A few days ago I had some friends come out to Enfield for a casual lunch to celebrate a mutual friend's birthday. We were having a nice relaxing chat and before I knew it I again found myself talking about my family. It is both odd and tremendously disturbing how I so often find myself venting about my childhood. I am really good at telling myself that I have dealt with the pain of my childhood, so why do I always manage to bogart conversations and turn them towards myself just so that I can unleash some other terrifically horrid memory about my family dynamic onto others?
Does the process of externalizing these unpleasant memories make it some how easier for me make sense of them? Does it make it all easier to digest when I hear it all from the outside of my head? I think so, although I am not really sure why I do it.
I don't need people to feel sorry me either, because I really do feel like a reasonably well adjusted adult. Maybe I just feel that if that I reveal the demons that dwell inside of me to people then they won't expect so much from me. They won't judge me so harshly when I get a bit loco and can't find my way, because I do do that from time to time. It's like I get a free ticket to be stupid and unhinged if people know that inside I'm really just a busted doll.
And then my over-analytical mind goes into hyper-drive about it all. Did I say too much? Should I be letting people cast judgement, based on my personal demons, about my siblings? What does that say about me as a person? What kind of a person just goes around saying things like that anyway? Blahblahblahblah.... And so it goes around and around in my head for days on end.
For all of the times that I have told myself that I am okay with what happened in my childhood, what I really meant was that I forgive my family for what happened to me in my childhood. All of them, for the shit that they did to me. I forgive them for saying and doing all of the crap that they did, and for all of the hurt that they inflicted because I can't hold onto that anger and resentment, it doesn't serve me in any way.
Unfortunately, even though it also doesn't serve me, I just can't let go of all the damage that it has done to me, or the hurt that I feel when I think about it. I can forgive, but I can't forget because my brain simply won't allow that to happen. I can't turn off the broken bits that ache when I poke them; that I cannot do, but I can forgive them, and I can try harder to stop dwelling in the past and rehashing the dark bits, because there is no peace of mind to be found there.
I honestly do want to move forward with my family. I need to still the waters of my past so that it may flow more calmly under the bridge, and I must learn to accept my demons, for they will truly always be a part of who I am. For better and for worse, 'til death do us part.
Does the process of externalizing these unpleasant memories make it some how easier for me make sense of them? Does it make it all easier to digest when I hear it all from the outside of my head? I think so, although I am not really sure why I do it.
I don't need people to feel sorry me either, because I really do feel like a reasonably well adjusted adult. Maybe I just feel that if that I reveal the demons that dwell inside of me to people then they won't expect so much from me. They won't judge me so harshly when I get a bit loco and can't find my way, because I do do that from time to time. It's like I get a free ticket to be stupid and unhinged if people know that inside I'm really just a busted doll.
And then my over-analytical mind goes into hyper-drive about it all. Did I say too much? Should I be letting people cast judgement, based on my personal demons, about my siblings? What does that say about me as a person? What kind of a person just goes around saying things like that anyway? Blahblahblahblah.... And so it goes around and around in my head for days on end.
For all of the times that I have told myself that I am okay with what happened in my childhood, what I really meant was that I forgive my family for what happened to me in my childhood. All of them, for the shit that they did to me. I forgive them for saying and doing all of the crap that they did, and for all of the hurt that they inflicted because I can't hold onto that anger and resentment, it doesn't serve me in any way.
Unfortunately, even though it also doesn't serve me, I just can't let go of all the damage that it has done to me, or the hurt that I feel when I think about it. I can forgive, but I can't forget because my brain simply won't allow that to happen. I can't turn off the broken bits that ache when I poke them; that I cannot do, but I can forgive them, and I can try harder to stop dwelling in the past and rehashing the dark bits, because there is no peace of mind to be found there.
I honestly do want to move forward with my family. I need to still the waters of my past so that it may flow more calmly under the bridge, and I must learn to accept my demons, for they will truly always be a part of who I am. For better and for worse, 'til death do us part.
THE WITCH
Release Date: 2015
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 93 mins
An intelligent and visually striking piece of work, The Witch is a movie that will divide its audiences. Many will appreciate its slow burning tension and sense of impending doom, others will find it completely dissatisfying, especially if they have come looking for a quick thrill. As far as period horrors go, The Witch is second to none, encapsulating all of the religious hysteria and devout ritual that came with that time and turning it inward and against itself.
In 1630, a pious New England family find themselves alone on a remote property, situated on the outskirts of the woods. When strange things start to occur the family turn on each other in an attempt to make sense of what is going on, but this only seems to escalate events and amplify their complete isolation.
This film is genuinely creepy and unsettling, and even though we as the viewer know what is going on, it is still difficult not to question the sanity and morality of the characters as things begin to escalate. Like a rotten apple with a worm in it, this film left me with a disturbed and revolted feeling.
The soundtrack and the stark landscape all add greatly to the dark tone of the movie; I thought that the note at the end of the film that explained that the events depicted were based on folktales, diary entries and notes collected from that time was an interesting addition, proving that even though The Witch was set in a time that pre-dated the Salem Witch Trials of 1693, it was evidently a time that was cultivating years of female oppression and mass religious hysteria.
FINAL SAY: Black Phillip, Black Phillip, a crown grows out of his head.
3.5 Chili Peppers
Release Date: 2015
Rating: MA 15+
Running Time: 93 mins
An intelligent and visually striking piece of work, The Witch is a movie that will divide its audiences. Many will appreciate its slow burning tension and sense of impending doom, others will find it completely dissatisfying, especially if they have come looking for a quick thrill. As far as period horrors go, The Witch is second to none, encapsulating all of the religious hysteria and devout ritual that came with that time and turning it inward and against itself.
In 1630, a pious New England family find themselves alone on a remote property, situated on the outskirts of the woods. When strange things start to occur the family turn on each other in an attempt to make sense of what is going on, but this only seems to escalate events and amplify their complete isolation.
This film is genuinely creepy and unsettling, and even though we as the viewer know what is going on, it is still difficult not to question the sanity and morality of the characters as things begin to escalate. Like a rotten apple with a worm in it, this film left me with a disturbed and revolted feeling.
The soundtrack and the stark landscape all add greatly to the dark tone of the movie; I thought that the note at the end of the film that explained that the events depicted were based on folktales, diary entries and notes collected from that time was an interesting addition, proving that even though The Witch was set in a time that pre-dated the Salem Witch Trials of 1693, it was evidently a time that was cultivating years of female oppression and mass religious hysteria.
FINAL SAY: Black Phillip, Black Phillip, a crown grows out of his head.
3.5 Chili Peppers
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