouse if there were, but the ones that do exist, honestly do my frickin head in! 
I get that people have their own shit, their own demons and their own hang ups to deal with, but this is something else altogether. This is something completely different to that, this is a person that does fuck all for anyone else so often that no-one would ever consider asking them for favour because there would be no point. This is a person that avoids others to the point of insulting and never seems to be around when they may be of use. This is a person that lacks motivation, initiative and above all else, care for others. Yeah, there really are people in the world that are that shitty and bland, perhaps even beyond cheap white bread bad, maybe they're more like moldy grey toast bad....
Can you tell that someone has annoyed me yet? 
C'est la Vie, I've vented now, moving along, don't want to dwell in that crusty crapola any longer.

After nursing the school pet (a bearded dragon named Bruce) back to health over the Summer break, you can imagine my disappointment and surprise when the bloody thing just up and died on Thursday. Apparently, whatever I was doing for Bruce wasn't enough to combat the fact that he was well passed his prime and his time to depart the planet had arrived. Even though I only got to enjoy him for a few weeks, it was sad to see the poor thing just fluff out so suddenly. 
The death of a pet is often a challenge for children, but generally the kids at school all took it pretty well. A bearded dragon is not the easiest pet to form a relationship with, and unlike a cute or fluffy class pet, he wasn't exactly adored by the masses for his cuddliness. Still, I did shed a tear for our old scaly mate when he finally bit the big one and so did some of the more sensitive kids that were helping me care for him at school over the last few weeks. 
I will never forget my own first experience of death when I was around eleven. I found three baby birds that had fallen onto the ground from a nest. I recall being doggedly determined to become mother to these young fluffy chicks who responded with open beaks and hungry cries at my touch, and even though my father had warned me that they would never survive without care from their real mother, I was sure that I would make a suitable replacement.
​I dug up worms all afternoon and found an eye dropper to administer water into their tiny beaks and really thought that I was making a difference. The first of the chicks died within hours of me finding them, the second died later on that evening and the third perished overnight.
I recall being absolutely devastated that I could not save their tiny lives. I had such high hopes for them and visions of releasing three healthy birds into the wild with a dramatic toss of my hand in a teary but happy farewell ritual. The death of those tiny birds had a profound affect on me because it was at that moment that I sadly realized that regardless of our best intentions, we just cannot save all of the abandoned, sick and dying creatures on the earth. Those tiny birds taught me that death is inevitable and unbeatable, no matter how much you don't want it to be and the crushing reality of it and my own defeat to death left me weeping for hours and hours. I recall believing at that moment that I would never stop feeling sad ever again.
The permanency of death is indeed a crushing blow to endure, and when you are only eleven years old it feels just as intense about a few baby birds or an old lizard as it does about anyone or anything. These first early brushes with death are quite shaping and certainly aren't easy, but there is an intense respect for life that blossoms from even the earliest realization that all life is fragile and impermanent.
​Socrates once said - Death may be the greatest of all human blessings, and I think that he was right on the money with that one. ​It is only when we fully embrace our own mortality that we can truly begin to understand the importance of living our lives to the fullest. Some of the most important lessons in life are learned through our sadnesses, and the reality of death is most certainly one of those lessons. 

Well into the second week of first Term and I have pretty much worked out what my main challenges are going to be from here on in. My biggest and most major hurdle is definitely going to be stifling the control freak within me and not overthinking every fricken thing. Sounds simple enough, but it is so hard for a freak like me. 
After five weeks of pretty much total withdrawal from society, zening around doing yoga and feeling like bloody guru swarmee, I am finding that my ability to re-adjust and compensate for so many other people's needs has dropped; substantially I might add. Boo to me, it's so difficult to be zen around so many children, but I am trying really hard. The introvert in me is going bonkers!
I am also sure that I am driving the teachers that I work with absolutely nuts as well because I am asking so many questions and seeking so much clarity. Go with the flow I am not, and it has made me a bit shitty with myself for not just stepping back and being a bit more chilled out. Even though my efforts to be organized do come from the right place, I am even starting to annoy myself with all the bullshit.
​It's just so weird to go from virtually no activity to pretty much zero down time and an overabundance of input, the contrast always screws with me for the first few weeks until I can level out again. I feel like I want to hightail it and run back to my zen cave of withdrawal, but I have already made the choice to stop running away from things, so running away is not an option, and besides, I need my job! I'm gonna have to find a way to suck it up, keep calm and carry on - and leave my own anxieties and pedantic bullshit at the door on the way in. 
Think I may need some help from Mr Jamiesons this weekend, a little Irish courage should serve me well. 

