It is one thing to encourage others to put boundaries into place for themselves, but when you have to put in a boundary for yourself, especially when you pride yourself with being the 'can do' kid, it is a really difficult and honestly, very emotional thing to do. And for someone like me that sets themselves continuously high personal standards, it was one of the most uncomfortable things that I have ever had to do. I have never had to ask anyone to step up for me and put a stopper in something because the expectations were getting too high for me to meet, and it has been a bit soul destroying to have to do that.
Even though I know that setting a boundary for myself is nothing to feel guilty about, I still oddly do feel a pang of guilt and also a measurable degree of disappointment in myself for not being able to meet certain expectations. As I said earlier, when you are used to coping under pressure and then suddenly find that you can't sustain that any longer, you feel like shit about yourself, and even though it takes strength to say 'this is too big and unrealistic' you just don't want to ever have to say that.
However I did, I did say it and probably delivered a few other home truths about my role that has needed to be clarified for some time as well. And in all honesty, these things probably should have been clarified a long time ago, well before I got to the point where I was using the 'frog in the boiling pot' analogy to describe what it feels like to be in my position. The saying better late than never is certainly true in this instant however, for my own sanity I do wish that I had clarified these feelings earlier, but as I said, in order to clarify these issues I also had to be willing to admit that I wasn't coping and that was not an option for me until I had reached my maximum overload point.
So what did I learn from all of this? That I have limits, that I can't do everything all at once and that sometimes I need to be willing to own my shortcomings without seeing it as a defeat. I have also learnt that I need to open a more clear dialogue around problems with senior staff earlier and that setting boundaries for myself in the workplace is a skill that I need to hone before I will be comfortable with it.
I haven't quite made my peace with owning my limitations just yet, but I know that I will and hopefully things will change for the better now that I have raised a few flags for my employers to consider. And who knows? Maybe some good will come from my conversation and perhaps it will open some people's eyes to some of the realities around positions like mine where you are a highly effective worker bee reliably contributing as best you can to a much larger business, but no less valuable or significant than some of the queens bees in the hive, especially when you look at it from our perspective.
I just wish that it didn't feel like I had to die a little inside to make these things understood, but I also understand that those feelings are all coming from me and no-one else but me, and those feelings are my personal jagged little pill to swallow...all on my own.
Release Date: 1995
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 115 mins
An American Western, written and directed by Jim Jarmusch and shot in broody black and white. This film was dubbed a 'Psychedelic Western" by Jarmusch himself and includes many surreal elements from the Western genre; some consider this film be the quintessential postmodern Western, and it has acquired a cult status as a result.
In the second half of the 19th century, an accountant named William Blake (Johnny Depp) encounters an unusual Native American called 'Nobody'. Nobody believes that Blake is actually a dead man and together they embark on a dangerous journey through the western frontier of America that has both physical and spiritual connotations.
This is intriguing viewing, Depp's transformation from mild mannered pen pusher to ruthless, hunted outlaw is fascinating to watch, and he plays his part with great energy and humour. I adored Gary Farmer's portrayal of Nobody, everything he says falls somewhere between ridiculous and ingeniously esoteric. This is a thinking man's western, often dark, sometimes comical and also poetically interesting in every way.
FINAL SAY: The eagle never lost so much time as when he submitted to learn from the crow.
3.5 Chilli Peppers