I was having a conversation with a good friend of mine the other day and they told me that they felt that they would never find love. Naturally my reaction to this information was, why? In my mind this person is more than lovable, attractive, very intelligent and financially stable, why would someone like that have any trouble finding a meaningful and loving relationship? And then when she started to answer me, it all became very clear why. She had a list of potential partner prerequisites that would make a Harvard post-graduate with a six pack and a Lamborghini run away screaming, it was insane! And it got me thinking about realistic expectations when it comes to meeting a potential partner.
My friend's list of requirements (and I am pretty sure that you would have heard something similar before) went a little something like this:
My potential love interest needs to be fit, financially comfortable, funny, adventurous and have a really good job.
I would imagine that there millions of women that have lists very similar to this as their personal prerequisites to love and I have to say that it is extremely disturbing. Finding a combination of traits like that in anyone at any one given time is going to be extremely rare, but are any of these individual ideals actually realistic anyway?
My husband is certainly not what anyone would call funny most of the time, but sometimes he is gut bustingly hilarious! Does that count as funny? Who is funny all of the time anyway? That is creepy! And what about being fit? What level of 'fit' are we talking about here? A marathon runner is fit and a bodybuilder looks fit but they are completely different body types, and someone who is super fit would be at the gym or working out all of the time, is that what you're looking for? I asked her.
And what if some great guy was rich and then gave it all away to charity, would he not be financially stable enough to be considered a good partner? What if he was just between terrific jobs, but was currently unemployed because he had just given up 12 months of his life to go and vaccinate children in Botswana against typhoid, would that guy not be worthy of consideration because he didn't have 'a really good job' at the moment?
You can see where I am going with all of this right? I said. You have put up walls and expectations that are not only unrealistic but they are not allowing any potential partner to infiltrate that barrier because you don't want them to be human, fallible or individual. How bloody sad! And what about me as a friend? Do you hold me to ransom with the same high expectations? I am not fit, or wealthy and I only have a low earning job, does that mean that I am not good enough for you?
Of course my friend said no, that they loved me dearly and that they would never see me as anything but a terrific friend and lifelong confident, and that was where I got her and I could see the look on her face. The penny had just dropped and she could finally see that she was actually holding herself back from having meaningful and lifelong relationships with men because she had put so many expectations on them.
At the end of the day, love cannot be put into a pigeon hole and neither can anyone that you allow yourself to love. Sometimes we are all funny or more stable or flush with funds; and sometimes we are stronger or fitter or more secure, and then other times we are none of those things at all, and that's called life. In life, and love, there are no perfects...at best you may get some pretty perfect days and moments but nothing is ever permanent.
There is nothing wrong with aiming high for yourself, but expectations need to be kept realistic and viable or they are just going to hold you back from life and love. Love doesn't exist in a tiny perfect package, that's just what everybody wants you to think. Instagram is rife with snippets of perfection and people get really caught up in that bullshit and start to aim for something that isn't even real. Let me tell you that real love is messy and unpredictable, it farts on the couch and drinks milk from the carton and will probably make you angry and even cry sometimes, and that's okay. That means it's real.
So in the end I reassured my friend that she has no reason to believe that she will never fall in love, because any idiot can fall in love, and there are millions of lonely people in the world looking for a connection, she just needs to put her phone back on the hook because she hasn't been receiving! And besides, any fool that decides to have someone as nutty as me as a best friend can definitely find love out there in the big wide world! Stranger things than that happen every damn day!
My friend's list of requirements (and I am pretty sure that you would have heard something similar before) went a little something like this:
My potential love interest needs to be fit, financially comfortable, funny, adventurous and have a really good job.
I would imagine that there millions of women that have lists very similar to this as their personal prerequisites to love and I have to say that it is extremely disturbing. Finding a combination of traits like that in anyone at any one given time is going to be extremely rare, but are any of these individual ideals actually realistic anyway?
My husband is certainly not what anyone would call funny most of the time, but sometimes he is gut bustingly hilarious! Does that count as funny? Who is funny all of the time anyway? That is creepy! And what about being fit? What level of 'fit' are we talking about here? A marathon runner is fit and a bodybuilder looks fit but they are completely different body types, and someone who is super fit would be at the gym or working out all of the time, is that what you're looking for? I asked her.