Don't you just love it when your kids decide to something completely out of character and in terrible taste at exactly the wrong moment? And why are they are so damn good at doing that? As parents, we are forced to become more and more adjusted to things just happening in our lives, not always good things I might add, just things. These things are often related to our children, however we also know that we cannot control what our kids do 24 hours a day, regardless of how we may try and that we need to be prepared for anything and everything to happen. Well, Seth pulled out a corker last Friday night when he decided to go all "Russell Crowe fighting around the world" at my staff BBQ.  Yes, that's right, a bloody catholic work function of all places!
To be clear and somewhat in his defense, he was seriously antagonised, but that did not make it okay to savage out, turn into Tyler Durden and initiate fight club out the front of a work colleague's house. Put up your dukes and let's just thrash it out is pretty old school, but yeah, he went there. Perhaps he is feeling a little inferior now that he has started secondary school, or perhaps overstressed? But to be honest I haven't seen evidence of either of those things, I think that he just straight up lost his grasp on cool and went for the juggler. Needless to say, he got more than his fair share of lectures that night about personal restraint, appropriateness and self control. 
I can't help feeling a bit responsible though if I am being completely honest about the incident.
Craig and I have always said to the kids - you can't start the fight, but you can finish it, which is actually exactly what he did, so he was just following through on our advice. Total crap that he did it at my work function though, what a dunderhead! Never gets into a serious fist fight in his life and then decides that a catholic school staff BBQ is the place to finally flex his street fighting muscles, brilliant Seth - good one mate!
In truth, I do have to admire the kid for standing up for himself, he clearly isn't going to let anyone just push him around, and who doesn't love a kid with a bit of moxie in his veins? Aside from the whole incident making me question my parenting techniques, I don't think that it was a total  and complete disaster; I'm pretty sure that both boys learnt a valuable life lesson from all of this, well at least I hope they did!

I have always thought of myself as being a resonably easy going individual, but it turns out that that is not the truth. I am obviously very good at deceiving myself in regards to my own personality, because when people tell me how they actually see me, I am always horrified about what they have to say.
According to other people, I am quite difficult to read and often come across as negative, mean and unpleasant, in others words, I am a horrible, moody, difficult bitch. This revelation has truly shocked me to the core, mostly because I have tried so very hard over the years to snuff out the ugly sides of my personality and to try and support the people around me. Clearly I have done a totally lousy job of it if people still find me so difficult, nasty and hard to please.
I can't even begin to tell you how much this information has plagued me. Being a huge over thinker at the best of times, it has driven me to exhaustion pawing over every aspect of my personality in an attempt to decipher what it is about me that is so difficult to like; and I tell you, that kind of thinking really makes a person want to toss themselves under the next passing bus.
​There is nothing zen about this state of mind, it is the total opposite to zen; it is depressive, dark and soul destroying. I am like a bad, scratchy, tape that is stuck in a loop, replaying and rehashing conversations in my mind relentlessly. This way of being is surely a type of madness, for it seems to offer me no peace or relief of any kind, only further concern.
The other night I actually cried myself to sleep for the first time in many, many years. I was just so completely overwhelmed and exhausted by the oppressive thoughts of others. I am loathe to admit it, but I fear that I may be suffering from some form of depression. 
However, I am also keenly aware of my state which means that I can change it. I just need to quieten the voices in my head for a while that's all, and learn to take the opinions of others on the chin. I am sure that there is some good to be gleaned from all of this 'self truth' that I have been exposed to, and when the dust settles and the hurt feelings soften, I will probably be a better person for it.....I suppose. Unfortunately, it is time to put my metal-skin back on once again, which is disappointing, but clearly I haven't outgrown it at all and I feel that it is the only way that I can see a way forward at the moment.
Go hard or go home Barb.