I have been feeling 'stuck' a lot this year. More 'stuck' than I have been in other years. And by stuck I mean treading over the same old ground and allowing myself to fall into a negative mindset about myself. Suddenly incidental and fleeting things seem like big things, my life feels meaningless, I overthink everything and I start to sap all of the joy out of my own life. That's right, I sap all of the joy out, no-one else does it, it's me that does all of the over-thinking, no-one else. Which is super stupid and mostly annoying because I cannot blame anyone else for it either. This is a self made condition, a state of mind that is mine and mine alone.
The thing that bothers me the most about this, is that I cannot pinpoint exactly what it was that made me feel this way. In truth I don't think that it was just one thing that got the ball rolling for me, but more a series of little things over a period of time that built up like twigs on a pile and before I knew it, I had a dam across my river and I wasn't going with the flow anymore.
In short, I am stuck, stagnated and full of self doubt. I have done this many times before, but never for as long and I have never felt quite so stuck as I do now. I know that when I do get like this for too long it is anything but positive, and the only way to get out of it is to have a complete reboot of the system; a cleansing of the river, if you will.
So that is where I am now, realising that I am stuck and thinking about the best way to remove my dam and re-establish my flow, for want of a better word. Probably need to set myself some new goals, reassess my life choices and prioritise what is important and what is not. It has been a really big year for me, because a lot of things have changed around me, and I haven't been going with the flow of change, I have been fighting against the current like a salmon desperately swimming upstream. This is always the worst thing to do when change arrives, but it is my nature to resist change, so naturally like the salmon, I go to my default menu and select the 'go the other way' button. Clearly unwise, but what can I say, I am a creature of habit and I do stupid things sometimes.
Recognising that I am stuck is always the first step to becoming unstuck, but it's not like a light switch that I can just flick off and boom, all is good and right in the world again. And for some reason, every time that I get stuck, I get stuck for longer and much deeper as well; it's like all of the other times don't really go away, they just lie there dormant until the next time I get stuck and then rise up again to add some more fuel to the fire.
Wow, that really sounds crazy doesn't it? But I know that it is not crazy, because everyone gets stuck from time to time in their lives, and it is okay to admit that you are from time to time also. Nobody wants to admit that they have got their crazy thinking engaged, locked and loaded, but it is totally okay to admit it. One thing that I have learnt from being stuck as many times as I have been is that it is not crazy, and it is okay to feel out of balance, out of the rhythm of life and stuck. Pretending that you are not stuck is so damn hard and generally it is also really abusive to the self as well because if people don't realise that you are feeling like that (and most people have no idea unless you actually have a full blown nervous breakdown) then they just keep adding sticks to your dam without meaning to and then suddenly you are more stuck than ever.
I am just really stuck at the moment, but I am aware, as I always am, that it too will pass, just like all of my other moments of self doubt and insecurity, they are transient. It's just time to reboot, restock and re-align myself, which is exactly what I am going to do.
Release Date: 1998
Rating: R 18+
Running Time: 134 mins
If you are looking for shiny happy people, then please don't look here! Written and directed by Todd Solondz, the story portrays the lives of three sisters and the people that surround them. Happiness was highly controversial for its use of heavy sexual themes, particularly its portrayal of pedophilia, and it is true, the depraved and immoral behaviours here will distress you, but the most distressing thing about this film is that's it is so sadly realistic.
Through three intertwining tales, we meet three sisters struggling with the realities of their lives. Trish, the eldest, is happily married to a psychiatrist and has three children, however, unbeknownst to her, her husband also happens to be a rapist and a pedophile. The middle sister Helen, is a successful author who lives a charmed life, but still feels so completely unloved and unfulfilled. And then there is Joy, the youngest and most directionless of the sisters, who takes a job at an immigrant-education centre and sparks up a relationship with one of her Russian students.
Does anyone get what they want in this movie? No, most definitely no. However, within the bizarre, stirring and pained places of unfulfillment there is a real clarity to be found here, and I cannot deny that even though I was shocked and horrified at times, I found this film intelligent and extremely interesting. One of the best fly on the wall movies that I have ever seen, just be prepared to feel uncomfortable.
FINAL SAY: I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.
3.5 Chilli Peppers