For me crying in public is a huge no-no, when I cry (and I seldom do these days), I like to keep my crying to the vicinity of my shower and the pillow in my bedroom. I also like to be alone when I do cry, very, very alone in fact; I don't even like my kids or my husband to see me crying, so this outpouring of emotion in a public forum was really horrid and utterly perplexing to me.
Zoe thought that it was hilarious that I was so worked up about crying in public. 'It's not the social equivalent of pissing your pants in public mum!" she said, 'besides now at least everyone at work knows that you're not a totally impenetrable ice-bitch.'
Well, actually I was rather comfortable with impenetrable ice-bitch actually, so that hardly makes for a decent 'pro' to this situation in my mind. A work friend said that it was just like a nose bleed and had to run it's course, but I also wouldn't really like to have a nose bleed in public either to be honest, so again, not a 'pro'.
In the household that I was raised in, crying in public was not allowed - ever! If you cried, you were shamed and told to stop immediately or you would get something to really cry about. I think that this has had a profound effect on my mental well-being over the course of my lifetime and is probably why I simply cannot cope with showing my tears.
Every part of me rationally knows that it is perfectly okay and even quite normal to cry from time to time, but my upbringing is so ingrained that I just feel overwhelmed and utterly ashamed when I let my emotions show. I actually admire people who can freely show their emotions without guilt because I really wish that I had more comfort with my own feelings.
I have stifled my true feelings and swallowed my tears a million times over because of what my parents did to me. So when I do eventually relent and the dams do burst, the waters run wild for hours on end, until my tear ducts ache from exhaustion and confusion.
It also explains why I am utterly useless at comforting crying people. I really do care about other peoples unhappiness and feelings of sadness, but the whole crying scene just totally spins me out. It makes me sweat and I get nervous, I shuffle and I don't know what to do and then I just turn into a deer in headlights. Completely bloody useless! I am great at solving problems, but fixing tears I am shit-house at. I was never taught how to comfort a crying person, because crying was something that you you just weren't supposed to be doing.
My siblings used words like sook, whinger and baby as a means of 'tear therapy' and it has certainly done the job on me, because I know that for the rest of my life I am going to be a 'closet crier' that will never feel 100% at ease with my own tears no matter how hard I try.
Release Date: 2004
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 102 mins
Zach Braff's first feature length film, and a very impressive launching pad for the then, quite young writer/actor/director. So impressive in fact, that he is yet to match it some ten years later, but to be fair he has only had one attempt so far. Based on Braff's own real life experiences, the story centres on Andrew Largeman, a 26 year old actor/waiter who returns to his New Jersey home when his mother passes away.
After an estrangement from his family for almost a decade, Andrew (Braff) returns to his home for his mother's funeral. His homecoming prompts him to take a break from all of his anti-depressant medications in order to reconnect with himself. In doing so, he re-connects with old friends and a free-spirited girl named Sam (Natalie Portman) but must also wrestle with the true nature of his depression, as he confronts his past.
Beautiful Natalie Portman shines as she always does, so brightly that she almost steals the show, even though her role is not really that significant in the big scheme of things, essentially she's a love interest and a prop for Braff's character. What I did love about this film was that it felt like a deeply personal and honest story, I liked the characters, because they didn't feel forced or fabricated and the simplicity of the narrative makes it charming. It's hard to find many story lines that feature twenty somethings and aren't rife with bullshit, so this film truly is a rare gem.
FINAL SAY: Fuck, this hurts so much.
4 Chili Peppers