And what if some great guy was rich and then gave it all away to charity, would he not be financially stable enough to be considered a good partner? What if he was just between terrific jobs, but was currently unemployed because he had just given up 12 months of his life to go and vaccinate children in Botswana against typhoid, would that guy not be worthy of consideration because he didn't have 'a really good job' at the moment?
You can see where I am going with all of this right? I said. You have put up walls and expectations that are not only unrealistic but they are not allowing any potential partner to infiltrate that barrier because you don't want them to be human, fallible or individual. How bloody sad! And what about me as a friend? Do you hold me to ransom with the same high expectations? I am not fit, or wealthy and I only have a low earning job, does that mean that I am not good enough for you?
Of course my friend said no, that they loved me dearly and that they would never see me as anything but a terrific friend and lifelong confident, and that was where I got her and I could see the look on her face. The penny had just dropped and she could finally see that she was actually holding herself back from having meaningful and lifelong relationships with men because she had put so many expectations on them.
At the end of the day, love cannot be put into a pigeon hole and neither can anyone that you allow yourself to love. Sometimes we are all funny or more stable or flush with funds; and sometimes we are stronger or fitter or more secure, and then other times we are none of those things at all, and that's called life. In life, and love, there are no perfects...at best you may get some pretty perfect days and moments but nothing is ever permanent.
There is nothing wrong with aiming high for yourself, but expectations need to be kept realistic and viable or they are just going to hold you back from life and love. Love doesn't exist in a tiny perfect package, that's just what everybody wants you to think. Instagram is rife with snippets of perfection and people get really caught up in that bullshit and start to aim for something that isn't even real. Let me tell you that real love is messy and unpredictable, it farts on the couch and drinks milk from the carton and will probably make you angry and even cry sometimes, and that's okay. That means it's real.
So in the end I reassured my friend that she has no reason to believe that she will never fall in love, because any idiot can fall in love, and there are millions of lonely people in the world looking for a connection, she just needs to put her phone back on the hook because she hasn't been receiving! And besides, any fool that decides to have someone as nutty as me as a best friend can definitely find love out there in the big wide world! Stranger things than that happen every damn day!
STRANGER THAN FICTION
Release Date: 2006
Rating: M
Running Time: 113 mins
A fantasy romance tale, directed by Marc Forster and written by Zach Helm (better known for his work on Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium) that offers a sweet and entertaining look into the lives of ordinary everyday people with a whimsical and quirky backdrop.
Harold Crick, an insanely regimented IRS agent, has his predictable life turned upside down when he begins to hear an internal voice that is narrating the events of his life as they occur. When he falls for Ana, the baker that he has been assigned to audit, things rapidly get even more out of hand for Harold.
Will Ferrell delivers one of his best ever performances as Harold, and Maggie Gyllenhaal offers another believable quirky indie-chick performance. It is actually the incredible cast that really brings this film to life; Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah and Tom Hulce all bring levity to the story; which although isn't life changing, is intelligent, charming and quite good fun.
FINAL SAY: I brought you flours.
3.5 Chilli Peppers
Release Date: 2006
Rating: M
Running Time: 113 mins
A fantasy romance tale, directed by Marc Forster and written by Zach Helm (better known for his work on Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium) that offers a sweet and entertaining look into the lives of ordinary everyday people with a whimsical and quirky backdrop.
Harold Crick, an insanely regimented IRS agent, has his predictable life turned upside down when he begins to hear an internal voice that is narrating the events of his life as they occur. When he falls for Ana, the baker that he has been assigned to audit, things rapidly get even more out of hand for Harold.
Will Ferrell delivers one of his best ever performances as Harold, and Maggie Gyllenhaal offers another believable quirky indie-chick performance. It is actually the incredible cast that really brings this film to life; Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah and Tom Hulce all bring levity to the story; which although isn't life changing, is intelligent, charming and quite good fun.
FINAL SAY: I brought you flours.
3.5 Chilli Peppers
RSS Feed