With COVID-19 numbers having a sudden resurgence in Victoria, driving yet another four weeks of 'state of emergency' alarm bells, there is nothing better than having a good laugh to take your mind off it all. I mean sure, I don't want to be flippant, but really what can you or I even do about a global pandemic except stay home and find new ways to distract ourselves from it all? Nothing that's what. This bloody pandemic is beginning to feel a lot like being in the goddamn mafia - every time that you think that you're out, they pull you back in! And all of this push and pull on restrictions is quite frankly exhausting and annoying.
So here I go, I am about to try and distract you from all of the woah, annoyance and confusion by sharing with you a couple of my favourite jokes. Will they make you laugh? Well, I hope so, but in the very least they will provide you with at least 5 minutes of distraction and right now, who doesn't need more of that? So here goes nothing....
Best Clean Jokes:
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
Best Racial Joke:
What would The Jetsons be called if they were black?
The Jetsons, you fucking racist!
Best Religious Joke:
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Best Knock-Knock Joke:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ice Cream Soda
Ice cream Soda Who?
(screamed out loud) I scream soda people can hear me!
Best Chicken Joke:
Why did the chicken go to a seance?
To get to the other side.
Best Animal Joke:
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
Best Chuck Norris Joke:
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realised he was just masturbating.
Best Sex Joke:
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, he's still wearing his prison clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
The Joke That I Always Tell When I'm Asked to Deliver a Joke (adults only):
A couple were on holidays in the Greek islands. Whilst they were there they enjoyed a cruise around the beautiful Aegean sea, listening to their guide tell them all about the ancient Greek myths surrounding the area and the hidden city of Atlantis.
As they made their way back to the shore they noticed that the boat's captain had a head the size of a tennis ball, which struck them both as odd and quite disturbing. The woman could not stop staring at the captain's head and as they disembarked he approached the lady and said to her "I noticed you staring at my head earlier."
"Yes" she replied embarrassed, "I am very sorry if I offended you."
"It's okay," said the captain, "it happens all of the time. There is actually a mythological story as to how I got this way, would you like to hear it?"
"Yes," said the couple sitting down to enjoy another wonderous ancient tale.
"One day," started the captain, "not far from this very shore, I was out fishing. As I pulled up my net, inside I realised that I had caught something very special."
"What was it?" the couple asked.
"It was a mermaid, a real life mermaid. And she was the most beautiful creature that I have ever laid my eyes upon."
"Wow" said the couple.
"Yes, and as I hauled her up onto the boat I was stunned by her incredible beauty and she said that she would grant me any wish that I wanted if only I would let her go free."
"What did you wish for?" asked the couple.
"Well, naturally because of her incredible beauty I asked her to make love to me, but she said she could not. 'I have only a tail and no womanly body parts, so I cannot make love to you.' she said to me"
"So what did you ask her for instead?" asked the couple.
"I asked her for a little head."
I hope that I at least made you smile a little today!
So here I go, I am about to try and distract you from all of the woah, annoyance and confusion by sharing with you a couple of my favourite jokes. Will they make you laugh? Well, I hope so, but in the very least they will provide you with at least 5 minutes of distraction and right now, who doesn't need more of that? So here goes nothing....
Best Clean Jokes:
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
Best Racial Joke:
What would The Jetsons be called if they were black?
The Jetsons, you fucking racist!
Best Religious Joke:
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Best Knock-Knock Joke:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Ice Cream Soda
Ice cream Soda Who?
(screamed out loud) I scream soda people can hear me!
Best Chicken Joke:
Why did the chicken go to a seance?
To get to the other side.
Best Animal Joke:
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 20 seconds.
Best Chuck Norris Joke:
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realised he was just masturbating.
Best Sex Joke:
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, he's still wearing his prison clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"
The Joke That I Always Tell When I'm Asked to Deliver a Joke (adults only):
A couple were on holidays in the Greek islands. Whilst they were there they enjoyed a cruise around the beautiful Aegean sea, listening to their guide tell them all about the ancient Greek myths surrounding the area and the hidden city of Atlantis.
As they made their way back to the shore they noticed that the boat's captain had a head the size of a tennis ball, which struck them both as odd and quite disturbing. The woman could not stop staring at the captain's head and as they disembarked he approached the lady and said to her "I noticed you staring at my head earlier."
"Yes" she replied embarrassed, "I am very sorry if I offended you."
"It's okay," said the captain, "it happens all of the time. There is actually a mythological story as to how I got this way, would you like to hear it?"
"Yes," said the couple sitting down to enjoy another wonderous ancient tale.
"One day," started the captain, "not far from this very shore, I was out fishing. As I pulled up my net, inside I realised that I had caught something very special."
"What was it?" the couple asked.
"It was a mermaid, a real life mermaid. And she was the most beautiful creature that I have ever laid my eyes upon."
"Wow" said the couple.
"Yes, and as I hauled her up onto the boat I was stunned by her incredible beauty and she said that she would grant me any wish that I wanted if only I would let her go free."
"What did you wish for?" asked the couple.
"Well, naturally because of her incredible beauty I asked her to make love to me, but she said she could not. 'I have only a tail and no womanly body parts, so I cannot make love to you.' she said to me"
"So what did you ask her for instead?" asked the couple.
"I asked her for a little head."
I hope that I at least made you smile a little today!
SOUTH PARK: BIGGER, LONGER AND UNCUT
Release Date: 1999
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 81 mins
Following in the footsteps of the successful television series Southpark, Trey Parker and Matt Stone created this full length feature movie that, just like the TV series, has the profanity and satire levels set to stun.
When third graders Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sneak in to see an R rated movie and emerge with extra-vulgar vocabularies, it sets in motion an all out war between America and Canada.
This movie is having a very obvious stab at censorship, mass entertainment and freedom of speech, but it does so in the most vulgar and hilarious ways possible. If you are easily offended, don't watch this movie, it is vicious social satire. However, if like me you enjoy a filthy finger of truth pointing at the big guns, then you will love it too.
FINAL SAY: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
3 Chilli Peppers
Release Date: 1999
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 81 mins
Following in the footsteps of the successful television series Southpark, Trey Parker and Matt Stone created this full length feature movie that, just like the TV series, has the profanity and satire levels set to stun.
When third graders Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sneak in to see an R rated movie and emerge with extra-vulgar vocabularies, it sets in motion an all out war between America and Canada.
This movie is having a very obvious stab at censorship, mass entertainment and freedom of speech, but it does so in the most vulgar and hilarious ways possible. If you are easily offended, don't watch this movie, it is vicious social satire. However, if like me you enjoy a filthy finger of truth pointing at the big guns, then you will love it too.
FINAL SAY: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.
3 Chilli Peppers
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